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Saturday, March 31, 2007
it's never enough, is it. •
it's time for a review.
a quater of the year is gone, and seriously, i'm sure many of us are already thinking about how quickly the rest will go, and we'll be mugging for A's.. it's troubling, and although in some weird way i want it to come for the brief break NS will give(albeit at a cost), but i also want to live these two years to the fullest.. haha.. and every other year, of course. well.
chorale has been pretty.. weird too, if you'll forgive my poor vocab skills.. i really love these people, i do, but somehow i just feel i'm doing something bad. it just almost has to be the persona problem again. every social situation calls for some sort of persona, and for chorale it has, irritatingly, resulted in me appearing to be more or less what i did in RV; some sort of stupid, impulsive, moody, childish happy-go-lucky freak who can't stay on one thing for more than a day. i could blame it on the seriousness of certain people and say i just become like that natually to act as a counterbalance, but that would be el stupido as well, wouldn't it?
it's just, the first half of the problem. or third. or quarter. in some stupid way i'm just get the feeling i'm not making myself very likable to these people; yes my dear, that people don't like me. and not for reasons that i can't imagine. all the same, i just don't know what to do. ok, i know what i might, but it'd just be so hard. i don't really want to go into it all here; social circles, preconceptions. whatever, ok. i just get the feeling, Scheiße, i've botched it once again. and time is so short. and i really with we could be all that. but how many times have i said it. the difference is, this time i'm just this far from seeing why we absolutely can't. not with me in the picture, anyway.
yeah, that's only a part of it all. sheesh, this is stupid. can't believe i'm going on about this again.
what i really wanna do now is, fill my day so full with appointments that people are willing to make and keep, with people i care about, that ain't nobody else can squeeze in. every time it's, no time, i've got this and that. and i'm like, hm yeah, that's pretty important, you'd better go do that. so we're all yay. childishness, muchly.
there are so many things i could do; i just gotta do it, stupid. i don't spend all that much time doing homework anyway, not serious stuff, cause i just get stuck and mope. so many things that i need to do and don't, want to and don't, i don't even want to start listing. i just don't. i would say, if only there was someone to do it with, but whatever.
i just want stuff to settle down like, now. i mean, ok, change is constant in life. it's good, yepyep, i like it, really. it's what keeps stuff interesting. i just feel, uncomfortable. pah. i know what it means. and i don't know what to think anymore. everything just keeps me guessing, and i don't know if i should. which only comes around to add to the feeling. please, end! i need a constant.
yeah, i'm getting bored at what i'm writing too. basically could be but is not, in so many senses.
so, gripe of the month then. nobody ever has the time. whatever. what am i supposed to say? 'fine, i haven't got the time either.''it's ok, i'll always have time even if you're this way'. screw it all. i am.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
•i don't know how to cope with failure, is all. when everything crumples after i've given my all, when nobody's with me when i'm willing to do anything for them and us, just don't know what to do but go on as if it didn't matter.
but the gaping hole's still there.
dormant, but not dead. well. i guess, if i still have the strength to hope for that much. i know i don't for other things already.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
there have been times where it's been weird, to some extent.. yet somehow it just can't be anymore. i've never came out and admitted it myself before, but.. somehow i just don't give people that chance anymore. i'm still willing to believe in people for everything, that they can be anything i dream them to be, but it stops just there. maybe you know where i'm talking about.
i know it must seem stupid to just be this way about something in the past, but a lot of things i do don't have that much reason behind it actually. it's been thrust upon me, but i have to admit that, well yeah, now that i stop and examine myself that way, i do make a lot of decisions based on intuition. but somehow it's been right, most of the time.. but i can't help but think about things that i may have missed because i just believed i can't.
it's not that i want to distance myself from people, but somehow even when i try, when i'm in a group like that, i seldom develop what people call a close relationship.. i don't think i know exactly why this is how it is when i'm not trying to do anything or be any way in particular, but it probably is my fault anyway, because a lot of times i just don't take action. just waiting.. waiting for nothing. i guess you would tell me to snap out of it if you could, wouldn't you.. haha. ah shucks.
it's just, fear. i know it's wrong to believe in a time to come when things will be in place for better things that if one takes action now, but somehow i think that there just may be such a time ahead.. though, not to say that we should just stay stagnant now. it's just that, come that time, we had better take some decisive action. because i don't want to miss out on all that we can be.. i know that believing, desiring, dreaming for too much will most likely give me a harder fall, but it's something i'm willing to sacrifice, to achieve all that, someday.. and i do believe i will. i don't say much, because, the way i live now, it's a very personal relationship.. i don't have anyone else that close to share it with, but my Father is always there, and i know it. everything i do, everywhere i go, i hope i'm doing the right thing.. and i know i can do anything, if only it is.
there are thing that i don't want to repeat over and over, because i think people don't want to know it, because there isn't really any reason for there to be people who would want to know it anyway. but i repeat over and over to myself, the things that i belive in, the things that i admire, and the things that i want to achieve. it's a very selfish way of thinking, perhaps.. but in the end, that's how it all works out.. because in the end, the reason why i, at least, want things for people, is cause it gives me a certain feeling, anyway. right or wrong, who can say.. it's only love.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
i don't know what to say, so i'll just be ranting, if ye not be minding it too much.
i should never have hoped so much, if i couldn't take no for answer, i guess. things are the same everywhere. everyone seems resigned to the same thing, same ideas that are placed before our eyes and minds. if you think, nobody can go everywhere and be close to loads of people, then fine. but still, why? why is it so? and can you be close to even one person? truly close?
to look at it in a very broad manner, all it means that i haven't met anyone who sees the world that could be like i do. there's post-modernism for you. since KI i realized that the whole world that i constructed and believed to be related to tribalism is really part of that much bigger structure. pah well. it's not a solution; it's only another thing to resign yourself to. i don't wanna.
that's what it's all about, isn't it. for me, anyway. to find some people, or someone who lives in the same universe as me. but there's so much more.. others exist, inside or out, and when they ask questions that mean something, questions that are important, that need to be asked and aren't asked enough(particularly by the people whom i wish would think to ask them), i don't know what to say. i don't know what the answers are, all i can say is, we're searching, and maybe there is no answer. the lesson is in the search. the real goal is to find the perfect way of carrying out the process. that the thing to strive for is not a a destination, but the perfect way to travel. because it would seem that we'll always be travelling.. so how should we?
but that's another question without an answer. one cannot always be searching.. otherwise i'd be searching for the perfect way to live life, then searching for the perfet way to search for the perfect way to live life, etc.. in the end, ggxx. mental blowout, emotional demolition. but there can't just be no answer..
that's the whole thing, really. i just can't accept things that i somehow come to think about, or realize. things that people would, or may find insulting, insulting to their way of living life. i really dont know what to do anymore.. so often i find that i'm somehow stepping on so many people's toes, and i don't know what to do. i don't want to just go away.. but do i have to?
living life as if waiting, waiting for something to change, for everything to be all right, because a change that will bring relief is just around the corner. soon the As will be over, soon NS will be over, soon i'd have graduated, soon i'll retire. but there really is no respite.. the journey, the journey. but living the journey as it is now just seems so pointless, because i am only one, and there is noone else.