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Sunday, December 23, 2007
checking my shoelaces standing beside you •
when i blog, the words tend to come out pretty odd.. but that's probably 'cause most of the time when i blog, i'm not feeling anything in particular very strongly. if you find yourself lost in the nonsensical rhetoric, that's probably what i'm experiencing too. when i'm done.. whatever i write gives back the feeling i'm experiencing then, so rereading it gives me a taste of what i was feeling then. maybe, hopefully, it does for you too. then you'll notice how confused i'm feeling a lot of the time when i write.for a while there i was feeling a little calmer.. like there was only one thing to think about. then i started singing, haha. if i could only think of one thing right now.. it wouldn't be the same thing as what had always occupied me this season for the previous years. that thought ends there. it's not entirely a conscious choice, you don't have to speculate or convince me of anything, cause i'm not saying i've decided that it was one way or another. i've decided that i don't know and it's probably going to leave a scar, but some part of me is moving on and i'm not sure i like it. or don't. maybe it was true, what- whose mother? -said about me. but this wasn't part of any plan. i'm no rayne summers. there's one paragraph that, out of everyone who will see it, i'm probably the only one who will understand, haha. humor me. but seriously, the whole messy thing is all me. i suck at planning details, if you hadn't noticed. i put folks into jazz. but i'm not going to play around.. i just won't let me see whatever i shouldn't, want what i can't. i can't want anything now. convince me otherwise. but the whole messy thing really doesn't work for me. for no good reason i believe everything should be felt at it's truest, if at all. there's an archetype for emotions in the city and in desert oases and in north european townships.. so to make yourself feel only happy always.. and only one type of gladness, it's self-deprivation of the complete human experience. it's a sad pampered world-view, but i'm a sad little protected city kid. but that's another story altogether. i try pretty hard to appear calm sometimes. don't ask me why, but something about my human experience has just made me value this facade more, at this point in my life. and of course a lot of times we don't appear like we think we do. so people change. beliefs change, anyway. but the point is, calm is just something i'm not. a lot of the time when i'm not, i'm a very confused person.. what are people thinking now, feeling now? a lot of questions, conflicting emotions. anger runs deep and strong in my family. we do very well at experiencing and expressing the archetype for anger. so i try to avoid it before those i care about. it's always a struggle, and i'm not a nameless philanthropist. it's not easy. when i'm glad, the calm comes for a while. usually after that it's a mix of certain, no elaboration. when i'm excited, little else matters. safety of everyone.. it's another thing that's implanted. hahh, i'm giving myself a headache, thinking clearly. this i'm sorry, but i can't sing for you this december. please, please, do ask something else.. 11:05 pm |