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Saturday, November 24, 2007
when you find the one, •
hello, whoever's there. it's been a while, because somehow i've been busy doing things. a few useful things, a number of incredibly stupid things. and a number of ok stuff that's been good. november's coming to an end.. i suppose it has been good.have to say though, there are a good number of things that i wish i had done better. i said i'd study like crap, but duh i haven't really been.. have been catching up though, and well i say i plan to double triple quadruple in the month to come, but.. things happen, commitments busy blah. there are like a million things that i was supposed to do. that i haven't done for people. i sort of know where this started, now that i think about it..and it really stinks. this is why i can't let myself slacken anytime, but just to digress and give excuses, it's not and has never been easy alone. i'm not going to list them out for myself here, but i know.. things that i owe people, things that i owe myself to do. but more importantly owe people i guess. but well, this month has been fairly brainless now that i think about it. basically have been in this sort of emergency freeze mode or something, i don't know what went wrong when to trigger it, but i do know that when i start trying to think about it, everything just.. augh. can't explain it. it's that sort of fuzzy crushing feeling that i got from that childhood nightmare that kept coming over and over.. to tell the truth, i'm still locked up in that shutdown. things haven't been going well, in my eyes anyway, and well i've just left myself hanging. come right down to it, i've basically been acting like nothing was wrong and ignoring the problems, it seems. been just studying without thinking about it, reading all sorts of weird architecture stuff just to fill my head with something to try to make it feel better. but yeah, you know how it turns out. the thing is, a lot of people just don't realize that to know the problems is one thing, and to know how to fix them is another altogether.. makes me wish for that big pencil that guy from that game had and to use the giant eraser on the end to rub out all these things.. one big issue is this, i suppose: i can see the next few years, these really really important years, important to me. i really wish things can turn out certain ways, not because of anyone or anything else. but these things don't just happen.. people have to make them happen, and i'm really not strong enough to pick up the pieces and start fitting them together properly. i don't even know which pieces belong in this puzzle.. but i do know what it's supposed to look like, and i know that things have seldom worked out for long in the past, if at all. and well, my mind is flitting, but i haven't been true to myself and a lot of people i suppose. i've been thinking too much about how i envisioned things, and tried too hard to connect with people. just haven't been myself, really been out of sorts.. choir, chorale has always made me very, very tired in that sort of way. the last one or two times i don't know what this feeling is anymore. maybe i'm being brought to my senses, maybe i'm quitting trying to do things and just going to let them happen if they're meant to be.. because i'm finally accepting that i can't do things..? sigh. the truth is, i treasure a lot of things, and a lot of these things aren't physical. i know i envision things to be better than a lot of people would, so in the end different goals means we get to neither or we get there alone, and there's no point in that for me. i know a lot of times i see people to be better than they actually are, but that's just how the pieces fall into place for me. at the end of it all, if things go well i just want to be happy with someone, and well, if things don't go so well i'd settle for being alone knowing certain people are happy. maybe i had to be tired out till i couldn't do anything more before i let go and let God, and just went back to just being the best me i could be. i would love people more than anything heaven can promise, but sometimes i don't, because it's painful sometimes, the way things turn out. and when i get mad, i know inside that i'm actually angry with myself. time is really short, you know. i'd like very much for everything to be settled in ten years time. it's too tiring, and i don't think i can keep up with this sort of game for too long.. i keep losing sight of what's really important to me, and already once this foolishness has taken happiness away. it never had a second chance to take it away.. for all the wrong reasons. in this kind of situation, all i can say to anyone who might wonder in any way(and i know i'm not very personally approachable to some people) is well, hold on tighter than i did. 11:12 pm |