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  • i'm done!
  • erstwhile acquaintances to lifelong friends
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  • we told each other there is no other way
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  • these are our personal wars; do we face them alone...
  • treasuring her for all it's worth
  • compose yourself
  • i have a theory
  • don't know what to do



  • please leave a message, after the post.
    this is the opinion of a current non-prefect member of the enrolement of
    the Raffles Institution. just to let you know, not GE either, haha fancy
    language is.. sui generis? perhaps not.. but tt's not pertinant, it it?
    =P

    haha, you go to the discussion page for Raffles Institution article in wikipedia, and you see this humongous piece of crap typed in excessively cheem language evaluating the prefectorial board of RI.. done by yours truely =P haha, so that makes me the one who typed the most crap that is not considered spam or flaming on the discussion page of this article? hahaha...

    fancy english is cool okae.






    interesting to note that toh ban sheng is recognised amongst nelson kwei, jennifer tham and others as the premier condutors of thhe new age musical scence in singapore.. there is consideralbe complaint of lack of acknowledgement towards the choral scence in singapore, in contrast to the drama scene, and i have to say i agreee. greatly.

    nelson kwei was resident conductor of raffles voices before toh ban sheng came in and took over, for what erason i'm not too aware, because the very year that toh ban sheng took charge of the choir, i entered the school, and at the same time, the choir. it's also interesting to note that despite the complaints that nelson kwei is not given sufficient recognition for his contributions to the choral scene in singapore, he is very obviously the widest known choral conductor in singapore amongst the others recognised by the NUS, simply by checking up each conductor through a Google search.

    next years it the choral olympics. wonder if we will be taking part, and somehow, tho i wld look forward to it if it wld happen, there's this foreboding also.. because it always so consistant, our acheivement of good results in overseas competitions; the choirs that dared to go for such international hallmarks only do so because of the extremely intense training and efforts put in by the members of the choir. Victoria Chorale aside, most other choirs that have acheived outstanding results in international competitions are school choirs, and this are not recognised at all. but even with independant choirs, such as the Victoria Chorale, recognition is denied by the Very sector of the government which take charge of such artistic affairs.

    some details and links here.

    in the end, all the hard work to ensure that our trip overseas to compete with other countries and choirs of such high standards is undermined by the very society that we strove so hard for, besides for the very beauty of the music itself. as a general rule, the arts are valued in schools even below the uniformed groups, not to mention the sports groups. it's very obvious even in the primary schools; upon discovering with certain shock that i was in a choir, a friend from church still in primary school exclaimed, why didn't you just join uniformed groups?

    no amount of stressing, complains and discouragement of these artistes will cause us to gain recognition amonst our contrymen, even amonst the ones we love. at least for my case. questioning everywhere, why why did you join choir, waste ur talent, whydon't join basketball, why dont' join uniformed groups, why don't just join something else?

    how about, because i love to sing?

    is that so much more unworthy than sports and marching in rows?


    Tuesday, July 19, 2005


    sorry, really distracted earlier.. lately. haiz, change is in the air, you know? wierd things that i don't understand, hardly, are going on. i just have to live with it and try to keep in the path God's allocated for me anyways lorh. haiz. just keep swimming =]

    well.. great. i forgot what i was going to say again =.="" kaee.. herm. anyways.

    The Wonders, That Thing You Do.. brings back memories of childhood, lol, like we're not still children. nope, by definition of society, we're not children anymore; we're youth. but what others think doesn't always matter, does it? anyways.. haha.. really brings back memories of primary sch, with those peeps.. always during concerts and stuff that happened, we wld always play/hear these certain same songs, popular at that time.. like Para Para, and some buterfly thingy song.. and stuff.. haha.. nostalgia..

    well.. lately suddenly rainy again.. nt that kinda nice rain that it's like, raining moderately every single day, on and on.. rainy city life kinda feeling.. lol.. no, now suddenly it's pouring, then it's just drizzling a bit, then those clouds that give you the steady showers slowly start up again, then it shuffles.. lol.. haiz. mixed feelings. that's what this kind of weather gives me. and how i was feeling before it started up anyway, so i guess it's really perfect timing? haiz..

    went Zzz earlier, around 8 i think.. woke up at ten, ate dinner and showered.. so think im ready to go now. loads of work to be done, just do it and get over with it.. that's the way.. haha...

    philo class today.. haha.. it's pretty interesting actually.. not the things that happen, but the thoughts that are put forward, the things that i'm made to consider. perception, evidence, knowledge, belief, blah blah blah, complicated things.. everything really goes rounds in round in circles, one thing justtifies another, and the second justifies the third, and the third justifies the first, so in the end it's all unrealiable, and the only conclusion is that we can never really know anything for sure... pretty depressing huh..

    shan hui asked me, just casually, why we believe in anything at all, since there's really no way to know anything.. and really, just thinking aloud, it had to be because if we have nothign that we can trust, have faith in, then there's really nothing to hold on to in this world.. life truely becomes meaningless then. that's why we have faith. because without faith there is nothing.

    well.. things are really stirring up now. haah.. these few months and the next couple of years will be really, really busy.. loads of things happening. can forsee it already, lol.. just hope it all turns out alright, cause this will decide a lot of things.. like how i'm gonna get food and lodging, where i'm going to go from there.. lol.. loads of thoughts sorted out since i entered RI, but there's still a long way to go from here. everything has just started to get moving. now the real challenge begins.

    God bless everyone down this path. =]]




    i just can't stand it lah. sorry lah, i really don't want to make you feel worse right now, but wtf, how can you say, who cares if you don't exist?? wt the hell.. ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

    i want to go boom on you riight now.




    haiz, back frm sch shuper late again.. never gonna get to the bank before it closes like this.

    kae.. update, yesterday Toh go and kick me to bass liaoz =(( aiyahh, he say no more power bass after sec 4s graduate, so ask me to go there.. haiz.. my range very wide one what.. doing perfectly fine in baritone, summore more fun, can do high notes sumtmies and even melody.. now go bass must keep belting out those shuper low notes, so sianz.. aiyahh, who ask this bunch of people nobody else got shuper low voice, then i can at least stay in baritone.. later i kena until talking voice oso shuper low then will be damn wierd.

    some teachers ahh.. really irritating lorh.. i mean, i went overseas, i have excuse lorh.. for international competition, representing Singapore leh! wtf.. then insist on giving me zero for the assignments that are overdue liaoz that were given out when i was away.. tests at least still let me retake, budden if tests can why assignments cannot? haiz.. stupid thing with IP, every dang thing done throughout the year counts, you miss a day of school may also affect ur results, dun tok about nine days.

    anyways, dunno hows lah.. nt tt my results very good in the first place oso. but des why now every little bit counts what.. lol.. ii'm nt like those mad guys in my class lorh, aiming for 4.0 or 3.8 GPA.. i just want to get 2.8 or if i can get 3.0 will be sho, sho shuper happy liaoz.. previous semester already 2.12. wt- lorh.

    suddenly feel like doing hw, lol.. i mean properly, cause like, i haven't eraly sit down and do hw for.. how long? just a zuo wen here, an essay there, otherwise i never erally do, just do ing school after everyone handed in liaoz, then tell etacher i'll hand in before the day is up, in the end oso hand in the next morning only, haha.. bluff the teacher that i stayed back even later than them then handed in, lol.. anyways, gotta do sumthing lah. otherwise JC oso dunno how. go poly har. cause no O levels, if RJ dowan me, i go where leh? definitely dowan to retain lorh.. even if it means poly. haiz.. whatever..

    -backout.

    wtf.. i give a damn. plenty of people give a damn. don't make excuses for yourself to yourself. you know you shouldn't be doing that. but you have. so wtf, i say. wtf.

    -backin.

    haiz.. i dunno lah. suddenly think about sch, and education, and how i'm suposed to finish this what, six plus four plus 2 plus random, twelve plus plus year business properly, and well. i can't stand doing things lousily. can't stand it. rather not do it at all. that's why slacking around mah. ugh.. actually i can one.. but dunno why just don't do it. so stupid.

    what the heck am i supposed to concentrate on? can't i just do a few things, if not one or two things only? blehh.. i can't do everything.. not to mention at once. if you like, i don't want to do everything. cause i can't do everything well.

    cause there are other things.

    cause of others.


    Monday, July 18, 2005


    ughhhhhhh... what to do.. so irritating, feel so stupid and useless.. what's the point of being there if in the end i can't even do anything, anything to ease the pain, you don't even know i'm here??? wtf... ughh.. feels so stupid and broken up when you just pop like that.. wish i cld just give a call to comfort, but what wld i say? "are you okae?"?? that's the stupidest thing ever to say.. i've heard it way to many times, i know. it's pretty obvious that you're nt okae, or u wldn't even be acting this way, i wldn't even be feeling this way.. etc etc blah blah blargh..

    i can't believe i'd forgotten for so long.. well, the few weeeks seemed like a long time, and now that i realized and came back just in time, i still feel so helpless.. ughh..

    it's just that kind of feeling that's like, you want to grab that person, and just hold and hug, just to make sure you don't do anything stupid, you know? cause anything can happen when we're feeling like that.. ughh..

    then i remember the stupidest things that i've done, the stupidest, stupidest things that i've allowed other people to do to you, just standing by and doing nothing about it... it cld have hurt you, or it did, but i could have done something and i did nothing.

    and now it's happening again, only now it is hurting you, and i don't know what i can do.. i can't say there's nothing i can do, because there simply has to be something.. ughh...

    what on earth am i supposed to do??????

    WHAT?




    harlow, it's like four plus in the mornign now.. woke up shuper early, like 3.50.. no idea wat time i slept, but i think it was pretty early.. around nine i think.. lol.. david was watching some top ten deadliest sharks thing so i was down there next to the sofa then started dropping off.. then think abt allll the hw i haven't done. and is due tmr, not to mention the humongous pile that is alread overdue.. aaah what the heck. so i went to bed.\
    and then i woke up at arnd 3.50 lorh. lol.

    thinking and thinking..haha.. it's like, night is the time for thoughts, riight? for me anyways.. hm, but yesterday i dropped off early, so no idea where this came from. ranodm compilation, i guess, but it's as sincere as any.

    been thinking. yesterday ruth's family transferred from shalom to sbbc. hohum. i was like, huuurr?? ruth's parents, even her younger sister i've seen before in shalom, budden nv seeen her there? hmmm.. my own fault bah, guess tt time was too self-absobed, internal conflict blah blah. yah, excuses excuses.. but really. yeesh.

    dunno lah, may be my ego toking, but for sum reason tink tt you're here huh. or have been. i mean, internet is a mysterious place, you're a mysterious girl. seems plenty of people have been here and i never knew until they said or something, like pamela and kang etc =) but ho hum, you're.. esoteric? ahah.. from thesaurus, check it out yourself =P but even that? how shld i know? haiz.. i don't know what's going on in a lot of people's heads; the people's heads which i wonder about what's going on inside =X grammer, lol. but you're especially mysterious, eh? hmm.. thinking too much bah.

    haha.. it's pitch black outside, maybe that's why i'm typing this sorta crap. oooh, the secretism of typing at night, or rather early morning. lol. as if it's any different from blogging at any other time of the day. oh wells.

    hmm.. don't people wonder what other people think of them? i do.. but don't feel so easy about actually finding out, riight? haiz.. dunno lah. i tink i gotta shut up.

    but haven't i just learnt that i have to just shut up and talk?

    diaoz..

    ***
    okae.. just looked around.. suddenly everyone's hurt, you know? in some wa or another.. everyone needs help. i'm starting to think that it's always so, cause we can always use a little help and a little love even if we think it's alright. but it's really my fault, huuh. haiz.. when troubles strike me, i almost forget all about friends and people around me.. housing isnt' an immediate problem, i guess, cause he's nt tt close to throwing me out yet i guess, and money well, i'll live. good thing i kept my own stash, lol, xi fang qian.. so i 'ave two hundred odd to live on. lol. it'll last me a while, i think. nt tt i can afford to buy much else, tho. until something works out.

    okae, but there i am thinking about my own stuf again. haizz.. it's already when things start to look alright for me after all, then i look around and ses people who crave love and help, and i see the solutions to problems.. but why can't i do that to myself..? hyporacy..? ughh.. then i'll say, these people need to pick themselves up. doody doody do.

    but that was before. i see how idiotic that was now. ughh.. so i guess that's why we need one another.. huhh? pang guan ze qing.. helping one another is the only way, cause we can't help ourselves; it wouldn't be called needing help if we could, would it now? haizz..

    well, so much for wasting time on the computer, it's 4.45 liaoz, gonna go shower. i really hope that something will come of this.. haha.. i used to pride myself for being the on who stood by and saw everything that passed in the worlds i lived in.. but now it's different. is that even something to be proud of? don't think so.. standing by and doing nth? wt-...

    and now i'm pretty sure i haven't seen close to half of everything at all. the craziest things that elude me. the things that i should have been paying the most attention to escape my sight. or is it that i flee these things in my mind, so i could not perceive them? haiz.

    kae.. i'm going.. i wish i could go out and do stuff.. frmo my point of view, freedom from the education system is really much.. because earning a living can't be that hard, can it? it's all about what you expect, really.. i used to dream of higher things, and i still do.. but this is the world after all, and it won't last long at all. so it's fine. we're able bodied people, and have to thank God for that.. there are so many ways to pay for your meal and lodging, you know? i believe there are still people in this world who believe in the litereal expression of the sharing of souls.. the fellowship of hearts.. there has to be, i have seen the places in people amongst which such things would happen. if they can happen, why wouldn't they? because these are good things.. why shouldn't people desire them, and seening that it is within reach, grab them, with no fear of any backlash?

    okae.. toking too much liaoz. i better go before it's too late.. buaiz..


    Sunday, July 17, 2005


    back, rawr, haven't eaten lunch.. haha..

    ***
    yes, another insert. this one after the one below..

    i don't know howbi forgot, it was probalby a good thing. but now i remembered again, and i'm not sure anymore that remembering is a bad thing. i think i just want to get it off me, in case.. haiz..

    i'm convinced now. i think. ugh.. stop playing with me like i'm some sort of toy. maybe it's my own fault lah, i thinking to much, but what the heck. fine. it's my fault.

    but i owe you two, you'll get them. =) in jest, those given in a bad mood nt counted. yesyes, inbetween my trips here and there you will get them. haiz.. people are wierd. i'm wierd. i hope somethign works our anyway, but whatever really.. it's not for me to judge, and like i said, you will probably say it's my own fault, blah blah blah.. plenty of people always do.. but i just don't like the way you do that.

    you know what i'm talking about. just you, and you only.
    ***

    going out again to get some specs done, hurhur, my spare was like, crack~ good thing it was my spare, my current pair is still perfetly fine.. but with the rediculous things i do with my specs on, haha, better bao xian, sumore exams coming up..

    it's really fun to be with the church peeps.. dunno lah.. mixed feelings, but what am i talking about. it's funn, maybe more so than choir, but i feel more relaxed with the guys in music =)

    so props are done, i think.. more or less, still got devil's pitchfork and stuff, lol.. haiz i'm so useless, must leave earlier.. otherwise later takesan hour to get back by transferring bus and mrt everywhere.. lol.. budden li jie mei also taking bus horr.. sorry lah!

    ~~~
    hmm.. almost forgot.. taking about friends.. it's like, it's nice to have loads of friends, but sometimes must have one or two or a few friends to just bother, riight? haha.. dunno lah.. sometimes just gotta have one, some people feel. maybe that's why God made such a thing as marriage, and the bonus is that it prevents the human race from becoming extinct! good plan, huh?

    yea.. but.. hm. dunno how to say this. friends will always be there for you, when you every really need us, we're there for you, you know? maybe it's our fault sometimes, we just assume you don't need us that bad, you can handle it, besides we got stuff to do elsewhere.. but you could tell us? hmm.. but that's not always easy.. haiz.. it hardly ever easy. gotta admit it. budden, just say the word, really. otherwise i'll be kept guessing.. haha.. but speaking for myself, i'm always available, outside school hours, unless there's a competition. X( sorry, but teachers, even the really nice ones like Mrs. Koh want me to be totally focused in choir, nothing will persuade them to let me go except quiting choir, and i doubt they'll let me too, unless i go all mopy and start making the choir sing out of tune no purpose by singing really loud then slowly going out of tune on purpose =P that's the thing about being in bass, you get to control the whole choir's tuning.

    yea.. so really. call me anytime, i love it when people call me. listening is what i do best, quoth some guy/gal, lol can't remember. too many? nah.. just bad memory.. =P
    ~~~

    er, yea.. homework, still haven't done.. at all.. my chinese teacher was like, completely changed after i came back from overseas trip with the choir and we got gold, category winner summore.. then i went for the chinese week karaoke thing.. her attitude towards choir changed completely.. lol..last time she only know how to keep going on about sportsmen, then say wat, i nt sportsman, shld be working harder in chinese.. riight.. we practice as much as, if not more than those dmb guys kae.. how many hours a week that time? 25 plus minus i think.. then some weeks everyday-whole day during june hols sia..

    haiz.. does the power of one's gaze and the strength of one's voice no longer matter? intimidation and defeat lies in the heart, and to control your opponent's heart and mind is to control him or her.. haha.. sounds evil, what control.. but really lah. strenght of the soul and spirit will last longer than whatever strength of the body you can build up, not that it's not impt. what u think i go gym for, i nt in sports cca(still pissed at bball coach guy 3 years back, lol..)

    kae.. trip report.. lol.. well, let's see. the day i was flying off geof's parents' kindly gave me a lift to the airport, with him oso lah dur. lol, his little bro is very quiet, prob like what i am in church, seems quiet but just needs the right environment for him to let go. hmm.. yea, then got there, only a few people, and we wre like, only 10 min early. called arthur, meeting some friend for dinner, haha.. seems she just landed back into singapore only then he's flying off for 9 days.. aww.. lol.. anyways.. after a while he finally said goodbye to her =) and came over to terminal one, cause we were flying some old dutch airline, KLM. means dutch royale airlines in dutch or something. yea.

    airport ah, after check in everyone's parent's and bros and sis(es?) all there sia.. haha.. jorel chan kwok yeong's mom and sis were there, haha.. v sweet family, lol.. his sis looks a little like meiyi, haha.. yea.. yala yala, jealous okae? bare with me.. yea, then four of us messed around lorh, they all want to go up to the place to see the aircraft upstairs, forgot what it's called. then take photo,i was like, =.="", take photo here for what?? save your memory space for over there lah! yea.. then after tt we went back down.. ahha.. geof jorel and me, quite a bunch, lol. sad arthur has left for perth liaoz, left yesterday morning.. =( couldn't send him off cause of stupid open house.. yea..

    oh, and i found out jorel is actually the name of superman's father, supposedly? lol.. so superman's father was a small man, all the muscles donated to superman, lol..

    yea, then boarded plane. tacky, but nice. haha. watched some dumb mr. bean stuff on the flight, lol. didn't really sleep much, i just can't sleep on planes much.

    kae lah.. continue tmr. want to go out soon, just pasted 2 new posters in my room, hurhur.. graphical one, pun isn't pun-ny if you don't see the pic, so hurhur, someday when i'm bored i'll take photo and paste up here =) XP

    buaiz......


    Saturday, July 16, 2005


    oh.. about the trip i made.. to the Johannes-Brahms International Choralfest in Wernigerode, where we won Goldeness Diplome Lvl 3: G1 Special Gemischtstimmige Kinderchore Category Winner.. haha.. erm, yongfei says blog in bits lah, but now it's kinda late, still got work on cleaning up my room to do.. haha, see, it's really that messy.. haha.. or i work really slowly -.-" riight, i going now.. bbuaiz..




    A man went to the barber to have his hair cut and his hair trimmed.As the
    barber began to work, they have a good conversation.They talked about many
    things and various subjects. When they eventually reached on the subject of GOD,
    the barber said:" I don't believe that God exists."

    "Why do u say that?" asked the customer.

    "Well, if you go to the streets you can realize God doesn't exist. Tell
    me if God exist, would there be so many sick people, if he exist, would there be
    abandoned children? If God exist, would there be pain and suffering? Well, I
    cannot imagine a loving God that allows these things to happen", said the
    barber.

    The customer thought for a moment, he didnt respond because he didn't
    wanted to argue with the barber. The barber finished his job and the customer
    left the shop. Just when he left the shop, he saw a man that is with long,
    stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard.He looks Dirty and unkepmt.

    The customer turned around and told the barber:" You know what? Barbers
    dont exists!"

    "I am here, a barber. And i just worked for you!"

    The customer exclaimed:"Barbers don't exist because if they did, there
    will be no dirty, stringy, hairy people. Like that man outside."

    "Ah, but barbers do exist! the problem is that they just dont come to
    me!" answered the barber

    "EXACTLY!" Affirmed the customer. "Thats the point!"

    God, too, does exist!

    What happens is, people dont go to him and look for him.

    That is why there is pain and suffering in the world!

    hellow, just got back from dinner and preps for church anniversary performance thingy.. again.. haha.. but it's fun. but one thing i learnt next time better bring some homework to do.. kaoz, so much hw, tmr must still stay back after church? haiz.. dunno how to finish everything.

    haiz.. i will never learn, you know? i'll know i'm doing something stupid, probably, but i'll do it anyways, cause there's the small chance that it'll work out, somehow, ya know? ughhh.. so stupid, i am. but it never works out. i'm going to end up a sad, lonely, looney old man who lives in the wilderness. lol..

    yea well, open house was crap.. they totaly did nothing at all, just screwed around on the tablet PC ms. chiang lent us for the open house booth.. then i came and rescused everyone with the cd player, except nobdy had the latest CD of our songs.. i only brought the one from two years ago that totally sounds like crap, now after 3 years of training voice and ears.. canot tahan our singing from two years ago.. yee.. at least the sops sounded better then than they do now, lol, cause then gengrui and me still there, and zhao feng and jing zhong voices were better.. now more time, more hormones, so their voices nt tt good for soprano liaoz.. haha.. gengrui and me duneed to say, we dropped liaoz.. those two still up there..

    yea.. so they player that thing lorh.. then i one o clock zhao to go sbbc.. haha.. got there 1.45, then like, everywhere closed and locked, so i stone on the steps there with me shuffle and dunno msg danne how many times, she nv reply.. wt lorh.. so sianz.. then later i go down again then sis. alice open da doorr.. haha.. dunno what's happening lah. then later around 2.30 amanda came lorh, then blah blah blah, yeps, everyone came, test run, no props yet. doody do.

    liuz, my hair cut liaoz wenhao and prefects still say it's still to long.. kaoz bei, must waste another ten bucks cutting?? no thx.. go detention better, at least can do homework there..

    haiz, i come back from overseas, everything that i left behind lan diao, and everything i bring there also almost lan diao.. then no cash liaoz.. needs to buy some stuffz.. haha.. see how.. still jobless, doody do. haiz, i'm too lazy to keep checking classified ads every day, all the ads always for post-o level peoples..

    parents are getting indescribable... cannot tahan.. tonite dad suggest i move out, so whoopie do, i am allowed to advert. who got place to lend me crash until i finds a jobs, then cans pays you whatever i get.. haha.. jsut needs sleeping place and place to dumb bag sometimes, cause don't want to carry stuff everywhere all the time.. i don't have a lot of stuff, he claims everything i have belongs to him.. lol.. "all your base is belonging to us".. yea.. but i have plenty of stuff which's origin has nothing to do with these two horrid people who bore me into this world and brought me up so as to torture me mentally and emotionally.. and occasionally physically.. okae lah, just some stuff lah, nt plenty, lol, dowan to scare you all. just a bit lah. lol, getting smaller and smaller. whatever.. the biggest thing would probably be my box of choral scores.. just small A4 box..

    okae, why m i toking so much ccrap.. just, if it's not too hard, yea thx.. lol.. think abt it, probably won't find a place easy, cause dowan to bother choir buddie's parents.. don't really know any of their parents much..

    yepps.. still praying.. i'm still alive, there's stuff to be done, so i don't plan on dying too soon, it's true, but still.. it's all in God's hands, so it can't go wrong.

    ohh, leaving on a jet plane, Chantal Kreviazuk. heard you gals doing it, no idea why, but i used to love this song, cause it's what i'll be singing in my heart so often, once i'm free of school and got income..




    Friday, July 15, 2005


    someone else has discovered the meaning of the Revelations to us, the people of this time...

    i pray all of us realize whatever must needs be realized, before it's too late..




    just came back home, everyone's out to fetch evelyn back from some concert thing..
    seriously, i can't help but still get pissed off. like, wt-. you've changed completely. on purpose, no doubt. how long have i been away, eight days? nine? for what reason? ugh.. and so this had to happen. screw usself up just to piss me off.

    look at me.. peace man become pissedman.

    nevermind.. like i said. dooty is dooty. over, pInG~! no more. gone, poFf. yepps. anyways, after sch went to take some bio practical and theory tests that i missed, still have to take some math and english and literature ones, goodness knows when i'll get to take them.. ugh.. how to get into RJ liddat.. scully later last minute ask me to take O levels, then hoho, how fun. whatever..

    prep for tml's open house.. didn't realize it wld be so boring.. basically we slack around, don't even get to sing.. so sad.. fine lorh, i won't bring any scores, we'll just sing spastic stuff that we learnt from wernigerode, haha, like the punani chant and the scheißer song, in honor of the scheißer lunch house =)) oh, and i got a copy of psudo yoik already, haha. so fun, that rediculous song.. "lively, almost maddeningly insane" such a crazy scorewriter =P but we'll try to adjust it, or at least i will, and drag geoffrey to help me. then we can do it in a small group, lol..

    then went down to sbbc, lol, always so wierd getting there, every time i go i take a different way, so i'm like, familiar with none of the ways there, so it's like, wierd.. hahaha... gotta get used to one way, then won't have to keep peering out the window all the time seeing if it's the right place liaoz.. lol..

    wells, script done, and stuff.. haha.. aherm.. yea, inde end didn't finish it yesterday nite >.< ahs wells.. herms what cans i says.

    ohs nos, it's breaking out agains. at least i infected all the choir members, mores or lesses.. includings secs fours..

    digressings digressings!

    ahhs.. i like these people. hahas. i really do. it's one thing to love people for who they are, and it's another thing to like them because they are what they are. apply both here =) this'll make me keep my home base Singapore, whereever i roam.. cause of the people =) i hopes friends will come with me sometimes, tho.. cause tho travelling, meet friends everywhere in the world, the process itself gets really lonely..

    haa.. awkward on my blog. ho hum. interestingly.. awkward. ahhs whatevers... =) just glad that i know the people i do, and wanna know everyone even better.. haha.. okae. interpret it how you like, i don't think you can go too far from what i'm feeling =))

    smokey hair from eating at 24hr cheese prata, haha.. so fun.. i know a lot of people who are "fun to be with", by standard of people who won't associate themselves with these people for some illogical reason, lol.. whatevers.. gonna go shower, then gotta clean up my room. one big mess. yesyes, must fix it all up orderly-like tonite, my nice neat organised mess. ohh.. still havent' washed the bean bag, haha. gonna have to do it soon, it's so troublesome, gotta take out the stuffing/filling/whatever-you-call-it and then later put it back in.. is there even a zipper on that thing? lol.. gonna shower first then see anyways, so chow.. buaiz..

    Everyone within sight has gotten off the train.. some have my
    blessings, some i barely know. some of these i had never seen before, some of
    these i love anyway. Where have they gone; perhaps more importantly, whree am i
    going? I guess, only time will tell...




    Thursday, July 14, 2005


    bleesh. what is it with girls. they say once bitten, twice shy, i'm like, once bitten, once stupid, then second time bitten. no more.. nopes nopes nopes. yeesh.. just friends, okae? blargh.. dunno what to say. just friends is the best, still. RV has proven that, i guess.. and many random other people =)) so okae, i'm fine. whateverys.

    seriously, is it that fun to do stupid things to guys like that? such erm, serious stupid things?! it's serious okae.. whatever people nowadays might think. well, to me at least. maybe i'm just wierd, but hey, i'm me. but well.. if it's anywhere as fun as the littke things we do to girls, lol, i guess, but it's still nt riight.. blehhs. whatevers. anyways it's overs, there wills be no moresss..

    anyways, whoopee doos, these few days really buzy to take my mind off it. yeesh, what a jynx. after coming back from beautiful wernigerode.. then all sorts of crap. well okae, this one piece of scheißer. yay for german insults. anyways..

    tomorrow got RCS, which i will probably pon.. lol.. cause i have to get the math homework done, really.. i'm failing stuff all over, math being the worst.. ugh.. at least the sciences are getting better, hoho, for the record, for the first time since secondary school a teacher stayed back after the period to discuss something scientific with me. well okae, so it was some physics theory confusion the bio teacher had, but nonetheless.. =D

    then after that, going to SBBC to discuss the church anniversary youth performance thingy.. hoho.. hope it doesn't end too tacky.. buts it's interesting idea they have made.. hurhur.. nt in a position to cirticize, cause i didn't do anything yet >.<" but anyways, gonna try to do the script out tonite. no, i gotta.. otherwise drag again, then blahh... then i'll screw up. i always do in front of new people. lol. well, people that i'm nt tt familiar with anyways.

    anyways, good thing my chinese teacher gave me extention till next monday for the whole lot of chinese homework i missed, but there's still a math test, an english and a literature pop quiz, and a math assignment, and a whole bunch of science theorisms that i totally missed out and don't understand now.. but chemistry is still way slow tho. lol. i even understand more than some of the people who didn't miss the classes. oh wells, too bads i'm nt interested in chem really.. >.< why is it always, the things i'm good at, i don't appreciate? ughh.. but it's really quite dull, mix this mix that, poff, this thing come out, mix mix mixes..

    er, where was i.. riight.. then saturday there's RI open house, going down to help out at the cyberstudios side to show of my web scripting to potential sec ones, hoho, then go choir and sing, so fun =) plus i get to warm up my voice just in time for church choir practice at 4.30. missed the previous time, won't again! haha..but i have to learn to get up earlier on sundays to warm up voice, otherwise oso canot sing in performance.. >.< haiz, every day of the week cannot sleep in..

    have i mentioned how irritating it is when people so, aiyahh, RI mah, then something something something.. pls lah, Ri is just another dumb school in the singapore education system.. which is probably a pretty darn good system compared to others, but it's pretty far frmo perfect, lol.. what isn't, in this world. okae, but that's not the point. just dun lyke it when people say, "orh, RI mah, smart lorh" or "aiyahh, RI guys all damn stuck up, don't expect these to be any different" etc etc crap stuff.. whatevers. it's just our school, for blanks sake. you don't see us going around saying, "aiyahh, chinese high mah, fasion sense totally inexistant one those guys" or "aiyahh, RGS mahs, mankillers one those gals" or other random stuff, even about regular schools.. i don't have to give further examples, yes?

    haha.. actually had a bunch of stuff to post about each and every day of the trip, wernigerode totally mesmerised me, lol.. budden riight, if i go and post it here, then nobody will come here liaoz.. ="( you people will say, "wah, fried suddenly toking so much crap about every minute detail of what happened, sooo boring.." then never come liaoz.. lolz.. vainity of vainities, but i likes it to haves a few people here.. =) is that so wrong? diaoz....

    so dunno how lorh. see how lah.

    doodlebum.. feel wierdly detatched. ahs whatevers. maybe i'm in self denial, eh? then the literature class will write something about me, then the philosophy class will write something about human emotions, then Toh Ban Sheng will maime my character on the basis that he feels that i'm too emotional, blah blah blah.. weedledinglekongggg~*

    kae. i'm done. shutting up now.

    gonna try to put some music here, feels very quiet after coming back here form danne's blog.. haha.. yepps, so goodnitez eberyoneesss..


    Wednesday, July 13, 2005


    hello.. back from school, lol, so sad, just landed back in singapore today and then must go to school.. haha.. actually not must lah, go for some chinese karaoke competition thingy. just so i don't have to take chinese oral today, and i'll be garenteed a pass. so i did it, lugged my luggage from airport to school, thanks for the lift louis, and i've did it, lol. yay for that. no more oral, no more failing. riights.

    wells.. before i launch into random thoughts, lemme say again. Wernigerode rawks. no small w there. that's the place peeps, i retire there. if the world lasts that long. and if i don't decide to just settle down there sometime. etc etc etc.

    excuse me, but along with my speach, i've started to put and s behind all or most of my words.. blehh.. riights. instinctively. cause we had this joke on the last few days of the trip, about andrew lim and the way he talks. it rawks. hahas. i means, he's ours years heads, wes musts giveses hims thes honors riights?

    yea, so all the above sentences and words without an s where there shouldn't be an s, quite a few of them are backspaces. repeatedly. thanks yous.

    wells.. i means, aways for so longs, loads of blogs reading to catches up on.. haha.. rights. so there was this somewhere, nots quite sures where
    ..."i would rather hurt myself than to make you cry."
    yes, very good english also. anyways, so it's like, well, if you care about someone that much to worrie about doing something to make that person cry, that person would probably share the feeling, cept on you, duh. so how would hurting yourself solve the problem, it'll still make that person sad, wouldn't it? and if it that person is indifferent to your suffering, i think it's quite possible that you're showering the wrong person with your affection. but that's just a generalization, i'm sure there are many occasions when your suffering or the other person's crying would be justified despite everything.

    okae, that sounded wrong.

    aiyahs, somes peoples are just so bogged down after staying in one place.. like the crystal merchant in the book i told you guys about, if you remember.. i wish i had the freedom to get up and drag them away for the boring like they think they think that they are stuck in.. haha..

    but then again, it may just be foolish childishness on thinking that that is possible on my part.. just like you may think that someone else is shallow, and i know her or him better, and i know that's not true.. and then vice versa, i may think blah blah blah. riights.

    ohs wells, goings to sleeps. jets lags. sorries i talks so tireds on msns. goots nights.

    ohs, and friedemann really means peace man. wadyaknow, they weren't toking crap to me.


    Tuesday, July 05, 2005


    ah well, before i go out for lunch then my chem test and shopping for drugs (wahaha), here's rant from woonie's blog.. from.. somewhere else. yea.

    oh, and you can check out The Dating Delima through that link too, it's an interesting insight on this issue of what is the best way to behave.. haha.. but i think it's different frmo the Prisoner's Delima in a significant way, cause in this situation, we have to consider ethics..

    Ode to the Nice Guys

    This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal


    This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

    This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don't end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

    This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured
    her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that
    time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing "serious" between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone:"oh, but we're just friends!" And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you're nice like that.

    The nice guys don't often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don't seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can't. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as "oh, he’s too nice to date" or “he would be a good boyfriend but he's not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can't figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I'm going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

    So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you're sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

    Fu-zu Jen, SEAS/WH, 2003

    http://www.stwing.upenn.edu/~jenf/writing/rant04.html

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