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danne |
Friday, December 21, 2007
it's too damn easy to find me. •
you know the little red cotton pouch in my inner coat pocket? the jade pendant that replaced my own wouldn't understand where it's going, for all the honor and respect that forged it into it's place on my chest under flowered collars. this wasn't fun at all, and i hadn't even taken it anywhere. would anything like this be worth it? can i even make a judgment call, just on this 不完整的旋律?almost not a waste of time. you never do know where things will go; it's a quick year ahead and we're not to have a life. you were born ten years too late, do you understand now why a man will dedicate his life to only his work? nothing else responds with an equal passion. i'm not like the people you know, miss. you can only wish. it seems i've missed a lot. but hey, it was a choice to make, i don't think i regret it. people change.. things are over, i haven't even started researching, if they knew, i would be dead, and i am anyhow. i wonder how it would have been if i hadn't missed the singing, if i hadn't missed the fellowship. put me into the picture, maybe i'd have been a little more melancholy. at least this way i can not think about it. i'm really not as miserable as i sound, lol. a little downbeat maybe, though not quite because i'd been caught off pulse. more like back into the same sound, a little messier than before. i can make just that wee less sense of it all now that i'm back. like i said, i regret nothing. it was a final trip with my parents, so they'd be happy, noone will ever be allowed to say i'm unfilial. i'd learnt a little about myself, a little about other things. i've made a few friends, and maybe passed up on a few chances for no good reason at all. or maybe with a little cause. at the moment i'm coughing like a seventeen year old vacuum in reverse, the stay there really made me appreciate the local humidity. it's just my type of weather. i can take the heat, and i can bear with whatever cold, but the dry air is just vocalist hell, i couldn't have sung properly any of the days there i'd reckon. may have spent twenty bucks or more on international messages and calls, but what the heck. on that last night before the flight had a very short talk with the guide from singapore side in between rounds of pool and mocktails and the one grasshopper that got all the kids semi-drunk. interesting how these things chase up to me whereever i go. but maybe whatever anyone heard or said was good for them, i hope so. i'm not really ready, but i want to get rid of this cough as soon as possible and lock my heart away. there's so much to be done.. there's really no way for me to express how afraid i am for this year, under the circumstances. it may be that that's for the best, anyhow. or maybe it's just going to keep me in this paralyzing limbo.. sigh. but there's no use praying for an answer, is there? this time it's not going to come, it seems. i can't sleep. sigh. by the way, no, it hasn't really been settled, to me. nothing really has been. didn't it seem very familiar? it did to me. just saying it doesn't work. reassure my soul before i shut it away for thirteen months. 2:07 am |