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the continuous chain
Saturday, June 30, 2007
from the eyes of our youth, the world is beautiful. everything's still ahead of us, so many opportunities, so much love going around. we live day by day in the small subconscious knowledge that whilst each and every little thing we do now could affect how we will live our lives, we know that however it turns out, it's not the path but how it's walked that determines our happiness.
of course there are countless times in childhood when we've wept the unfairness of this world, of others and the tragedies that they cannot escape, of the pain that others do not pretend to bear heroically. the poor, the afflicted, the lost. our pain is small compared to theirs, we say. what is our pain? our worlds are complete.
inevitably, however, worlds are distant, and we live in small, bright circles, and even all that we hear is actually from the inside. so people say, what a perfect life you've got. you've always got loved ones to comfort you when you're unhappy, you know yourself that even materially you are blessed. and besides, what do you know of suffering? you have never experienced it in your heart and mind, even if the situation presented itself physically.
the answer to the voice is clear; but isn't it all subjective? if you choose to look upon the world as a place of tragedy and unhappiness, then so will it seem to you, as your will imposes itself upon your mind. my happiness is from within, and my childish troubles i push aside and embrace what gives me joy, for isn't that what we desire?
still you cannot excuse that circumstances differ for every one; though a child in happy poverty may live out a life as full as a city kid, can you fairly claim that a man blinded and crippled, in pain for all of his time has the same capacity for contentment? is it not actually then all down to the power of one's will, to live an abundant life besides? and even so the consciousness of the pain remains present to one's mind, even though it be pushed to a small corner? so it is easier for some and less so for other men; let this be accepted by all.
how then have we the right to make other people's lives less bearable? the power is given unto us to comfort and delight or to add to what large or small affliction our friends bear. it's often told of the foolishness of trying to please all, and that of constant anxiety of hurting others. yet how often do we revel in our private, exclusive happiness and put aside others who do care for us. so what are we to do? for surely honest men have seen both sides of this coin before..?
friedemann is not emo this night, or morning, if you would have it, but is rather thoughtless to choose this moment to consider such things whilst friends do live in peace for a time. and withal, he feels no quiet moroseness over these things at this time, but stark silence within, and perhaps small quiet resignation somewhere, meant to be forgotten.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
a lot of times things earthshaking happen, and people around just seem unmoved by it. take a step back and you see maybe it somehow didn't hit them that hard, butbutbut.. things that seem so universal, but perhaps people are just numb to it, it happens too often. we lose people who we care about along the way. They say every year someone from each of the raffles schools dies in an accident. and then there are those who don't. we just live too far away from the world sometimes..
then smack in the middle of exam time, whining away how i wish i was done with JC, wanna move on to long term stuff, stuff that will last a lifetime and more.. but now with a mantle of stress moved a little further down the road, really, crap this year is passing way too fast. we don't even know one another, hahhaha. and next year will be uber short, there's so much to do.
stupid as it is to say it, i have to say i appreciate these CTs. it's a wakeup call, to be sure, for ahemcertainsubject(s), and morale booster in some ways too. hehh, so i'm not really that dumb. i get the feeling i'd have done a lot better as a humans student, but ah well, challenges and dreams. both are fun. CTs have brought people together in a small way too, so i'm thankful. but as always, not to hope too much, hm.
checklist of stuff to do:
->> Finish chem and physics CTs
->> Take AO chinese oral and listening exam on friday
->> Do art journal(complete POD and full analysis with examples formally analyzed of all time periods up till romantic/ if got time do impressionism)
->> Enquire about St.johns' for post promos class camp!
->> Start wondering about JC'07
->> Own PW and Chinese and Promos
->> Pick up christian piano again
->> Start training like properly for PE A levels
->> mug damn hard
->> wonder about SATs
->> mug even harder
->> play frisbee
->> cleanup and do more designs
->> pwnz chorale overseas competition
->> pwnz SATs
->> take driving lessons+exam
->> pwnz CTs(both of them!)
->> pwnz A levels
->> basically pwnz everything =)
->> learn jap
->> learn much other stuff that i wanna learn
->> Saves moneys
->> go UoT *fingers crossed
yeah see, so simple =) hahhaahha.. onward and upward..!
Saturday, June 23, 2007
maybe it's caused i'm intrigued by the idea of a society where all the world is, deeply and intensely, a stage, and nobody tries to pretend otherwise, haha. you could say it's refreshingly.. brutal. but only in facing things head on we get the most satisfying answers and experiences, if only once in a while, hmm?
i'd say it would settle into an unhappy stalemate. well, an opportunity for me to refine self-control and self-consciousness. so much for, all that. perhaps after? hm. shall see, won't we.
see, we all need someone to make us happy. how the heck else did you think you would end up to be..? by yourself?
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
take a walk for a bit too long •
sometimes i guess it really is up to you to step out and do the little things that you want to do with your life to make it that much closer to the ideal you've got in mind. presuming, of course, you have such a dream. but either way, baby steps will make the picture fuller, whether or not you have the whole thing in sight already, haha.. =)
but time is so shooort, we always realize things far too late. all the opportunities missed. and so all the opportunities we will miss. what's to be done..? only by those who can. sometimes, i guess, hands are tied. just do the best there can be for what He's placed within our power. but make sure to do that much, hehh. try and try.
in the end, after all, when we grow up into the "real world", the big bad adult world with work and families and politics and health problems, our world will be made up of only so many people who we know so little of, who will stay close to us, who we'll stay close to. it's always a small world. so the quicker to get there, and the quicker to love, hehh.
Monday, June 18, 2007
sometimes there are things that one struggles to come to terms with, and then all around there are people who just aren't making it easy, who continue in the old way.. then the questions; so which way is right? it the new way but blasphemy? so quickly dismissed.
appearances seem to mean more and more. after all, what do i know of people, but by how they appear? and conversely. so is one to say, so be it? if what i seek is approval, then aye. they say it is yet early for such and such thing; so be it. help me then to direct my full efforts on the things that are not..
what is peace, and what is strength of mind? to do certain things, and to feel certain things. i do seek approval, from diverse parties, divine and beloved. so pray let it be that where peace does forsake me, strength of mind will hold.. listening hard and speaking, asking about promises. throwing out and reaching for something with faith, that is faith. trying to give even more, because deed will magnify love.
certain things are not young in their time, and heart would fain be distracted by ideals of what is yet to be. how to do what is right and good? then to do what is necessary.. wragh. forsooth, to only have an infallible method to cast aside vain and fruitless absorption in things my hand and mind are inept to address. i must to work.
to raise a flame from cinders is ostensibly harder than making it stay while it lasts, but since time passes indifferently, i'd take comfort in that they say, it only take a spark, to get the fire going.
perchance we make give such a small star life in our time yet.
Friday, June 15, 2007
gaspshockstunnationnessness •behold i shall humor you all with inane stupidity for once this year..!
haircuts are becoming something of a ritual. like going to shave and become a monk or something. so, a tribute to something i will never properly own until i'm like studying again after this all -
today was foolishness, lol. i fail once again to cure the screwed up sleeping hours, so i think i shall resign myself to it or something and try to make better use of those hours in the early morning. go watch people busking, then SOME people like close shop just when limbei arrive to listen to them. so haiz, lost chance to eat ice cream and mock them, lol. then some people still leg picha go and sing, some people performance day get ear infection -.-
kwoks:i'm damn cold!
kwoks: i will not say fried is atsukunai
i will not say fried is atsukunai
i will not say fried is atsukunai
makes -.- face so friedemann will never have a proper photo FOR EVER AND EVER.
gives plenty of hard feelings, to be sure
when you're dancing
can i make a bad pun?
can i whine?
there will always be problems, hehh.
right now still hanging on. aiyah, don't think there'll be too much of a problem.. but i begin to wonder about next year's trip. what's to be done. hahhhaha. not to worry, i will go.
workworkwork. nothing left to be said. i know it's for my own good, but i wish my chinese teach would stop threatening me with teh l33t p0wder of the school admin.
i'm right tired of it all. it's two things, studies and dreams aside. ok fine, not aside, cause it's all interlinked, but still. i'm about ready to use this cloud of haziness as an excuse to just do stuff, because otherwise i'd be stunned into inaction. to make a few mistakes. taking risks, haha. but if only the door wasn't closed yet.
that's the way we get by~
Thursday, June 14, 2007
fiskreed. •i don't even like the songs i write.
so the bin fills up.
so the pad runs thin.
in then end it' still illusions that keep one walking. that i'll work things out in the future so things that i'm unhappy with now won't matter.
when all the while i know that i don't get over stuff.
when a part of me starts asking, what did i ever do, what did they ever do to deserve that which they have, that has been denied me and rubbed in my face? i know what He has said about it. i know what's right. but it doesn't really change what's turning inside.
too many reminders of things i've lost!
and then you're so happy there with you and them
hallo! i want you to be happy.
what's wrong then.
down to the tarmac
hold your breath
every song a stab
everything's become nothing
nothing is that one thing-
that one thing that was all i
down on the tarmac
waiting for autumn's end
how do you forgive me? knowing what i believe, then what i do? or do not?
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
I seem to recall some moments
Long ago when you would understand
Now together we’ve one another
Your picture’s just another scrap on my hand
I turned and threw out a tune
He said to me
That sort’s just overdone
Looked around shrugged at one another
Perhaps it’s ‘cause
These situations just come
She’s out of our lives we’re broken
Oh no look what you have done
You walked off remorseless so now
Look at me this is what we’ve become
Finished school got a job got love now
It really is all inside of your mind
Dirty kids they the smooth operators
Them nasty girls we’ve left them all behind
Whose garage were we jammin’ in
When royce turned round
And said “I wonder how
Things’d have turned out if we had given
just one more chance”
Riding home past the empty sidewalk
Head in my hands
(spoken)‘twas over when we said
i've got the music and lyriics..
let's do this.
i don't even know what i'm venting anymore.
wednesday the thirteenth, june ‘07
got a haircut, thinking about how many years down the road?
when i should be in japan, an architect, racing down the roads on blades and briefcase with my dog behind me
where would you be then?
And where would i?
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
messierthannormal. •losing our identity
filler to change the topic for a second
because what i need to say won't even form properly in my mind.
*two-ten am, only other person online(nikki) went off, i'm outta here too.
after everything, perhaps it's a matter of, getting tired of having to look at all the possibilities for life and could-have-beens straight on every day, when i see your faces. maybe it's a matter of wanting to choose one, choose one, then get ready to run away. choose one that won't leave any regrets, because we're tired people who already love so many people every day, and it's just tiring living life without that poetry that's supposed to be just ahead of us, coming right at us but not quite here yet..
which poor soul said distance makes the heart grow fonder?
to have made it a reality.. wgrah.
maybe it's a matter of knowing that there are immature moments, influenced, encouraged?
maybe just tired of singing about childhood lost in twenty-one different songs.
just go back to being a child again and be done with it.
ticktock tick-tock. things will happen anyway.
make it beautiful. make it eternal.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. •ticktock tick tock shoobeedoowap 一分钟//最后一分钟 ~
tis the season for random rants pieces together from here and there..
sometimes we're just too inconsiderate for our own good.. and the whole effect just keeps bouncing back and forth. a little drink, to what effect, at what risk? i'd not say anything, because it'd do no good, and at least i'm there for whoever.. i don't know. maybe sometimes we just don't take enough care of ourselves. when you do stuff, you just say, hey, it's me, i can do whatever, but you don't even stop to think of the hurt you cause those who care when they see you in such a state, in whatever state.
pebble muse oh pebble musecontemplating how much i've changed since. 话到此处，真的不知道该让自己相信什么, 觉得怎样。我可以创个说法吗?──文人二败无三误。即使我肯，还是心有佘而力不足。。哈。其实这么说也不太准确; 是心有意而力不足，而话中的“力”也是心性的力。说，一个人能不能长大成无法为另一个人而放弃全世界，放弃所有其他的人的地步？无此形的爱，还剩下什么，你说。无完整的爱，单方的爱。说是成熟而失去无知的爱也不是; 但我可知的是，其实，全都怪你。让我长大得太突然，让我在那么关键的时刻开始问那些改变生命的问题。在无数的可能性中，情况偏偏选择这样地发展; 谁有那能力量去改变它？如今我已无话可说。
in so many ways, really. unwanted, hahaha. experienced both ways, it's always awkward. maybe it's harsh to say it that way, but really sometimes you wonder how come things work that way. ah well. it's a topic that can never be run into the ground, if people are willing to talk about it in the first place. so whatever.
weektwo weektwo hullo weektwo. who was it who said hello was just hell with an o behind it? lol.. that i started spelling it otherwise. dumdeedum.
like a scanner, deciding what you like and what you don't. what they called the paper prince, always right but never enough.
but people are so reluctant to show approval anyway. i think that's how it works; somehow we're afraid to give praise, even when deserved.. why? because we're afraid people will think they're better than the ones giving the praise? or whatever? frankly i don't know. but it's so. and in the midst of it all we all hunger for approval from those we care about. and we're so slow to give it. what is love?
i'm just about burnt out now, it's getting to be two in the morning. time for hot chocolate and bed.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
•thousands of kilometres is one thing, but if any shit is given, there'll be hell to pay. well, motivation to hurry up and invent the teleportation device i've been meaning to since primary school already.
nothing else to say, yupp. mildly irritated, mildly because i can't describe exactly why, so i'm holding off being irritated properly yay. see smartness.
now i know why people generally don't like shrinks. cause they make you feel like they care, but inside your mind's screaming to you, no she doesn't, no she doesn't. it's for themselves.
who are you supposed to listen to?
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
what you missed. •when we troop back
and sit you down over a cup of coffee(without suger)
you'll never understand what
when we said
you don't know what you missed
when you missed the sunrise.
we never really saw it ourselves.
photos and blah here, to avoid clogging the chorale blog, and so that i have a little literary freedom, lol. photography really is all that.. but i'll never afford the equipment, haha. a little metal case.
anyway, it's over now, and there's the tinge of that feeling from after great performances and art that makes me want to tear worlds to shreds in regret, but only that tinge. we already know what lies before us. let's just do it..
so many things seem decided already, by some unconscious phantom, freak of humanity writing the scripts of our combined lives. i could almost ready myself to reach out beyond regret.
let the play begin.
Saturday, June 02, 2007
watch me go poof •taking a step back and looking again at it all, going away may not be such a bad thing when the time comes. from where i'm standing now, at least.
stare hard enough at things, and really, only one would make me falter from just picking up the dice and making a new throw. so many things seem so far away, like we're just taking one another as temporary comforts, and not even always. it's like we don't really believe each other exists. i don't know. maybe it'd be easier to bear if i was in a situation where i believed people were just supposed to be like that, for some reason or another.
i'd like to actually live for a change, and feel the life of people around me.