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Saturday, December 29, 2007
q •even as people talk to me about other things that should concern me so, i find it impossible to think of anything else. isn't that unfair? isn't that dangerous? meet the tide, charades wasn't meant to be a way of life in this sense.
i dreamt of some ugly town, and i can't remember the earlier bits. but deep inside the tower of the enemy i found a massive place, with the most magical spaces and architecture, with hints of classical and an aura of a fairytale miracle. there were children, not so derelict as full of wonder, only five or six or seven of them, rich in personality but not unveiled, because it wasn't important.
f was there, and she presided over the children and the place like a lie, now that i'm awake i feel. fulfilled in understanding, with the calm peace that extrudes and mature glow which is made complete only by the most special sort of relationship. i was amazed, to tell the truth, when she showed me the place, by the way she showed me the place, and how i had already seen all that she could show in my search for her in that hollow, though who can say why or how i knew. and she was the center of the dream, the one that lasts beyond misty eyes. but the thing that hit hardest upon open eyes is how it's all a lie, self-fabricated.
and i met a man, mature and grayed who presided over the whole grounds, though the place was not so much grounds as air, and platforms floated as if the whole place were not in the tower but on some other plane. the man gave the feeling of the sort who wore a suit and a kingly purple and peasant gray robe that hid it, and he showed me upwards, away from her. some sort of tinted light permeated the whole place, and it was such a dream. i saw the children building upwards, i remember that i said this: i wished i could build like this, out of the heart and inspiration only, in stone. and stone represented so much.
i did remember what happened to the end, but now i don't. but in the end the thoughts that stayed were how idealized everything was, and how vision is so dependent on decision. i decided to love you, i decided to set myself to this purpose, i decide to commit to this feeling. there could be reasons, but they are not really reasons so much as they are attempts to justify decisions. but whatever they are, the most important thing is still the decision. because i want to say, i have decided, and i almost can, but i cannot. and this cannot continue, and charades cannot be a way of life, only real drama can. and you, others. i have a love-hate relationship with you only for these others' sakes.
and g dreamt that i was going to die. i have never dreamt that, but i know what i would do, and how i would feel, because it's something i'm prepared for always. because you never know when something will crop up, and i will decide that to give this person, or these people more time to decide is so much more important that anything i could do with the rest of my time. because time is short only for such a short while, then time is long and nothing is left but that which was not. and i wonder if it's His will, even as i pray for only His will every time i pray, believe me. because the more i think of it this way, the more it feels like soon all this won't matter. and i wonder if i'll ever have the fortune to have that pleasure, to have someone, you, by my side looking at the work my hands would have wrought.
and i have a blade too. but, unlike yours, it is double-edged, soiled, gray gold with a steel blade and two red tassels, tattered and frayed. there are reasons why there is nothing physical i fear more that being stabbed, but the reasons are probably just justifications for some below-the-surface decision. the significance is this: i have never trusted any man more. and this blade will be for someone special. as yours was.
what else? hm. i bought a bracelet, of moonstone. it was for someone special too, but i realized that she'd left. i'd realized before i chose it with the attendant, but i continued because of a lie, self-fabricated. now it sits in a red and gold cotton pouch in the inner breast pocket of a blazer that was never supposed to be warm enough for the winter.
and when i came back i bought a cross and a silver chain that's short because i wouldn't put it on properly to check, because nobody made me. because someone saw mine, and tsk-ed, and said they'd get a proper silver one with me. so ok. i went and got one with them. but they hadn't been there for a year.
what did you dream?
there's always the chance that it was important.
Friday, December 28, 2007
faith and blush •i was just Googling the meaning of "quintessentialising", and in the very page where i found it i came across the definitions of callipygian and zaftig, which just reminded me of *ahem* some
when we begin talking about random things that happened or will, about life and the world and things that shouldn't be able to get much more cliché, it's unusual that i can walk away with a good feeling at all. and how the words don't become cold and reserved and vague and everyone's afraid. and how it's not impersonal anymore. it's a good feeling.. special people aren't real, because they are only after you experience them, and you make them so for you. maybe it's got something to do with how boys can ask for kisses but never hugs, but sometimes people happen to need the same things. it's a world out there.
it's true that a lot of the time, you only realize certain things when you sit down face to face and begin talking, talking about one another and yourself. it's also true that sometimes some things need to be a conscious effort, because in the end it's all for the best, no matter how others feel about it. there are many things three or four or five people could talk about, but so little time to sit down over it. but we knew that already.. priorities are such nonsense that i'd almost cease to believe in them.
i do know that i blink from one picture to another too fast sometimes. facades are not only seen by others, but experienced by yourself, more importantly.. a lot of times things are felt and you decide that things are so, though there are so many other possible ways to interpret the situation. so few people really communicate, as cold as a word it is. so many people speak, but so few talk.
this is an abrupt end to this year, and in one way at least it seems like the new year's come already, fresh with new issues. reality and work has yet to hit back since beijing, and so little seems to have been done.. paper and concrete have to be hammered out, but tomorrow i think i'll experience the archetype i hope to if i can. these two years.. or rather this year. has been so much more trying, without the one more lifeline. it's true, even though you want something so, so much, and would give yourself for it, people will conspire and the middlemen don't understand your passion. but i believe they're saying, you've said, he'll get over it. of course i will, of course we will. but only because the only other choice can never be an option, because there are things left to be done, and though i cannot do them, i have to try.
i don't know what's going on with you, because i don't look in a mirror very often. but the water's been a little clearer where i'd been on vacation lately, and i've reflected a little when it calmed down enough so that i had that bit of time to breath. and from now on, i know, though i don't see, at least to some extent. maybe it doesn't work, maybe it doesn't seem right, doesn't fit your archetype, but in the end i think i cannot care so long these things aren't so and you're ok. because i think i'm past searching for archetypes to live out, i want to experience a better one than any ever experienced.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
o holy night •i quite nearly went - and started writing a little while ago. it's a good thing i waited, though. i'd rather not do anything foolish tonight.
yesterday night i would have said, it'd been a good Christmas eve, considering the circumstances. backspace backspace. not being able to do anything about it is still a new concept to me.. and you should be surprised, it's been so long. or it has felt like it.
i just realized that my pen's nib has unblocked.. i thought it had been out of ink, even though i'd so seldom used it. that was not a special occasion.. say it like you believe it. i'm getting disoriented again, give me a minute.. there are just so many feelings falling like stars this season that sometimes i think i'm forgetting what it's all about.
* * *
i'll forget the other things for now. let's talk about what's special.
truth is, i don't know what to say. this is so unlike before. i'm not very experienced, haha. asdkajshf.
i'll be perfectly honest. i suck at waiting. i'm like a drainpipe or something, from when you pull the plug, you know all the hope starts to flow out, slowly but surely, but you never know when the emotional gunk is going to give way and the rate is gonna woosh. i can't believe i'm saying this, haha. it'd been so long, but it's also been very long. this sort of thing is relative. damn, am i giving excuses? can i just say, it's not rational, then. it's a feeling too. i believe it's a commitment, but how do you commit to someone who isn't there?
i'm not going to go into all the speculations i've had. - i can't believe i'm even writing this. i know it could be this and it could be that, it could be that hey, i'm dense, i'm stubborn, i've been taking too long as it is. or it could be the exact opposite. I DON'T KNOW, dammit. gah. how did i even begin talking about this? to justify what's going on inside now? to whom?
i'm going to stop here. this is just one thing. get me agitated, there other things going on that get me into the family's heirloom mood. don't need reminders, mail. how did the good feeling become this? sigh.
it's very simple. i suck at waiting. so i make myself wait. i'll wait a month, i'll wait ten if i still don't believe me. i'm very good at lying to myself, so that's a necessary test, i figure. i've waited myself out before, i could and did make myself give up hope on things that probably could have been. there were always reasons. i'd take any to walk away, just to make sure that i wouldn't commit again until nothing in the damn universe would make me change my mind. not even giving up eternity.
these aren't results, but there isn't supposed to be a switch that's there to be flicked. did i just grow up a little? why can i see a future here?
this has been a year. i don't want to believe me yet, but i can't help it, and it doesn't help that i almost know that the time isn't right yet, not at all. i can't even ask the question.
it's hard to be neutral about this, but for some insane stupid reason you're out there, go ahead and laugh at me, if you can. i would. who would have thought i'd become the tool lying in bed pining on christmas, with this record. you know it, hah. jealous? ashamed, maybe. all this thought and taking up space in my mind and all i've achieved is my near-transformation into a full-fledged woman. when do i get breasts?
yeah. you'd probably never have expected it before this, but here's to wishing maybe you've a clue now. what then? i don't know, haha. yup. i'm nuts on christmas.
so much for the true meaning of Christmas.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
checking my shoelaces standing beside you •when i blog, the words tend to come out pretty odd.. but that's probably 'cause most of the time when i blog, i'm not feeling anything in particular very strongly. if you find yourself lost in the nonsensical rhetoric, that's probably what i'm experiencing too. when i'm done.. whatever i write gives back the feeling i'm experiencing then, so rereading it gives me a taste of what i was feeling then. maybe, hopefully, it does for you too. then you'll notice how confused i'm feeling a lot of the time when i write.
for a while there i was feeling a little calmer.. like there was only one thing to think about. then i started singing, haha. if i could only think of one thing right now.. it wouldn't be the same thing as what had always occupied me this season for the previous years.
that thought ends there. it's not entirely a conscious choice, you don't have to speculate or convince me of anything, cause i'm not saying i've decided that it was one way or another. i've decided that i don't know and it's probably going to leave a scar, but some part of me is moving on and i'm not sure i like it. or don't. maybe it was true, what- whose mother? -said about me. but this wasn't part of any plan. i'm no rayne summers.
there's one paragraph that, out of everyone who will see it, i'm probably the only one who will understand, haha. humor me. but seriously, the whole messy thing is all me. i suck at planning details, if you hadn't noticed. i put folks into jazz. but i'm not going to play around.. i just won't let me see whatever i shouldn't, want what i can't. i can't want anything now. convince me otherwise.
but the whole messy thing really doesn't work for me. for no good reason i believe everything should be felt at it's truest, if at all. there's an archetype for emotions in the city and in desert oases and in north european townships.. so to make yourself feel only happy always.. and only one type of gladness, it's self-deprivation of the complete human experience. it's a sad pampered world-view, but i'm a sad little protected city kid. but that's another story altogether.
i try pretty hard to appear calm sometimes. don't ask me why, but something about my human experience has just made me value this facade more, at this point in my life. and of course a lot of times we don't appear like we think we do. so people change. beliefs change, anyway. but the point is, calm is just something i'm not. a lot of the time when i'm not, i'm a very confused person.. what are people thinking now, feeling now? a lot of questions, conflicting emotions. anger runs deep and strong in my family. we do very well at experiencing and expressing the archetype for anger. so i try to avoid it before those i care about. it's always a struggle, and i'm not a nameless philanthropist. it's not easy.
when i'm glad, the calm comes for a while. usually after that it's a mix of certain, no elaboration. when i'm excited, little else matters. safety of everyone.. it's another thing that's implanted.
hahh, i'm giving myself a headache, thinking clearly. this
i'm sorry, but i can't sing for you this december. please, please, do ask something else..
Friday, December 21, 2007
it's too damn easy to find me. •you know the little red cotton pouch in my inner coat pocket? the jade pendant that replaced my own wouldn't understand where it's going, for all the honor and respect that forged it into it's place on my chest under flowered collars. this wasn't fun at all, and i hadn't even taken it anywhere. would anything like this be worth it? can i even make a judgment call, just on this 不完整的旋律?
almost not a waste of time. you never do know where things will go; it's a quick year ahead and we're not to have a life. you were born ten years too late, do you understand now why a man will dedicate his life to only his work? nothing else responds with an equal passion. i'm not like the people you know, miss. you can only wish.
it seems i've missed a lot. but hey, it was a choice to make, i don't think i regret it. people change.. things are over, i haven't even started researching, if they knew, i would be dead, and i am anyhow. i wonder how it would have been if i hadn't missed the singing, if i hadn't missed the fellowship. put me into the picture, maybe i'd have been a little more melancholy. at least this way i can not think about it.
i'm really not as miserable as i sound, lol. a little downbeat maybe, though not quite because i'd been caught off pulse. more like back into the same sound, a little messier than before. i can make just that wee less sense of it all now that i'm back. like i said, i regret nothing. it was a final trip with my parents, so they'd be happy, noone will ever be allowed to say i'm unfilial. i'd learnt a little about myself, a little about other things. i've made a few friends, and maybe passed up on a few chances for no good reason at all. or maybe with a little cause.
at the moment i'm coughing like a seventeen year old vacuum in reverse, the stay there really made me appreciate the local humidity. it's just my type of weather. i can take the heat, and i can bear with whatever cold, but the dry air is just vocalist hell, i couldn't have sung properly any of the days there i'd reckon. may have spent twenty bucks or more on international messages and calls, but what the heck. on that last night before the flight had a very short talk with the guide from singapore side in between rounds of pool and mocktails and the one grasshopper that got all the kids semi-drunk. interesting how these things chase up to me whereever i go. but maybe whatever anyone heard or said was good for them, i hope so.
i'm not really ready, but i want to get rid of this cough as soon as possible and lock my heart away. there's so much to be done.. there's really no way for me to express how afraid i am for this year, under the circumstances. it may be that that's for the best, anyhow. or maybe it's just going to keep me in this paralyzing limbo.. sigh. but there's no use praying for an answer, is there? this time it's not going to come, it seems.
i can't sleep. sigh. by the way, no, it hasn't really been settled, to me. nothing really has been. didn't it seem very familiar? it did to me. just saying it doesn't work. reassure my soul before i shut it away for thirteen months.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
wefeelfine.org •i'm all out of metaphors. i would say this is very trying, but at the same time i don't quite know what is, so i'd just say, living like this. the grouses of contemporary living are so old they don't even count as cliché anymore, when you experience something and feel a certain way that makes you understand what reality show characters are yammering on and on about. no, it didn't really take the box for students in America and Singapore to realize, it was more like drawing the line after absorbing the media.
* * *
i feel like history really doesn't exist, at this point in time. isn't that interesting. how much of a lie was it? i can't remember, but i really can't believe this shit. shit. what the hell. is this how it ends? read: have problems leaving bad relationships.
i'm ready for nothing now; HIT ME, China. there's just no balance, good things is empty and bad things tips down. unresolved issues are just negative karma, i'm fluttering like a rock in a hurricane, i've said it before and i'll say it again, if there ever was a time i needed.. shit, shut up and get a grip, b******.
this stinks. i wanted to talk about things important to me before i fly off with a 2% chance of lung 'splody and never coming back again, about three people and then some. but i'm just in a spin now, ok. we could look at is as, i've got no initiative, or we could say, i'm fraid 'o the consequences, and it sometimes doesn't seem worth the risk. but the more these things pile up, when i finally snap i'm just going to keep going until something clicks, i think.
goodnight, i'm going home. this world is not my home, i'm just a passing through..
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
you old has-been! *gasp* •there will always come a point in time when everything has already been said, i suppose, if people aren't really into one another's lives so there are always recent happenings to talk about, so we know each other so well a mention of the news can escalate into a two hours discussion about city planning or the weather, with no hard feelings.
the thing about dreaming out loud is that in all likelihood if you're unable to motivate and actually get stuff done you're just a pile of fluff, and nobody can appreciate that. i know what i suck at too. although it's been said many times many ways, i'm gonna not care and just try to do something now. i'm tired of trying to look top down and consider everyone perspective and try to decide what's best, how we can salvage something. maybe it's time i woke up and saw there was never a we..? i can't do this sort of thing.. i'm just a single kid. that has so much more than a dual meaning.
翻开日记, 整理心情my mind is calm but my ball of spirit yarn is all mussed up and trying to untangle it just gets me so AURGH that i have to take my deep breaths and sit down by the pool to meditate again. i figure i'll just do my little and i'm done.. people obviously have other priorities, or something, i'm trying so hard not to step away and go chasing more lively butterflies like psychologists say it's in my brain's hardware to do. i hate to admit that my doubts are THIS big, but they are. in a way it feels like i'd be trying once more just for the sake of it, the more i think about it. i don't want to walk away, and i say that in this sort of self-contradictory way, with the implications of saying "i wish i didn't have to walk away", but considering that i don't actually have to. but the fact remains that these are such awesome people, i've said it since i knew them, and they are, it's just.. stuff.
sigh ok yeah. what else is there. hm yeah basically rotting away, going awfully slowly can you believe i haven't even finished the tys yet? muchos pathetico oi, but it's like i'm breathing wool, the air just hurts, a little much. i haven't started on the IS. KI is suddenly such a guilty pin that it's grown into a full sized steel dirk poking up my gut, every time i think about the mini-IS another pint of blood drains away.. and commitments, designs, plans. i haven't even called huiqi yet. but that's another thing i suppose.. it sort of wasn't that i didn't have the time. i guess i was afraid, of.. stuff.
um. past few days. i keep having architecture books on me that go overdue, it's like post read-8-a-week syndrome, they sit there on my pillow and on the carpet by the white bear that needs a bath, without being read. BE READ, ?*#&@! standard chartered run was ok, weather was awesome, blah blah i really don't have much to say so i just talk about the weather. timing was below expectations, but not by too much so i'm ok. it was just 10km after all. i said i'd train these hols, but i haven't really. full marathon next year will just have to see how.. what with having to delay taking SATs cause of wretched full exam venues, what with our kiasu batch chionging and koping all the places, CT2s clashing with the May exam dates, and coming back from overseas competition right about then. just perfect, eh.
so yeah, next year will be some bomb, but twas expected, i just wonder if it has hit me yet. sometimes you really can't tell these things. sometimes you think it's hit you already, then it hits you again, and you're like whoa? i thought that'd happened already? and it's like, shit i'm getting way more than my share of déjà vu in this lifetime. seriously. i get it far too often for it to be normal. like, as in, compared to the normal amount of déjà vu a person would normally experience over a given time period. is there even such a thing? there must be.
when there's not enough time, it always flies by faster.. stupid murphy. anyway, today jetted down to BPP to get a flu jab 'afore flying off to china next wednesday, went to IMM after that and noteably got a damn nice sport coat at an awesome price from samuel & kevin, that place is so going to become another one of my pet places to get clothes. not that i've many. tomorrow gonna see if i can ugh ugh ugh self-motivational power! and get up and run even though i don't have to go to school, lol been a while since i ran out here, can't stand vehicle exhaust but hey you can't grow a running track on the field by the expressway. i would run at bukit batok's track, but will be er overshadowed, literally? by some NS hardcore training club that has its base there or something, not sure if public's even allowed to use, it's the place that had the office in a broken down shed to sign up for the standard chartered run.
oh then after that there's Archifest @ City Hall, gotta check when they open. and some other art exhibit there. then meeting yongfeng and wenyi at harbourfront to (finally) check out the swedish architecture school/firm(not sure which) thing going on at the atrium there. maybe have starbucks again, bizzarely nice to sit down and drink and talk about nothing, lol. then off to NUS for lecture by some architect dude/dudette. oh what fun, architecture day. oh and perhaps do a little shopping on the way. still haven't got that black buttonup. i have half a mind to just use the military shirt i have, lol. what am i supposed to do with a plain black long-sleeved collared shirt when i'm not performing?
guitar has been growing dusty in the corner, so much for appealing to that unreasonable senseless fetish girls these days have for classical/acoustic guitar-wielding blokes. on a more personal level it just sorta bugs me extremely such that bug is no longer strong enough a word to use that people can actually have these sorts of things on their list of desired attributes. well hey, i hope whoever she is is damn sexy and sings up a storm and is some sweet fashion designer who isn't the typical bimbo fashion junkie, but i don't write these stuff on my santa's list of babes. whatever. i don't need to know these things about your dumbass shallow fantasies. especially not when you're hitting on me
going overboard there. no i'm not really tired.. hungry maybe. been trying to sleep early. yeah, would it been extremely dumb to say don't bother reading the small print? i guess so. people always assume stuff is reverse psychology nowadays, plus they go, hey, why'd you put it there if you didn't want people to read it? venting, stupid. don't read it.