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the continuous chain
Monday, April 28, 2008
it must be tropical fever •your ways are mighter, mightier than my ways
oh, your thoughts are higher than my thoughts
who shall not fear you, who shall not fear you, oh Lord? and glorify Your name?
for here i am, humbled by your Majesty
it may be a large thing to claim in the eyes of some, but i'm decidedly disturbed by some small similarities between me and mr lee. so maybe it's true that people straightaways tend to not like people who are like unto them; and it may be that i've much i can learn from him. how unwholesomely unnatural, haha.
don't be afraid to wear a dress
when you're looking for the monster in Loch Ness
it's a hard time now, though maybe not much more so than recently. and well, less than in times past but not so long ago anyway. got loads of things to do.. big talk, and a lot to live up to. i hope i'm up to these tasks, Lord..
anyway, i don't understand what's going on, it's like some people have all decided to ignore me simultaneously. i'm quite confused, but in the light of past experiences i don't think i dare to care too much yet, unless there's some hint however small that it'll not bring more pain. i'm finding shallow comfort in acquaintances and growth there, i'm trying to be more independant. i'll not forget the world, though.
oh, and i really should bring more food for practices. i just wolfed down the packed lunch on saturday in a few mouthfuls, was so hungry. hm but i can't think of anything that would be cool to prepare and won't spoil after a whole morning. or maybe it doesn't have to last the whole morning. hmmm.
the pebbles you've arranged
in the sand they're strange
They speak to me like constellations-
Sunday, April 27, 2008
snow in a bottle •
a dose of reality is, trying to be independent. and living like you are instead of just talking. from now till december -
take the SATs, have a good concert, have a good trip, write a good paper for my Independent Study. study super hard. make a good portfolio for interviews and mailing. do well for prelims, do well for As. sort out college admissions, whatever i can now before it's too late..
improve my vocal technique. learn a language, get involved in more large-scale design/enrivonment-related events(like singapore garden festival coming up), try to get involved in a firm. draw more, write more,
i can't decide! i used to think that i have already, but i haven't really. what i should do with my future, what i should do with now; whether i want to be serious or not, what to admit and what to forget, what to do when people call my bluff. what to do with the past.
i want to ask if the four of us are interested in going to learn golf together, i want for chorale to go up to malaysia after the As to celebrate the end of something that's been beautiful at times but was never meant to be any more no matter how much anyone wished it. i want to give up wanting to talk to people, to these individuals, as if they are individuals; who am i to want? i want to talk with fiona again. i want to empty my life then fill it up again starting with Him, i want to end what needs ending, and settle whatever can't be ended into a continuous, meaningful dialogue with life.
i don't know if i want more in my life again, in the old way, but i know that i want more in my life. hard as it sounds, at least then when everything fails and everyone else has other things anyway, i'll have something better to do than going out to the old place or some other in the botanics, gawking at awesome architecture and words in books, and writing rubbish poetry/prose and making rubbish designs. and i don't mean going out with an oversized group of people of whom i don't know the half to talk about nothing and go nowhere.
life is empty when everyone's gone and you've become too emotionally drained to feel anything about the past anymore.
Even though I'll never need her,
Thursday, April 24, 2008
tell him how you feel, tell him what you thinki'm sorry for how things stand between us as of now. it's like our relationship has held strong through silence and distance and reduced time spent together; it's not supposed to be that way! i'm supposed to spend all the time, the words and heart. but belief is a coherent structure, even if it isn't drawn out on a sheet of paper in my back pocket. why can't i just be disillusioned and get on with life? how are accquiantances around me becoming disillusioned with life and yet appearing to keep the faith. it just doesn't seem to make sense to me.
talked with teach about double degree-ing in the future. i just thought, since i'm degenerating, why not make it an art. take it the full distance - with my shitass grades, if i make it into Todai(or where-ever,) and somehow have the $$ to finance my studies, why not just take the Architecture and Engineering double and have absolutely no life. from too much to none at all. it'd be the sensible thing to do if i'm going to be a stubborn arse and not make things better for myself. been moving from alone to not alone to more alone than before to so, so alone. rather than spending time doing nothing, writing crap, drawing rubbish and moping about in between people who are preoccupied, just work loh.
i'll even be the postmodern man and take part time Law after that if it strikes my fancy then, hahha like some asian feller down under who goes, HI! i'm an architect-doctor-lawyer ya'll. yeah, then i'll be able to curate or sth. what the heck. I should just work and spend more time with Him. what else is there? i've most likely been trying to go about this all wrong. ever since 4 years ago.
i don't see music in my future anymore. musicians, even hobbyists, have to be the most consistently fickle and spiteful artists. it's all about manipulating and cliquing and living at the expense of other's happiness, as i see it; and i'm in talk-rubbish mood. why are you angry? go punch a tree if you want.
He holds me firm and secure whether i rise or fall
Monday, April 21, 2008
really shouldn't do it! •i wanted to get a new place and start anonymous, but circumstances have made it such that i can only say, i've abused you so and go on writing here.
writing has too often been catharsis, careless release and self-expression+discovery of pent up emotion. i don't think it's a responsible thing way to do it, but i've been falling into desperation lately. will have to temper it with sense as best as i can, i guess. also, i'm sorry no-one ever says anything. oh well. perhaps there's nothing to be said.
i'll write in short sentences, what happens next. and maybe what i think and feel.
(i begin to adore contemporary artists' ways of getting points across. why can't living be an art?)
say it with me - the art of living.
a) i'm so tired. b) how did i get here? c) you hit me right there. d) i'm trying to focus, but e) we need to talk.
today was as mondays tend to go; long, tumultuous morning. falling back into the company of classmates and lecture-tutorial route, with a sigh of release? that i'm allowed not to think about certain things for a while.
living it carelessly. i'm too tired to care about consequences, but i know i can handle them if it comes to that. i'm still a guy in withdrawal, even with iron discipline(haha!) and, His supporting hand.
mr lee seemed different today, or maybe i'm being less intolerable. people vanish without even appearing. i was going to just leave then julian appeared. listened and talked with lee-na and tzung about God and parents and faith for a short while, in the dark. then trashed my voice for the afternoon and evening. took the buses back at the worst possible time.
wasted time and energy thinking and feeling. decided not to get a haircut, after that long walk down yesterday evening and getting turned away by her, she must have been just as weary. steam-blasted the thoughts down the shower and got into clean clothes to start.
the moment the sun sets is the perfect time to begin a new work with a cleansed mind. ran a number of errands at a leisurely pace since i just bathed. got to the part where i fill in birthdays of significant or chance people, from online into the new gray book. got to reading and thinking again. then i got to here.
i shall never go into graphic design. i've lost all faith in my capabilities in 2 dimensions and color. the classic feel of crisp 3d form and body comes easier nowadays. have i mentioned i've several projects i wish to attempt? silkscreen, model, holdall(will cost much to get the parts and cloth!) but there's so little time.. how does anyone have the time to make a portfolio.
i wanted to get a polaroid and start a scrapbook. but they've taken them off the factory lines since february this year. can you tell, we're losing our sense of nostalgia.
i don't really know what i'm going to do yet. i'm really just going it anyhow now. i lost 4kg since i stopped training. no wonder it came down to me not being able to breath when i ran. sigh. basically feel quite fail now, but i know i'll know what to do, and find the strength to do it through Him somehow. just is lousy to feel alone.
really, this is a haiku !
damn. this haiku sucks.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
steady breath •ow- you crushed it again, you're crunching the broken glass underfoot happily, aren't you.
just when i fear everything's one-sided, you drop me a line back up to old faith, but i'm fearful, are you, aren't you
cream of celery actually is pretty good stuff, for veggies
i'm going to put architecture aside for a few months.
develop a few artpiece concepts that i've had into life this year, maybe
miss you like crazy
i can give you three good reasons, actually. i'd start going, no four, no five, but- stop thinking. i can give you three good reasons.
why i am annoyed, disappointed, sad, crushed, why i regret choosing certain ways, people, why i question where i am, why i have hope for so much.
"when you feel your life's too hard
just go and have a talk with God"
i am more than singstimme; i am song.
you just had to crush my little happiness, didn't you. but fine, we're all better for our efforts.
i just thought, for my crushingly high expectations of everything and myself, it's good to get a small bit of affirmation, in a world where everyone is unresponsive and it seems that all the pretty things that are done are just suave, poised, invisible men.
it stings my inner eyes like a mist, (of) your withheld words, touch; but beside it all i am extremely glad for my brothers, for all our differences and disagreements at times. when we talk about the world and the people who we love, i feel like all things are firmly in His hands once more.
Friday, April 11, 2008
the spaces in between •
because i love the sight of it, and it's been pushed to the bottom -
doesn't it just look pristinely luscious?
i think i should hiatus.
i am lost, and i do not like the feeling. In the past, it was once big chaotic disarray and often i didn't know what the heck i was doing and why, and then there would be some parts that would keep me sane, that fed dreams that grew and changed; going to the army, studying and learning things like greek and latin, french and japanese, modeling part time after taking the effort to make myself proper. graduating, becoming a pilot, a chef, opening a restaurant cafe for real, curating art exhibitions and speaking with great people in all sorts of fields. i imagined walking from the louvre in grey and white suits, what is life but a fleeting vision of loveliness.
becoming an architect. working on the forex, flying ever so often for international projects for a foreign firm(i'd junior overseas then charm them into setting up a place in singapore, hah!) entrenching myself in tanglin for what little sweet reminiscence and sentimental beauty; at least the physical environment carried a facade of peace, i can live in the backyard if the world is my home and the former is at least pretty, the world itself is not even sometimes.
etcetera retarded dreams. so many more.. must less idealistic(in the financial sense, but otherwise no), just as retarded. life was so. as idealistic and romanticized as it could be, grit your teeth and block out the uglier parts of life even if they take up so many of the hours when the sun shines. nothing made sense, but there was the sense that i'm doing something, that will get me somewhere, somehow, eventually. somewhere that wouldn't be too bad. now,
not so. i lost a little peace, and my great peace feels empty without a family - with a family so separated, so sparse. i stopped everything, i stopped doing retarded things, things that wasted time. things that ate away at my soul, i thought it would help me feel less broadly and with depth. well, obviously i didn't know what the hell i was getting myself into.
maybe putting up facades is essential to meaningful living, and i missed the memo. trying to condense myself into one coherent personality which i can appreciate is a long and tiring process, but as i find myself getting somewhere with it i wonder if it's a good idea. siiiiigh. i need to slow down and go out and think. like really think about this whole deal for a few days. a week or more.
a) i feel like i am still not communicating with the people in my world.
it could never be more than one or two or three. i don't really mind that it only works between individuals, just grateful that it could at all. i find it hard to describe the kind of language that i use today, with whatever few people i see in my daily life.
it's like.. false closeness. so false, such a lie. a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with white bread that's far too thin and all you taste is the jam and butter, cloyingly sweet and plastic. life that is neither well balanced with both a few close and a good many peripheral, nor life on the brink with one big electron cloud and just one. just.. in between, the (not few not many) who exist are stuck in limbo between close and peripheral which is basically endlessly painful, like the rice paper of hope being torn a-part slowly, slowly, the large sheet as tall as a girl torn straight down the middle in the span of ten hours.
b) i'm less sure of where i'm going/how i am at all, and it's different from not knowing before.
when i had the mind to think about such things in the past(and now upon remembering the past seems so much shorter than it seemed then. sigh.) there was just irrational feeling of it'll-be-fine-ness. well, irrational is as irrational does, and now it's not here. i can take guesses as to why, but they'd be to no end.
not being socially schizo means not being able to artistically experience different paradigms and savour them in full intensity while they lasted. also, not only does life not taste bland(which in itself is an intense archetype), it's just a warbly coagulation of soury emotions. there's something there, but you're think you're pretty sure it's not art, or think you'd like to say that it isn't.
the long and short of it is that it feels like i'm not living meaningfully. i feel anger that i don't have really really really close friends like i romaticize(what is it with girls this age and thinking that every guy who walks up to speak to them is looking to get attached? or that's how it seems), angry at irrational little things like caring and birthdays and anniversaries and words, sigh they're all just meaningless mememtos, symbols, right? not really..
c) i'm tempted to regress, and i'm hungering for some development.
the time spent and sentimental value mean something. yet paradigm shifts are always painful experiences and you wonder if it would have been worth living in ignorance. nahhhh.. but gah. help! connect us.
i am tempted to regress. gosh darn it. i will not. but it's so painful, the idea that what i'd chosen in place of so much else(or what was actually worth nothing at all) is just a sophisticated, educated pretense. and it makes me SO ANGRY and grit teeth walk away look up breath, the little things that make it seem like, damn it's not worth it it's not worth it.
i am grateful. there are beautiful things, but this is the root of the sine curve that's going down, down; where i feel i need to sort things out, before i crash into the troughs of impassioned mid-Atlantic tempest waves. things like understanding terms of (unwritten unspoken)contracts, really coming to terms with how people are. trying to figure out how to be a better person. i don't spend much time balanced it seems, but i am trying to reduce the amplitude and frequency of these offensive swings, during the time i'm stable enough to, haha.
maybe one way to put it is, i'm not so worried about who i'm turning out to be yet(because i haven't allowed myself to let go and run wild, hope i don't) but i am worried about how i'm turning out. i didn't like being empty and everywhere, i don't like being stuck in stasis, lagging in limbo. can i move on now please?
i guess.. i'll just wait here till you decide.
knock knock. open up..?
Thursday, April 10, 2008
soul itch •
singing has for so many ages past been intimately tied to love and we can hardly behave otherwise.i'm weary of this living, sigh. what are we doing all this for? if we've already accepted that we'll fade into obscure parts of one another's memories in but a few years. i hate it when things don't end. can't i?
I RESENT WALLS. THAT BREAK DOWN OUR COMMUNICATION. we wait in tandem with the universe for nothing, because no-one will say something. because to say something means that we hope, and if we believe that we have hope then we will, and when we have hope we fear that it will be crushed.
also, i do hope that, in the end, that's not the reason why you sing.
Monday, April 07, 2008
flambé you! •
i wish i had the time and effort to spare to learn cooking properly.
like, gourmet. not like, just cooking to eat.
order has been restored in the universe, and i officially hate mondays like everyone else does, once more. before i proceed with some blase grouching about, i disclaim!(because we are a disclaiming society, to protect ourselves when we're talking b******t. "aw hey, i didn't say that. not really. i was pissed/fuming/drunk/stupid") i make no claims about the ethical value of these things i complain about! they just happen to be things that set me off. so there.
in the state i'm in, i have this to say also: i'm fed up with dreams about making a difference in the world, in society. people like to say that, power corrupts, knowledge has ethical value. BAH. i say, no, power doesn't corrupt. people are just stupid. stupidity.. stupidifies. screws up the world. that's all there is.
and there's no way you can get anything done like this.. where everyone's blaming everyone else. chances are we're all going to do something stupid sometime, but noooo everyone's all perfect and stuff(to themselves). i'd sooner live life rich and powerless, to stay out of the whole mess. well, rich isn't the point, the point is blahgah stupid.
no idea where those two paragraphs came from. ah shucks. i'm worried about trip; about being substandard again, about $$$, about studies, about how i measure up, about how to continue doing the right thing. it's nice to believe that He has a plan and will bring me along as He has thus far, but i get a little uncomfortable if i'm not nagging myself about something i feel i should be doing(whatever the heck that is this time, anyway), or not being emotionally charged up about something in my life, i guess. it's not so much about faith as it is about habit.
i'm worried about life, stupid things that kids bring up in classrooms after everyone's left and we've been sitting around doing nothing for three hours, just chatting and doing random things, haha. when the men sit down and talk about life and the future together, it's quite different from talking about it with the ladies. i could live with this sort of pointless musing happening more often, if only to take my mind off other things.
yeah i'm done. gosh. suddenly i feel so alone. hah!
Friday, April 04, 2008
i'm singing though sometimes •heavy is the load !
i am tirrreeed, what's new. avonne says, welcome to j2 life! haha i feel totally welcome -.- feel the warmth, no, heat of the environment. folks are stressing out about getting a B among the As! augh irritating. xD ah but heck there are more important things xD
mm this is turning out to be a grubby little pvc entry, so i'll just let it be. i've been feeling a lot(well not now, now i'm just trying to recall stuff. the whole, men are like waffles women are like spaghetti thing you know), not all good, and somehow it feels like i'm doing the world and my friends a great wrong not being as happy as i could possible be, i'm incredibly blessed, haha. it's been awfully nice, and i know that i really love the people around me.
i guess it has to be a step by little step sort of thing after all, and i shouldn't be surprised, haha. i'm trying not to say it i'm trying not to say it i'll say it once and let it rest forever. i loved her so. but hey! i've been through and out the tall fields where you lose sight of yourself, and i've learnt to keep the knowledge close, that truly i'm blessed to be surrounded by beautiful people. it's the beauty that resonates with the spirit of humanity and resounds with faint overtones of heavenly promise. maybe(in fact highly likely) this is just His way of teaching me.
trudging right along, this week has been pretty nice through the haze of fatigue. i want some rest soon, haha. real rest, not just days off. things like- it's hard to say, haha. anyway thanks ruth pam and churchies, upper bukit timah gang and class for everything xD it was all great, haha. yummy japanese pumpkin from suet, and note was a very pleasant surprise. i guess this world will never let me stop believing in the little things, huh! hahahhahaa..
so, through and through it all it's been a nice eighteenth. i felt a little worse for the wear a few days after the CTs were over and the fatigue started to kick in, i'm not such a stamina mugging sort of guy yet. and with no rest in sight, these things that friends have done have made life a little more pleasant that it could have been (: i could say it again! i'm very thankful, haha.
of course i'm wistful too. but there are only so many stages of reaction to loss, and i do think i'm reaching the last, the one that allows a guy to keep on living properly. there's a certain balance to the archetypes of personality and remembrance and continuity, that results in me saying what i think must have been trying to say itself - i've accepted. these times have been all about teaching me acceptance, and for better or for worse, i've learnt. i dare say i've always been good at adapting to lousy circumstances(resulting from my own stupidity or otherwise), but maybe now i'll be able to do it without the emotional exhaustion. hah! is that quite juvenile ?
damn i keep going on don't i. or it seems so. well maybe i have to get it out, so there. i don't want to make random obscure comments(about it) any more unless they're really meant to frustrate and plant doubt in others, haha, and why would i want to do that? xD but well, i know the feeling too, for example tonight. when i read statements leveled at the anonymous, i begin to fear and question myself - shit, is that me? that is around the lines of what i was trying to do in the past, but - hah! it's not such a pleasant feeling, huh. i'll try to abstain x).
so, summary! all in all life has settled down into a mildly fatigued float-along dance into the day with people all around but none too close. i've been doing stuff in a dream, do you remember the story of the boy who truly loved every lady he knew? who could believe that, hahhaha, pity his innocence. hey friendship i'm open, open, give me a minute to catch my breath(wait, how will i find it even if you give me that minute?), give me some suggestion, some impression, some conspicuous indication and i promise i'll try to take it from there.
hey! tomorrow i sing! and i'll wake up early to go to school and do chem/math, hopefully. i just know i can pull this thing through, haha. 加油吧, 壮凯!