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Wednesday, November 28, 2007
like a pine cone •
this really is pretty sad, but i don't really have much motivation to do anything these days. when i find myself actually doing something, it's usually cause i'm out there anyway and there isn't anything else i would rather be doing, or i just randomly have the craving for some feeling, to experience some state of mind and body, to be somewhere and think about something. it's just spur of the moment, and when the prick is gone i'm sleeping like a manhole cover on a Manhattan sidewalk dreaming about berlin and rustic houses that don't reek of old man with no family and friends-i find myself lying face up on the floor in the middle of the room thinking about things you don't want to, pick up Le Corbusier and the Reader's Digest just to be doing something other than that, something which doesn't really require any thinking or commitment or guilt about things past or future besides, but before you know it i'm asleep on fuzzy browns till three, isn't a beautiful thing to have had early mornings? i still feel a little guilty napping for those two hours though, it's not like i did anything useful. not that i have at all anyway, for a long time now.. realizing i'm not good at committing, what with the always looking for something fresher and more beautiful, can you keep up? 이유리, multiple personalities isn't such a bad thing, i think. values are values, but things don't have to be dull. true diversity's hard to find.. perhaps the bad thing is that shifts aren't always picked up immediately, even by the closest of friends. can you keep up? subliminal messages and unconscious influences in our actions and choices, does this face look familiar to you? i'm not saying i can help it, the truth is that i don't think i dare commit again unless i'm dead sure in so many ways, or it's just a fling. this is so not going to work out. but times are a changin', the 6th page of the papers read: Dylan scares schoolchildren by singing while waiting to pick up grandkid. haha.. isn't it kinda sad. somehow i can't think about anything else for more than ten minutes. cookies and milk at one in the morning are an attempt to make it all feel alright again, traditions keep, for some reason. it's just to draw the feeling out, and also cause i'm hungry and pasta burns fast. also, getting fat and not caring. in five and twenty.. * * * i call it the midlife crisis of the new millennia, because while elder sis is flying away and caring for two-year-olds, i find i'm the one who's lost his direction. the most important things in life have lost their urgency because of some genial yet somehow condescending belittlement that makes no sense to me at all.. how is anyone falling for this, how am i. it's not just the closeness and care that i'm missing, it's the meaning that it gave to me and to life, to the things that we did, whatever they were, whoever they involved. please bless the ones we love, and help us to do thy will. amen. 12:06 am |