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Friday, June 30, 2006
•looking back on the past, melancholy memories or happier times, it's definitely not always because of saddness or that we're dwelling on the pass, refusing to let it go.
i'm refusing to let it go in the sense that, i'll always remember the way things worked out, the times- , good and bad. it all gives a that warm fuzzy feeling inside, just remembering for the sake of it. like the song goes, 至少 昨天 无法毁坏。
it's just remembering how i've come away more mature, with a new experience, understanding a new situation. learning how to cope with certain situations, certain emotions, drawing on the time we spent.
death may take people away, and i be powerless to decide where they'll go.. but if i have my memory, they will live forever in my heart and mind.
in the end, it's remembering just for the sake of it. just because.
it's remembering for love.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
•many many things i want to talk about, things i've learnt over the past few weeks, and more recently.. haha.. but somehow, i can't get it out properly in words.. hmm.. well.. one thing would probably be, we all gotta gain some humility, when it comes to everyday things.. haha.. especially me..
it's just this RI thing that i really don't like, u know.. and i'm sure anyone who's been through it would understand. when we do something right, people just say, aiyah, Ri what, of course. better still, it's usually not enough. and when we get it wrong, it's double the whamming. i must have said this before, because i got this faint memory.. lol..
but i dunno. ourselves, we're really proud of what we think we can do. we know we've been places, and we've com prizes, we know how good we are. so, when it comes right down to it, we end up judging others, and deciding for them how good they should be, based on how good we think they could. and we forget that there are plenty people pro-er than us, and that everyone has their own area of expertise, even within a certain field of ability itself. and we forget that we don't always get the whole picture.
just saying it like that, it could be difficult to see what i'm trying to say.. but it's really a long list of stories to tell. my point is, as humans, it's just so easy to forget. we need something, so that we can say, hey, i'm good at this. i'm not useless.
well, there are a lot of things i could bring up that would be pretty dry to some people, haha.. i dunno. whilst i feel that things are telling me to humble myself even more, people are saying i gotta be more assertive of my position. are these two separate issues? can u believe jorel didn't even know i'm an SL, after 3 years? for 3 years! yeesh.
but moral conflict aside, looking back i feel i kinda wasted the june holidays too.. haha.. of course there were really meaningful things that i really enjoyed, like youth camp, and various meetings, then there were things pretty unavoidable, like choir.. but there are things i planned to do but never got around either.. hmm.. i guess it'll be a repetitive occurence.. i really need to learn how to do stuff.
also, realized i can't take H1 jap in RJ, so that's scrapped, probably for the better.. committing to school stuff is always so inflexible. all the people expect u to push everything else aside for whatever they want u to do. so we're like, caught in the middle. no matter what we do, we'll never "have our priorities right".
mafti day tmr, but i guess it'll be just sch u. i need stuff other than jeans. not boardshorts or bermudas either. youth day is postponed by a week, thanks to the stupid prefects, so that ppl could watch the world cup finals on monday next next week. yeah, so homework deadlines brought forward, projects due earlier etc. blah.
looking forward to differentiated modules, end of the term. hope i'll get a good time table.. gonna do physics and philo mostly, and some math stuff.. we all know i need it =/ and maybe some geog stuff, something i saw looked cool. the tamil courses didn't state a prerequisite =D should i? haAhaha..
making plans for eoy, trying to plan more realistically.. then maybe for once i'll carry all of them out. for now, looking for a real drafting/drawing teacher, kayaking with amos, and church peeps maybe? gonna have to spend more time on the guitar, and outside, and if i'm lucky i'll get myself to pick up some conversational jap.. haha..
yeah.. i will not screw up my last two years, or my learning after that. because i know so. failure is not an option =]
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
•"i don't want to have to say i'm sorry, when you finally tell me, you will.
things are back to the usual in school already. new english teacher, already being cursed by the class but what the heck. i may not like her methods or attitude, but the fact is she's better the regina in that she states clearly what she wants. there's no big mess, or commotion afterwards because "you didn't say". oh well.
lately, nothing much. choir, prep for concert. grateful for the encouragement from mr.kua, however stupid that sounds.. grateful for support from church peeps for e concert, grateful that i've still got 12 weeks to pull my act together.. i know it's too late to really do my best, but i'll just do what i can now.. it's the least i owe myself.
i never did put in enough effort, except where everyone told me, there was no point.
没关系啦。i'm still here.
i'm glad you're feeling better for now
Sunday, June 25, 2006
•dunno if i've posted this before, but for some reason was reminded of it today. thus:
thinking so much about the choir trip problem, i'm reminded about all the past times i've been overseas with friends or family.
to some extent, it's always a special kind of bonding experience. in a strange land, we've more relaxed, because we don't have to follow any rules or expectations of our society. we're just a bunch of friends, is all. we can talk, appreciate things that we don't at home, even though they may be there just the same. not just the world around us either.. each other.
but then, after it all, sometimes nothing seems to have changed since we've left and returned. like with my family.. and sometimes though the relationship isn't quite what it was when we were there, we've grown up and learnt something, about ourselves, about each other and about life since we've returned. we may not be able to be the same way we were overseas, but we've gained from it. it benifited our relationship somehow..
it's all just another reason why i like to go on such adventures with friends.. because that's really what it is. an adventure into each other's minds and lives, and an adventure into God's world, literally. His creation teaches us about so many things.. that's just how i feel.
but there are always problems.. there are groups of people i wish i could have such an experience with, that we could really go and gain something, become closer and get to know each other better. maybe it's idealistic.. but i've always preferred to be; either that, or purely pessimistic. extremity of expectations always brings pleasent surprises, or infinitely better results than what i may have acheived if i had expected less. but then, of course, there are the times when i just fail despite it all.
life teaches in interesting ways, and i just hope i can remember it all.. and then maybe God will let me bring these things i've learnt in my little memory into eternity. maybe.. we need to learn to go on a holiday in our own land. it is the harder thing to do, compared to in a strange land.. but then really, how much do we know of our home. admit it.. we just don't appreciate it enough. the desire to abondan it even comes once in a while for some, more frequently for others.
but maybe, if we can go into that exploring mode, trying to learn, being open to other peoples' cultures and habits and seeing the best in other people, right here at home, we can build better relationships just like that..
maybe we just need to go into holiday mood more. not slacking-sch-hols mood, but overseas-exploring-holiday mood. because that's what we should do more. explore and learn about one another.
then maybe, we could all be a little more understanding.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
i got nothing. i need a loan.
EOY overseas competition in slovakia, czech and austria , and i can't go. seriously. frikkin. it's in the middle of winter, and lookin at last year's winter, this years probably will be as harsh. which is actually a small part of the reason i really want to go this year, haha.. i want to see what it's like. to feel it. i've said it before; it is that time of the year. the time for remembering, for contemplating.
the crazy details are plentifulous and messiful, but i don't really want to think about it. i've tried hard, and so okae. family and friends won't help, i'll just have to try something else. time is running out.. i just hope i can make it in time.. haiz. i just get that feeling again, like i'm kidding myself. i'll never find a way to get the money in time, and i'll spend december brooding around singapore upset about what JC life would be like, even though i won't know for sure.
anyway. chickenkoalas aside, it comes to me needing about 1.6k more, if i'm lucky. if i'm not, i'll need about 2.3k. i really, really hope i'm lucky. but.. won't be able to tell until i get the 1.6k. if i ever do.
somehow, there's something illogical about me wanting to go on this trip. i won't be left out or anything; i won't be in raffles voices next year any more. i'm not even sure if i want to join chorale in RJ. there are so many other things that i need to worry about.. A's, and other things i have to work at to go for my long(or is it rly short?) term goal.
i dunno. when u join a group, and stay, there's always something specific that keeps you coming back. for geof it's teaching, for jorel it's simply singing, and but barely. for me.. i wasn't sure. but i think, it is singing, partly, but it's about the people. i just enjoy singing in a group this way. outside of school and choir, it's so hard to find people to sing with,. seriously. i mean like, really sing. i don't know.. maybe it's me. for some reason, i don't know enough people who enjoy the music the same way.
ah. i stopped and got lost... like i said. i got nothing. nothing i can do, anyway. everything is just going to flow, and i'm caught in the middle of it. i drop dead beat at the end of the day. every end of the day.
i need the 2nd last end of the day soon..
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
•this morning went to this before and after school care center place in boon keng for CIP.. lol.. i have to say, it may not seem very contructive for either of us, but it was somewhat kinda fun. all of them pri sch kids, run here run there make many many noise. haha.. well, don't want to go into the 0.o details, but i think all of us who turned up had some fun bah, esp wen jun. wish i had brought a camera. wish i had had a camera to bring *shifty eyes*
this week more or less full of choir pracs, best is friday, whole day -.- early morn to late evening. wdv.. concert is coming soon.. then after that choralfest concert, then start final preperations for end of year overseas competition.. think i will try to go bah.. haiz. which brings me to think abt next year, whether to do or nt, cause there's a tour every year over at RJchorale i belive. which brings me to think abt many may things in the near and not-so-near future that i'm gonna have to make decisions abt..
then things that i'm supposed to think abt now forget -.- gotta keep reminding myself abt chinese website tt i gotta do. content more or less there i think.. teach saw it a second time and gave me a look that said (i think+hope) why did i give you so low marks. oh well. chuck it into website and add some more then she has a chance to give more =]
yeah. life is pretty random as sch returns slowly. this terms is busy busy cause end of years are the first/second week of term four. so yeah, this is about it. happy days. gotta get mugging mode working properly.. no play play with last year. at least the end of the term is advanced modules, which will break up the monotony a bit, with scattered lectures and stuff. just don't scatter across the whole day.. =/
which reminds me, there's this practical electronics thing i signed up for this thursday. or i think i did. just hope marcus sent in the application for me.. will take 6-8 hours off the time i'll have to do end of this term.. haha.. sacrifice now, slack later.. =] wait, what am i saying. that period will have to mug liao -.-
ah. it feels like the sixteenth year is coming to a close already, i gotta start cleaning up my act and getting ready to make the next few years before ns come out right.. the last days of the year are always drama and nostalgia. well. get some work done now. later, i'll think about it then.
but really, life kinda just throws up these totally random happenings that, played faster, it really could be a drama. last days in choir, there's usually something to laugh about when we get together for small grp singing.. and occasionally i get to have a little talk with geof, who can look at the world at the same level, and walk away having learnt something. there's wierdness in church, and the occasional random thing that pops up. like today.. i really wish i could make it for the finale with them this friday. meh.
people have come up with so many things to liken life to, and some of them are really pretty dumb -.- i mean, take "Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners". plus "LIfe is like a kick in the ass, you never know when you're going to get it!" then there are the regular ones, just google it, really. people really don't think enough, or aren't able to express what they feel well enough.. well. better the latter than the former.
but if life is a drama, then all we gotta do is make it natural. the best actors are those who really feel what they do, and they manipulate their feelings to respond to the needs of the moment. it's like how a single song can be sung so many ways. but what matters is u sing it with that intensity of emotion.. not just dead and unthinking, unfeeling, just belting it out or mumbling it unwillingly. if you don't like the song you're doing, go find your song. make ur song.
christmas already brings the most emotions and thoughts, because i got to sing plenty the past few years, and there's no more academics to worry about until the next year began. just plonk down somewhere, or get walking, anywhere, and take in the people and the places. just taking a walk about the block can evoke so many thoughts.. i relearnt that this morning when i arrived early at boon keng and went out for a walk in the drizzle.
but then again, emotions aren't something that we can change so easily, unless you have the will to. and often, even though we don't know it, we don't want to change how we feel. we want to feel exactly how we feel, like if someone close to you is injured, you'd be sad. maybe sad isn't such a hot feeling, but you wouldn't want to feel any other way, because of what is. you could distract yourself by doing something else, but if it were that serious it wouldn't feel the right thing to do anyway.
but it's like a song.. if i'm torn up, i'll give it to the song, even is it were something that wasn't meant to be sad anyway. what matters is that i can get the emotions out, and make something beautiful of it; make music. let sadness drive us to help, anger to drive us to fight, joy drive us to love. it's case to case.. and i'm just saying it. it's not easy.. i have troubles and i just can't do it either.. but i have to keep trying..
maybe this could help you too.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
"mayday, mayday, We got a problem!" "--hey boy, it's your problem!"
yeah, toh is back, and he's kinda crazy now. must be the jet lag or something, doing funny stuff and now he demands PT after he sorta abolished it last time. wdv loh..
concert is in less than 2 week, it shld be like, crazy now. but everyone's just slacking. another wt- wld be my parents. beh. everything is just screwed up, u know?
so many emos that just have to come out somehow, but there's no real way. in the end it's just obscured crap that nobody can understand. i can't even do music anymore. frick. i can't sing. i suck too much. listening to ppl.. crud.(阿姆斯壮)
music, architecture, photog, crappy sketching. in the end it's all trying to do the same thing.. i just don't know what it is, exactly. to show a scene, a particular scene, and everyone in it, exactly how they are, and how i feel, when i think, look at such a scene.
kae, my new muse is 五月天, if u haven't noticed by now.. haha.. can't stand it. oh well. for every grp that comes by, there's just something special. makes me wonder how u can stand to sing alone. well, u can sing alone, but when there are ppl who could sing with you, have and will, and they're there at the same time, it's not really alone is it?
at this moment, i'm thinking, if there were a bunch of us, we wld just go everywhere, u know. i dunno what we wld do for money, but lol, we would go everywhere, and compose, and laugh and shoot pool and waste time under the sun at the beaches everywhere, and sign about every emotion that anyone has ever felt. cause we'd have felt it all. but because we're together, everything rocks no matter what. (九号球)
pah, fantasies. well, if by some miracle such a thing were to ever happen to me, it would just be over too fast. then we're thrown back into the unknown. but i guess i shldn't even be thinking abt those stuff.. wdv. everyone's always telling me what i shld be thinking about.(武装)
type type type, delete. i wonder how many people do that so often. there's just stuff that sometimes, i manage to, wake up and not post, not say, not write. because i manage to remind myself of the other stupid things i've said or done, and regret. i'n nt talking about stupid funny, make a fool of myself.. everyone laughs it off. just stupid. plain stupid. and 时时刻刻每个现在都在嘲笑我。(我们(时时刻刻))
yeah. people say this all the time, but i'm sick of school. twelve years of doing the same thing, over and over, with half-yearly breaks. i want to learn more than math and science and chinese and english and humans. i want to learn about people's culture on the ground, i want to learn how to sing that way, i want to learn how to cook, how to create that kind of place, with that kind of feel. to get to know these kind of people, to become that kind of guy.
people always say nothing is so perfect in this world of ours. it's a rough world out there, start getting used to it. haiz.. i'm tired of hearing it. i don't understand why people just say that, and be that way. we make up the world.. wdv. so be it.. 还留着在这世上的温柔is only in little portions here and there..我要去寻找.. (而我知道)
but isn't that just selfish? how.. nobody understands.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
•choir camp ended ytd. the camp itself was pretty darn boring, but what the heck. meant to be a training camp.. i think we made some headway. looking back, at ourselves, i think it kind of reflects who we're trying to be. passive, unantangonistic. people are trying their best not to get anyone upset, and at the same time get the job done. personally.. i think we've done an ok job this year. but just like the camp, it has been pretty boring.
and then looking ahead.. it seems like there's just a bit more to go before the next checkpoint in life, but then again, gotta keep reminding oneself that it's not that easy.. challenges, special arrangements i have to pluck up the courage to try to make.. i've chosen a path, now the challenge is to walk it..
it's an easy way out, just continuing with how things are.. and i think i will, because i don't know how to change it, and i'm tired of trying. but, i've learnt that it's true that i don't exist. i live for the moment, how it is or how i want it to be, or based on how people are trying to make it, whether i concur or not, so many possibilities.
but sometimes i just do the wrong things at the wrong times. or just the wrong things. i can't help it. even now.. i think the bext i can do is to lock into a serious mode, at least before most. people i can trust.. few, but i need some escape. but then, they come and go.. as i've seen thus far. well, there is more that is yet to be seen..
there's a couple more good reasons for things to be this way. one.. is something you don't need to know. those who have to, already do. but the other that i've been avoiding less.. is all the politics of society. i can't stand it.. too many false fronts, hypocricies. for all i know i'm part of it. and i think i do, to some extent.. pah.. maybe i'm just imagining it, but then i'm not given a chance to find out, am i? i can put some faith in people to try to do right, but i've given up believing that people care about other people enough a good number of years back..
finally got john grisham's the broker.. half a year, lol. makes me think about how a person could live, if only they believed they could. i don't dare. at least i don't think i do, because there would be nobody to go with me. alone for a while is good, but not that long. start and stop is pointless.
term is starting, and i need to concentrate on math, i know. but i'm not going to. things will interrupt, or i'll give in to the urge to learn other things. why can't we educate ourselves..? then only those who wanted to learnt would learn, and there would be more balance. meh..
anyway, there'll be politics in the subject departments, their trial runs on their guinea pig students, screwing up our school years and grades and futures. yeah, thanks a lot. whats more, you had to sack the one teacher who understood and was dumb/considerate enough to stay. well, she's gone. bunches of people say yay, casue she was pretty helpless at teaching, but at that point of time, maybe teaching in that sense wasn't what we needed.
dunno what to do, all i can do is keep running, falling forward, unable to stop. maybe you know the feeling. reflect on the things i could have done, if i weren't so dumb and scared. and the things i could try now, if i weren't so scared. the world is freaking me out. the only safe heavens are temporary, and hidden in ignorance. ignorance as in, to ignore.
some people like solos, some people like groups. but it's so hard to find a group.. because you don't find them. they come somehow.. or maybe everyone finds one another.
in the world we've made, people 'naturally' try to make things look right. say just the right thing, do the right thing, at the right moment. what's 'right'..? it all looks fake. i have to stop being that way.
i'm just glad i still realize.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
•you think you know a lot of things
Friday, June 09, 2006
•the more i think about it, the more.. pissed i get at myself. what the hell am i trying to do.
think and think, all the stupid things i do. i need to get away, until i can sort it out. i guess, now that i think about it in this way, it is a start. at least now i know something i'm doing wrong.
butbut ____, seriously. what's wrong with me.. why have i been trying to be like that. i just need to shut up. shut up, and think, and whatever i can do. i need to stop doing other things.
... ii don't think anyone wld understand. nvmind.. i need to get away now. put it off for so long, thought maybe i was wrong about how things were. i wasn't, and furthermore i forgot about how they could be, and made things worse. well, now i know what to do. i can't afford to care anymore. rather, i can't afford to try to be someone else. i just gotta behave like i don't care, cause.. i don't know. bad things happen when i try.
maybe i'll go back.. maybe i'll go somewhere else. but i can't see any of you so soon. i need to stop. stop trying.
i will stop. then i'll be back. and then at least, i'll be able to stand aside and witness. i never fully appreciated that He allowed me to not step in and try to help or fit in. now i do.. now i have to. or that's it.
no more stupid. no more me.
•just got back from sch.. where do i start, really..
chior today.. thot it would feel good to get back, but dunno why.. when i stepped in today, maybe i expected too much? dunno.. i'm just no good at teaching.. the way to do it is to show how to learn.. and it's a lifelong process for all of us..
but just really dunno what's going on with them lah. really headache.. dunno how to help them already, if they don't want to help themselves.. but ipanema and the others were nice. the music is better(had better be!), and it's just the people lah. working together and making progress, and in the end making the music as one, it's just this incredible draw from the satisfaction that i gain from it..
anyway.. tmr going bennett's hse again. kao bei.. these kinds of meetings always waste a super lot of time.. prob the whole day.. tt's why dun really feel like going. but.. stuff aren't going to do themselves, so down we go tmr morning..
u like ulu places and i like exciting places. it means something, when geof says tt and when kang can tell me "i'm not very stone".
archs seems to get further and further away.. i try to picture it part of the whole plan. it kind of works out, but then it kind of doesn't as well. i'm not getting any closer, is what's certain. i have to stop.
the camp was too short, and so are the holidays, but there's just something wrong.
i don't know how to say what i'm feeling. i've said it before, but it's different and the same. haiz, pointless.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Monday, June 05, 2006
i guess i didn't realize
i didn't know you well enough to ask
come and hear me sing
but maybe i always knew
you simply aren't the ones
who would have the love and maturity to ever really
come and hear me sing
Sunday, June 04, 2006
•i need to tell a story. it's related, in some sense, to what i tried to mention ytd.. and it's something i realized how to put into words today. so i'll try once more.
expectations make a person behave in certain ways. but what happens when the expectations are so different in the different environments one person experiences at different times? being such a piliable guy in this sense only means that observations are made, and whichever part of the brain is in charge of these sort of things forces the body to behave in a vastly different manner from other situations. some call it split personality when it becomes extreme.
this alone is connected to so many things.. months back, vexed over it, a friend i so seldom see tried to comfort me about it.. something about just being oneself. i forgot about it.. but really, who is one? if one is so easily manipulated by changing expectations, and roles to play in society.. how do others perceive me? in choir i'm one, in church i'm one, in classes i'm one, alone i'm one, amist strangers i'm one. in times of vagueness the mood plays a role even.
..anticipation is the knowledge that people will say, well, there's always a part of you that will stay the same, no matter what. your morals, your values, your beliefs, and the people whom you love. that's what makes you who you are. but these things.. despite the proverbs, somehow in society nowadays they don't really show through. everything is about guessing; who you think other people are. so many things people "know" about other people are based on guesses based on guesses.
certain things, i can't explain, and though one may try to deny them, i can't change them. things like the way a person keeps changing like this, just based on the role that one feels would be the easiest to fill amongst a group of people, and at the same time tries to show, at the very least, a part of who you are. this may not always be true, but amidst overwhelming confidence, the effort to be the same sometimes.. just doesn't work. to take a silent role, simply because one , for some reason, doesn't know what to say at all when amongst these people. sometime, i must admit, in despiration i thought to myself, why the 'crime' of not having some vague blabbering to utter forth? and yet i know it's not what i mean, because these are the people i love. i've witnessed what kept me; the simple sincerity and beauty with which they sing for I Am. i can't help it. i'm overwhelmed.
then in company of others, simplemindedness tempered with intellectual knowledge gifted of education, some confidence is inspired in one's own actions, despite the subconscious feeling that it is for the wrong reason.. respect for their personal areas of expertise, and yet feel confident about one's own areas of profession. thought through, it appears to be a vain sort of comfort, but realization showed me that it is more than this.. it's the comfort that one finds in people whom one is familiar with simply because of the sheer amount of time that we have spent together, and because of the obvious lack of a mask put on when we face one another each time we meet. we are simply who we are, and we don't try to be any more. we take comfort, because we may have company and not be judged. and that's why i fear the day i must leave these people..
other times are beyond expressing. sometimes amidst people who.. put up such a shallow front that we are simply all aloof in actual fact. that one might lower oneself to such a state shows only how much an interpersonal relationship is being avoided. so be it. i'll outdo all of you, without such a sacrifice.
and then amidst those whom one chooses to be impersonal with for various reasons, they'll experience the mood swings and attitude. that's how it was before. hope i'm in a better mood by the next time we gather again. hypocritical, maybe, but i don't take insult well from people who are lousier, but think that they are better. june 22nd.
if you would read this much, and can understand, i'm grateful, and truly. becasue.. i've lost faith in the human race. in so many things. and unlike others, nothing the world has shown me can turn it around, not charity, not rescue missions, not personal love for the stranger. i'm not even too such why. it's a wide guess, but it's probably because of the way the rest of the world is, when these people are these ways. the very method thorugh which i gained these knowledge is an example in itself.
Saturday, June 03, 2006
•doing math halfway.. ugh. have i mentioned i don't like math? it's not that hard. it doesn't like me either so we usually just try to stay out of each others way.. but sometimes there's just no choice.. hahAha.. but right now, not even the almighty yahoo answers can help me, because i don't even understand the answer that is given? dohh.. and thus, tadaah, here i am. blogging.
on a separate note, i seem to have a spasmic blogging habit.. looking at the [Edit Posts] page, it's always in bunches.. hmm.. maybe one day i'll graduate to even less seldom. for now, i think i'm content with being childish despite myself and coming for a rant about random nothingness up here whenever i feel like it..
and so, on a similiar note, BAH they never did upload the latest avatar episode on youtube. was supposed to be out ytd, albeit early in the morning. okae, so that was early in the morning today, our time. the guy who usually does it is frolicking about the states of the US, visiting relatives all over the continent, the lucky bugger. what a way to spend time.. going here and there with no deadlines, yet being able to come back to the real world any time. mehh.
yesterday was spent happily at julian's place, lol.. was fun in an odd way. at least we got some stuff done, but after lunch everyone went to his bedroom and flopped onto the beds and the floor, followed by an appropriate comment about taking such human reactions to mealtimes into consideration when planning the schedule for this months' vocal training camp.. hAha.. then out came the cards and we played until everyone had to leave. around 3.30. and then we left. yupp.
with the holidays, somehow the mind becomes more relaxed .. stopped waking without an alarm since yesterday, lol.. in fact, must have shut it off in my sleep, cause when i woke up, there it was in my hand. when i had put it on the table across the room to prevent this kind of stuff from happenning.. hmm.. where can i put it next?
but what i was really referring to was.. it's easier to leave certain thoughts behind. time passes faster.. surprisingly. i don't know how to put it.. there are a lot of things i want to think about and talk about.. but now all i can do is dream about impossibilities. looking around, i don't know what to think.. too many things. ughh.. i think it's all hitting me in the head now, for leaving it alone so long. i don't even know what i want to say here..
let me choose one, and try to ignore the rest, for now.. it's really all connected, in such a big web, but.. one things is about expectations. you know that people always live by expectations. their expectations of themselves, and the expectations of others. usually, the latter plays a very major role.. which is something lamented by.. a bunch of people. several.
haha.. you'll have to forgive me for writing this stuff out.. but it.. it's just a way for me to think.. i keep telling myself, one day, youre going to have to write it all out. all those plans, all those dreams. then you're going to pass it everywhere. fix it up, get people to blam it. but i never get started.. because different things come to me at different times.. certain things are just suddenly clear at certain moments, and the rest is a blur. i don't know if anyone can understand what i'm trying to say.. the world is just so.. shallow, it would seem. it's just, criticisms. aah. off topic.
well, naturally, from the time we come into the world, for most of us the first expectations we start to try to live up to would be our parents, or whoever took care of us. of course there's the genetic inclination part, but i don't like science so i won't mention it here.. it's too complicated a deal, even for me to dig even partially. anyway.. just to give an example, maybe your parents exepected you to start reading at 7, so they would read to you from young and stuff, then come some point of time they would stop being nice about it and start blamming you about not being able to read by yourself. then you would be able to tell, okae, that's the age you're expected to be able to read by.
the point is, some people expect less, and some people expect more from the individual. maybe some people expect a kid to be able to grab a book from the library and sit down and read by five or six, and maybe some others wouldn't expect it till 8. but people always try to live up to expectations, and with the arrival of personal awareness, their own expectations of themselves. that's how people develop, gain habits, and why they behave in certain ways.
i could go on and on about so many things about the negative expectations of different groups of people on the society, and those of the society on certain different groups. but it would all be opinion, because what i believe in in pretty extreme. a system that can no longer be re-implemented.. but the point is, these expectations played and still play a substantial role in determining who we are today. it's like, the better grades you're expected to get, the harder you're likely to try for those grades, of if you're already got them, the less you would try to improve further.. since we know that, why can't we make ourselves better?
... i know i'm being vague about this, but it's because people will always come up with the "you're not so hot yourself" blam.. and frankly, it's a pretty dumb blam. i mean, it doesn't take someone with better grades than you to know where you stand amongst the entire level. a guy who's below you can still look at your grade point, and see that, despite his being suckier than you, you're only one position about him in terms of suckiness. so it really doesn't make any sense..
but in the same way, it doesn't make any sense that, despite my knowledge of this, i still don't want people to come at me with that blam.
haiz. i'm tired. if you really wanted to know, what restarted all this thought about expectations was a very blase and shallow observation. i'm just a tired, tired guy. a human. one afternoon not so many days back, at some mrt station i saw a girl maybe a year or two younger than me, wearing a long skirt. and looking good. that's not something you see every day, i thought. then i went home and fell asleep..
certain things, i'm tired of explaining. not literally, but it's just, i feel that morally, people should know these things themselves. by having to explain.. it just gives me a negative feeling. a bad feeling, deep inside, that would probably be classified as a synonym of foreboding, but not exactly.
* * *
somehow, tired just doesn't seem accurate, exactly, but it's the closest. it's not physical, not mental, just some sore ache inside, somewhere.. because of things i can't fully explain.. but noone will listen anyway. and even more achingly, none whom i've met who were willing understand.. so i wait. i pray for a little hope, a hope that there would be someone, a someone before that Someone who knows this feeling inside me even better than i do..
i don't know how my heart classifies it, but somehow, there are the shallow, then there are the shallow who try. how it knows, i cannot tell.. but then most whom i love, i believe, they are trying.. because they are not of this world. those who are.. they pain my heart only more, because my trying is not good enough, and they are the evidence, and i will weep someday for it.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
•today was a bit happier.. lol.. really full range back, but think kena 百天咳 again.. aiyah.. see how lah. at e most just drink tt poison that tt lady doc gave me last time.. lol..
singing really impt now loh. haiz.. dunno why, even though, last time seniors will always say, aiyahh, so sad, leaving choir, the four years really flew. and most of the time, it's hard to look at it in that kind of way. but somehow.. it's really now that i get that kind of feeling.. i'm sad to leave. should i decide to join RJchorale, for some reason.. a lot of the people i've come to love working and singing with won't be there. things just won't be the same one lah..
as a batch.. i think we're not that special, to be kinda strict with ourselves.. every batch of sec4s that have come and went, always seemed to be pretty tight after the year of being the leaders.. though not too much so with other batches. i think.. despite what i thought before this year, we're no different, in that sense.. but it's still special to me, because this batch has done this many things together, we've really seen each other as absolute equals and treated each other as such, and simply put, we've spent the most time together.
there may be certain gripes about certain behaviours of other people.. and i have so say that i know i've given plenty of reason for people to think of me that way.. but.. in the end, when it comes to such a time when we're leaving, then it vanishes for some reason. i wonder if you guys feel that way too.. maybe it's not right.. but.. it's not something that is forced. so what can i say.. it's been such a memoriable time..
hahAha.. i know this is coming really early, but somehow i just have this thing about randomly thinking about stuff like this.. and somehow it's not really that early either. three months time, give or take a month.. that's it. all that'll be left will be the year-end trip.. which i may or may not go for. one is money, uncontrollable.. two is people. who i want to spend the last time in choir with.
haiz.. nvmind.. anyway , tmr morning, going down to julian's place in coronation.. ensemble. we're doing the girl from ipanema.. yeahh.. haha.. yet to find the tabs for that song.. but i think it's for two guitars. well.. and it seems 我们的故事 is scrapped.. meh. well.. can't be helped. oh, and on that note, totally forgot about guitar today, after choir, so at almost six our teach called, then is was like, okae, don't you have lessons now? seems the other guy quit, and geof is in hongkong now, so i totally forgot about it. but teach was nice enough to makeup on monday, haha.. so now i gotta find out somehow if geof will be back in time =/ meh.
june starts now. still struggling with backlog.. ughh. i need to throw it away so i can begin.. by tonight. gotta do that much by tonight.. or it'll be too late and the time will be gone. got to make decisions, preparations, and learn. doing stuff, it begins to seem superficial, then i start to do other things that seem less.. but thinking about it.. the truth is, even those are.
singing with friends hasn't made me think that way yet. and i don't even want to start to consider it.