|archives connections journal|
please leave a message, after the post.
the continuous chain
Thursday, May 22, 2008
pocketbook scribbling •i don't know why i bring up certain things, things that well, for a good reason i choose to erase from my memory. there's a reason why strong drink often makes a man forget what he did when he was drunk, after all. oh well, maybe it's some sort of retarded arrogance, what the hell are you trying to show off man, that you've had experience being more of a retard than the other guys?
SAT results back, i did abysmally. it really does feel like breaking up through sms, how you click a link and there's your answer from a load of colleges right there. i know i didn't really prepare, but oh well sigh. so much for all that, mr. ng was even talking to us about college stuff and all that today, he really can get a guy comfortable talking about these stuff when he's given the time and gets down to it, lol. i asked him about cornell and how i really hoped to study architecture there and he went, almost briskly, lightly and frivolously, oh! our students seem to do quite well with their admissions officers, those who apply are generally accepted. well. perhaps it's a test of how much i want it, haha.
in the end i suppose all such things are idealizations based on what we can imagine and what we hope for, but i'd bet on them, since there's not much more to work on, i won't be able to go and see, duh. and well, reputation precedes them, so whatever. at this kind of time it's depressing to think about such things, even though when you really consider it the fact is we'll have to begin to handle these things seriously only in a few months time.
anyway, what's at hand is our competition tour, and i have only one small prayer for trip, really. better that one's fears not be shared, so shush, haha. flu-thing is mostly cleared up, i do believe i'll be in perfect shape just as the plane takes off. or i hope, but i'm fit to sing my best, haha. now it's a matter of getting into top gear, fine-tuning all the equipment. sigh i wish i had a better recorder. do i sound like that!
life has been trying, as usual. in flashbacks: i'm an absolutely horrible student to mr chia, sigh. i have no excuses, i just really suck, i should drop h1 but! i don't want to! oh gosh how do i work on solidifying my three core subjects, researching and studying for my thesis and KI, and spend all the time and passion i want to on art. i need a time machine, but well isn't this complaint all tired and worn out already from being used by people all over the world.
people have been trying, i've been trying, i don't know! how have i been affecting people, how do i stop being something detrimental when so often some part of me just isn't interested in thinking about that. i appreciate that when i come right out and ask mr lee what it is about me that bothers him he can come right out and just say it too. i'm tired and tired of inadequate communication, if we're all equally mature individuals can't we just accept one another and work from there to better ourselves as we deem fit, to make ourselves easier to be loved. also i'm tired of backstabbing and well i don't know, that's too harsh a thing to call it! and and and come on.. when i ask questions, i'm not trying to challenge you! i'm trying to get a better understanding of what's going through your mind and heart so that i can make better decisions on how to think and feel myself. don't you think, just maybe it's something about you that's making you so defensive, nobody's accusing or judging you yet. and it well, shows, folks' worldviews, what is so surprising about talent and effort spent to develop a passion that's been kept under wraps because a person decides not only to be humble but to be actively so. perhaps all the surprise at a person's capabilities is because you yourself think too much of yourselves. sigh gosh this is so snippish.
i begin to understand the stuckness of my psychological state. so many situations i'm caught in between emotions and beliefs and stands, i'm not angry i'm not hurt, i'm not confident i'm not humble, i'm not unconcerned i'm not desperate to get close, i'm not sorry for the distance i'm not happy about what's working out. what is with all this.
i want to go back, then stop timeeee. nobody here will have anything to do with love it seems, at least as of now.
i'm listening to old music again. really old.
old as us.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
dragonfly's wings •
Taking for granted
(taking for granted)
... all of her smiles
That got away
so much for breaking the continuity of the tedium of life
we're back in the emotional poverty cycle, the most
exact description of vocalizing these days must have been
that one; a day-time psychiatric nightmare. not vocalizing
itself though, of course. somehow i've begun to sing with
more heart, maybe something broke
i bought an music player i'm in medium-major debt once again
somehow i don't care for now. i'll get a job or something,
i'll eat flowers and thoughts of her breath, i'll draw
trees and trees, and trees and forests on your paper journal
i'll see you soon, come back from   !
what am i? am i a liability, am i a jerk, am i a problem that
needs managing with human resource and thoughtful thoughts and
placing, how do i articulate the separation, the link that seems
to you to be enough, but i see plainly isn't there, we don't
voice-dance in the hall before the lecture theater, we don't
play anything meaningful on that stage. this is a psychiatric
nightmare, i'll have to try harder to be a better person, or even
the person i was though there's no escape and no soft refuge
when people begin to cry only an day and a half after singing
! this is no time to be discouraged, we're all
afraid, this was when we needed the ties of touch
and breath and simple, speaking words on our lips
i've forgotten what we were singing about, i'm singing
about crying out and about things that aren't there oh,
great and marvelous are your ways! Lord God Almighty
let me stand on the rock, where - oh, great mystery.
pure, as if gold
they sing and prophesy!
dry your eyes, they chill the body but
not the soul, if i can help it at all,
if i can help it at all.
If you find yourself here on my side of town
I'd pray that you'd come to my door
Talk to me like you don't know what we ever fought about
Cause I don't remember anymore
I just know that she warms my heart
And knows what all my imperfections are
And she said that I was the brightest little firefly in her jar
i'm tired, for what people are talking about
and that somehow for some reason i had to
come to know of it, i don't know. and we'll
all have to go at it even more, i'm helpless
i'll just weaken myself and sing my soul one
last time with us children.
i'm sorry! but for all i've done
i'm sorry too that you've to be
so sure that you're right and
well, maybe you can take the time
to tell me what and who i am and
why i do what i do, as you seem
so sure of, when i sing i seem to
and maybe i'd ask to know all
about you before you decide
to walk away and i'll close
something that never became
more than acquaintance, you
can ask a better friend of mine
and a closer friend to you why
i can't handle you or you or you
i'm coarser than i thought, and
i'll ask you about you and me
and maybe you'll answer me for a while
so that maybe i'll ask you early on
a polish morning on the porch of a small town motel
after we've missed the sunrise, gosh
it must have been on purpose, wasn't it.
it must have been.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
quoth the raven •hello. it's been a vapid
sort of week. people
falling in and out of love,
things. wondering about
life and themselves, doing
tutorials, singing songs.
i'm in need of a new hobby
because i'm done with all
the tutorials i'm supposed
to be doing, except for
physics, which i intend to
dedicate the tour to. and
art, which i will do to-
morrow, and so forth. so
much for big decisions to
become a lifeless mugger
made at the start of 2007
i'm bored and i haven't
even started properly.
i'm browsing online, possible
subscriptions to architecture
magazines and such. the problem
is they're quite costly, and
a good number of nice ones
aren't available locally, i
i left school earlier today on
impulse and -
other feelings, to distract me
from aksjdfhlaother things
i'm planning on giving up on
cooking, i swear it's impossible
to explore without dedicating
your life and soul. not that i cook
anyway. just produce edible, passable
haven't had chest pains for two
weeks now, so i'm taking it as
a good sign and training again.
illness is passing, just need to
clear my sinuses; i think i'll be
back into healthy singing form
next next rehearsal latest. that's
good, i guess.
"'tisn't fair!" i swear
it's not worth being
homey and unexciting
no-one appreciates the
peaceable, and annoying
boys who take the effort
to play it gayish and
please the girls in
the weirdest ways, make
me tired after i've
ah whatever really. what
i need is something fresh
something that will keep
me occupied but open to
the people whom i seek
now, but are occupied or
silently hidden, good
grief i don't think i can
take this much longer.
no, EVERYTHING you speak
of is cliché, it is so
to me, and your lack of
charity makes for no
nor engagement with you
with me. no, it's just
me, i'm sheltered, since
i came out of childhood
i'd never been made to
be accustomed to have
to find a way to connect
intimately with people
with no wonder nor
compassion. no, wait
it's just that the world
is made so we don't
connect. oh well
! this is so uppity.
i could set myself on fire
gah bah why am i singing
this game has been drawn out too long
it's really really tiring sitting in the same room as you all
will someone open the door and offer to go for a walk.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
de significância •i wish i had the courage to step uninvited
into your schedule where i need to be
and: if you hadn't told me otherwise, nothing
would have made me doubt for a second that
you were the wonder-ful person who wrote
Lord, i owe you so much though often feel
so little, for what you have given
i'd run for the scrap of paper in my jacket
where i've jotted down phrases that reminded
me of you, just because they'd be the sort
of meaningless pretty pieces of the language
that i'd blurt out to you when we're walking
arm in arm down the street, then ask you later,
what on earth was that i did utter?
as down the concrete hallway he trod, you could
hear the sound of the kneading of his heels
into the earth,
"i do love your tempered womanliness, he
murmured. learning further in: and i do fear
i love you more for the parsimony with which
you choose to so behave; with a light laugh -
isn't is precious how we speak so in vaulted
whisper? how cloyingly paltered, like the
things we paint gaily in conversation, with
we've only just begun, to live
i'm slowly falling in love with bossa all over again
(not that i ever fell out, it just sort of felt like
unfaithfulness, willing yet technically blameless)
this afternoon i walked back with cold sweat
and feeling pretty queasy, but i decided to just go
ahead with the plan; changed and washed to get clean
into a new frame of mind like i've come to like doing
put the stereo under the bed onto track seven and -
in warmth that could only be called so for the artificial cold
lay flat, clutching the sheets and cotton from beneath
i got up at the end of the compilation and got on with life
and that's how music has a coarse, comforting sort of touch on me.
perhaps it's a sign. the discourse on beauty today
reminded me of something; of how though we find it
hard to know what is art, we hardly find it as difficult
to call things art, airily. so if art is meant to represent,
perhaps it is not so important what things represent,
but that things represent important things to us. as reminders
of affections we attach to metaphors for the bits of the
fabric of life.
and so perhaps it's not so important what is
or isn't a sign, but that we are reminded of
something important from time to time, through
our way of living. for so often we might say,
oh! is this what you signify when you did such
and such an action, but the reply comes as, why
no, i didn't mean anything at all. the value of
the lesson learned is inherent, whether or not there
actually is a teacher; life is the teacher for us,
whether we actively pay attention and pick them out
wherever we are given to so do, then ask relevant
questions through our responses to the twists that
she gives, that is more important, perhaps. so maybe
she gives the beautiful answers to questions about
life, only then.
we've only just begun! to live
our life in singing isn't coming
to an end, friend. our education(in song)
has just begun, and life will keep
teaching us about voices and music
through our lives, whether one becomes
a maestro or a mother, and the true
singing is the gentle road of living
a life of song. not ending, or beginning
to sing. only, the gaussian-ed crescents
of our voices in song wafting our hearts
into the time-weathered skies over the
homes of the people whom we will and do love
Monday, May 12, 2008
On Chesil Beach •i had written a suitably classy-upped two paragraphs to
comment on the book, but rereading gave me one of those
horribly tepid feelings, of disgust. i'll be quite plain, i hope.
the entire writing constantly reminded me of dissimilarities,
of course i cannot but help to draw comparison, haha. one
thing that struck me however was how they too had realized
how chance the meeting was, and how remarkable. i'd begun to
wonder if anyone else has felt this way; then the entire
consciousness slipped into foolish revelation; of course.
but! to not appear unsophisticated in reading(that of course
was not the center of the text for me) i'll go on. well. there's
not much that is impersonal to say, with the sort of writing it
is. but the one thing it did was keep me up and down on the flow
of the words between the two protagonists, and on how their
unrestraint was every bit as devastating as their silence. of course,
it is a central issue to pursuing this sort of life; life with another.
the thing at play here is the circumstances under which i read, which
are complicated as that three hour scene in less than an inch of pages,
if that is possible at all. hm. no, it is not, actually. their lives
are more complicated than they themselves, it is a product of
an unhappy uncommunicativeness with those whom they love. we love.
whilst people speak always of treasuring our time, building up
precious moments, i wonder only now if i'm doing the right thing,
trying to drink in the present and be glad in the Lord, now. trying
to give up living on memories; and it is working at the same time as
it is not. i do not think i live on memories anymore, but i keep a face
in mind, of course. gosh, i suddenly felt confessional for a moment there.
anyway. i do not live on the present yet either; packing my suit back into
the wardrobe i fell back onto the carpet and stared onto the mended ceiling-fault
i am living each moment to the fullest. am i, then. it feels empty, maybe because
i am not really, yet? it feels like i am living on nothing. how does that work? hm.
i may regret saying this, or this will have no effect whatsoever, but i wish that
something would irrevocably be thrust upon me and force me to make some decision
that would actually mean something. in any sense at all.
the book is incidentally, like bread and marmalade to me; the wholemeal which
is not coarse bread and therefore obviously high-bred, but- the citrus which
is sharp and tangy, as it should be, but- in its entirety something that is
quite generally not a taste i appreciate. it is a somewhat complex yet
distilled course of experience, yet disagrees intricately with my palate;
it's quite beyond description, i'm hopelessly inapt haha.
either way, in conclusion i would boldly say that
the crux of the difference lay in that we were not
so tightly dedicated and chaste in our thoughts and
passions; we loved every part of the world with complete
and combined fervor; that is how i will recall it. and
because of that, any miscommunication must not be irrevocable
and we must forever be just as sensitive to one another's
shifts in thought and feeling, right up till the moment when
we are not there to sense it.
Saturday, May 10, 2008
verse twenty-eleven •week has been crazy, i see huilin around like the world
actually is a small place, but oh well. i'm not
a good enough person to have the energy to treasure
with all that heart every moment and person with
that sort of intensity, yet. we keep growing.
i'm sort of sick now but this is one of those times
i've decided to man it and slowly run it dry, rather
than knocking myself out for two days and getting back
into top form. i didn't want to miss a moment of it all.
the music can be devastating to your body as it can be
to your heart mind and soul, what do you know, eh.
it's 17 days till competition tour! i do think i'll
thoroughly soak in as much of chorale as i can in
this time. by no means will chorale be the end of
my affair with singing, but there's just a lot of
unspoken unresolvedness, in my heart anyway. i
don't know if i'm man enough to resolve them, but
the fact is that time waits for no-one, and people
leave. i don't know what to say or do about that,
really, haha. i'll do my best? or not so.. or that
inadequacy is a fundamental state, outside of my
control to address. i wish it otherwise, anyway.
i wish that things had turned out so much
different, that i was a different man, sometimes.
that i might have things some other
more desirous way, from this perspective anyway.
not really thinking straight, haven't been for
a while(you can't really blame me, i'm some sort of
quaternary transition ion that can't be isolated! noo)
but what the hell. the bottom line is that when i do
think i'm thinking straight, i can't imagine anything
that i can see now comparing to what we had then, and
60 months and counting down the road i don't
think i can reconcile myself with anyone
just yet, not with a clear conscience.
die Umarmungen du gab, dass so
entwaffnet mich, wenn auch nicht
zu mir, obwohl Ich hätte es so,
sie füllte mich mit solchen
nackt Sehnsucht nach jenem Augenblick,
dann den Rest des Abends,
damit ich kann keine Ruhe.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
five hundred thousand lilies •i'm pretty darn tired but hey i don't want to go offline to sleep
what with everyone still here despite getting home at like 0100
concert was pretty darn good all in all i think. so much for
discussions of which bits were good and which weren't so much
i say it was damn good. every screw-up and every millisecond of
locking into the sound, i think i'll remember for a long time, how
we sang, as we walked off the stage: Great and Marvelous are
Your Deeds! Lord God Almighty! since we're trying to feel, i'd try a
different way now. i felt humbled by what He's done with us, little prayers
backstage and in a quiet corner of the changing room, such beautiful
music given to us. i'd like to believe we've given it back, back to Him and
made our souls richer for the love we've shared. i'd say we've done good (:
subconsciously i'd began to think about what i'd been feeling, so many people to
think about, so many un-usual feelings to expect. ah well, reflection can come
tomorrow, heh. i'll hit the sheets,
five hundred thousand lilies planted in my soul
five hundred thousand lilies golden white to make me whole
fenced-in fields o'er the by and by
satin buds they live and die
through sleepless nights they've come to lie
upon my heart
for since the streams of life must part
and every raindrop bends, breaks, heals and imparts
a gentle brush upon their tender flesh besides
i'll sing a song and move along
touch your face then swell the throng
five hundred thousand lilies in my parted heart belong
Friday, May 02, 2008
blam! floodlights •
do you know, my heart skips a beat when you speak about
confidence- what kind? i'd like to ask, but any-way we're still
sashaying around one another from day to glorious day
i am immensely unprepared for the SATs tomorrow. if somehow i end up in a American university i swear my peers will murder me for how little i've spent on getting ready for this and getting in besides, haha. but whether or not that may happen.. is another cloud of thought altogether.
i'm doing fractions of tests on and offline right now, should really print the admissions slip soon. these have been busy days, busy busy weeks but i don't even really recall where they went. i do think it's time to snap out of unfeeling-ness, at whatever risk. i'm sick of being blank, hahahahah, so help me.
mostly i've been immensely tired from chorale. there have been a few more good moments, though sometimes it still seems like people can't feel and sing at the same time. furthermore i've pinpointed/been shown precisely where+how my technique needs improving, so i have Renewed Sense of Purpose when it comes to singing (: have been working on it. but oh well times is short these days, i'll get to it once this rush period of a week and a half is over.
i do have a sense of how i've slowly developed vocally over these years of choral music, and well. i guess i don't regret it, staying through. it's never been for nothing, and there are always good times and bad times, (however disproportionate it seems all depends on your expectations, doesn't it). i promise never to stop expecting more, expecting something even more picturesquely beautiful.
events coming up are i) SAT Reasoning Test tomorrow, ii)chorale concert, iii) trip, iv) CT2s, v)Singapore Garden Festival + Art Festival, vi)superhardcorefulltime mugging. which really should begin earlier.
i'm listing them over and over to myself. also,
knowledge and inquiry independent study thesis
architecture admissions portfolio
university research(to be done!)
getting back into top form
golf, squash, basketball, frisbee
language course if necessary
getting a job
taking the effort to clean up and be proper.
and i don't know. ice skating? i thought i wanted to, and not just for that, but they say i'm too old and i have to agree hahahhahaa whatever man. oh and i need to go spend money on clothes after concert i swear i have too many t-shirts, people keep giving them to me.
this is like one of- how many? psyche ups into the game of life, which has to happen when you're at the sign-ups. i'm just.. taking it a step early and doing it during the pre-match games, i guess. might as well make the most of it and take it as a practice for the real one, even though it's a completely different ball game. because after you grow up, you can't say, it doesn't matter whether you win or lose, as easily anymore.
we are going to win this together.