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Thursday, August 31, 2006
•new instrument! i want to learn the panpipes!! finally found out the name of the instrument that makes that dreamy sound.. haah.[/edit]
today was fun.. haah.. teacher's day celebs in sch was crap, but after that went
back.. we all bought some mashimaro thing for 陈老师 then went back first, cause of stupid bala. ah, then after that met up with her, talk a lot of crap. she looks like she's doing really great.. at peace with the world. haha.. but that's just me reading into it. but she really does look great.
after that went to CC to play bball in the rain, supposed to wait for yinghao to go get his bowling ball, but by the time he came back we were soaked so he went to bowl with chongchen and we continued. hah. quite fun. we really should do this more often. a lot more often. i'm weak after two months of various crap -.- but luckily my game's not as off as i expected it to be.. haha..
lol who am i kidding, it was really fun. hahAha.. hm. people who i don't feel judge me for the way i look, or the way i behave, come to think of it. that's how it feels anyway. people who just don't judge. i mean, you know, in that kind of way. we go, eh, why your shooting so zai, but that's another kind of judgement. lol.. and i don't mean just cause its a compliment therefore its good.
now that i'm back in uluville, somehow it seems my mom's more relaxed or something, doing stuff. we can actually talk, sometimes. but i'm probably shouldn't get my hopes up.. ah well. she keeps going on about how busy she is, and today she went down to my little bro's school and did some volunteer thing for the teacher's day celebrations. come back, talk some crap abt it.. hah. feels good to actually be able to talk. just.. probably shouldn't get too used to it, on a regular basis. these people.. fickle, and then when it comes, they hold grudges long.
ah.. on the flip side, as prem puts it, she talks to random people(something grownups do it seems). apparently she met sharon's mom, and now she's staying down the street in the neighbourhood. hm. seems a lot of people who i know(or am supposed to know) are suddenly staying nearby. makes me wonder how come i never see them.
holiday week is booked, but not fully, so i should probably fill up the loose ends with mugging, esp math. game with arnold, geof and jorel not booked yet, choralfest choirfour chalet, intending to hijack the tour-group-only choir prac and sit in the back for a while.. hope to add more get-togethers to the list.. help get me out of sick mode, ppl.. i don't need petting when i cough no more.
but i really love all you guys =) its great to have friends who just are, and don't judge on the.. shallower things.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
•it's probably not healthy to talk abt such things, but.. there are two things i've noticed tonight.
the first would be after i talked with geof. as rational as i want to seem, my way of thinking isn't really thinking at all. i have feelings, that are supported by certain arguments, and i hold my stand until i feel i cannot defend what i feel anymore. hm.
the second would be as i sat here and considered the things in my life now. looking back.. and then looking at the present, i've realized.. well, it's just how it seems to me, i don't know. it would appear that i've this penchant for getting people's hopes up, in whatever aspect.. then letting them down.
why am i such a disappointment to everyone..
Sunday, August 27, 2006
•speak about learning, and i'll tell you we're learning all the time. i'll think about all the things i want to learn, then i'll think about all the things i've experienced, and how i want to share it. but people don't want to be taught. people don't want to experience, to understand. just can't be bothered. they ask, why can't you just tell me? because if it could be told, we would never have dreams of travel.
as much as i want to learn and share, i want to learn even more, together. touch again the things that have touched me before, experience and evoke memories, breed new inspiration, new ideas. new places to think, new experiences with people from everywhere, or people who have been everywhere with me.. will there be such people? each experience is a new environment, and every new environment gives a new way of thinking, a new perspective on thoughts and life.
you said we'd take it that far, so i'll take a chance and abondan inhibitations, worries of accusing thoughts against.. because the hope you give me is that great.
do i have the right to hope for this much?
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
•ah hello. i'm back again to speak some intelligible english. feeling.. more at ease, compared to.. three weeks back. RE is coming to a close, it's not done with me yet, but i feel i've got it under control now. the end is at hand.. the good kind of end =) the kind of end that brings fresh starts with more hopes..
of late i've been really.. captivated by some people. we've really not done that much, but there's just something special. i can't help but expect that much from our future; because from where i'm standing, it all looks so beautiful. but there's something i still have to do.. i'm trying hard to do it. i need to get it said, and done, before i can live at ease.. with these friends, and with.. some other people whom i love and remember.. let this be the aim of my life. to complete this task, then i can live the rest of my days at peace with God.
walking back from school late, finally tasting home-cooked meals again as a result of the ulu-ness of the neighbourhood, staying out late with friends.. the sky where i live now is so emotive in the evening to the night. even as the sun abandons it, you can still see its face.. something that's more than can be said for certain people, whom i would wish the same.. david's playing some (useless) educational software on the laptop, parents messing around in their room. i'm designing the class t-shirt, as the school year ends and i get ready for a fresh start, despite the discouraging tale my seniors bring.. the hope lies in the thought, maybe it'll be different for me. i'll work hard for it.. i will.
as i learn more and more of the world, i come to love music more and more, but choir seems to become.. wierder. i'm not going for the overseas competition to austria and solvenia this december, because i don't have the money and of this wretched pneumothorax. i'm not to fly till next year at all, and flying anytime has the chance of making my lungs collapse just like that. takeoff, then i die. plus, no deepsea diving or mountain climbing, but even that isn't as devastating as not being able to go to places without the fear of waking up in a hospital with tubes stuck into me.
i'm waking up to my dream world, slowly, because i choose to live in such a world. the world as we see it is really just our imagination, because there are so many things that we don't see anyway, so i've decided to see the world like this. like this, i won't miss out on the things that i need to do, and i'll see the things that i want to see. that's zen, lol. like this, i can really love, everything.
ahh. but i really want to sing. it's just not fair, how westerners have such great voices.. i'll learn and see how. hahAaha..
Friday, August 18, 2006
•[ today is the day where dreaming ends. ]
sangiovese red moss covered green destroying black endless relentless blue tears the fabric rips the curls destroys the art that was all hers the newer paints that flayed the cloth absorb the tears that the singer dropped a cabinet filled yellow crumbling music broken hands sing ancient tunes italy cries the spanish bridegroom dies new bossa deplores YOUR PACT IS BROKENguitarisrippedyousongkillsspritsyourlookiseviliseefromyoureyes
se você disser que eu desafino amor
saiba que isto em mim provoca imensa dor
só previlegiados têm ouvido igual ao seu
su possuo apenas o que Deus me deu
se você insiste em classificar
como o meu comportamento de anti-musical
no lhes vou mentir, até vou comentar
que isso é bossa-nova
que isso é muito natural
que você no sabe nem sequer pressente
é que os desafinados também têm um cora?
fotografei você na minha role-flix
revelou-se a sua enorme ingratid?
só no poderá falar assim do meu amor
que é o maior que você pode encontrar
você passou a musica e esqueceu o principal
que no peito dos desafinados
no fundo do peito bate calado
no peito dos desafinados também bate um cora?
¡usted no entiende!¡usted no entiende!¡usted no entiende!
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
•i've really been at a loss for words, so i'd just like to say
i love all of you =)
♪my gift is my song~♪
Thursday, August 10, 2006
•i can't say enough how grateful i am for friends. who is there to do stuff with, talk crap and not-so-crap with, sing together, walk together, look together, listen togther.. who care. its been so long since someone cared enough to worry.. haha..
at the same time i'm disappointed in certain things. maybe it's my fault, or maybe it's ours. the lapse of time has been longer, but has the time per se spent been? for everyone, we know ourselves. but we could be all that, and we're not. it may not be fair to compare, but i can't help it. for some its choosing to leave me out for reasons u and i know are ridiculous. for other.. i just don't know. we're been there, how did we leave?
it's late, and i'm tired.. but i'm glad that now i know that there's someone out there again that i care about and cares back.
who's still on the face of this earth.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
•was making dinner and feeling so much, but i had to wait till after. no, i'm here.
i can't say today makes me feel so useless, because it's not today. the past 36 hours, what have i been doing? you stopped to ask how things were, what was i doing?
i try to recall the thoughts that were running through my mind minutes ago, and i can't. then i remember blink and the fifth mountain. so paulo made me feel this way, because of what i took away from his writing. what of it? isn't it the truth? shouldn't i thank him for enlightening me in this, on top of the other lessons i've learnt from him or despite him? i don't really know what's gripping me. i just have this wrong, incompetent, infindel feel inside me. like clouded wine.
i've lost everything, and it's somehow still not the bottom. there's more that i know not, and yet i somehow know that it's being taken away from me by myself.
maybe you've never felt that way before. i should be thankful for your sake, and i would have been. but now i'm too preoccupied with my troubles, i've lost perspective of the things that really matter, they're there, in my old mind that hovers before me, but i can't touch it.
i hope u don't understand. and u probably don't, really.
Friday, August 04, 2006
watched the lakehouse with us. it really was a coincidence, the whole storyline. the guy who played guitar at 16 in san frans, the ice skaters, the architects, and so much more. the waiting.
haha.. i know i'm back here but i'm not ready to go into rant mode yet. just too tense, stuff to do that i'm not doing. i need to go down to kino soon.. a lesson in the library today made me realize that it had some of the books i wanted, but could never buy.. now i can find out if they're worth the keeps, like the lakehouse is. apparently there's a book.. wonder if it's as good. probably not. architecture doesn't fit into words.
i borrowed the fifth mountain, for the sake of seeing paulo's point of view on yet another thing. plus i got the summons by grisham, one of the blurbs that got my attention. my only (tiny) grevience against grisham is his obsession with law. but what the heck , he's a great writer, and he put italy into his latest book, so i'll let is pass =)
yeah. i'm going to continue now.. by tuesday everything should be over. wish for me.. haha..
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
•12 hours later
i've discovered shutterfly =)
i am so tempted to move over to livejournal. 1 gb of photo space. if geof does, i think i will.
ponning xcountry for dropthefork later, haha.. it's providence from above too. was walking about j8 just now after lunch, picking up stuff that i needed when my legs suddenly cramped up. calves just gave way. good thing i was in front of the escalator, so i stumbled onto it and grabbed hold. dunno what's going on. used to be just the metatarsal muscles that wld seize up or something. whatever.. pah.
worrying about big problems, worrying about little things, as if not enough to worry about liddat. talk with DAS theresa lai; this DAS is much nicer than tan siok mui. in a prim, older lady sort of way. like someone you just feel obliged to listen to, and yet somehow u get a good feeling doing so anyway, lol. ah i dunno.
over the past few days, there have been so many issues that i wanted to write about, to think about properly. for various reasons, i haven't been able to.. and won't be for a while. projects still coming in, ridiculous. due during DMP, all sorts of random groupwork. i just can't work with ppl in my class lah. my fault.
.. i want to just touch on each of the things i wanted to write about, but i think i shan't. shall start from the beginning when i can, and take it to the end, without any start-stop contamination. hmm.. going out soon. project still dying. its wednesday.. the website and report in by friday? i don't know if even that will pull it. right now, i just want to get it over with. its the perfect time for a fresh start; don't tell me i'm looking for excuses, cheap escapes. i know i am; it's what i'm ready for, what i need. a new beginning for a new frame of mind.
hopefully, when i must fall again, i'll be given another chance to cling on and carry on.
or will someone catch me?
•thank you, ginseng tea.
keeping me alive
though just barely
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
•a cold wind blew yesterday. from the columbarium with the smell of smoke. st johns becomes a closer reality; really want to just fall over in the sand in that paradise for a while. bad things happen so often, i've developed a standardized defence mechanism. it'll soon be over, it'll soon be over, it'll soon be over.
i finished reading blink, and it taught me. we talk so well online, because we can just talk. there's only one thing to interpret; our words. in life, we take everything into consideration; gestures, facial expression, tone, poise. information overload just makes ppl go into defensive mode; better to remain a mystery than reveal and be rejected.
* * *
to the panic room to wait it out. push all the buttons and hope it works.
it'll be over soon.