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Thursday, February 28, 2008
you know what i mean. •
when i look at you in the eyes, be it "the heck is wrong with you, bringing your girls here to have games where we're studying, just cause it's sunny out and the darlings need to stay cool and protect their skin?" or something more.
iiiit's been a good week. i summarize the feeling here, ok?
like i said(or i think i did..?), i've gotten quite a lot of work done, in the past week. not exactly sure when the run began, but i've been clearing things out of my file more rapidly than usual(perhaps it's cause they're all old tutorials and the flurry of new ones makes my unconscious mind nervous, hm?). i've done more math now than in any other period of my life, i think, hahhaha. finishing a physics tutorial some afternoon alone in my classroom(cause annoying J1s were using the chorale table and no-one was anywhere in sight or hearing), i put down the pen to wipe my face and reach for a stapler. i can't be sad anymore, somehow. i can only laugh softly to myself at the little meories that pop up in times like this. how annoying, haha.. mm.
semi-late bus rides home have a different affective archetype, that i kinda like, actually. getting on at 8, and at nine-thirty, taking a slow walk down a mottled, (fuzzy streetlamp-glow yellow) and (water-in-the-dark black) road 1/3 the way down a homey hump of a hill that houses old memories that don't seem to want me anymore. for how long more can i be a student in uniform standing with my pack and file singing in the night outside the bus stop sheltering dotted outlines of old men and girls? how long more can we be lame dudes singing into the night on the piano and mike in the LT in the school with the crutch sitting by seven-11, no-one wants it, really, and the clock says 8:47 - time to go home and eat dinner. no island creamery for you, the rest of us aren't here.
i press forward when that song comes around, really. the more i see and reflect, the more i don't understand what on earth.. i saw in it at all. i'm not angry, because i'm at peace with myself now, remember. in the general sense, anyway. but i'm, miffed? at the emotional energy spent. there was something that was worth the energy, but this, i have doubts now. i'm not melancholically attached to the song
in other news, the little things. one, old habits die hard. two, i strike you off the list. three, nicole quah as KI teacher was a relaxing change, she's quite cute, hahhaha. four, i realize that if i check in after CT1s i'll have to take NAPFA later in the year. damn. think i can do well in napfa and get it over with despite this stupid ailment? then go operate after that.. but that would mean operating in late april, gah. affect trip? maybe. but then again, already $$ issues. double gah.
art essay that would get negative marks from mr chia, hahha.. well, it's not meant to be a SOVA essay anyway. it's just a, the way i feel essay. not really an essay either if you think about it, so narrative. but i can create my own style and start a new movement! the same way i contemplated a new philosophy of government. will get down to writing it, unlike social paper. society's much more convoluted, doubt i'd ever be up to analyzing, constructing and expressing my concept into a working system properly.
when i was younger, back when i didn't have to worry about that, i kinda looked up to those musician-singers who went on to complete their studies in university in whatever they were passionate about besides music, and carry on with their lives. because it just seemed like a sensible and awesome way to live out music and reality: singers in asian bands that never were number one on the charts for more than a few weeks, after getting the experience, earning some cash and getting some limelight, continuing with studies. i remember there was one guy who went on and graduated in architecture, i thought it was pretty cool, haha. and i remember telling her, hey, i can only think of one thing that would be cooler than being able to say i'm a vocalist-architect-teacher―
won't you take a guess, as to what it is?
Impassioned ! •"A poem should not mean,
Comparing Mondrian's reduction of the art of painting to Plato's idyllic abstraction of every concept that exists in this universe to his Forms is like comparing a genetically-modified Hercules to the gods - it isn't even original, and despite trying to imitate something imperfect in itself, the end result turns out conceptually worse off, and the whole experiment is not much more than a mockery of the good idea that gave birth to it, as well as itself.
Plato's abstraction of all concepts to the form of "Good" is subject to considerable criticism as it is, philosophically speaking. This we know, but what is truly important in the context of this discussion is the purpose of the abstraction, both of art and of thought, and it's end result.
Plato's conception of the forms was in an attempt to form a formal system, somewhat, of knowledge, upon which we can build all the knowledge we have; a rational, objective one, not subject to human imperfections. Here lies the similarity of Mondrian's abstraction to Plato's philosophy: it seeks to find a way to help us understand the nature of all art, all representation, by abstracting forms and space to the most elemental colors and shapes(supposedly, anyway).
However, the follow-ups to the understanding gained were vastly different. For Plato, they were obviously a means to an end: to the end of gaining more knowledge, by using this knowledge as a structure by which to understand and learn more about the world. Mondrian, on the other hand, treated the "forms" as an end in themselves.
Here comes the normative bit of my essay: understanding of the forms should NOT be the end of our efforts in themselves. The forms in themselves, being completely neutral, hold no value to us, cannot expound anything to us nor give us any experiences. Thus, say what you like, Mondrian. You may claim that your abstract paintings are "not meaningless but neutral", but this much is evident: they are useless.
Sure, they show us the pure forms in themselves: the primary colors and black and white and lines and squares and rectangles. But I already know that these are the pure elements! It is the basic lesson in art that any art student learns before even formally acquainting himself or herself with any artist's work. Even if you mean to remind us of this, with such abstract work, how would you gain the attention of the laymen or tired students who are the ones who would not probe your motivation and thus miss out on the knowledge of your intentions?
Furthermore, for all your claims of objectivity, what justification is there for the use of such a blue-colored patch here, and such a black line there? Sure it looks "right", because of balance in the forms, but there is a multitude of permutations and combinations of such arrangements that could be formed to give such aesthetic balance. perhaps this number is finite, but there remains no justification for your selection of representing these particular examples in which the pure elements of art are balanced in their pure states. Your choice of representing just these, removes your precious objectivity right out of your art, Mondrian my man. and besides all these, isn't art not supposed to be about aesthetics?
Note, though, that I am far from slamming abstraction: rather, I find it a field that has not been represented well by the artists through time, generally. I'd desire to rescue it to society. There is so much good done already: Jackson Pollock's representation of his "inner psyche" through his particular methods carries certain meaning, or tries to, at least, compared to Mondrian's retarded "art in itself". I hold expressionism in high regard, personally, for the focus on emotion, something intelligent people in contemporary society would fear to delve into due to its convoluted nature.
The logical extension of Mondrian's interpretation and philosophy of art, I personally feel, is the work of the late Chuck Close - demonstrating and informing his philosophy of the structure of art to his audience through explanation, or in the art itself, in his pixelization(representation of the colors in the most elemental forms) to serve a greater purpose; be it realistic representation or any other(though the necessity of representing your philosophy of the structure of art in the artwork itself so blatently may be a course of action whose justification is debatable. this as opposed to representing your philosophy of art, such as i will elaborate of mine later, in your artwork: which is of course, absolutely crucial, duh.)
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Extreme Comments •it's not pleasant to admit, but i don't usually go through any song we do properly; take the time to sit down and look at every section's line, every phrase and chord, understand them the way i do, with insignificant formal musical background to speak of. still, i did, more recently, for this little sonnet we have in our hands, and i'm quite pleased by it, haha. it's an odd way to say it, maybe, but that's how it feels, a little warm glow of satisfaction. i'm glad we're trying it, and i do hope we can do it well (:
" i disagree. should i take a friend, or a stranger, and place him on a pedestal in a museum beside the marble and alabaster works of the masters, or invite her into the gallery as an exhibit, it is indeed art. as over the hours he unreasonably holds the pose i had demonstrated - gets tired and sits down, changes into various positions against what i requested, or starts reading a novel he got a friend to sneak in, in the air-conditioned hallway whilst leaning against the pedestal itself; as she begins to paint in the room with a glass wall, her every pose, expression, thought, turn of the head and little shake of her hair. it is art.
there's one thing i'd hesitate forever to speak poorly of, but here it is. it's easy to say that the situation is discouraging, and alas, the cynic has invaded the part of my life that was supposed to be eternally optimistic. the fight's not done, though. and that's what's giving the stress.
in other news, it's week 9, gosh gasp golly. send in the potato-hawks, she's a big one - Charlie Tango One. have i mentioned i hate studying alone. oh well. can i-?
it's all ok, alright now, really. i'm fine, life goes on blah blah. i'd be quite able to handle whatever shocking news that may come my way now. like, news, any news, coming my way, you know. you coming my way, something coming my way. knowing stuff. of course, it's ok if it doesn't come.. but yeah.
in other news, there must be so many digital art competitions out there that there isn't big enough an artist base to take part in all of them, all the entries i saw in these two were really crappy, i really really want to take part and grab this opportunity that i wouldn't get otherwise(i'm not really a stellar digital artist myself) to take part, earn a bit of money to go towards the trip, earn the right to say i took part in a few local digital art competitions and put them in my portfolio. but gah, time. gah, insecurity and high standards set upon self.
in other news, if a miracle happened, right now, i'd have X plus one more reason to be glad, i realized.
i wouldn't have to make any decision about that any more. if it were a real miracle, things would just go back to how they were, as if
Thursday, February 21, 2008
working and waiting •i wanted to write yesterday, but i fell asleep before i did anything useful after the evening ended, zz. recovering from whatever transpired and have almost closed the gap on tutorials, haha. i'm going to be optimistic and say, close the gap by this weekend, then i can go do stuff.
it's been lousy, pretty much, but in the end you grow to live with things. each of these things.. like a pin in the shoulder, you get used to them, regardless. like living with tubes up the side of your chest for so long, it's not that it doesn't hurt; it's just that it takes too much energy, too much emotional energy to feel, let alone think, anything about them at all(because you cannot feel only a little if your heart will make you feel a lot), you've just got to be superhuman with a magnesium-iridium blood pump keeping you going to keep it up. in the end the mind does what it does so that you live rather than die; you get accustomed to it. that's what i meant when i said, i'd gotten used to loving.
it could well be a bad thing, in certain circumstances. i can name one, right here and now; not treasuring enough, and probably couldn't have without having made people think i was crazy or obsessive. after all, we all would act differently if we had foreknowledge of what was going to happen. but all in all, realistically speaking, a guy can live that that for only a while at a go. when i say gotten accustomed, i don't mean, it matters to me but i have to move on. i mean, i'm working and i'm waiting. i'm patient as long as i have to be.
i'm making a resolution for this weekend! and for the year, if i can and dare, haha. i suddenly realize that i should and do feel horribly stagnant and boring. not that there's anything interesting that i think i could/should be doing, but i'll find it if i can, heh. i'm going to start going out for those city walks again(but now with a bag of papers and books) and settle down at some old haunts again. it's alright already, haha, in that sense at least. it's time i got busy again.
some things aren't meant to be talked about in the public domain, and i hope i have enough discretion to lay the appropriate amount of pressure down. but a lot of times there's a lot of fear and doubt that go by other names, when i want to make late night calls or ask someone out for lunch. ohhhhh well. hahhaha. maybe i can blame all that all my year of NATO. then again, it's hard to understand unless you were close by to see it. siigh. hehh. we'll live yet.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
whistle while you work •gosh, it's tuesday already.
the days at this time of the year agree with me almost perfectly, meteorologically speaking. the sun rises late in the mornings, making them all the more warm, quiet and private, like something carried over from the past evening till falling asleep. and the moon's glowing like that three am in the morning shine, by seven, when the sun has only dimmed the sky only ever so little.. and on the bus back, the clouds seem very three-dimensional indeed. poking into our world like a pop-up book from Treasure Planet, how surreal. mm.
i was going to say, short hair rocks x) but yeah, it's just me, after i've cut my hair. most probably some subconscious Ah Q jing1shen3 at work. and yeah, i refrain from any further comment on this issue, hahhaha.
other than that, these few days have sucked. honest-to-truth chest pains now, i totally know what's wrong. argh.. i really really really really really really really don't want to go in.. damn apprentice doctors and having to help them with bedside surgery, waiting forever and half a day for the real docs to come in to finally operate. freaking boredom and irritation and thinking about things. i hate thinking about things under these conditions! but there wouldn't be much else to do. i think i should know. cogito ergo doleo, mm? i think therefore i am depressed, hahhahaha.
and i haven't even started studying, like studying studying, stuff other than tutorials and compulsory stuff, this year. what the hell.
and the evenings could suck if i only let them, but of course i don't. not now, not any more.
and i hate studying alone.
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Nein, es ist MEIN fisch! •oh! the real world. right.
take 5 was ok. sushi buffet was, i quote, BADASS.
6s is be the good stuff.
reading about architecture admissions and studies is damn stressful, understatement understatement. emphasis on drawing skills! portfolio portfolio portfolio. trinity accepts 1-2 applications a year. japan looks less attractive, i think i've mentioned. i never saw myself looking at the Big Ones. MIT, cambridge.. please, i'm a regular guy. way out of my league. so where am i supposed to go??
the whole process is so bloody messy it's like the professors in brown tweed coats and julian-spoofing-mrtoh-esque trousers strew fish guts all over the place on purpose, just for laughs. stupid educated people and their gray wigs and lousy morbid senses of humor. i'm quite stressed. bah.
also, valentines day coupled with CNY take their toll on everyone and the world! thank God i don't fall sick except insignificantly or desperately, so i'm not too much worse for the wear. i'm inexplicably tired though. like muscle aches and general fatigue. didn't even run this yesterday. pig. even slept from 7 to 8+ and woke up still aching. sucks. oh, and (things i can't say)
anyway, make no mistake, things are not ok. gosh, how do postmodernists do it. being conscious of all the opinions and options. it's overkill. it's like the blue robot going, YAY! new and improved, now with multiple moods at once!
ugh. i can't believe i'm being like this. STUPID! what the hell is this? augh!
Saturday, February 16, 2008
say nothing at all •these are those times when, while pushing everything away, clearing the mind and soul with city breezes and urban garden walks, gently crowded streets mildly bricked, cobbled and paved with palms walks. something persists, in a way that rattles my insides quietly so loud that i'm shaking and my breath becomes irregular, but it's a warm sort of pseudo-darling annoyingness that's pouting on the line that brings it over to unbearable heat, heat that makes my vision noisy and consumes the inside, with every involuntary recollection. i won't ask what i don't want to know for sure.
i'll do my assignments and my richard gere innocent glance-about whenever you want me to, but i just don't have the propensity for small talk. that sort of daily comfort only comes when it's just that, close and true. then it looses the frivolity and becomes enduring, endearing concern, don't you think? hahhahaha. but it's pretty much beside the point, isn't it. this whole thing makes me feel ill at ease(euphemism), you make me feel ill at ease, haha. how's that for a dilemma.
in other news. i'll count the years while they're young, because it's the thing to do. and my tick-tock clockwork soul does it for me anyway, like the fingers on your timeless tender hands. counting the occasions off one by one, happy birthday to this memory, heart's transparent pillory through the times and looks that mean nothing at all.
lying on the crossbar of the playground swings in the dark of the early morning, with you going up and down below like you're sleepily encouraging the sun to rise, so we can get up and walk slowly back to the house and crumpled cottony sheets of warm, embracing air.
facing away from the ocean because, gosh, it isn't really there for us with it's ups and it's outs, it's got more in its foamy arms than wet crumbly sands can caress the soles of her tanned, supple footprints. walk away, very, very slowly. this is where we don't go, keep to the grass and lined pathways out and away from you. the sea, she's got other shores she teases when it so pleases, her; try to let this knowledge ease your paiiiiin. yellow breezes blowing the isles farther and farther away.
Music:Plain White T's - Hate (I Really Don't Like You)
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
i suppose you're over me now •all of a sudden today, life felt awesomely boring. i'm not doing anything anymore, nothing to look forward too, nothing to prepare for(besides A levels), nothing to do to meet new folks. it's like the sky suddenly got a little wider and emptied itself of that single big cloud that filled the big baby blue, and from the cockpit you peer out and see: hey! there's nothing going on up here.
i'm not thinking about a lot of things, consciously, but it's ok, for now. with nothing but chorale and studies and little personal things that don't involve anyone else, the general feeling is rather lazy. makes me want to engage in whimsical, inconsequential pointless activities to help me pass the time that i don't have. sit down with the pressed and ironed paper on an unusually cool and wet morning with toasted spam, a plate of rich croissants and half a flask of cold milk.
live in an imaginary, virtual reality; lounge around stacks of literature and research fiction in immense carpeted libraries with table lights that illuminate each of our faces and hands, closed in from the bright sunny greenery outside by two-storey windows veiled with massive curtains that look like they could have clothed the cold, hard stone walls of Arthur-who-existed-not's halls. browse writings and ideas and dreams of other men and girls, look at pretty pictures of architecture that's beyond my construction. snuggle up in a plump armchair like it all doesn't mean anything to me, except some special lucky person, or i am.
the thing about life that gets us down is the way we were brought up, and the society we live in, as we already know. i could dream of buying a nice little house in that little corner of the world where we can look out the window in the morning, at night, and the world is quite pretty; look forward to old age and being surrounded by family and little grandkids who go, ooh rasin! but it's placed in the little bottle, broken in the heart, to angst. and we've inherited expensive dreams; not from our parents, but from us, ourselves, the society we've built as we grew up in cots on the third and top floor of poorly-lit HDB flats.
so i'm walking around and around, missed my stop one too many times, took the wrong bus. when i get there, i'm not really; and every corner i turn to walk into a heaven, it's disappointment again, and again, until - not the body, but the spirit is tired and broken and we're ready to cry. but oh, boys don't cry.
i realize i'm not doing all the things that i used to do, that i used to just for the sake of it, just for me. and these things that i did brought me good things.. brought me people, brought me to people and places. things that gave my life more meaning. but as for now.. i guess it's still early, and maybe i'll go back to them when i've picked myself up and become independent again. then again, if i hadn't thought of it that way, it could have been that i'd be afraid of the same things happening again. things going.. like this.
but i realize that i'm not afraid, because i can not think about things, consciously. i just jump right back into the desert in search of something again, after being torn to pieces by the wind and bandits, and friends. and it's alright, so long as i don't see them, so long as i'm not reminded of them. haha.. mm, yes. in fact, maybe i overreacted. so long as i don't see, or hear of, much less touch.. the dance of life goes on. it seems i knew this before i did; not keeping anything at all. i really surprised myself. i can't avoid seeing, or hearing about them, really. so something inside tightens, and.. it's selective perception. you can't avoid it, and you most certainly can't blame. after all, other people mention them only in love.
walks really do me good, when i can just go on and on. helps me clear my mind, helps me think or make decisions about something at hand, even gives me my inspiration sometimes. if only they could give me motivation and warmth, that would be all i need for leisure, hahhaha..! too many people are saying how they like long, slow walks on the beach: the part of me that doesn't think about things, consciously, doesn't believe you. surely you're just saying that to sound sophisticated and like a nice person. can't you see that isn't what makes anyone one?
sometimes i don't even feel like singing anymore, because for every note i sing whilst having certain people in any, any corner or crevice of the mind, there are just so many strings attatched, tied, holding the sound back, keeping it from soaring over rooftops and into windows. but i still sing, haha. i really can't explain it. somehow, it just doesn't feel.. bad. mm.
i doubt i could ever tell, because that's how i'd like it to be and so, what i tell myself. if i could tell, it would mean certain things are gone now, and it all doesn't really matter anymore. i'm thinking optimistically, consciously, haha.
so. are you over me now?
Saturday, February 09, 2008
如果妳确定，那我也确定。 •i'm quite blown over, i think. but then again i don't really care. people changing.. isn't important. in the end if people don't care anyway, i'd be better off giving up caring as well. the feeling, as usual, is quite inexpressible, but ok. deep breaths. yeah, i think i can not really care.
today was, nice in the way it is when you pull down the dusty gray curtains and the sunlight comes streaming through the stale, stale air, illuminating the tiny floating particles, coughing and squinting. something inside went quite hard and numb, and i could spare a few laughs, haha.. i'm quite sorry. i have most awesome friends x)
always a few things to think about. the whole thing about social life and the people you don't really know is, a guy wants to make himself look good for his friends and to these people, when he goes out with said friends, so that in the end nobody looks down on us; so the whole atmosphere of the travelling party isn't affected negatively and everyone generally has a good time and we go home feeling, gosh, what a beautifully quaint people we are.
this morning i woke up late, and i forgot to switch on the water heater before going to do the sets, so when i got back i just had a cold shower with little lather and a hurried towel off; thus the post-WWII-student hair. ugh to that >< the irony lies in the slow didn't-really-eat-anything breakfast when i talked with my mom over hot chocolate. i'm liking where family life is going, and i would have been quite happy over these times, if not for missing things in the other parts of proposed idealized lifestyle and certain occurences and reminders. i swear everything that could, reminds me now; as in, right now. i'd say it's irritating, but rather, it numbs.
for the record: today we went visiting! it was fun, and it really makes me miss childhood. and by that i mean the times when we visited gramma and grampa every sunday for lunch, would look forward so much to going all the way across the island whenever we could to see granny and frolic in general old-time family living. geoffrey, jorel, royce, wenyi. so things bothered me, but some things are usually bothering me anyway, haha. i think i had a good time (:
Music: The War - Melee
It's so soft to the see the glow from the city up aheadi took a good half hour walk the long way round to get home, after dropping off the bus by the railway tracks to malaysia. and well, i think i've sorted most things out. a pained part of me will always, always be waiting and praying for the opportunity to make things go back to how they were, but my conscious, constant self can't believe in that all the time. it's too rending to the sight and faith. i need to keep believing in people, so this all never happened. don't even talk to me about denial, friend. this never happened.
oh, and all this except the last few lines apply to more than just one thing. they are very recent, not so recent, feels-recent-to-me-but-i-guess-it-isn't-really. haha, this is so pathetically cheesy and melodramatic, but this is the world i live in. we all live in our own worlds, don't we, haha. maybe it's true that the real world is just a proxy. like how i was a proxy in your life, to others. a proxy of experience.
i'm going to, stop thinking about it. yes, i have vision, i'm not a aimless drifting character in the story, haha. so let me forget that this was part of the story and continue with things immaterial until i can bear it again. i have essays to write, equations to complete, theses to research for, training schedules to observe, drafts to finish drawing, portfolio to compile. i'll wait for it to come.. i'll wait for it to come.
oh and on that note i lie to my constant conscious self that i have snapped out of it, haha. friends are too good. mm yes, in this and only this sort of situation, i give my complete blessing, haha. i'm too deadened to feel so foolishly about this sort of thing now, though i'm not so unconcerned as not to feel happy for anything that can go right, nor so insensate as not to feel a certain tinge of jealousy. i accept the mistaken attribute, hahhaha, i'll gladly do a harry truman if it'll make me a better man. the buck stops here: i have high standards, right? so it is, so it shall be.
thank you, friends, for the day (:
thank you Lord, for the friends.
i'm begging, haha. come talk to me and tell me what's running through your mind, and what was, if you can. i'd really rather it so.
otherwise, let me live.
Friday, February 08, 2008
tranquil as concrete •isn't morning such a peaceful time.
like the flame from a (hydrocarbon) torch.
8.52am 今早的感觉真像小时候，当小孩所做的事事都 对世界与他所爱的人 无关紧要。
like an acrylic shard. how it says, there's nothing to see here, i'm really truly empty and good for nothing, see.
9.07am oh, i don't know what it is like to swim through chocolate, or how it feels to walk sadness. but i do think i know how to rain
Thursday, February 07, 2008
grandkids by 50 •(this was just so full of bittergourd that i'd
have i mentioned it before? haha.
今年初一还过得去，虽然大部分是因为到了母亲的娘家见了奶奶。她一年比一年样子变得更健康更开心，it gives me a funny feeling inside. makes me wish that she would move nearer to our side of the island so i could visit her so much more often, that i could talk with her in the hokkien that i don't know and tell her about the inconsequential things we young'uns do with our time and the nonsensical romantic ideas and antics that we get up to that she would tsk tsk tsk about to me all afternoon, any afternoon, and i would only laugh along, hahhaa..
老父家是另外一回事了。grandfather never lets a hint of what he's feeling get to his face，而婆婆与四五年前比起好像完全变了人似的。或许这就是所谓的 人生一路灾难 把一个人心中 真正是怎么样的都显示出来。但 我对她而她所做的还是又埋怨又是心痛。。。 这就是让我对未来的家庭，有的期望那么无情地高尚的原因。haha. but maybe i'm just romanticizing everything eh? every family has their problems.
还有另外的呐。这是我刚才对自己说的: 万事 都要彼此。这不 是我自己想要的。但我总是觉得我实在是在缠着各位。哈哈! 看我这个样子，真是太可笑了。我的确是太习惯某种方法过着日子了。能怪我无法适应吗。真是可怜。大男子汉一点气质都没。
嗨，真是的 - 意思是，无论你会怎么说我心中还是知道我为何行为这样:实在是太丢脸了。人家生活过得快快乐乐的，这傻脑袋还总是在胡思乱想。我是 过的还可以。hahaha look at me go on and on.
the stupid thing about philosophy is how only those who have learned it all, then forsaken it for the simple and honest life are those understood to truly have gone through the process and come out wiser for it. those who "realize earlier before wasting all that time reading long extended monologues about insignificant human thoughts and how it all works" are just ignorant lazy bastards who think they know everything. no, i don't really find kant and nietzsche fascinating, though i could go through their arguments and debates with you all day if i bothered. so judge me.
yeah, i'm in a rubbishy mood. i thought the past few days were nice, because of conversations, but obviously my subconsciousness or whatever it wants to call itself has other ideas, and actually these few days have been utterly rubbishy, like that exhibition i went to during the singapore art festival last year. supposedly oh so creative and unique and oddly, cutely-ugly-but-adorably beautiful like the sunflower made from the metal lid of a trash can.
with every line and every paragraph i only get more angry at the doubt that's resultant of that. yes, i do think i blame all the doubt that floats like debris in the singapore river and the fish tank of my life on that. so i'm a selfish little idiot who'd rather be self-absorbed out of reality. fsk ! flutterby! _ _ _ _! *. i blame beauty itself, i blame moments. i blame not growing up properly like a real boy. i blame singing.
sweat doesn't even water the smoldering grass for a microsecond, cause of the puny frame. there's no kick in breaking things. i don't want to be this way! like a goldfish in a bowl of hot soup, for a brief moment - get me out of this frame of mind, this ugh.
no, actually. i'm pretty sure it's just me.
God help me.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
special people •5 days of distance begin to-day.
it's quite ironic. i can't really just come out and say it, you know, haha. but it's something that i'm sure some folks can see. anyway, i'm hurt, because. i'm angry because, i'm irrationally angry. deep breaths.
folks have been unwell. physically, emotionally. i can still say, take care, friends.. haha. two empty benches on monday afternoon were a testament to the school on that.. the way they are of something else, every other day. and every time i take a deep breath i'm reminded of the decision to be made.
oh, it's a small matter, comparatively. mm, i've decided to wait. these five days were meant to be for catching up with all those tutorials and studying. plus it's on and off, i can still lie to myself that i may just be imagining things and being paranoid, so i'm just going to wait till after, then i'll see how. this will NOT affect trip. whatever my course of actions must be.. i only pray that i'll get to go, and sing.
today everyone vanished, then everyone appeared, then vanished. it was nice, but i'm plagued by doubt when i allow myself to think, hahhaha, tell me not to think. a nice concept popped into my head, a solution to a imaginary problem. i took the time to draw it out nicely: it actually felt good, haha.. i never have the time for these things, to do random reading and research and document special little pictures that pop into mind.
another special thing about architecture is how every once in a while, oh such a long while, there are a few things that pop in and, are actually beautiful forever. it's a unique kind of beautful: the scene is unfulfilled, misty and full of uncertainty, what color is it, where does it begin or end? it's a vague sort of beauty that is only when you are actually there, then you stop to examine the surface that you sit on and everyone around you, everyone there with you vanishes and oh, you're not there anymore.
but there's no doubt about it, though you don't know what it was or how it was like in any way but the most dreamy and leaf-like. the built form.. can only give this sort of emotion if you linger, and if there are people. and the very introduction of people introduces so much.. of such a different beauty, you wonder how they co-exist and amplify one another so.
i can't really call so many people anymore. now that my head is a little more clear, now, this year when the cloud of trauma has settled into the dust layer of pseudo-indifference, aching quasi-acceptance. how one year could be so devastating. all the time, all the distance. it's just been too long? what can i say. people change.
no, actually. it's probably just revelation. we never treasured anything we had enough - that's what i believe. and the most important thing, now, could just fall prey. i refuse to predict anything. the self-fulfilling prophecy is in our hearts, or it isn't.
bleargh. why can't i believe that actually, every word could be just as sincere?
wasn't i once that way.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
that certain night •feeling really lethargic now. have not had an appetite all day. grr.
camp is over. so many thing happened that i'm not saying, it'd been the usual roller-coaster ride of mixed feelings, but in the end sitting at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for our rides, with whoever was there too - deb, kialiang, suet, julian, quanquan - made it alright.
this will be a happy post, haha. i declare it so. i learned about people, things that i didn't know before. it was the little things. isaac, suet, julian, bennett. i blame the distance, and how i am. but i'm really thankful for how we are, can i say we? it's quiet scary to declare how beautiful a people is after a while. but i have to say i feel a lot, even though i shouldn't really dare to.
chorale really is the only thing in my life now. which comes pretty hard, because i doubt affiliations; they're so much more tenuous than personal relationships, which in themselves are already so fragile unless well-used. i'm grateful for geoffrey, for all this time, really. i thank God, and circumstances, and commitment.
other than that, all my personal relationships now feel so useless all of a sudden. all of them others now. so tender and wisp-like, like if someone drew a breath out of turn it all wouldn't really matter. which totally sucks. i blame who i am, dammit.
(food for thought, wenyi, hahhaha). i'm running too many processes at once at any one time, and they're all core programs that support the system. the whole system engine's coding is very poorly written, from trial and error, resulting in this convoluted mess that just begins to overheat handling the most mundane affairs(they must be) the cooling system must be really God-given or something. i googled local student psychiatric help just a while ago, hahha. damn. i'm not some wilting stalk. i don't really want a shrink.
this really was the first of the lasts. past half a year with just our batch was amazing. we've had last practice with just us, we've had our last camp. i refuse to begin listing the other lasts - but this whole experience carries undertones of the experience i get every time after a particularly good concert, or after that special camp at st.johns'.
it's a more recent thing, but events associate themselves with songs. events that matter so much, they're quite surreal to recall -
There's plenty of time left tonightahh.
yeah, i think that's all that can be said here.