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the continuous chain
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
•every once in a while, after a busy period or something, memories "suddenly" come flooding back.
listening to old music again, 小时候.. speaking too much cantonese when i can't. so stupid. zoning out.. just recovered my voice and got back to my old self.. it seems like it's been quite long. nv really chatted, online or sms or anything. i remember some places, and some people.
post concert. such a failure.. looking at weisong and others. really just feel.. helpless and useless. those two words describe feelings so often now. more concerts coming up - choralfest, the 6th of july concert. again? still helpless.
it's not so much that the music sucks that bad. it's the feeling that comes after that. argh.. i must not be doing something right. i dunno.
endgames. june hols.. schedule full. fulfilment? choralfest, concert preps, church gatherings, class CIP, old class reunions? project deadlines, overdue homework, clashing training, sickness.
sell everything and move on. people who i have to meet again before it ends.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
emotions flowing by, my own being flayed
amidst the music, and inable to sing
silence abide, spiteful looks drawing
late lonely night, recordings replayed
poked a boo, i saw you
jo gr and a prosperous few
a familiar face. unwelcome reminiscence
system goes away; past emotions seek vengence
look away-nothing will come of it
homeward bound amidst company
discussing kinder things (because)despite relativity
push pain aside
let blindness guide
no heart survives in a world
turns stone hearts of men
further from the pen
makes wise men cry
the ignorant die
children seek and
out from behind their shelter
no fender will prevail
er' spirit against, yet wail
no man will ever tell
of their misery
back in the midst of chatting friends
with the present world were made: no amends
the tearing truth
i can't avoid
the bond, everexisting?
is since destroyed
we shared a glance from passing face(s)
yet wordless depart to thinking places
who why, where when
our heartmindsoul crushes
everything and nothing spoken
nought and every identity
for everlasting ages
Monday, May 22, 2006
•i'm not entirely sure, but i think i'm beginning to understand.
it's knowledge. knowledge is what troubles us. if we never knew these things, we wouldn't be so concerned with all of these worldly things.. all of them. if we never knew. it was part of the big plan i started to draw up for a world.. a world like ours. haha..
it's knowledge and love. antangonistic, yet keeping one another in balance. those who love are satisfied, those who know desire. those who love are at peace, those with knowledge seek to destroy and gain.
and those who can have knowledge and love must have the duty of mantaining the balance. knowledge tortures, and love makes one regret.. but these must be a balancing factor..
it's complicated.. i gotta think it out. it came to me yesterday night.. for is not knowledge our downfall, literally speaking? right out of the fruit of knowledge of good and evil?
i don't know, really. in the end, what's the point of knowing these things. i can't change anything. nothing exists. there is no balance.
will our knowledge vanish completely? relieved of this burden, what will become of us? will we be completely ignorant?
because, knowing now, i don't want to live that sort of life in the future. yet it's not for me to control.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Summer and Fall
sick. hhaha.. it's a funny tale. friday missed choir for choralfest, with geof, weiren, julian, linan and chris. weiren had chauffeur, chris had a pilot, while julian disappeared mysteriously. linan crossed over to take a bus, and geof and me decided to walk down to the next bus stop. reach already, bus still not there. so walk another. then another. while going to the third, 67 zoom pass us(metaphorically.. lol), so we say, aiyah, just walk summore.
repeat like, 7 or 8 or 9 bus stops. along the way found 7eleven, so bought frozen elango(cornetto), and more or less walked all the way from CCAB to err, somewhere after Hwa Chong i think. by then wasted dunno how much time liaoz, lol.. really. choralfest finished @ 5.30, we more or less got home at 7.30 i think. or 8 0.o
before that already coughing bah.. budden dowan see doc, inthe end khoo not in on saturday, so went to see some other lady doc. dun trust her..*shifty eyes* she say nt serious as bronchitis yet, nv give antibiotics. huhh. well.. doesn't seem to be getting better, but it may just be me. see how lah.. but hate this kind of crap. why i singer, then me airways keep kena-ing?!
holidays is bunches again, with choralfest, dates all confirmed, choir, not. choir prac 9 to 1 on 9th.. haiz.. clash with youth camp. but dun care lah.. i think can arrange somehow. wait till closer.. toh isn't there so i'm not too worried.. but if i'm needed, stilll will make it down one lah.. graduating soon, haha.. better do my part while i can..
and sooo.. missing two sundays of church in a row. huhh. conbined concert next week. it's going to sound really shitty. people just not taking it as a really important thing lah.. just an "on the way" concert before our own choir concert.. that's why everything is so shitted up. meh. dunno lah.. but there'll be auditions for choir concert, no doubt about tt.. work hard ah guys..
... i almost forgot. four loves. hAha.. that song's got some sort of a special meaning to me.. lol.. i'm been more or less obsessed with this series for a while, which is quite something. never been really addicted to Tv or anything, and whooo, now i'm on youtube dling movies. cool. haha.. but if you get the idea behind the series, it's something quite deep actually.. four seasons, four loves.. it's the thing that was, how you say, the final straw that made me really frustrated with the world system now.. and made me start thinking about those tribalism and world order things..
but i guess the world is just what it is. and the world that will be will be just how it will be. it's just.. frustrating, that there's nothing i can do to determine it's course, to shape certain things. haha.. big talk for little man, but i dunno why i feel this way. people have dreamt up such wonderful worlds and societies.. so why can't we make them happen? cause of human flaws? will there ever be a time when we don't have these flaws? and when the time comes, will any of these dreams come true? will all of them? how? too many questions.. just ends up making one feel utterly useless and helpless..
i guess in the end there's nothing to do but wait and trust. in the end that's all it can come down too.. feel really helpless. i can't help to shape the kind of world people dream of, and it's just, hard to bring those whom one loves to that which awaits us. the assurance we have is that it is good. but questions just spring up.. questions about this, questions about that.. haiz.. it's hard to just don't think about it. questions that one isn't supposed to ask.. what awaits us, really?
troubled nites, restless hours.. work to be done that just isn't, plans that can't be made becasue of sheer uncertainty, duties thrust upon me.. i'm tired.
a man needs his rest.
but i can't.
Monday, May 15, 2006
•my mind's in a twist, because of fiction, and of how i dream, how i wish that the world had been that way. because it could have been that way. because so many things. things that aren't and cannot be. and can never be.
what will it be, till the end of time? nothing like my wildest dreams.
nothing like them.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
okae. so what's happened since seventh. hmm.
slacked the weekend after CTs.. i shall regret it all my life. or at least until i forget about it. saw me trying to finish thinkquest in 30 straight hours.. and i got that close. but with an hour left i gave up.. no way i would have finished. went to sleep at 3 am, then slept through bio the next day. was enough.
next morning(ytd), went to woonster's place to try to arrange/transcript 我们的故事 by Tension for ensemble, or for geofkwokfried or something. dun think we're pro enuff to do it, like geof said.. we just haven't sang together properly before, not to mention for long enough. we're not familiar with each others voices, and we're not pro enuff bah.. esp ensemble. anw it's for 5 ppl. so we can't do it alone. unless there are 2 more ppl?
i'm mainly here cause stupid woon decided to tag some crap. not so sure i want to do tt thing.. lol.. kick u ah woon. wait first. hahaha.. later then do.
well. weekend is here, will be gone dang fast. got last minute hw to finish up, though not that much yet. expecting teachers to give it all last minute, as its name implies.. then to recieve the holiday hw.. doom and disaster.
Choralfest all hols, plus hardcode training via our dear ban sheng mostly after 2nd week of june, i think.. but of course before that there's vocal training camp. hm. or is it during. date's not confirmed yet i think.. or i forgot. and shld prob start thinking about year end stuff.. our boxing day bbq, plus if possible another campout.. hahaha.. see how bah..
the point is, RV just doesn't have that passion. maybe u don't need it, but i saw what it can do, i think.. RJchorale,cld really see during their concert that each one is dedicated to the music. well, a greater percentage than RV anyway, lol.. and i get the feeling the only reason why toh isn't as strict with us as he is with chosing RJchorale members is cause there just aren't enuff people who are willing to be that dedicated to the music. i'm not even sure myself whether i would be willing. that why i haven't decided if RJchorale's my route.. haiz. see how.. weibong & co.. maybe see u all next year.. lol..
ahh.. see how.. time flies.. no space even to think about what to do with time, how to use it properly.. it just gets used up. see ya'll..
Sunday, May 07, 2006
•today was weird. firstly woke up duper late, then met xinyi in stealth mode in church.. lol.. stupids' brains are all in a twist.. it's like all those literature books where oscar wilde makes makes fun of society blah blah when he's a pretty screwy guy himself. oh well. when all fails, ignore..
... i think i'm screwed bah. it's 7th may. i've got till 9th to finish thinkquest? 48 hours? better still, there's supposed to be choir tmr. until 6pm. wth. stupid crap. lousy timing lah.. and sing some stupid its a small world crap. haiz. whatever lah.. work at night? quiet difficult to time.. ahh. kuro help me lah.
yinC friday night.. was good. haahh. i need to widen my vocabulary. but seriously. there's just this thing about avoidance.. since we don't feel anyone's actively challenging our faith, we just follow blindly. Dan Brown's appearance may be good, or it may be bad.. it's just based on how you see it. how you view the possibilities of how things can turn out. anyways.. it's helped me focus, that i'll say.. it' a long paper that i'm going to have to write. writing.. it's something to help me think. the process of putting all down into words on a screen or paper just facilitates the thought flow somehow. haahh. well.
write to think.. that's why i write here nowadays, most of the time. and lately, and today.. made me think about lives. each person's life, flowing across the space of time. who can see what we see? who can understand what we are thinking? perfectly? maybe it's possible for such people to exist.. but not that i know of. this society.. it doesn't allow for transparency. it's a good thing, in some ways.
people have a lot to hide.. but people also have things that aren't ready to be revealed. or that simply shouldn't be revealed, except to just the right person, or people.. but so often they don't come along. maybe we are those people. maybe we are the ones who should go and draw closer to those who we care about. caring about people. isn't that what is called love? why can't people love, then? don't we care about anyone, anymore?
people judge unconsciously. it's just something that needs to happen. but what i'm thinking about is.. how we can't say what we're thinking about people. when i think of someone special, someone whom i'm not so close to, or anymore, i start thinking about the things that could happen if only we let it, or could. i start thinking about the other people whom i'm reminded of by this person, the similarities, and even more, the differences.. i don't wonder anymore what it would be like if they should meet, but i start wondering about why we can't be that way.. in harmony with our environment, with each other. it's because other things tie us, down, work, struggle for life, desire to learn. we all need personal time. but that shouldn't mean that we're strangers. and it would seem that we are. except, we're not. not exactly. you know me, and i know you. we just don't really know who each other is. and we aren't as one.
to avoid going into a paper.. i have to change the subject. i'm disappointed. the chinese have forgotten their culture. they've smeared it, then tossed it aside. even mainland. no, especially mainland. the stories i hear from nationals coming to singapore, and the testimonies that others bear from china to here, i'm disappointed. the chinese.. we're become calculative, impeccably so. the drive for money.. it's driving the chinese mad. and money, of all things. sure, all is vainity, but why this. and so utterly, so completely. haiz.. the children shall adopt another culture. a true asian culture. not this. not if i can help it.
... i really should be doing thinkquest, but my mind is blank since i decided not to use what inspiration gave me. i don't know what to do. a little while more, and i can break down and just rot and die and not submit anything. i don't know what to do.. too many things. the end is supposed to be coming. i'm supposed to be able to do all those things after this. i had everything planned out, including how to finish this. but it's the second? third? fourth? fifth? time that plans abandan me absolutely. from Plan A to Z, to 1 to ∞, from α to Ω. i have to think of other things.
why do i feel weird when i hear about other people? others in your life. unnatural is when there are none. but it's crap to my.. whatever's screwing with my insides.
it's the ending now. i gotta work doubly hard. the better times are supposed to be coming after this, and then is when i'm supposed to work even harder. because i'll want to. the thing that one looks for in people.. how do you speak of them? i don't know how. vanity.. all is vanity.
no, jeremiah's gone for good, but one starts to wonder why. is it, too, because of avoidance? how can my heart not pressurize me?
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
•pheww.. main worries over. left 3 papers..
since it's such a talking issue, it's taking away all the space in my morning papers and it's given me a day off school next week, quote some opposition guy i just saw on tv. lol.. "some opposition guy".. sorry, i not like politics. methinks it all bullshit. what's impt is that the local situation keeps improving, in all ways.. doesn't matter how you do it, as toh says. just get it done. nobody cares how u do it.
"there are 61,000(or some number like that)unemployed in Singapore!!!@~11"
duhh, those are like, students, the sick, those who are technically unemployed but are really working in some way or another(homemakers and self-employed?)
now for thinkquest! lol.. haven't even started last-minuting physics, and it's ten thirty.
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
•五月天's 牙关 is my new fave. just.... emobidies all the feelings? just blast it all out.. meh!$# i wanna do it. don't think i can make it though.. gotta try. keep training..
3 down, five to do. math tmr.. what am i doing online?! pah. whatever. next mon is lit midyears, tues is interclass soccer where i shall once again get out and go yishun to shoot pool until we are "dismissed", go back and take attendance, then get lost.. wed is hols for election day. and incidentally the deadline for thinkquest. die die die die die.
-friedtunes- 拥抱 - 五月天
Monday, May 01, 2006
•oh, and i'm looking for something special. just another little project of mine, amidst my boredom of everyday life..
i'm looking for two pieces of similiarly hard stone. not too small.. one the purest white and the other the deepest black. think you could manage?
•yesterday was fun. haahh.. didn't intend to stay so long, really.. but wth. guys in their right minds don't go out and randomize. it was fun. so it wasn't really -`?3#xg ytd, but wth. if only people were all like that, not all dead and boring and keep to themselves. i keep telling myself it's just the people i know. so i tell myself, go get to know more people. like these people. yeah.
1st may, marks my doom. 9 short days till the final deadline.. i have nothing concrete to show, other than photographs? i still need to do sentosa, wt-. i'm sure go down this week, it's all exams. howhow. to top it off, math is on wed, not thursday. =.=" okae. i'm really screwed.
on the flip side, yay! just nine more days and i'm home free. can screw around, i'll be finished with this stupid RE. i just hope the RI tradition of producing astonishing results in the absolutely last minute holds true this time, cause if it doesn't, i'm good and dead.
anyway, try nt to think about it.. lol.. yeah right, dun think then die.. aiyahh.. trying to find a nice song for RVE to do next, and also rearrange some nice pieces to simpler, raw-er styles for the three of us to do.. hmm.. details think about it after 9th may bah, but for now i've got only half a million songs i want to do already.. lol.. see which ones are suitable for our voices loh..
arghh. rly shouldn't be thinking about these stuff. meh.
kae lah. i'm trying hard to be who i want to be, far away as it may seem.. maybe i can't say i'm trying my hardest, because for that, i'd need friends and enemies, rivals and competition, companions and encouragement.. but i'm still trying. somewhat foolishly, always hopefully. i just hope i don't take too long.. or it may be too late
as a side note, there's something pretty wierd going on. how is it that girls can go around gushing about some random famous guy, and carry/post half-nekkid pics all over their blogs and such, and there are only female-rights avocates? do you know what happens to guys who do stuff like this, except gender-inversely?!