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Tuesday, January 01, 2008
my every waking thought •
how bout something in a normal voice today.i guess reflections are due this year, and thanks to a very special person, i'm in a fit state of mind to narrate it properly.. the walk and Starbucks were wonderful, and even though it was hardly much more than an hour, i'm very thankful for Huilin (: weathering the rainstorms of friendship have made for a beautiful relationship, and i'm quite sad that now that i can really call and talk anytime, i can't really anymore. it's personal understanding that makes these feelings last beyond affiliation to a group of people, and i really hope to forge more like this, so, so much. haha. ok. anyway, i know you'll read sometime or another, and i just want to say i can only wish the very best for you, and i shamelessly volunteer myself to be the best man when the time comes! xD yup. ok, better stop, haha. tugging heartstrings too much just makes them raw and wet, and it's not even new year's eve. -30th december yesterday was a funny day, but i'm very glad it passed the way it did.. played soccer with the j2 guys one last time in the morning. it's just something that i'm going to miss i suppose, from deep down to the days in sec2, when people like chin ee and gengrui weren't tied down by feelings of duty, we were just happy regular kids and we played basketball in the mornings before sectionals on saturdays or soccer on the astroturf. i guess have to say i really envy the graduating batch of guys. the kind of camaraderie that transcends understanding is really beautiful, and it must be great to have such a group of buddies who have and will go through so much of life together. cherish! and i hope i could gain something like that too.. bubble tea, dinners at the playground, at s11 and the PDA place under the hdb flats will be missed too, lol. was good to just sit there and listen, always has been, and the most interesting topics surfaced at these places, hahhaha. this was our own inadequate, insecure way of displaying affection, lol, and i'm going to miss it so, it's just not something that our batch would do. and there are things that haven't been said yet, thought nobody knows quite what they are, and i hope that this proves not to be one of those self-terminating applications, as i sense it isn't. because they are most certainly not low-priority. sometimes one wonders whether one should be there but.. i'm really going to miss these j2s. overall, the truth is i don't recall much about the year in detail. personal things have occupied me, i'd just gone on the blink and done stupid things. i'd neglected a lot of things that should have been very important to me, which are, which really are. there really isn't an explanation.. only a very poor decision. i'm very thankful for geoffrey and wenyi, haha. i do such insanely stupid things, but some friends have a knack for seeing true colors, and i'm ever so grateful. i'm grateful for a friendship that's stood the test of time and circumstances, and i'm grateful for a friendship that's blossomed when, well, i needed it the most. things like this don't happen for any old reason. i think i kept too many things to myself, and actually some things can't be explained or described even if i tried, but i'm glad that i could open up yesterday evening, and i'm glad that you could stand the cheese. because as someone who may not understand what had transpired over these four years, for reasons, it's easy to dismiss this as just guy nonsense. and i may very well have if i'd been in your position. so, thank you for seeing me as an actual real person.. this year has been a very trying year, and unfortunately i had to go through a lot of it myself. i don't think anyone could understand how hard it was for so much that was important to collapse or disappear at once. but i know i handled it very poorly indeed, and i'm paying the price. and some things aren't salvageable, i fear. people change.. i cried when i first sang that song. and it had been there all along, but i happened to pass it by, and i can only say that your words seem very cold, and i'm losing hope too, and then it really will be beyond rescue. and why not. i know i've only got myself to blame, and i sometimes keep telling myself that i'd just idealized all those memories to make them so beautiful, more beautiful than they were, and i keep humming that song to try to desensitize myself, to make it possible for it to go away easier, and it seems that i'm already preparing myself for it. one day i will find closure, and i already know how. it'd been one thing after the other, as cliché as that sounds. i could draw a timeline in my head. denial, depression, anger, what else was there? contrary to what anyone may think, many things have affected me this year. i'd lost one after the other, and chorale just gave me so much.. dunnowhat. there were no fresh starts this year, as much as i'd hoped, coming over from RV and RI. and i think i'd given up so long ago it's not even funny, and i could be really angry because of it all. and sometimes i am, and when i'm angry i do things. but i try not to think about it, and some things are salvageable, in some small sense anyway. although some feelings are going to be hard to change, i want to understand some of these people, only because i know i can't have it all. we only have so little time, and i'd never put enough effort into these incredibly special people because i'd been so distracted by things, and so angry, and so afraid. and i'm not experienced, i'd never picked things up from halfway before. not really, anyway. but i'm going to try, because i know it'll be worth it when things last beyond this affiliation. a lot of things are left hanging, of course, and i don't forget. i still remember what i swore, and i wonder about danne, and i ponder about grace. i miss huiqi in the oddest way. i want to grab can you tell i'm avoiding thinking about it? yes, i think i was brought to my senses, but it doesn't mean that anything important has changed, really. it just means that i've decided what's important to me, and what's important to me, and i've decided on what i'm going to do for now. yesterday, it almost felt like i'd decided this already, and i'd only just discovered that this was what i'd decided.. but it's ok. i'll just have to distract myself with studies, and distract myself from studies, as is fit. many things are important. but in the end i guess we had better do what we must, and we will do what we just have to anyway. but nothing has changed, because i get the feeling that this is something else that i'd already decided but have yet to realize. ok. there's more, but i'll leave it at that. there's so much to be done.. i'd better continue working. i will get what i want. because i've decided that i want it. ok, haha, suddenly i really miss huilin. to work! may we fight the good fight ,and run our course well in the year ahead. please bless the ones whom we love, and help us to do Your will. amen. 8:06 am |