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Wednesday, October 31, 2007
it's been a hard day's night •
it's raining super heavy right now, the sort that suddenly slamms the roofs just above me then slowly lightens, with that pitterpatter and random growls of lightning, then just when it's stopping WHAM, once again. it's about the sixth round now. i like.
is be a nice song. beatles ftw, hahaha. robert allen zimmerman and all that. yeah, i don't really have anything to say. public angsting never gave any kick, lol, though confusing people with cryptic stuff that meant nine things at once did for a while. but is be boring.
i need to do stuff this hols, or i swear i'm just gonna stress out and either fossilize or just do studies and uni related stuff all hols. inspersed with pool. and frisbee and squash if anyone will play with me. which isn't too likely. sigh. not going to complain.
i need to compile a portfolio. gah. i'm walking away. that's MY line. no touchy.
not 'less you have privileges. which you don't. nyeh. yes feeling irritated and acting stupidly. go away, i don't want any balloons.
when i get back to who? nobody lah. seriously.
Friday, October 26, 2007
ashes, ashes •today for a period of time was really ready to go rawrBOOMbishwheesplat, tried to calm the nerves and turn to Him, but i just suck too much. i'm just too disappointing. somewhere along the way, i think it was the little things and the people around that took the edge off, somewhat.. or maybe it was time and complacency. i'd like to this it was the former.. sigh
so thank God for 6S.
we all fall down
my fair lady •we're all falling sick together, i comment dryly: take care. how many people out there are complaining that it isn't fair? how do you enclose a space and give it the most efficient natural ventilation, make full use of natural light and minimize power consumption by temperature control in a tropical climate? is it possible to reconcile é Confucian relationship-centered model of civil society with contemporary political philosophy? shut up, i've got questions too.
sipping tea and antioxidants is bad for your health if
Monday, October 22, 2007
passionfruit icecream •The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy) is stuck in my head, seriously. not the whole song, the base tune that loops.. it's super catchy, there must be only half a million ways to improvise to it, hahha.
beach was good on saturday, my forehand is improving(i think) so woohoo. a lot of things i could say, but i think i won't.. there's really nothing to talk about. not even as friends, haha. quite sad. it's a character flaw, but i'm bored. boring boring boring. boring girls and boys, boring beach boring city. ok, not so, is actually nice to lie there, but then joseph and royce start doing weird stuff to geoffrey, and there are people all around with dogs and little kids, and i'm just floating like, away with the frisbee.. what am i doing here. i need to study, i need to write, and sing and learn. i need more fun and more talking..
i have issues too. screw it,but i just have problems telling people that i can't do stuff. i promise people things when the stupidly optimistic side of me thinks i can pull it off, and then when i can't make it i don't know how to tell, and that just makes it so much worse,i know i know. gah. how? counselling.
but yeah, i'm just about done dreaming about every single thing under the sun i want to do, now i want to go do them. then blah constraints friends school time work money too stupid to learn. sigh.. basically i just wish for people with passion for life. or person. i know noone can keep lively run around up, i know i can't, lol but that's not what i mean. there's just that perfect living as students as islanders as asians as young people and Christians! things that we should be doing, life that we should be living, it's all there within reach, but but then it's all mehblehblahmmblphht.
yes fine it is PARTIALLY because tomorrow be results day, and i know that i'm really not meant to be here, academic-wise. nobody can say that i'm actually smart and it's just that i'm not hardworking anymore. just take it as it is, i'm no good at the sort of thing we have here. so the RP gave a horrible burden now, but in the long run if God wills it could be such a blessing. the label of raffles. ah well. the world.
i want to SIT down and talk about anything and everything under the sun. be it all afternoon with coffee somewhere busy in the city with people shooming by or after a long day under the sun at a nice quiet place airconditioned and icecream and cocoa and soft sofas and dim lights by the water or drinks and jazz by the fake river. i just want to do stuff with people, that matters.
.. i talk too much.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
•you assume far too much.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
can't you see all that stuff's a sideshow? •
i'm not ready, but it's alright. the question is, why is everyone in such a hurry to be happy..?
we all grew up, but the someone who used to be so special to me so long ago left me with this, and i haven't forgotten. i don't do this often.. and there's so much more to this than just the beginning, but ecclesiastes 3:1's brought me back before, and now i've been brought to it again. the lyrics went, to ev'ry thing, there is a season.. to ev'ry thing, there is a time.. for ev'ry purpose under heaven.. there is a time,a proper time..
this has really been a major down. things this year that others(if they had known about it) might have been more to me.. well. maybe i was just more prepared for them, in some sense, even though i might have been unable to accept that. the thing that i'm thinking about, anyway, haha. but i'd really tried really, really hard to lock that door and just sit down and blast it out, cause i really don't want to do anything to make it worse than it is.
this is just something that, thinking about won't help, so even as i try to pick up the ball again, i'm all about moving on and away, so help me. this was my last chance, as i see it, and i'll admit it, i'm not going to be able to just sit down and cry for you. i need to go elsewhere, i really can't be fooled by these illusions anymore, even if i wanted to be.. sigh. now more than ever i need
why is everyone in such a hurry to be happy? everyone's just blaming the whole instant gratification generation thing for every other problem we have as people.. so ok, it's true i guess. technology, pop culture, etcetera.. but it's something that's been a problem. it really hits me how this works for both situations, and others too. most people are just so ready to just sweep everything aside and not settle it properly, just get high and be happy all the time for no real reason, just because.. it's good..? perhaps.. but if you can take this as i mean it and not as you may interpret it, if you're old enough, this sort of thing just can't last..
when we get right down to it, every thing has a reason, and when we cannot grasp it we still feel it and that's where faith and trust come in.. but how do these come into play when there are no grounds for it..? i'm losing faith, how can people be so shallow, so blatantly? it's clichéd, but still. that's another thing, actually. to tell the truth i never liked what i was doing, cause really i never saw anything in this, except the possibility of hurting more people, but i just, stopped thinking and did it, cause i needed.. something? i know i make no sense in doing that, and especially in bringing this up when i'm trying to make a point, but yeah. there's a reason there too, as to why, but i'm not going to say it here.
on that note, yeah, i guess i'm tired of being that person. i'm really not always being emo, this is just me. get used to it, when i write i'm serious =)
so this saturday's going to be hard, and sunday, and monday, and the following saturday, but i really don't know what will happen, hmm. the truth of the matter is, i don't have a very long attention span unless something really catches me about the something or someone, whatever or whoever we're talking about. but when it's like everything i do doesn't matter a la bohemian, it really hurts, even though i hate it when things are over, and so much is left undone. what's to be done? haha. oh well. i pray i'll always have a refuge.
a time to cast away !
to bring together..
a time to be embraced,
to be alone..
to find! and lose, to keep, and give..
there is a time, there is a time..
your ways are mightier.
Monday, October 15, 2007
really really really. •
i have to say, sunday was great, today was great. i'm comforted that maybe perhaps to some extent we're in this together, but i'm afraid for so many other things.. and there's this whole thing we're pushing for, little time and too many sounds. i see too many parallels, i can't keep up with the thoughts and referencing that tell me how to do the right thing from what i've experienced.. and all the while i'm reminded of this damn thing that's totally screwed my faith in myself, in the way i do things. why am i so bloody gullible? i can bluff myself any day of the week.
maybe i should, but i don't feel completely comfortable with any of these things. it affects things, even though i can't say that when i feel right,things turn out okay anymore. i'm just afraid that something will mess up and that'll be it for good, and then i'm afraid that this was all a mistake, and we're not ready to do this together, or we're the right people at the wrong places. i'm too worried about screwing up all of a sudden, but you can hardly blame me, these things build up, i go up and down and when was the last time i fell into this rut? oh yeah.
i DON'T want to think about this whole mess, really. i wanted to leave it behind me, but there's something still there, and maybe it's not about the people. i hope it's not about the people, because that's what i'm supposed to be leaving behind, really. really, i don't like feeling this way. i'm a new person, sure, and it's good for me, maybe it's one of the changes you talked about. but really, even thought i go PAH when people go on about the past and last time and don't spend enough time doing things about now, i miss that, really. i'm tired again, there's no need for explanations. i won't say it here, all the things, but really, really, really. i'd actually be content to just go back and loop.
and i know you'll laugh at me, hahhaha. maybe i can find help. if only people talked.. i don't talk. i make stupid noises, excuses, only certain people certain things certain times, only one for all. i'll keep moving, hopefully if all this crumbles on down i'll still have strength to get up. i want to talk to someone, but she's just a memory now and we all know memories are mostly made up from dreams. Déjà vu. but i'll try.. i hope. after all this time.
but yeah, amos. you're right. disillusioned. my eyes been opened to a lot of things suddenly, and i'm quite afraid. all this has been because people don't talk.. will i, now? will i keep my word.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
how much will you take? •(from us)
after a year and all it's nonsense, days of falling asleep sprawled on the carpet or in the corner next to my guitar and the stuffed toy from my angel, finally i got to get into bed and curl up and go to sleep properly after a shower, an hour into the night.
not after beating myself sore and collapsing exhausted, not after scheming and planning and dreaming while awake and getting about excited about doing things with people, unable to fall asleep for all the adrenaline, not after sitting on the ledge behind the curtain unable to turn in, thinking about troubles now, or worrying about things that i must do, or remembering the past.
not drenched in soaked jeans from running home in the rain with my jacket bundled under my shirt in hopes that i wouldn't have to wash it again, not salty and burnt and tired out from laughing too much. not with damp trousers and a newly filled sketchbook and leaves and grass and bark stuck to my bag.
NOT with a funny voice from hours on end of singing in that way that makes my voice go w0nK, not touched and uplifted from a heart to heart talk, not content from an evening with people and ice cream, a shady table in the corner and warm lights, not after sending anyone home at eleven forty five.
how much do you figure you know, how much do you think you understand? don't take for granted that i forgive so i forget, it's not always something that i do willingly. i wondered what had become of me, i felt like i was hurt but what's with that? if you don't give a damn you'll never feel the stab, eh. they say only the ones you love hurt you, what what. cheers and love then, maybe i've hurt you too.
Sunday, October 07, 2007
settling down •
finally slept in today, but ended waking up just before eight out of habit, but it was good.. cause fell asleep at ten plus, as i could tell from the unreplied message on my phone in my hand when i woke up, hahha..
open house was good. meant something that he commented, really, but it did feel quite good, especially the first time round when we weren't that tired.we went a little out at times, and rushed a little, but overall i think people really had fun on stage, which is really a good thing =) you know it means something when i'm not being critical, hahh! it wasn't a competition, so of course we were sort of more relaxed, but we can do it from now till then =) yay optimism, lol.
as a group we grow a little. now i see toh and i'm reminded of pastor davy somehow. it's like.. seeing how we can grow closer as a group, wish he'd be closer and more involved with individuals too. it's the same in church, but that's another story, hahha. this isn't an empty stage.. but it was for him. this isn't the way we should be treating our teachers..
and as for the music, i can envision things and ways of doing it, but it's really hard.. difficult to think of the right way to do things, so they don't go horribly wrong. then there's the saying, 100% of punches that are not thrown miss. we could race, guys and girls to experiment with pure male and pure female voices and see where we go, hahaha =D but want us as a choir to be more involved in the school, events like this open house, we could have played a much bigger role, picked up some repertoire suitable for such stuff. we're people! the most mobile instruments there are, we could have done so much. bring voices back to the fore of music.. what do you guys think? talk to me..
working with other folks has taught me too. at this point a lot of people are just fixed and unwilling to accept changes.. we may seem like quite a pai don't care batch but i get the feeling it's cause people've already made their close friends and have mostly closed doors to others.. it's that cool calm professionalism, or discomfort with themselves however well hidden, or just plain weirdness. appearances matter to some extent though, and we know it, so there's always the need to fit into a group. but we knew that already. never mind..
anyway! now a lot of stuff coming up. today in the afternoon suddenly remembered how much shopping i had wanted to do, but lazy to go out today, so probably this coming week, after PW-OP dry run is out of the way. also see it we can finish this song with the boys, hahhha, maybe we can actually do something. if everyone's ready to quit being boring and sleepy, we can finally see some action around this joint =)
gotta do load of things i'd planned too.. work work work.. design class tee, KI shirt? hahaha.. chorale jacket and file.. shall i find a friend to tailor design for a traveling outfit? hahhaha, exciting. all for fun.. would you all want one? lol. guitar.. i wanna try going electric too, after talking to an old.. friend. need to plan class CIP project, need to study for chinese AO levels, want to go out with 08S06S, with arnold and geof, with chorale, with churchies, with some friends.. that reminds me.. sigh. i want to pay someone a visit.
about what i had said too. now in the middle of the stress of promos and getting back results + AOs, a little release from all the rush and hype, calm down a little and i do feel it, haha. then i think too much, then i start finding things to distract myself =) well, that's life.
time to come to terms with things, time to settle down. i do want to settle down, i have wanted to, but then you didn't notice, and now all of you are so mysterious, i don't know what any of your looks mean. nothing, perhaps. i'll just continue the path i'm walking.. and do whatever i decide to. i want an awesome hi-fi setup for my room, i want to move closer to the city, i want us to make more music, more music, more fun and love. i want to settle down into it.
break the tradition, un-emo-fy this season? perhaps.. i forget so many things, things i'd felt, things i've said, things i thought, but some things, a guy doesn't forget just like that.
but that said, i'm happy with where we're walking towards, i think. =)
Friday, October 05, 2007
go ahead, i won't avert my eyes. •
i probably do this too much, but misrepresenting david, it's amusing to see your reactions, hahhaha.
past few days have been major headache.. even after exams still so busy, argh. haven't managed to sleep in for a single day, still up at 5.30 every morning, gah. then there's OP to prepare for once open house is over.. we are so going sentosa next saturday. if we're not i'm going anyway.
besides open house stuff and chorale, which actually has been quite good so far, i think i think, been doing random stuff too.. playing and experimenting with drawing and coloring with tablet, haha, interesting. but i'm noob at photoshop, shading also cannot get it right, lol. nevermind, i'm a work in progress, hehh.
also invented numerous things, such as frisboccer, where you ram soccer ball and pass frisbee across entire amphi, hahhaha, qihan had a role in inventing too, lol. oh and made pizza cookie(basically what is says, a cookie as big as a pizza, lol) for arnold's birthday, hahhaha. k lah, i admit it, the amos thing is getting old, too bad it's the most fun thing to do, better than beeleng and liansee, HAH ! but still, 好兄弟就是好兄弟, it's something to treasure, hahh.
the year really had passed so fast, thinking about it. i don't wanna be j2 -.- seventeen is THE age to be, and graduating.. i'm really going to miss being able to don a school uniform and mess around, hahha. it almost makes it all worthwhile, cause of all the implications. it draws people together in it's own way, let's just leave it at that, hahha.
hm ok yeah, so basically haven't been doing much studying since promos, really had no time.. or no mood xP but i will, quite soon actually, once OP is more or less out of the way, in terms of preparation. a few other things i need to do fast so i can concentrate on that too, write mini-IS, start gathering material for the actual IS proposal, design various apparel for classes, arrange a few songs. on that note i really hope the choir can do something more than toh repertoire, and there are numerous thoughts there, but the bottom line is oh well, if the people don't want to there's nothing there.
about that, i think it's just a phase, so relax, hahha. it's not such a bad one, i guess, cause i was having fun, so to speak, but now i'm starting to get irritated with myself, so we'll just have to wait and see. people don't change that much that quickly, after all, so there's no point to it in the end. but still, things have made a little turn for the better, i think i think and i know i hope. but overall it's been quite ok, and well older guys are always telling me enjoy your freedom now. i know they're teasing, but hahhaha, it's been quite ok actually. freedom does have its merits. it's just interesting how now i'm flying solo and beeleng and amos.. hahh!
ok that's it. hm yeah, i'm here so early cause i woke up late, zz, so decided to go myself later rather than kill myself by rushing and catching a lift from my dad and ending up in school at seven tired-er with nothing to do till 9.45. oh well. hope all goes well today! up and up and away -
Monday, October 01, 2007
grow a house co. •
it's finally over! not to say that it's going to be much of a break, but at least some stress is off my neck.. began to clear up the masses of papers strewn over the floor on the carpet, but there's sooo much, i'm only half done sorting through them.. and the vacuum's out of clean filters -.- genius. tomorrow go buy after coming back from school.
but i get to do little stuff at least, haha, somewhat a break. talked to matthias! cripes it's been forever lah, zz. australia is seriously koping a lot of friends and would-be close friends, if it goes and does it to just ONE MORE person, i'm going to have a peaceful protest or something, lol.
talked to ms tan too, haven't heard from her in ages either. guess some things don't really change much, haha.. it's comforting in a weird way. and if you can draw the link, of late people whom i warn that they had better invite me to their wedding keep giving the excuse that they don't want young boy like me to spend so much money on angpow. haahh! don't worry, i can settle that in my way, hahahaha xD
a little time to do other things too. little mindmap thing will be done later, hm ruth, haha. send you a copy. spacewolfone concept to be developed, i was trying to get out the main design, but the expression and tilt wasn't right, and i'm bushed, really.. weekend and this morning pia-ing art. so i just turned it into what you see above. i'll draw the actual design when i've got more energy.. it's a cool concept, i just need to be able to materialize it ><
yeah, actually i'm not so much tired-need-sleep as tired-no-energy-to-move, somehow. there seems to be a subtle difference, even though the lack of energy is really a result of being deprived of sleep in my case. oh well. whatever, lol.
yeah, i er, mess around a while then off to bed with me, haha. tomorrow could be much fun, hahhahaha =]