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the continuous chain
Sunday, February 26, 2006
•at least see that it's poetry of sorts, and of different spirits..
"对于你的疑问, 我只能说到: 她是谁, 我相信她自己知道。就给她一点时间去想一下吧,也给我一点时间去想, 去检查自己, 因为在这种两人之间的关联, 第二最怕的是发现自己不是真心的。"
what do you mean? maybe nothing, but i'm interested in how you feel. maybe you're not too sure yourself, but i just want to find out, somehow.. maybe not for the right reasons, but it is because i want to get closer, to know you better. maybe you can understand why i feel this way, then.
the most familiar places are those you've imagined yourself in the most.. but it's just not that way with people. everything you can imagine, dream up about someone is just based on what you knew and felt in the first place, but in the end it feels like you've learnt something from the experience. that's why it's so misleading. the fact is that all you've learnt is how you really saw a person in the first place, but reality wouldn't let you realize.
haiz.. leaving inner conflict behind, the first quater is almost over.. time just passes too quickly. it's cliche, but i wish i could make more of the time i have now, in the sense of being with certain groups of people more, doing more stuff together. but there's always some excuse; school is just too much now, what with dumb ol choir that just isn't making enough progress, if any at all. feels like such a waste of time most sessions now, cause they just screw up completely simply cause they're not devoted to the music. only so few of them are. i'm just glad right now i've got an opportunity to work with these people and make a little music. maybe in the end i'll try to arrange a recording. four years passed too quickly; this year is the best, in a way because i got to know my batchmates better. still missing arthur and co though.. haha..
happy first month for huiqi jie's baby girl.. lol.. really quite wierd, because really haven't seen her or talked for so long. realized i haven't even asked her what the girl's name is.. haha..
trying to get past these stages of vagueness.. feeling quite lethargic. want to get ns over with and get to specialized learning.. haha.. the things one can do alone are actually quite limited, especially what with the prices of books nowadays.. realized kino has a whole section devoted to architecture.. lol.. thank you, japs.. but they're really quite expensive, and some aren't really all that. oh well. was much ado about nothing.
church choir is the usual, and they did the poster things today. to quote, it's actually quite freaky.. eyes, including single ones pasted all over sheets of paper. but it gets the job done.. lol.. i'm really in no position to comment, am i.. haha..
aguss still hasn't replied, so all my plans for tomorrow are going down the drain, i guess.. haiz. gonna end up wasting another 4 hours. stupidity.
oh well. that's all then. pray for me, as i pray for you.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
•i don't know what to think anymore. it's happened before, but please don't let it happen again. don't just let it come full circle again. i don't really understand what's happening to you.. all i can do is pray.
every night, listening to my music on the radio, just get that feeling.. dreaming of the things we could do together. but we can't, because this is the real world. ... i want to make things different for us, if only once in a while for a while, but even if i try, things still may not be that way, because we're just not like that. it's just not that way between us. i don't know what i should do.. do i really just want to desire it? i don't think i'm afraid that it's all just a pretty picture, and that in real life it'll be a disappointment.. but i am afraid that we won't be like that. because we don't have this kind of relationship. music only i can listen in my head, in my space. feelings that nobody can understand, because i fail. i lose; i lost before anything happened.
it's like a design i can make out in my head, but i just can't draw out, can't build, because it's in pieces, it's cloudy dream places, places too perfect. when i try to make them into real places that i can put onto paper, they become all too real, too fabricated.. it's tainted. by me.
it's like how i just pull back. maybe sometimes it's out, but i see and i hear, and i feel and i withdraw. feelings can't be too accurate, or the world would just be too cruel.. but as all of you are laughing and rowderizing and boisterizing over there in your happy place, i just can't enter in. i have to go away, stay another place. it just feels wrong. but then it can't be right to feel sorry for yourself. so i try not to. it's easier to blame without apology anyway.
you and you and you aside, the bunch of you can't be at fault. you're all so happy, and i know i should be happy because of that. and i am; but i'm just not happy in some other way. maybe a bit cause i can't be a part of it, for no real reason, just feelings.. but all of you can't be at fault, so it's me then.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
•can u just shut up. stop it.
i can't do anything, and you're making it worse.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
•nothing much. went down to borders to find a book(tropical modern), den went kino, found it there, realized it wasn't really all that. found a bunch of books at kino that were all that, but all of them are like so ex lorh. nvmind. next time.
just a snippet.
spread.. fun game.. haha..
something that i forgot to mention about that saturday was how there were like, so many people asking directions. as we were leaving school, there was this old lady asking where to go to take bus 163 in cantonese, and nobody understood her except me, and i can't really speak it that well, so.. well basically i struggled along, but then she suddenly decided she didn't want to take 163 anymore. she wanted to go to some temple. so we assumed it was the one in the collumbarium, so we told her to go in, but she kept pointing to the school for no discernable reason. anyways, as we edged her toward the collumbarium some guy came out whom apparently recognized her, so we just left her in his capable hands. yepp.
then after that at dhoby ghaut somebody came and asked me how to go to Buangkok. first thing tt came to mind was the previous episode, then "tourist".. some feller with nothing better to do and want to go and check the place out. anyway just pointed and this one went her way. hahh.. to say nothing of the fact that both of them were ladies, middle and old aged. it's not quite fair to judge anyone based on two examples is it. but on a separate note it's quite interesting to observe how many stupid "professionals" make such conclusions.
basically today was quite random. after my bookhunt which resulted in otherwise emptyhandedness, went to bugis cause geof wanted to find a bag. he didn't buy any. hahh.. whatever. anyways went back early. yay. whatever.
okae. that's all.
Saturday, February 18, 2006
something from machall, after not visiting for a long time.. i shall say nothing on the subject..
today was the second saturday forced to waste the whole day.. more or less.. vocal training for the sec ones in the morning.. then com meeting(v short one this time), and lunch.. lol.. forgot to bring money again, so just got anything. the bad news is i'm not doing too much to the sec ones. i'm not really a descripty explainy teachy sort of person. i can do it.. but i just can't get the idea across too well. oh well. at least i managed some of them. noone else in the com is too good at descripty explainy teachy, it seems, cause most of the sec ones really didn't improve that much today.. but i'm happy, cause one of them did, that i know of, anyways. haha. it's something.
then one hour to go down to church, cause by the time everything was over, it was like 1.30pm, and it would have been pointless to go home then out again. so off to church. attempted to do da guitar homework thing, but failed miserably. bored self by playing same things over and over and over.. realized it's quite nice sitting right at the back, went 0.o at the 3xtrEme makeover of the junior chapel room, went for choir in audi. scrwed up solo again, get depressed cause church choir really isn't progressing anywhere imho. some wld say it's not nice to say that, which is why i'm not saying it. i'm posting it discreetly on my pubic domain blog which you are not obliged to read and get offended over.
whole grain toast is better than regular toast. it stays toastier, longer. i mean, crispier. or something. a lot of people(okae not a lot, but most that know) are pretty surprised by the fact that i do chinese pop more than engligh. maybe it's the RI effect thing. i dunno. i just like chinese for music. the dang language itself is art, man. yeah. it's just that the country is so HUGE, it kinda loses the novelty. or rather, it never has too much novelty, unlike japan or korea. too many dang chinese running over the whole world =)
running out of time(again). i've been using a lot of brackets this post, no? just now in a random spasm spastic conversation with david, i went, Where is your dog?? and he was like, A dog i do not have, or something like that. the point is he didn't say i don't have a dog. he said something else. yeah.
a nice new song courtesy of me chinese teacher. was some assignment on our outlook on love. the perks of doing regular chinese rather than higher =) you can keep your china history.. haha.. anyways this song is really kinda what i feel in some funny way.
before the lyrics some dang nice pics of a dang nice house that i found while researching for my project. i wish i thought of that design man.
Monday, February 13, 2006
trying to be more optimistic about it all today, what made it happen was probably her.. lol.. what is it with the lose super messy hair with people these days. just saw yesterday, and when she suddenly turned up looking like that, had to hide my face and laugh silently.. haha.. i guess she's getting ready for tmr. we never talk.. haha.. but maybe she smiled when she saw my reaction.. lol..
SS project presentation today, that rawking website tt i took weeks to organize and clean up.. aguss bagus comes and tells me website is not graded.. haiz.. but i gave him the CD anyway. maybe he'll take the time to look at it and give us a bit more marks.. haha..
food for thought was, preparing for the presention before recess, we were talking about the possibility of aguss not being able to make it today for various reason.. then jun da was like, fried, you can be damn pessimistic or optimistic huhh.. lol.. it's just my way i guess. extremes. but no boring stuff today. i can't take it.
practice today seemed better, to me anyway, prob cause they really sucked at the beginning then after like, forever, they started sounding kinda better.. but toh was all, i enjoyed practice two weeks ago so much more than today, and stuff.. lectured the SLs for a whole hour.. haiz. then kangjie was presented his ipod shuffle for his birthday today, and he kept going omg, ni men zhai shua wo ah.. haha.. tt's the nice effect from giving shuffles to people. this time i nv contribute.. didn't remember his bdae.. aww.. but gave b4. always the same reaction. =)
but even though, it's not that fun being SL.. it's just tricky. one person can't really play the goodguy-badguy game with these people.. how do you be really friendly and relax one moment then angry-serious the next? haiz.. but today, just gave up and gave it to them lah. some people still want to bo chup. you continue you'll get it from me. i think choir peeps will know what kind of mood swings i can have best..
overall, it's a floaty invisible i don't exist kind of feeling, but i keep having to tell myself, aaaaargh, there's so much work, i have to get started NOW, i have to get started getting started NOW, i have to get started planning how to get started starting NOW, etc. yeah. but somehow things get done one by one. i just hope this keeps up.. i really need to do shuper well this year to make up for last year.. still can't forgive myself. but it's also partly their fault.. stupid never tell us sec 3 was counted 50% for JC admittion.. people taking O levels at least know tt O levels is all that matters. they only told us like, after we got back our results and saw how badly we screwed up.
on smaller issues, i want to print a different color of the new choir t-shirt.. their doing white and light blue on a dark blue base. i'm convinced green and alittle grey on a white base will be so much nicer, and even better if it's a white polo. therefore shall try to get a white polo and find some t-shirt printing shop to help me print one on a while polo first and show them how much nicer it is.. hurhur.. if they insist oso nevermind.. i get the nicer shirt. muaha.
Friday, February 10, 2006
•according to arnold i'm making this place too obvious. so i have to move or something.
and methinks it's time for skin change. maybe i'll edit the thinkquest skin some and use it. but prob not.
nonissue. it may be too obvious, but i just need to get this out.
okae. it's just that, how to do something? things inside are so difficult to communicate, and just sometimes, somehow, the things that seem to be what really needs to be just got out of the system.. just won't come. i can't express it. i have to think, what can i do? how can i do something to reach out, but then the voice inside is saying, you know that's not how it's supposed to be. things just come. they're supposed to. i mean, i don't know what i'm saying. ugh.
how do you say, i'm here just to listen and be there, when you're not there, and you aren't allowed to listen?
Wednesday, February 08, 2006
lol.. it's not really the bible in 50 words at all, but it's interesting.
dreamt again. those kind of dreams when i wake up and i feel i know someone better, but the truth is all i know is what i felt about that person subconciously or otherwise.. and deep down i know it, but want to deny it. want to make the closeness real, but what's holding back? pure foolishness? people declare that, make known your feelings, because you may not be alive tomorrow, and neither may they. but it's difficult to do.. for a lousy reason awkwardness holds one back. fear. of many things, rejection and difference in heart besides.
at the same time at loss of how to feel.. facing the glad hypocrisy of one whom i care about. maybe it wasn't hard to imagine, but is guilt mine for not guiding? so much for "brother".
but such things are so subjective. who can say they aren't a hypocrite in some way or another. it's hard to say. perhaps it's simply cause the observer sees more.
on the more mundane side of life.. what is there to say. school is boring, clearing the projects one by one; for now, faster than the teachers can mete them out.. but for how long? and even as i clear one of the other, a bunch of others are all due at the same time and all demand immediate attention. huhh.
oh. i grew one whole cm in a year. officially 172. blahh. feels like i'm shrinking. everyone's going towards the 180s.
fed up with my shoes. no more of those lousy things. i'm running in school white from now on. even those are better than those pathetic things.
still need a bag, want to learn electric, but from whence comes the equip? aucoustic first, they said, and so i do. drums are planned to follow; details are conviniently avoided deep thought. camping is found to be illegal on st. john's unless you pay a few hundred dollars for a couple comy nights. music supply is cut, want to get a new phone but the nice ones are so ex; typical. truth or dare whilst "doing project work", nobody bothers to ask personal questions, cause nobody in school really knows my private life, and etc. haha. mystery, no. leads to wierd feelings sometimes.
overambitious in planning spending, reluctant when the time comes; future projects demand attention, discouragement from being forced to compete in the under-19 category. not much a chance of coming close to winning? too bad i'm born so early in the year. trying anyway. looking for backup plan. hurhur. cable about to be cut aloneside internet; i don't watch much TV anyway. it'll keep david from wasting some of his time, maybe, but he'll probably find other ways to waste his childhood away. hahaha. ain't i sounding like an old man already.
valentines approaches facing nearly as much apprehention as christmas, but it'll pass. it's only been 2 years. freedom is not always as much as they put it up to be, but one gets on. many people's birthdays approach, not so many of which one is close to; but of course some whom undergo invisible concern.. sadly? would it be better for either to know that one cares, and one didn't know? people don't receive this kind of information easily, and it's not easy to give. regret will come later. is that good or is it bad.
hopefully acing philo; looks like i'm going to be stuck with 2 more subjects than everyone else in JC anyway, thanks to chinese and my inability to take KI thanks to all the teachers conspiring not to let me get my GPA of 3.4 this year, despite "phenominal improvement in you work", quote math teacher, also form, mr beng hong. planning to take on too many CCAs in JC already, and more or less break too many committments. everything everywhere demands money; i have to pay to buy my own time now, only to be forced to use it to do schoolwork. the CEC is invested; the batch actually sang the institutional anthem outside of the now demolished hall. a step forward? mrandrews commends.
that must be about all for now; running out of random comments to post in random order. also running out of ideas of how to randomly arrange random comments. paradoxical/oxymoronic previous statement? defendent decines comment. rediculousness of article increases exponentially, especially since author in concern publishes pathetic spelling errors, adding to list of failures, including especially well-publicised "u fail math ah??" "yea." "oh."
even lamest comments have run short; author supposes that he should shut up now. sister demands help in maths. author figures he had better help himself as well; high weightage test on friday. departing now.
just when i though i had broken off writing in the third person. stupid.
Monday, February 06, 2006
•but seriously, it's 'cause things are somehow both too complicated now and too boring. nothing to do and too much to think about. that's confusing me in itself, really.
well not for the time maybe. triple the tests and projects due this and next week.
going 400m, triple jump and high jump for interhouse. never properly high-jumped in my life. haahh. stride away.
choir is getting more and more boring. lack of emotion, lack of excitement when they make the music. it's all so dead. plus it doesn't sounds good, technicalities and stuff. blahh. there are more important things.
i wish i could stay. think i'll just update this post later..
happy valentines and happy bdae val.