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Thursday, June 30, 2005
•just finished reading a great book.. wish they had those linky things like in xanga, for book or music.. lol.. maybe i'll switch someday..
anyways.. just finished reading a really great book.. i mean, there are loads of book about people who get some terminal disease and are dying then there are touching stories and people around them and stuff.. but this one is great.. haha..
after so much yada yada.. yea.. it's Always and Forever, by Lurlene Mcdaniel.. okae, so it's two novels, but they're connected.. it's like, part one and aprt two, jsut that they called it two novels.. yea.. Too Young to Die and Goodbye Doesn't Mean Forever...
yea well.. if you feel like it, really bored someday, go hunt it down in the library.. or something. it's really reminded me of a lot of things, even irrelevant stuff, like things do when i'm just getting along with life..
haha.. gonna spit a lot of stuff out.. whateveryy..
anyways.. loads of thoughts.. then like, they start fading.. hahaha.. irrelevant, irrelevant~! okae.. i was just thinking.. i mean, it's always nice to have someone who's always there for you, if you catch my drift.. two people hanging on to something for each other. sometimes it can just fix everything.. having someone whom you know cares to just throw everything inside you out and up at.
then some people have siblings.. i mean, like, real close.. i dunno why.. but never was really close to evelyn. was just that way. can i blame it on the environment we were brought up in? to put it nicely.. my parents are really down-to-earth people. always going on about degrees, and jobs, and education. yea. so we never got really close. at all. put nicely.
but this is my time to dream, hey? just do it now, blam, one period of psychotic behaviour which nobody understands. even teachers are giving me wierd looks, like i need a shrink or something.. whatever.. ugh.. i'm screwing up big time, aren't i..
people tell me, guys cry less than girls, why. typical not-that-familiar-wish-each-other girl-to-guy talk. all sort of funny questions. but for some reason.. i mean, emotions can be pent up inside, but just won't come out, you know? haha.. maybe you don't.. it's like a balloon.. blown up, puff puff puff.. arghargh.. gonan explode liaoz.. already so tight, so full, just poke me and boOmz.. budden, suddenly something, someone lets some air out.. so it feels less tense for a while.. because it is; less tense than before. but it's still there, the tension.. and sooner or later we're gonna get blown up again.. but just can't release it all..
then when we explode, we just break down and cry. it happens. but maybe it's the way God made us.. although i always say society is what the society makes it, men are always expected to put up some front, or something.. like defenders of something.. the faith. dunno what i'm talking about. but maybe it's just like that. emotions just puff puff puff, blown inside us, too much too much, but cannot explode, cause it's not the extreme limit yet, because we're slowly blown up, as we realise things around us, as we do more things.. but when suddenly it all comes crashing down, when it's just too much to take at one time, pOff..
but we never learn our lesson. after it's exploded, we just stupidly pick up another balloon from the pile and place it on the nozzel again.. and so it goes on. just like life has to go on.
sometimes i wish i wasn't the oldest. it sucks quite a lot, actually.. always being compared to others, and stuff.. and nobody to turn to. nt tt nt being the oldest wld make it easier, but.. one would expect it to be riight? nobody ever wrote stories of older siblings confiding in younger siblings..
blahh. i feel like time stopped, but nt in a good way.. like i'm stuck in this situation.. and there's no way to fix it, to get out of this trap.. temporarily something distracts me.. maybe i feel happier, maybe i get pissed off about something else that doesn't affect me emotionally so much, maybe i get preoccupied with something else for a while.. but in the end just get thrown back to reality..
that's why we do stupid stuff, i guess.. blow off a bit of steam sometimes, bash around and get bashed around, and just make plain stupid jokes.. dunno what to say. can i say that's just the way it is?
nothing will stop me singing: it's just whether it's sad, of happy, or excited, or anticipating, or... ...
•sometimes, doing stuff halfway, just seem to, lose conciousness, and drift into.. something else. and yet whatever i was doing halfway, just continue perfectly... haha.. dreamtime multitasking..
happens sometimes in choir. lol. almost frequently. but not too recently. cause of toh.. aiyahh.. is just same old things. nt in the mood to whine; nt tt anyone wants to hear me.
leaving soon.. haha.. it's funny, but this is the what, second or third time i've gone overseas alone. without my family, i mean. since young, they always bring all of us around to loads of places... they have this thing of travelling to everywhere, so long they think it's safe.. haiz. overcautious.. but i guess it's easy to be, being a parent.
anyhow, that's one thing i'm truely greatful of... feel very fortunate; i've been to four continents, and goodness knows how many states and cities.. not to say i remember them, but i remember being there. just a presence. it's not much; i'll definitely revisit if i get the chance, but i'm grateful.
hmm.. just a passing thought.. been to california and washington DC in the USA only.. haha.. never really went anywhere else. maybe i'll check it out sometime.. haha.. wishful thinking. get a job then say lah u idiot.. well.. it wld be fun to go with friends. wanna take a look and see what's the deal with NYC.. know a few people from there, online..
haha.. yesterday night, amongst all the homework, took out that book again.. it's the second one.. haha.. the first one.. has now become my school notebook. lol. but i got it tt day before yf retreat, hoho, so, whatever.. haha... still feel very young in this church, very out of place.. but we'll see lorh..
why do we want to get to know each other to leave for a while, come to love a place to leave for another, get used to a routine to change to another, attain stuff then desire for others?
so that it's an even more beautiful feeling when we return, so that there will be special memories when we come back home, so that we can get a taste of as many things of this world as possible, so that we can gain the world..
but why do we want to gain the world, try the things of here? why do we come to love this place so much, knowing that there is something more beautiful, by oh so many countless times waiting for me, when the time is come?
because i'm here now, because i love the people here, because the things He has made are beautiful, and because i want to keep these memories for eternity..
because i treasure the memories.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
•you know the times when, you know, someone did something nice for someone else, and you found out, then you go, hey, i can do that, i could have done that, why didn't i do that?
then there are other times that you find out that someone did something nice for someone else, but that someone else never said who it was, then you go, hey, am i the one that guy is talking about?
then you go, shut up me, don't be so ego, can't be you.
and so i shut up.
fact: physics teachers have very bad grammer.
tested subjects: andrew lim, leong kok weng, toh ban sheng(previous physics teacher)
•i think i can begin the story now. i've had a bit of time to think, in between everything... but now there just doesn't seem to be the time to begin writing. blehh...
well, drag and drag again. in a way, perhaps, going for this competition is a good thing cause i have to force myself to hand in everything that's due before i g, otherwise it will be seriously overdue by the time i get back..
there are just amazing things that i could write of.. well.. i'm talking mostly real people, so i hpoe nobody minds wehn it's done.. but anyhow, it'll take a long time, say a few years, and i'll ask everyone before i actually do anything with it.. haha.. if i do anything with it..
i mean, every day in life, everyone we know, don't you just think, sometimes, if only, or had it been? i do.. just some things that are really.. i dunno. are they impossible? not everything, i guess.. i don't write impossibilities.. like if only bill gates were my uncle or something.. lol.. but i guess.. it could come true.. through some miracle frm God.. and if it could, and does, oh my goodness, how... filled i wld be. i wld die. hhahaha...
hm. i guess nt gonna cut my hair till after the trip. haha.. ppl say nice then leave lorh. when i'm back then cut.. before go back to school.. also was thinking of dying a bit, then come back cut already then cannot really see so much, riight? see how lah.. oso dunno what color.. lol.. then go hairdresser will be shuper ex, nt worth if it's only such a short while.. see how lorh.
there's a lot of nagging teachers cause of stuff i'm supposed to do but didn't.. but somehow i feel.. hyped. i want to start writing. there's something in my head - i have to get it down before i forget it. i have a horrible memory span. you don't want to find out the hard way. but i want to get rid of everything in the way, and start writing.. it's stuff like this, that i actually want, that helps me get stuff done, sometimes. btu of course it's best when the thing that's asked of me is also what i want myself.. like when i tried to get into RI. now, i don't know why i wanted to much to get it.. cause it's supposed to be the top? i guess frmo that point of view, don't really see the implicatinos of being the top.. people always make remarks about your intellect..it's really irritating, even if it's true.. so what if i'm just a little smarter than you? how does that make me so different? so special? ugh.. hate it. stupid. ugh. even in youth revival.. "wisdom" "knowledge" "wisdom and knowledge".. yeesh...
well.. better get going.. loads of stuff to settle before i fly...
anyone want to spend youth day and tuesday? i dunno what to do.. everyone will be in school on tuesday.. i guess i shld rest, cause jet lag plus i'll be losing like, 5-6 hours in the flight over to europe.. but i wana do something with someone. ah. whatever. see how lorh..haha..
you can't here any music playin, cause i'm making it
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
•well.. today for some reason.. most of the teachers seemed to be trying to be nicer than usual.. haha.. well.. nt to be pessimistic, but i hope this lasts.. lol..
i think i really don't want to talk about school.. after this gonna do one whole block again.. ugh.. whatever..
recently heard from some of the J1s.. old guys.. haha.. mostly dun really know me tt well, cause tt time sec 2, kinda dun really get to know each other that well.. but still something lah. haiz.. really envy the peeps in a few batches after mine.. those like what, 3-4 years older.. haha.. there's jsut something about these one or two years of ppl lorh.. just so.. incomprehensibly confident.. hhaaa.. even in pri sch noticed.. lol..
hmm.. a lot of things just wanna say, but cannot come out here lah.. ppl will feel kinda wierd.. or just think i'm mad or something.. haha.. dunno how to say it lah. hm. cannot paraphrase. nvmind.. just.. really look at these ppl, and wish cld be like them.. or even just one of them, amonst them.. haha.. tt wld be good enuff.. but no, i had to be born tt many years later >.< oh well.. life goes on..
why do ppl keep asking if things are okae..? feels so difficult to answer.. how can everything be okae? if they were, you'd think my expression wld let you know? i dunno lah.. >.< being harsh again.. ugh.. i dun mean to be, but.. it's just a very wierd question tt's difficult to answer truthfully.. so sometimes just mian qiang, or something..
then there's something else altogether.. ugh.. some ppl, i mean, how can just butt in liddat and ask person stuff? it's not like i know you the least well even.. ugh.. just disgusting. dowan to say who lah. all sorts of personal questions oso can ask.. just because he thinks he can get me to perform. what makes you think even if i tell you(not tt it'll ever happen, huh), you can even help me fix it? no way, you can only makeit worse, cause you ahve no idea what's going on. events and thoughts can't just be put into words, so seriously, i wish you'd screw off and stop being such a.. such a what do you cal these kinda ppl? pretend to be concerned.. just to gain benifit for themselves. ugh.
thot of making a photoblog.. hm.. don't really have any photos. lol. whatever. maybe nt photos lorh, random stuff as well. see lah.
- friedtunes: Ronan Keating - I Hope You Dance -
Monday, June 27, 2005
pls guide me to find a job, if it's your will.. i don't want to take anything more from these people who claim to be my parents then i must..
i can no longer bear with all this.. it's my duty, no more, no less, to respect them, but duty is not unaffected by your other laws, and this conscience you have given me... is it?
pls help me cope, somehow..
in Jesus name i pray, Amen.
•hii.. survived, as usual.. but nt without casualty..
math teach went and complained to my choir TIC abt my math stuff.. then request tt i dun go for competition... i was lyke, wt- lah.. impossible, u talking crap ah.. for one thing, tt's my savings down the drain, and for another thing, i've been training for this for sooo long... and if you really need another thing, i'm an SL, it's my duty to go, =D
ugh.. so see how lorh.. but no way i'm going to give up on the trip.. tonite.. seems have to stay up liaoz, since yesterday slept so early at 1, didn't really do much hw either.. haizz..
thinkingthinking.. i really don't exist lah. what is, really me? dunno leh.. in different envoronment, i adapt.. my goal is to fit in without disturbing to many ppl at least.. and to really fit in, at best, no duh.. the former might be how it is in class loh.. des y everything so screwed up.. everyone else is like, borrow from tt math genius guy in class and photocopy one copy... then the guys pass it round.. haha.. budden nt say i wanna copy oso lah.. budden at least can see and try to understand.. whatever.. too hopeless already..
RV guys for some reason easier to fit in lorh.. lol no idea why. haha.. if i know then i fit in everywhere liao, riight? lol maybe.. dunno what to say lah.
so hopeless. i realy don't have a "myself". just.. dunno how to describe. feel so.. dunno how to describe. like so despicable.. hahahahahahahahhahaaahahhahahh....
dunno what else to say lah. it's more messy than i've ever had to handle before. guess this kinda stuff has to happen sometimes, or it really wldn't mean much when we say, it's more than i've ever had to handle before, right?
going mad liaoz..
- friedtunes: JJ Lin Jun Jie - Tu Ran Lei Le -
Sunday, June 26, 2005
01. Reply with your name and i will write a short phrase describing you.
02. I will then tell you what i admire about you.
03. I will make up a short drabble with the both of us in it.
04. I'll tell you the most memorable moment i've had with you.
05. I'll then tell you something i've always wondered about you.
06. Put this in your journal.
01. Sporty and outgoing
02. Basketball leet!
03. Gerard and Fried play basketball. Wen Jun stands in the middel and screams!
04. 1st day of RV camp 2005 heh
05. Wad class are you in? =P
06. Put this in your blog.