|archives connections journal|
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the continuous chain
Friday, March 31, 2006
•shall we talk
shall we talk
shall we talk?
that cafe by the thames
when you came back before
chocolate and tears
not this time
and given the chance
not any more
shall we talk
shall we talk
shall we talk?
we can't talk anymore
left, straight up, turn right at Shinjuku
i can't speak to you i-know-not-why
i'll see you in two years at Sendai
Monday, March 27, 2006
•getting to sec 4.. really start to feel that time is passing by really quickly.. i mean, couple years time and pooff, off to ns, then after tt it's time to slog.. i guess the impt thing now is to get into the course tt i want in JC, then in uni.. hurhur.. but don't really like thinking about it. dunno why.
time is seriously going by at a damn irresponsible rate lah. zoomm, then months, years have passed and still don't know people that well.. i dunno. before maybe is too hum already.. and dun dare to talk abt stuff. i'm still learning.. ahaha.. today Toh was like, friedemann this year u seem happier. i was like, er yeah, now i realize tt it's pointless bothering myself too much with your way of doing things.. lol.. it took me long enough. yeah. i grown up some now. haha.
right now gotta chiong for some projects, but the worst for this term is almost over i think.. in a couple weeks will be. but then after that is the CTs.. so while rushing last minute project things must also start mugging.. lol.. this year i better start doing more about bio.. and rly buck up on math and physics.. haha.. feeling colder and colder. sianz talking with kwok yeong.. take physics and bio in JC, then become physician.. =/
feeling quite dead in terms of sch nowadays.. nv really bonded with class properly. we just have different values.. haha.. i dunno. maybe it's wrong to be this way, but.. sometimes certain things seem so pointless and vain. dunno. how many times have i said dunno already. 6k.. i dunno. things never turned out as dreamt.. haha.. but one can see that there wasn't too much basis on believing.. i don't know. maybe it was just a dream. there was this rift.. i wish i could close it up somehow. or somebody would close it up. we just don't talk properly.. just such mundane topics if at all. but it's not easy to really just say certain things.. i guess it goes back to both sides being afraid to talk about certain things, afraid to tell too much. for some reason..
people say that it's wrong to live an isolated life. they clamour and yell, they say you can't hide from it. not for long, not forever. it'll always be in your conscience, your subconsciousness, in your heart and on your mind. you can't take everyone you love with you. and leaving parts of you behind can't make for the perfect lifestyle. but i don't mean fleeing physically. i don't have to, i don't want to. it's like you already know. i want to be with these people. i can reside in the same places them, in the messed up cities. i will be aware of the troubles around. but i'll be conscious of what i can do and what i should do. it's a mental state; it doesn't seem easy to attain, but i hope i'll manage. i think i will. my sanity will depend on it.. i'm expecting it, and i'm moving towards it.
i did say that i had remembered that childhood dream.. to work with dolphins and the like. such a simple-minded, dream, but childishly beautiful.. and it makes me begin to wonder about architecture. would it be a better ideal? it does seem an easier escape.. i begin to plot; if architecture fails me somehow, i'll be glad to submit to that kind of work.. and age wouldn't be a barrier. only money to study again. and as they say, education is the best investment.. and mine in this is so much more. it would be an investment of some simple happiness of my life on this earth. but in the end, i have to get me to shut up.. if i decide on it, i'll make me fail at architecture.. i've done it before. backup plans.. then i decide that it's easier to just give up now. to take teh easy way out. i always regret it. backup plans just don't work for me. i must never give myself to option of failure.. or i will, because i will come to want to fail, and i'll regret it in the end.. i'm certain i will in this case. it would mean leaving my friends here.. for another place. and i wouldn't be able to come back too often.. or move around the place. i don't want that to happen. i think. but it'll be in the back of my mind, no matter what i do.. perhaps it's a good thing.
introspective? perhaps.. but isn't the purpose of this place? i don't know.. call me naive, but i do learn some things from such online thingamajigs. about people. it's not always possible to talk.. these sort of things give people a comfortable annonimity. i enjoy it myself.. watchin people from afar, fraid to talk properly.. haha.. it's not healthy, nono, but it's a start. but even besides it all, it's a place to let all sorts of thinsg out of my head. it's like i say, my head, only got 5mb memory space.. then processor speed incredible and alot of ram.. haha.. reason and think about things so quickly i don't even know what i'm thinking sometimes. jstu from one thing to another.. sometimes i come here with nothing much to say, just a minor event or two, but i end up writing a huge bunch of crap.. it's just to get stuff off mind. helps to express myself.. maybe it's wrong of me to be doing it this way? but maybe there's no real right or wrong about it.. because in the end such places are only blogs by name. what does that word even mean? hahaha.. it could be a sports commentory, or some spoof newspage like me friend's Rotters International, or whatever.. it's just a website. one that's easily manipulated. just glad that i can make some use out of it.. haha. hm. that sounded wrong.
butter factory was in the papers today. hahh. cool.
okae. getting mental block liaoz, cause start reading other stuff.. haha.. here's a sudden chow.. mebbe u'll let me know tt ur out there eh? haha.. ah kai is bored stiff. choir peeps damn dead, 6k all got they're damn busy lives now, and and.. other stuff lah. point is frieds is bored. call me someday when you'r feeling sianz and also feeling lucky, then frieds will treat u to a cuppa at sum cafe somewhere to get u talking, when frieds is feeling rich.. haha.. which means u have to be really lucky. =/ yeah.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
•one of the pains of this world is understanding beyond communication.. i know, but how can i make you know? it can be done, over time.. that's what i hope i will always have for the people i care about, in this life. there are only a few things that are important and need really be understood.. other things.. best not to think to much. as a general rule knowledge is pain.. because we've done so many screwed up things.
but i hope i'll be able to take a friend by the hand, sometime, when they don't understand. take a trip to places around, and try to explain by the things we see and can believe. i hope i can do my work with peace at heart, and a listening ear and time to spare for a latte with anyone, anywhere. that i'll be able to share the beauties of nature and homes with people about whom i care.
it's really difficult to explain a lot of things, especially when you think you know already.. but i know otherwise and cannot speak, so may our footsteps and the things we see and do teach us both and all.. with God to guide the way =/
Auspicium melioris aevi?
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
•there are a lot of love stories out there.. so many are all dandied up, enough to make anyone cry. i don't know. it's beautiful, and it is doing the story justice, but.. begin to wonder if it's real. if it's just a mockery.. because when the story ends and someone dies.. it just.. it's a reminder.
there are a lot of things people can make fun of.. so nobody will ever hear of it again after this. but there are a lot of people in this world.. i do believe that somewhere there's a perfect match. there are only so many people in the world at any one time. the perfect pair for that lifetime.. it's surely somewhere. but what happens when it's lost?
today i had just wanted to talk about some other things.. things also about the past. but i received the mail.. i think i owe this to all the choristers who are true to life and friends. the choir really is a great people.. i know i put a lot of pressure and diss you guys a lot, but i do put a lot of trust and respect on you also.. the camp really proved that it's not misplaced. not everyone knows what i do, and not everyone needs to know, but i'm also happy that for the ways things had turned out that night. it's just goes to show that you can really be that mature. i really appreciate that in people..
i just want to say, i should have figured that it's not right to just diss some people that way, but i'm really not generalizing.. i'm just saying, you know who you are. what matters to me really is the passion, and everything that is embodied in the relationship between people. trust, respect, fair judgement and understanding. we are really a good bunch.. it's just that sometimes some people, who might almost make the majority if they tried hard enough just piss me off. but most of the time you guys really don't give them that chance. so i'm thankful.
i'm not one to apologize, but.. i have to say, i'm sorry to certain people for the way things turned out because of me, just then and before. i'm just that kind of rash emo kind of person.. i hope you can understand. i do try.. but i'll try harder. i do a lot of dumb things around, but i'm just naturally a dumb sort of guy. maybe that's why i don't really deserve to be part of the big picture, but give me a chance, eh? haiz.. i know this is late.
today, i'd been thinking suddenly of that second option thing.. and of course i started thinking about the past again.. doh'.. haha.. beginning to try to remember.. hmm.. what did i want to do after i dumped the garbageman idea in california and before i went arch-mad? remembering.. those days since we came back, every day was like.. haha.. come back from sch, would start reading all sorts of books.. those kind of kids novels on just about every topic you could imagine, and those kind of "1001 things you didn't know" and picture encyclopedias and stuff..
and of course, like most CA kids at that age i was quite animal crazy.. actually, not until maybe 6-7 years back then it died down.. haha.. those days any job to do with animals was really glorified all over the place.. and i remembered. evelyn had always wanted to do stuff like that as well, before she went all arty on me, but there was some point i was caught up with marine biology and marine mammals and the like, and evelyn was all, yeah i want to do that too.. haha.. but thinking about it, it really is a nice thing to be doing. yeah i know, i just can't find the right word to put in there to describe it. but it does fit into the ideal, and is something that i could really throw myself into.. i just never put any thought into it during these years. i don't know..
another funny thing is, i always found teaching a cool job, but just not something that i could pull off for too long.. haha.. that period of age when kids are kind of trying to act cool, but really they're grabbing everything and chucking it into their heads, and coming up with all sorts of dreamy ideas.. it's really cool, to be part of the picture there. like it is to be designing the environment, just in a different way. but it's always fun to be with people that age, and to kind of watch them grow a little and learn a little. there's always a lot to learn from there too.. and i have to believe that that really wound feel like the most rewarding things ever. it's just that.. haha.. it's not really my personality to be that kind of always-serious mentor kind of person. maybe in a pair.. haha.. but things are always more relaxed that way, at least as i imagine myself doing it, and anyways it doesn't work out that way in the education system. but it really is a cool thing.
so really.. i'm just finding that there are a lot of things that i used to do that i need to start doing again. in some things, i've been hiding for too long. it hurts, but i always thought it would hurt more if i tried again to fail. maybe i should see if it's true.. and in other things.. i just left them, somehow, along the way. i need to pick them up again. to mature in the right things.. and to remain childlike in others =) i hope i can do that.
i'm still praying.. it's always much nicer with someone else, but i've experienced the worst, as i imagine, before, and i don't want to ever experience another kind that i've heard of sometimes from friends.. that way, maybe i can tell my kids, yeah. as far as this life is concerned, we're the original deal.
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
•you know, sit back and look at the world, and a guy really gets tired.. there's a lot of good in it, but it's just lost amongst.. the rest of the stuff. and there's a lot of "the rest of the stuff". the world just looks to be one big mess.
and when i think about it, it figures that the brightest thing to do would be to get away. i don't know.. that's just my idealogy. it's all so screwed.. i'd rather live in a fake, isolated world of my own with those whom i love rather than try to face it all and make sense of it. it can't be that hard to make one up that suits.. everyone's living in a fake world already. it's just when you take two steps back and look at the big picture, read the news and how many people out there are saying, "you don't know what's going on out here. it's a nightmare".
singapore's just a good place for that, for me. we're so cooped in, by the government, and by ourselves. just by the way society is run. i stop to read some blogs, and listen to some people teach or preach. i start to think they see some things that i'm seeing, but then it just turns our that they were just making some random statements, that they don't really understand.. of course, i'm just saying all these.. there are bound to be people out there who know more than me. and i start to figure, hm, that's a good thing, isn't it?
i think i know enough.. there was the time it all came to me, and i couldn't stand it. ... thinking about it, i was a real wreak at that time. only by God's grace i made it though.. but i don't want to end up jeremiah again. i start to figure, okae. i know some, which is more than a bunch of people can say, and i know that i don't really know half of half of half of what's really happening. but i know that.. so it's good enough. good enough for me to decide that i don't want to know any more.. at all. to decide to start ignoring and building my own..
a lot of times you come up, here, or in person, or on the phone or on msn.. it looks to be that i'm babbling crap here. nobody seems to understand.. i'm not being overly emo or something even.. i don't know what to think, what to say.. i don't think i can be that way up here anymore. but still it's like, "huh fried, ur deep", "huhh fried, y r u so cheem".
so i'm tired already.. i don't think i should be saying stuff that people don't understand. should i? is that like speaking in tongues or something? isn't this english?
there are a lot of things that are hard to say, face to face.. because we don't know each other that well. it's not easy for me to work on that either.. but that's just me. i'm trying, trust me.. i'm just a guy. a a dumb guy, at that. but these "things".. they can't be put up here either. i just can't find the right situation for it. it's just feelings, that.. don't seem to belong anywhere where i can put them right now. thoughts, about people about life, and about how we could get along.
i can't put them up here, but what i'm thinking is, i wish you would understand. and understand that you is hardly singular, esp when i'm singular.. haha.. but maybe it's my fault. i'm not good at communicating anyways. but i still wish you would understand. then we could make that kind of world, until the Lord comes.
Monday, March 20, 2006
•people are hard to think about, some of the time, and after tt day, haha.. don't know what to think, so just stop.
anyway.. thinking about the future.. seriously. what will i do? so dumb. want to study this, study that, sing sumore. architecture.. hm. i want to build. and doing this year's project, i think tt i may have found just what. but nth's really for sure, is it..
i like the island life. haha. really. i know i think a lot about going abroad, and stuff, but it's really because of the novelty. it's like courtship; it'll pass. that's how it'll be, i think. i really like it here. haha.. it's just that things are a little ex, but what the heck. it's home, and seriously, it's a darn good place to be. that's how i feel. hahh. everything is so nearby nowadays anyway.. just need a little time and money, and the motivation.. all can be saved up, over time.. motivation? haha.. i think that comes from people.. and i think people who can motivate are everywhere. yeah. cause all of you are all over the world, no? friends who are willing to drop stuff and go wandering and messing around the world with me; and all of you, all over who i don't really know that well. maybe someday we'll meet (again).
i think about school, and what's coming up.. haiz. i'll make it through this year, but i'll have a horrible record.. one of the bottom of the level, suck at everything.. i don't know. i've made friends too. with people. learn stuff.. learning really is the best investment; that you can make for this world, anyway.. haha.. hm.
but i'm not going to get into the course i want.. i think i can come to accept that now. there's no KI for me. i'm going to be stuck doing 7 subjects while they're all doing 5.. haiz.. at least for the first year, after that i can drop chinese, but.. i don't know. a guy gets to wondering if JC is really the right route. but i want to study architecture. i've thought about backup loads of times.. people are always advising me, great, you know what you want to do, now get a backup plan.. haiz. can i not? i have to do this. i've never really done backup plans before.. i get what i want. haha. i just have to try hard enough. and if i don't, it just goes to show that i don't really want it.. haiz. or that i've accepted that i can't. or that i think so.
JC.. i just hope i'll survive that. seriously. 2 years.. methinks NS will be bliss. physical training just can't match up to all these, can it.. too much stuff. but i got to get through JC but good.. NUS e only place u can do archs in sg now.. nt sure abt james cook.. and seriously, i'm nt thinking too much abt scholarships.. i'm far from good enough. i'll take out a loan or something.. like everyone else does. hahh. freak all these expectations of past achievers tt i have to meet up to. i can't, but i'll do what i can.
time is lagging.. i can't concentrate on studies.. i don't know what i'm concentrating on. people are wierd.. "thy son would fain ask them.. but for fear that there would be friendships lost.." that's what's to fear, really.. not knowing each other well, how can one ask about any of such stuff?
singing is also dead. as it looks my parents will give a crud about nothing except schoo work, and as i'm not doing well, and prob not ever going to be doing too well, i can't really progress there.. i've gotten a little better over the year, but.. only rangewise. i suck. choir sucks more.. haiz.. i noe it's attitude and wrong and stuff, but i just gave up today. the com stayed back after choir. prob discussing abt me as some footnote somewhere.. bad influence on the juniors, what what. but they really just aren't doing the music justice. haiz.. but even to say that is taken as arrogance. what can one do.
you ask me, what should you do? right back at you. but my problem is somewhat different, i think.. i don't know where i'm going in that part of my life. i don't know what i'm doing. i need more time.. at one shot. but all these damn assignments.. even pushing them aside for the whole hols doesn't solve the problem. they're still there. even if they aren't done until the last minute.. they still remain and haunt. and to finish them up at the beginning.. let's just say it wouldn't just take the beginning to finish them up. too busy, too much time spent on things that are so insignificant regarding the future, regarding things that matter..
i pray that i make it thought this mess somehow, and if i get out the way i think it should be, i hope that i never get stuck to work.. there's building and designing, but then there's being there with you. all of you. just being there, together. that would rock.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
•what can i say. no really, what can i say. i'm just not in a position to say, tell me how you feel. tell me everything.
the *doom and disaster* hols are here, and the tests are all over(duhh..). anyways screwed all up. failed math, but everyone came pretty close except those mugger kiaz, so i guess i'm improving at least, eh? haha.. just barely passed bio, but it's just this test. and i'm going to fail chinese like i have never done for three years man.. seriously screwed up. bamm.
anyways, the usual in finity load of work, the thing is da dumb iLearning week is gone, huzzah.. what's more we get monday and tuesday off.. lol.. not too sure why, but what the heck. the main problem is thinkquest.. gotta make some crap to upload on 22nd. shit, i shld have just joined geof's grp. haiz. nvmind.
today da YCM launch at Youth Park, den da wheelchair thing.. quite wasting time lah.. but at least woke me up enuff for me to go and run tonite.. haiz. better buck up this hols. wish there were more gatherings, just go go out and waste time with ppl.. haiz.. but nopez. everyone v buzy. so i must stay at home and finish me thinkquest.. plus all other piles of hw..
reggie is back to her usual self, i just hope things stay this way.. really. maybe we shld try to control ourself on our parts also lah, cause, sincerely, all of us like reggie and it sucks when she's daoing us.. haha.. i mean, there are good teachers and there are teachers who are useless for anything, but there has to be someone like reggie out there in your school life, otherwise it just sucks. i'm not saying that cause she makes our lessons real slack or anything, but more because she really treats us as people. how she expects us to treat her is kinda different, but.. i think we can manage to make ourselves comply just to keep her herself, cause that's just how we like her.
even as im typing, bunches of ppl spaming me, lol. bunches is a good word. shall use it as andrew uses piece. anyways, linan's spam abt choir sucks now, blah blah got me started. at first i was like, yea, as if i didn't know that already, stop acting like ur so bloody pro lah. but transcript.
(think abt it again, i think it's better to remove.. haiz. whatever lah. are u rly tt interested?)
kae.. tt took some time. anyways, tt was after guan tok to me some crap abt camp oso, but inbetween amanda popped up and ruth. haha. apparently want some gathering in e hols, so yay. hope something materializes. i don't really think i'm in a position to do these sorts of stuff. i dunno.. maybe it's just a position that i'm putting myself in. i really don't know why. can somebody help me?
i know this is sudden and a wierd ending, but now that i start talking about it, i have to say, somebody, help me. i don't know what it is with me. i'm starting to see, it's not just that i can't talk to people, i'm not letting people talk to me. nats, if i may even call her tt, was like daoz, and apparently quite stone today, from the mouth of da horse(in the form of geoffrey) . people have changed, and i have too. i want to get closer. but people remember the past. and i don't know how to break out.
cause i remember the past too. and i remember why i had been that way for so long.
do i need to forget?
i saw june tonight at CCK MRt. she looked different and the same. but how many years has it been. how many? i bet at this point of time, she never even knew me.
Friday, March 03, 2006
•last monday in the Lt. with the fluorescents off and the exit light glowing.. blasting nanquan and jay frm e minispeaks w/ geof.. life is seriously quite scrwed. can't even start thinking about it all now.. just too many things. thinking of perm hiatusing sch choir, it's so scrwed and i can't teach, all i'm doing is contributing to music that isn't even there.. but it wld be pretty irresponsible. gotta talk to toh.. but i don't think it'll happen. then of course there's church choir, but that issue is pretty much out of my hands. but then my weekends are all gone, 100%..
other sch stuff is just waay to confusing. reggie produced too much oestrogen, exploded, and she's taking it out on me, not to mention like ten other guys. all was trying to do was bring her back to the real world.. seriously. she's just scrwed. teaching is so not her kind of job. she's trying to force herself to be serious but can't, then yogi brought booboo along that day and booboo kept going wah mam, can u be my teacher, ur class so slack, hahahahahhahaha. stupid booboo. tink bear won't bring him in next time, lol, but damage done. but there's really no reasoning with reggie, cause she's just one of those people, like my parents, who just go illogical once the logical debate starts turning against them. just can't face up to the truth. and she calls herself and lawyer and a journalist.
those aside, 18 hrs a day, 7 days a week, all my time is really gone lorh. nt to mention sleeping. which is really why i'm thinking about sch choir and church choir.. cause i just feel i'm not really accomplishing anything then, i'm not really moving towards something. i want to be more proactive, i want to be doing something real. and if it's at all possible, i've told the birds and the sky, someone to push me on, to encourage me, for me to just be with when things are tough. but then life comes back and tells me i have waay bigger problems. but there's just that little part inside that says, i just can't put full heart and spirit and do my absolute best if not. so i keep praying.
the lights are bright, my head is throbbing. could you really love a person from now till forever? could you? cause i think about the things i've heard, and history seems to betray my trust.
composing is really hard. since you had to go and remind me, been dreaming too much about the possibilities, at the back in bio lessons, on the last carriage, under those void decks where i once was with her, somehow. pls lah, all the tests are on now. besides, they're just dreams. i don't know why i even let you realize. i much have been mad. bah. i'm not really in turmoil and self conflict over it. i don't know. maybe it's cause it's just another scenario too perfect, and i don't know if i could be that way, and i don't know if you are that way. because it would probably change the way all you see me, cause it would be right before you.