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the continuous chain
Thursday, January 31, 2008
chorale •all in all this has been not such a bad day, i think.
loads of j1s were streaming into the school as i walked out of the ruddy back gate(that you can no longer climb over on saturdays and sundays when it's locked, darn) today. and as i did i felt unusually energetic, like i do when i recall what i'm working for, why i put up with myself, why i'm holding on, and it's all right again. the thing is, i don't quite know what made me feel that way. i had just been surrendering myself to lé whimsy, or trying to do work like a normal student.
art is odd, and ever since yihui dropped i've been questioning myself about it in ways that i never had before. because really, in all ways i should have been the one to drop. and well, when i use the wrong words, or say the wrong answer out loud, or sit speechless, the question shakes my heart like loose change on a laundromat dryer.
for some reason or another i'd reconsidered studying architecture in japan just today. i do think it'd be an awesome place to study, technically - the way their minds work, as it seems when you read what they say and see how they design, it's quite mindblowing sometimes. but the culture.. the people. they just don't seem like a very friendly receptive country, one couldn't really fit in and and and..
basically i can imagine myself studying there and those things, it would be so amazing, but when you put in the people.. i grow doubts. and frankly, now, i can't believe i never really gave this serious thought before.
i'm giving up on certain things that were to mean a lot to me, from then till a while. so often you don't realize how you really appear to others, or you might just make a change; even looking in the mirror doesn't show you what others see when they look at you. then again, maybe it's just me being oblivious. but either way, some people get all the luck, haha.
but i'm going to buck up with just a few things that should matter just because i want them too, for now. i'm going to study, basically. in spare time that i don't waste.. i'm to practice guitar and continue singing and have a proper training schedule. and in all the spare time that i do waste i'm to continue drawing. i've not done a project in more than a year. with reason, but still.
chinese new year it here, and the extended family is having tuanyuanfan earlier, for some reason or another. at the old man's side, it's such a tense affair, sigh. on mother's side it's really frivolous, but it's silly enough to make it feel like home, if only we actually spent the time together. but no, we don't, we didn't. i'm missing tuanyuanfan with father's, for it's to be on the 2nd. i don't know whether to be glad or to be sorry.
fine, so too close can be a bad thing. it's quite easy for me to believe that i do this thing all wrong, actually, because some things transcend personae. frankly - it may be wrong, but regardless, i'd rather it than too distant. moments that cause us to draw back later.. so long it's a distance only because of too much proximity(giving that there is such a thing), i trust that it can be picked up in the future. like i always say, eternity's a long time. we'll find time.
i'm going to quit asking myself what some people mean for a while, because i think i don't really want to know. there just hasn't been enough time yet, or proper. you can tell i'm not a very talky guy, under casual circumstances, but i have my ways of making up for that, hahhaha. but the point is, i've just decided that it can't go on, and i need to stop chasing rainbows and just follow the dotted line.
and trust God that there's something worthwhile waiting at the other end.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
oh! •how they romanticize literature! and a block of pulp becomes a dream-holder, like a picture frame in the nighttime. i can hardly breath - green and scarred sits on my shelf, flat on it's side beside philosophy and technical volumes. what did it mean-? it passed away.
it had started raining! yes i am listening, keep on going sir, yes 1,2-di-rain streaking across the palette of the view framed by the lab door and more. can't hear the rain though, can't hear anything- Are you listening? snap out of it, the rain's stopped streaking, now it's streami -
the day is so musically devastating. after the tone she speaks; the ring of her soft voice and careless words. my hopes are dashed and dashed again. but seriously. stupid day.
what a waste of time and energy this must be-! i have no idea if any of these in the world play in this nonsensical charade with me. it used to be like we were actors, changing from one character to the other, dissonant or complimentary at just the right moments. hm. how irreplaceabley quaint and false.
oh! these insults and suan-ses are the only time in the past year that we've spent together. is that all you wanted? why wouldn't you communicate that instead of acting like a four-year-old? like-
Sunday, January 27, 2008
rainbow angst and emo •i'm going to try to write something short to compensate for the convoluted nature of the previous write. i'm sure i'll fail, haha. but hopefully only in the "short" bit.
today is be less happy. it's always a combination of things, little little things that.. matter. can i try to write it out and away from my head?
it's like walking on smouldering coals: if you don't keep going and going quick enough, the heat will really get to you, and you bet it hurts. was feeling like i was getting sick this morning, and i was late, and there's this other thing, so was generally feeling irritated this morning. did Rash Things, but seems this time it turned out fine. still, j1s give much doubt. but this whole affair has ever been Doubtful, and furthermore my life has been a sea of Doubt with islands of Certainty, oh rainbow emo and angst, hahhaha. i'm not even going to say, what island.
friday i did the stupidest thing, also. running away to sort things out was just all at the wrong time, and i went to just the wrong place to think. have i mentioned how long it's been since i sat and tried to figure things out. it didn't work that day, anyway. gosh, i'm trying so hard not to descend into vagueness and abstraction today, hahha. pretty much sucks.
the other thing is-is the convoluted thing. basically, i hate gaps in communication that cannot be bridged. there is no beauty in the breakdown, friend. they just say that to make themselves feel better. the beauty is there when people do nothing when actually, they can do something about their problems that afflict their small hearts, small exploding hearts. but they do nothing. i don't think i can believe in that anymore. i still don't believe in provisional arbitrary feelings, but i cannot believe in this sort of beauty anymore. it's just can't really be beautiful.
this is what i spent the whole of today on, friend. woke up and groaned and grabbed the sheets to collapse back into cotton polyester navy, woke up and ran and ran and ran late for appointment. had a date where we sat and didn't really say anything meaningful, a 12-hour date with where i can only feel unwanted because of innate stupidity. walked back, walked back on autopilot, woke up to find myself stumbling down the bus at my stop before the highway to the north. went home, ate, pottered about and it's tomorrow. hello, today.
i appreciate, i do i do i really do. i appreciate attempts, small talk that yearns for evolution to something bigger and stronger, your countenance native to my eyes, persons that i think i can understand, people whom i'd trust. i appreciate comments and words that my heart understands, long distance communication, silent dependable (flower) buds for mundane matters. i appreciate you.
but the truth is, friend, that i'm plagued by doubt, hahha, and to cut a messy aberration right off, i'm bothered in an ineffable way. it cannot be effed and forgotten. not just like that, anyway.
just when i was eating dinner and my mother was doing something or another in the room, i just randomly asked if my father and her would consider migrating, like 10+ years down the road. and what surprised me is that she softened her tone to ask why.
i don't want the world to bring us apart. but at the mention of this, i could start swearing and swearing, yes i could, oh yes, friend. no effort against this will have any effect at all unless the people concerned can understand and close their eyes and wish, and then act together. to stop being men and women who secretly desire to lead extraordinary lives, but just to live together. and here i presume much, but i don't care, d_____.
i repeat myself a lot. yesterday was rescued, though the sun had already set; how will today be? i really really hate feeling like this. the sun may have set and yesterday gone, but i haven't slept yet, so this will not be pleasant. ugh.
all i need, is to be occupied with something that, between us, we can make sure won't go wrong.
but that brings me back to para.3, you may replay it.
sigh. i was happy, friend. what happened?
Thursday, January 24, 2008
in circles, circles •whimsically: this morning there was talk of a boat show on the radio. your sea-bound dreams are intriguing, 'cause having read such fantastic history(and real, if anyone knows it)the seas seem to grow more silent, sullen as they thrash on, though only empty outlines of true ships ride their foamy maxima. As commercial cargos plow their way through these phantoms' visages via straight curves around this flat world.. a familiar presence on the waters would somehow feed the urge to create a hidden safe haven on a bought isle. there are dreams of riches and pointless living, for aesthetic's sake. It's a plastic beauty i abandon with great abandon.
Quite amazingly, i've felt happier than i've been in a long time these few days or weeks, (large)kinks in schoolwork aside. The moments have been unsure of themselves, but i'm sure i've felt more relaxed. before it'd always been like the tragic bloom of flowers in the morning; the dried wilted leavings only good for pressing into mouldy old books that no-one looks at are right there, in the special tint on that petal that the dawning star's first touch puts into my eyes. Foreshadowing. I.. don't quite know what the change is/has been. Maybe i've been given new perspective, or been given back some fraction of my old. What i do know is, when the night's breath hit me this morning at 0030 hours, i too could breath full again.
i'd never known the meaning of self-indulgence until the word was mentioned, and you've got one guess as to why. maybe i could be disgusted with the way i would handle things if i was so given the ability to. but maybe leopards can't change their spots, so they can only get used to it already and try to blend in. maybe i'm just not thinking about it, and singing, because i can't think about it. i'm still recovering.
to every thing, there is a season. for every purpose under heaven.. there is a time, a proper time. a time to cast away! to bring together. a time to be afraid, to be alone.. to fight! to yeild, to kill, and heal, there is a time, there is a time..
i know, i know. but it doesn't mean that even if things change, i'd stick to plan A. Because certain things don't happen every day, some things i refuse to wait for unless i must, and then some things just draw me inexplicably with some unutterable fragrance.
wow that was coherent.
yeah, basically i'm good as long as i'm talking with you, or singing with folks, or drawing, or running, or walking. not thinking about myself. still, when you put things into Safe Mode.. it doesn't mean we can't reboot. but it's got to be strong, to touch my heart in its shell
and i'll wait for it to come.
Monday, January 21, 2008
can only hope •
"He smiled understandingly-much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced--or seemed to face--the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey."
Saturday, January 19, 2008
travelling travelling •today i sang until i couldn't sing no more, literally, haha.
today i bought the great gatsby, finally. curiosity's stronger, literature never killed, hurt hasn't killed, what doesn't kill only makes you stronger. i'll be up tonight reading it, i think.
today it actually felt almost ok when people parted ways. who knows why.
can you see me struggling with emotions? that wash over like waves and waves that leave you blinking and trying to turn the corners of your mouth up in the morning and raise your eyebrows to friends who gather round? emotions that come from every little thing seen, every thing i see people doing, every thing i hear. every thing i hear people singing.
your voice is such a big clue into your character. maybe it changes every day, it's so unstable you wish you'd grow up and stabilize and lead a happy life. maybe it's bipolar but not a mask, because both sides are as much a part of who you are, so you can live the fullest most amazing life you can. maybe it's my inspiration, maybe it fuels my intuition, my imagination, every word out of your mouth, every expression that appears when you tell your story and laugh till you cry.
maybe if we all worked together our fear could be left behind. let go, let go, like the walking stick left leaning against the wall at the LRT station early this evening, no doubt by some generously mature senior who forgot that he depended on it, forgot that he can't go on for long without it. forgot that we can't stop him walking on, forgot that fear can't make us keep holding back, if we only
let go, let go-
Friday, January 18, 2008
intimate friendship. •this is a surprise, because i try not to write on consecutive days.
in the last year i'd become a stick-my-neck-out sort of guy. in some ways, anyway. basically, i do stupid stuff that no-one in their right mind would do, and hope that by some miracle it turns out as well as it possibly could. so, so seldom it has. and in the same old areas it just came(no other better expression for this) crashing down. and yeah. it actually hurts, what do you know.
and i do hate doing this. seriously. i'm pretty normal, in the sense that i like a familiar scene, with close friends, a comfortable atmosphere, and for the good times to just roll. it's just that in past year i'd realized that i never really had that feeling properly outside the one, or at least not for long enough.
what do you call the irrepressible urge to form close, healthy, well-meaning, mature, fun-filled, through and through well balanced platonic relationships with people? i'm well aware of how things are, how the world just is, and things like that "aren't always possible". but there's you and there's me, isn't there. and this is a you and me to whoever would actually come and read this.
i've honestly come to believe that everything, all the relationships to be made in the world, all depend on commitment. because i remember what i believed before i was made to think that i'd been disillusioned, and it's hard not to see the beauty in anyone if only you can make yourself take the time, i'd like to believe.
insofar as the people whom i've been placed amongst are concerned, it's true for me, anyway. maybe because the choice to take the time wasn't always given to me, but that's not the point. the point is, so much more time has to be taken after that, and it all has to be mutual. if a person realizes he could fall in love with anyone he choses, he can't allow himself to just, make a decision, right? there's only one intuitive criteria for this choice, i think.
sometimes, we make bad decisions. i know i've made more than my share. sometimes shit just happens. sometimes it did. but everything to be done is done in vain if a guy's alone, altogether.
and a lot of the times it's just hard to speak.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
platonic marriage •two people telling me to and not to read the great gatsby, haha. and the matters that are entwined with this in my mind are so much lengthier than the vine these things are plucked off from, it's not even funny.
now it seems that chorale has actually started again, and it didn't really feel good. i love choral singing, but every time i walk away from one more practice the feelings just add to an overarching heartache that's unutterable. and for as long as i can remember i've walked away from chorale practices feeling like this without quite knowing why. it's pretty disheartening, and it's things like this that make me wonder what it would have been like if i'd developed musically another way.
i really appreciate the people, mostly. i could feel a whole lot more, but there's a lot of doubt in me, associated with chorale, somehow. can you tell i'm going down the sinusoidal curve again, ahhahaha. i think, it's due to too many letdowns? and continual draining of hope, from every note sung, but not so much that as the other. disallowing myself to feel so strongly about certain things, because i think i shouldn't be: suppresion, haha. this will supposedly come back and kick me in the ass in the future. Freud would slap me. but then again i never did like Freud, so i'm not supposed to care.
mood is a pretty simple thing, actually. it's the little things that happen in life that affect my mood, somehow. every conversation, people i get to see and talk to, how much and what about, every word, every response, every expression. it's a subconscious sort of thing, lol. and it all adds up, at the end of the day, or year. i could write about it in my IS, but i'd just confuse myself.. but yes. it all matters.
today finally saw what they were doing with our dear old mini-canteen, sort of. and ideas for how i would do it started popping into my head, haha. and talk on portfolios, and how all my sketchbooks are totally not presentable, and how i don't have the time to properly complete and present nicely every one of those projects, or even a few. make time, she says. when i have to.
school is BAD FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH, i want Off to NS. all these people are bad for my mental health, too many possible regrets not to have. maybe it's cause it's too late? waited too long. or maybe i'm really just in the wrong place. what the hell. totally degenerating, haha, forgive me.
but yeah. every little thing contributes. it doesn't seem like much to anyone at first, but i'm so grateful to the smile that tips the scale at the end of the day. the conversation that lightened the mood, that didn't remind, that lets me forget.
the sun's rays falling, falling like paint upon our collective thoughts and dreams. shouting out-
Sunday, January 13, 2008
and burn •it's odd to see that
something weird about me
seems to be, i know how i sort of want to(as opposed to sort of know how i want to) live my life.
as in every moment and every day; this period and that stage of life where we're young and happy, trying to mature like good wine, living it up with friends and grandkids.
in other words, i somehow manage to have a pretty optimistic idealistic outlook on life. and i can see the moments, and that's what keeps me going sometimes. it's a good thing.
of course, it's a look forward for encouragement sort of thing, and ever so often things don't work out. most of the time things have gone horribly different, but i like to think that it's just the postmodern vibes of our generation's youth, and we'll settle down and stabilize soon enough, haha.
even if we don't, there'll be another way about it. the idea of architecture as a way of life just sits better and better with me every day. there are many escape routes, haha. the people are what give it it's life; the design team, the clients, the consultants. the people who are close to us, not because of architecture but just because of us. the passion associated with the place, with LT4, with under block A, with St. John's island, with that little corner in the botanical gardens - it's because of the lives that we live and the emotions we attach to places, because of people.
but so often people leave, or we don't feel close enough to them. because of doubt, because of aliens. then the place has to be enough, and the memories, the cumulation of our past experiences. intuition, the feeling that everything will be alright. it's pretty sad, but a guy needs something to grasp onto. i'd be inclined to think that, independence is a lie.
still, the place is empty. i can't but desire more. walking brick and glass-lined streets full of happy people in the bright daylight has never done anything but good, and the design process begins because of desire. because a man desires more than a place; it must be filled with people who love and hate. nothing can bring back the feeling the old relationship, the old place gave. nothing can make it alright again, but it's the desire for relationships like that that makes a person sitting on a concrete slab by the cool, clear water pick up his pencil again. because the need is greater than the pain, whether it should be that way or not.
i wanted to say, i'd decided to wait. because i can imagine myself waiting: it is a good picture. i could be content waiting; i can be good at waiting, i can carry on happily with friends and family, waiting. with jobs and studies, with music and sweat.
but i think i'd not be waiting for that anymore, not precisely. because what mattered was not that i gave, because i feel that i could give so freely if i allowed myself to, to almost anyone. what mattered was what was given in return. and, cursed be the breath that brought this thought, but i doubt about things going back to how they were. because of a bad experience while you were gone.
i'd decided to wait. i'd given myself too much slack, i'd told people. maybe it's given a bad impression. but crash-crush, i've found a use for the notebook you'd given me, deb. this is an impressionist tale - sing me this song. soundtrack not of anyone's life, but of this scene where there were two people, three people, one person. soundtracks of impressions.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
remembering •i went upstairs to my room at nine thirty planning to do my math(and here all the fears and doubts about studies this year arise from the swash of thoughts pulsing back and forth on the shore of my consciousness). but something made me decide to go search for the old sunday school songbook(which i somehow found this time after so many failed search expeditions in this mess of a house) and pick up and tune my guitar from it's case in the corner, which i have so sadly neglected(for months!) that i could barely say, i can play.
and i sat on my bed and propped the book open with my knee under crossed legs and began playing and singing. i miss this so much, and yet it's like i've never really done it before: singing these simple songs with other children of the Lord. there have had been special moments, but lately i've been chiding myself for romanticising so many memories, impressions, and i wonder if i can trust these, they seem like they're from so far away. why didn't we keep singing?
there are a number of things that sit on my mind, all the time. and this is one of them: to have a real family. this is one aspect of my life in which i do not want to not have an anchor, to not have a home to return to after wrestling with the world. i hope and hope and hope, i do. i just wish that we could all really come home to us and to Him.
and i wish that we could sing. hey, we're choristers, but more importantly we're children also in Christ. i wish also that we could sing, and share, but people have lives and truth be told, i'm afraid. if it doesn't matter enough to you, it won't do any good, however much it could to me, would it. but i do wish we could sing. and if i had given myself a Christmas wish, this is what i would wish. but.. for a way to make it come true..
our time is so short, and i can only hope that silence is because we're all afraid. because then there's some small measure of hope, than if it didn't matter. and i should know that time is short.
and i miss sitting together, two, singing. about God.
Monday, January 07, 2008
physical reassurance •
".. which (just to be provocative) we propose to call Epistemic Romanticism. One central idea of 19th century Romanticism was that our real selves, the essence of our identity, is implanted within us, and that to discover who we really are we but need let that real identity emerge. Epistemic.."truth be told, that's what i miss, i think.
unfortunately i find myself in quite a cut up state of mind, as the distressed leather of my now-empty wallet. i don't know why i care about these things, precisely, but i do know that i'd decided to care and still do, somehow. whether i want to is another thing entirely and a question i'd rather not examine, for fear that i'd stop.
it's a number of things that are hard to talk about, and it's early in the morning, my current source of distress is KI IS, but the blinding pressure that was reaching childhood-recurring-nightmare-that-wakes-me-up-covered-in-sweat standards started lessening a while ago when i began rereading gen's article. thank you, flap of a butterly's wings. of late i just haven't been able to think.. philosophically. i've only been able to act.. provisionally, and then only barely. my thoughts are a mess, they have as much direction as zero length vectors. i find myself silent more often than not, more often than usual. the belief i ascribe is that i'm burnt out of energy, so what if it's a state of mind. the belief is in fact that i'm afraid of acting, because i don't know, beause you seem so contradictory.
in other words, yes, i have arisen, awoken. yawn. nobody likes a mopey kid. real men cry streams of blood, and then some, blah etc basically you can only romanticize for so long, and then you have to slap yourself(assuming, as it is, that there's noone to save you the trouble and slap you first) and try to go on living. please don't come to me and tell me, hey, glad you're feeling better. i'm glad that you're glad, i truly am, but the blade is still in the wound in a number of cases. now the healing can begin, i said. i'd said it for that one thing, that one thing only. and now i would even have doubts about that.
in other words, i still feel and always will. for you and you and you, and things that need catching up and building and dreaming but wait- are you too tired, too afraid too? or maybe it's my imagination and you basically don't give a damn, as i'm being convinced it is. i'll put down my ego someday and take the risk myself and ask, but as for now we've got no choice but to continue walking our own ways. straight as the frisbee flies isn't very straight at all, and eventually the disk will connect with the dirt, if it isn't caught by someone first.
here's to hoping one of us will reach out and catch.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
night and day •good feeling's gone.
some things are easier said than done, and
and there's helplessness.
how does a person change so much in half a year?
by all rights i should know.
and actually, i think i do.
and there's helplessness.
my every waking thought •how bout something in a normal voice today.
i guess reflections are due this year, and thanks to a very special person, i'm in a fit state of mind to narrate it properly.. the walk and Starbucks were wonderful, and even though it was hardly much more than an hour, i'm very thankful for Huilin (: weathering the rainstorms of friendship have made for a beautiful relationship, and i'm quite sad that now that i can really call and talk anytime, i can't really anymore. it's personal understanding that makes these feelings last beyond affiliation to a group of people, and i really hope to forge more like this, so, so much. haha. ok. anyway, i know you'll read sometime or another, and i just want to say i can only wish the very best for you, and i shamelessly volunteer myself to be the best man when the time comes! xD yup. ok, better stop, haha. tugging heartstrings too much just makes them raw and wet, and it's not even new year's eve.
yesterday was a funny day, but i'm very glad it passed the way it did.. played soccer with the j2 guys one last time in the morning. it's just something that i'm going to miss i suppose, from deep down to the days in sec2, when people like chin ee and gengrui weren't tied down by feelings of duty, we were just happy regular kids and we played basketball in the mornings before sectionals on saturdays or soccer on the astroturf. i guess have to say i really envy the graduating batch of guys. the kind of camaraderie that transcends understanding is really beautiful, and it must be great to have such a group of buddies who have and will go through so much of life together. cherish! and i hope i could gain something like that too..
bubble tea, dinners at the playground, at s11 and the PDA place under the hdb flats will be missed too, lol. was good to just sit there and listen, always has been, and the most interesting topics surfaced at these places, hahhaha. this was our own inadequate, insecure way of displaying affection, lol, and i'm going to miss it so, it's just not something that our batch would do. and there are things that haven't been said yet, thought nobody knows quite what they are, and i hope that this proves not to be one of those self-terminating applications, as i sense it isn't. because they are most certainly not low-priority. sometimes one wonders whether one should be there but.. i'm really going to miss these j2s.
overall, the truth is i don't recall much about the year in detail. personal things have occupied me, i'd just gone on the blink and done stupid things. i'd neglected a lot of things that should have been very important to me, which are, which really are. there really isn't an explanation.. only a very poor decision.
i'm very thankful for geoffrey and wenyi, haha. i do such insanely stupid things, but some friends have a knack for seeing true colors, and i'm ever so grateful. i'm grateful for a friendship that's stood the test of time and circumstances, and i'm grateful for a friendship that's blossomed when, well, i needed it the most. things like this don't happen for any old reason. i think i kept too many things to myself, and actually some things can't be explained or described even if i tried, but i'm glad that i could open up yesterday evening, and i'm glad that you could stand the cheese. because as someone who may not understand what had transpired over these four years, for reasons, it's easy to dismiss this as just guy nonsense. and i may very well have if i'd been in your position. so, thank you for seeing me as an actual real person..
this year has been a very trying year, and unfortunately i had to go through a lot of it myself. i don't think anyone could understand how hard it was for so much that was important to collapse or disappear at once. but i know i handled it very poorly indeed, and i'm paying the price. and some things aren't salvageable, i fear. people change.. i cried when i first sang that song. and it had been there all along, but i happened to pass it by, and i can only say that your words seem very cold, and i'm losing hope too, and then it really will be beyond rescue. and why not. i know i've only got myself to blame, and i sometimes keep telling myself that i'd just idealized all those memories to make them so beautiful, more beautiful than they were, and i keep humming that song to try to desensitize myself, to make it possible for it to go away easier, and it seems that i'm already preparing myself for it. one day i will find closure, and i already know how.
it'd been one thing after the other, as cliché as that sounds. i could draw a timeline in my head. denial, depression, anger, what else was there? contrary to what anyone may think, many things have affected me this year. i'd lost one after the other, and chorale just gave me so much.. dunnowhat. there were no fresh starts this year, as much as i'd hoped, coming over from RV and RI. and i think i'd given up so long ago it's not even funny, and i could be really angry because of it all. and sometimes i am, and when i'm angry i do things. but i try not to think about it, and some things are salvageable, in some small sense anyway. although some feelings are going to be hard to change, i want to understand some of these people, only because i know i can't have it all. we only have so little time, and i'd never put enough effort into these incredibly special people because i'd been so distracted by things, and so angry, and so afraid. and i'm not experienced, i'd never picked things up from halfway before. not really, anyway. but i'm going to try, because i know it'll be worth it when things last beyond this affiliation.
a lot of things are left hanging, of course, and i don't forget. i still remember what i swore, and i wonder about danne, and i ponder about grace. i miss huiqi in the oddest way. i want to grab
can you tell i'm avoiding thinking about it? yes, i think i was brought to my senses, but it doesn't mean that anything important has changed, really. it just means that i've decided what's important to me, and what's important to me, and i've decided on what i'm going to do for now. yesterday, it almost felt like i'd decided this already, and i'd only just discovered that this was what i'd decided.. but it's ok. i'll just have to distract myself with studies, and distract myself from studies, as is fit. many things are important. but in the end i guess we had better do what we must, and we will do what we just have to anyway. but nothing has changed, because i get the feeling that this is something else that i'd already decided but have yet to realize.
ok. there's more, but i'll leave it at that. there's so much to be done.. i'd better continue working. i will get what i want. because i've decided that i want it. ok, haha, suddenly i really miss huilin. to work!
may we fight the good fight ,and run our course well in the year ahead. please bless the ones whom we love, and help us to do Your will.