archives connections journal

9:36 pm

feel better about the whole business. haiz.. really dunno how to feel, but whatever lorh.. it's really the things of dreams, thrown into life. from where i'm coming from, that's really how it seems to me. that's why it's so hard to take it for granted. cause it's somethign special, to me.

well, reporting on saturday for choir.. hurhur.. think i'll do bass, or some crazy mix.. cause i don't think i can reach the highest tenor notes well, unless i'm completely warmed up.. and that's not too likely on a sunday morning.. hahahh..

well, sch starts tmr. it's like, suddenly, poff. and completely unprepared. what hw have i done? i have no idea. my math teacher is going to either slaughter me, or give me that look that will make me want to either suicide or kill him for no good reason.. =.="" he's really a okkae teacher.. but i'm just screwing up everything.. ugh..

pushy pushy.. push it all away~ thot of formatting my room and starting again, hurhur.. but completely wrong timing.. yeesh.. the kind of holidays us ppl get while we're still in JC and below.. basically for teachers to relax and students to do mounds of hw.. hahaa.. so i'm justified. i look forward to the future =)

what else is there. i'm starting to feel invisible again. whoopie do. the thing so many people imagine to be. i could go be some sort of superhero, lol.. walking in crowds and nobody notices i'm there.. lol.... chinaman, chinaman~♪

oh.. ugh. i tore out the page. so it seems it really still wasn't meant to be.. so depressing..

but it's still in my head. make it something more, please...

i still remember..

- friedtunes: Williams - Colors of the wind -
8:53 pm

Saturday, June 25, 2005
I hope you never lose your sense of wonder

back from yf and stuff.. haha.. bet everyone else is sleeping now.. lol.. slept at 2 and woke at seven thirty pronto to becky's voice, lol. put nicely =) perfectly normal hours for me, so nth much.. haha..

okae.. where do i start.. the past two days have been great.. er, choir was pretty much screwed, everyone suddenly decided to forget everything tt had been taught to them the very previous day.. so us poor SLs and SCs kena toh's blabbering and saliva.. see lahh. ni men re de huo.. anyways.. was pretty much pissed off at the way toh and the choir acted that day. he was super behind time, and i was late for something in between yf and choir, and was all like, grr, in front of him. then he starts insulting people.. think it's so funny. wah, say this person singing keep stretching his bum(like that's even possible), say another guy so ugly, say people got manicure, etc. that guy is seriously gay, and i can't stand it any more. he's gay in every sense of the word. he's gay, as in like, acts gay, and he's also gay, as in like, his behavious is gay. yea.

ugh.. then like, the most INFINITELY STUPID thing was, he sense that i'm pissed off, some ppl oso pissed off(but nt as much as me, nya nya, lol) then he starts insulting people one by one. and so long they're nt the guy he's making fun of, those temporary morons laugh. the sheer stupidity. for one thing, there's nothing so funny about it. you think it's so funny to make fun of ppl? *****************************************. that's what i think.i can't believe it lah, ancouraging that thing that is the opposite of the word hot . even wen hao. yeesh.

nt gonna work on me. u do mad thing, i tel your mother. he see my black face until he go home, hah. can't stand people like that, simply no morals at all. we're simply instruments in his hands. go go, tell us to take steriods, take any ole drug he prescribe, duneed to ask doctor, so long as we sing dam* well, can already. after the event, after the competition, he's not involved, we can go and die frmo the drugs. our voices can be ruined for the rest of our lives, he os dun caer. can't sing already? get the heck out of choir. yeesh.

haizz.. anuff of this sour talk.. these two days were really great, nt cause of pieces of crap along the way like him, but the people who walk wif me.. had a dinner after that, then traipsed over to SBBC.. yea.. lesson about assurance of salvation, then some games indoors.. haha.. those tarzan jane gorilla things, and variations, lol. quite fun.. haha.. keep dying.. lol.. you don't want to hear me talk about what i was going to.. lol.. regarding that. nevermind. shall amke this blog entry more event centered. whatever lorh.

hm, then the girls went off to shower and etc. goodness knows what, haha, then we were like, still in the den playing with card tricks and dumb lame games and puzzles and stuff.. lol.. now some of them know abt wen hao's game.. hahahah.. tt shuper lame one.. hmm.. some day gonna have to finish the job, go and play with everyone, haha...

hm, then brought the stuff upstairs, just sit there lorh.. haha.. one reason why i'm kinda satisfied, tho nt really such a major one, i guess. it pales in comparison to the other things to be grateful joyful for. but ive finally managed to start the story. haha... i'd like to think it's the atmosphere, the people.. it's not exactly one that someone might dream of, for me at least, lol, but it may be as close as reality gets, haha.. seriously managed to forget about homework and projects and tests coming up once school reopens.. ugh.. still don't want to think abt it now.. but it's started. and so the saga begins.

so slept around 2 to three, frikkin cold, lol... two air cons in a room that small is.. a good autumn's day in the black forest.. lol.. okae whatever. haha, i have no idea why, all manner of alarm clocks can't awaken me, but any slight movement of ppl can wake me up, 'specially voices.. instantly. haha.. woke up at 3 plus when timothy and david came in to sleep finally, then the next sound was at seven thirty.. haha.. anyways.. forgot to pack a second set of change, oh woe. is it so unusual to shower in the morning??? tt's the way it works when i grew up in Monterey anyway.. then for some reason my parents changed back to singapore standard, lol.. but i always feel better in the morning after i shower. wakes me up, gets me alert. the ultimately health-friendly(yet another new word =P) alternative to coffee in the morning.. haha.. u shld try it, really. anyway, zhi guang showered too, so i guess not.

erm, then in short, morning devotion, prata, rain cum singing, lesson on talents. according to the profiling thing.. there are more 'missionaries' than i expected.. hoho.. it's a good thing, i guess, but what will become of SBBC when we all grow up and are free, free at last? haha... anyways, guilty as charged, i was one of the victims of the profilings too.. haha.. but i've thought about it, really.. i might not go as a missionary for the church, but i'll go with hearts and minds behind me, i hope, and some with me.. and i go everywhere in the name of the Lord, so that's not an issue =)

okae.. anyways.. after that jamie kindly went and mass-ordered back chicken rice.. haha.. hm i think i got things mixed up, the lesson on talents was after lunch, lol. whatever.. just to get over with it.. after tt, like, loads of ppl went off.. bro. joe went off after the singing, then came back in the afternoon.. haha.. anyways, after tt just had some v funny games.. ahah.. in both senses of the word.. in the car park.. candle fight, or something, patented by SBBC, i'm told.. oh.. kena my head, specs bent, haha, fixed now.. des y come back so late, cause went to eat something oso.. nth at all lah,just a hole cause specs bent already go and poke a hole there, haha.. otherwise nth lah.. hmm.. then becky asked again if i wanted to join choir.. haha.. so bad, make ppl ask so many times.. but for some reason.. i felt more prepared now.. haha.. i dunno.

why behave so differently towards different groups of ppl leh?? i dunno.. haiz.. i have this feeling that it's a bad reason.. aiyahh.. in choir, if i dare say so, i've established myself.. hahaaa... thx to toh dropping me to baritone i guess.. now i can reach the full range quite well cept high tenors and mid-low altos..haha.. otherwise, i'm ready.. haha.. oh.. next saturday and every one after i'm SBBC choir property for a coupla hours in the afternoon.. haha.. so gonna have to define which choir i'm talking about from now on.. haha..

okae.. where was i.. i think, for some unknown reason, when i'm in a position to be a role model, to me a teacher, it feels easier to befriend people.. cause it's easier to do something that people don't normally do.. step down, and really be a friend.. haiz.. dunno why it seems so dificult to talk to people otherwise.. i mean, choir peeps, tho infinitely "quirky", as jamie wld say it, are just lie SBBC peeps, in some ways.. they're all really nice, easy to get along with, and fun to be with people.. in choir, always full of jokes and laughs.. haha.. but dunno why.. i can't fit into that in SBBC.. haiz.. feel.. wierd. i can't fanthom it.

suddenly that thought surfaced again. i forget what made it. but; if i left now, from SBBC, sure, people wld ask why, for a while, as whoever might know what happened to me.. but just a while.. mabe a month or two.. haha.. all thoughts about me wld be inexistant, and in a half-year forgotten..

yes Lord, i know it's vainity of vainities.. but.. i see, and i listen, so much more than i let others see of me.. i think i know these people more than they think they know me.. but in the end.. we're still thinking, and thinking.. i can't really talk yet.. if i ever will.. sighhx.. now it's truely a burden on my heart. these are beautiful people.. in heart and spirit.. not that any less physically, but jokes aside.. i really don't know what's to become of this situation.

there was a time when it was all still a dream. i thought.. it's hopeless.. why can't i open myself up to these wonderful people.. ugh.. why why.. it's hopeless.. one day, i'll leave, and i'll never have existed here.. but now it's become a reality.. unless God shows me otherwise.. i think i know what i have to do now.. there's something more for me elsewhere than Singapore, simply because i have a passion for other places.. for other people, who i dont' know...

i'm a fool. in Singapore there are so many half-way relationships, such familiar environmnts, and such a great need for workers in the ministry, or simply testimonies for the Lord as anywhere else.. why can't i stay here?? i can't explain's like my passion for singing.. it's simply.. desire, pure desire with love intertwined. it's why i can devote time to trying to pick up japanese, pathetically slow i am at it, instead of spending this time doing my math and physics and biology homework and projects...

but then.. sometimes the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.. haiz.. see yongfei pick up guitar so easily, wanna slap myself.. haha.. why can't i even do anything with a guitar, aside from.. nothing? ugh... before i somehow thrust it to a side, and forced myself to stop thinkng about it.. but suddenly.. i feel.. like i'm butting into somewhere where i'm not supposed to be.. so perfect is this place, to go in, should i, spoil it i would.. and so i fear i'm doing.. these people have been here so long, grown up together, in body and in christ.. who am i to be a foreign body to come in and spoil this thing that God has made? ugh.. i dunno. whatever.

but i managed to push it aside, somehow.. i would stay. and i would do what i could.. as the Lord commanded me to, and led me to.. then when it was time to leave, i would leave.. and when it was time to come back, i would.. and it would be as if i had never left, only better... haiz.. i dream..

leaving singapore after NS and studies becomes and increasing reality. there is really nothing to keep me in one place. it's not that i don't desire a permanat home to come home to after my travels, but i guess i could live without, cause money doesn't grow on trees.. furthermore, there are always jobs for the willing.. if the less educated can survive as such, why can't i? in such a manner, i can go anywhere.. anywhere i might be called.. at all. that's the truth of this world, and one good thing remaining, i guess.. it's because people think, ooh, i'll start a small business first, or i'll get a good job first, and save up, then i'll go where i am called.. but by then.. we've committed to other stuff.. like a certain position in a company.. or a routine we are way too used to to leave.. then it becomes so difficult to truely go and do what we must..

tt's why i want to do it now. if any are willing to follow me, joyfully, i'll thank the Lord, and we'll do what we must until it's done.. God will provide lah. hahaha.. you think i'm really too young to think abt stuff like this.. but after it all,even i wld want to settle down.. haha.. but God will provide.. whatever it is, just give thanks.. in the end, i'll get to settle down in heaven.. haha...

every thought brings back memories for me.. ugh.. don't know how to feel.

every word that's spoken.. do you feel the same way?

i don't know?

- friedtunes: Club 183 - Zhe Mo -
10:19 pm

Thursday, June 23, 2005
well.. back from choir. there's one place i can make a difference.. sighh.. can't imagine what it'll be like wif sec 4s gone.. aiyahh.. whatever lorh.. everyone just need a laugh lah.. there were times not to long ago when Toh seriously pissed me off, but nowadays nt really. maybe cause he's not doing so much extremely stupid selfish stuff, but i'd like to think that it's simple cause he can no longer bug me.. muahaha.. he really can't do anything to me except kick me out to choir. for one thing, that just helps me make my decision whether or not to stay, and for another thing, i'd like to see how his bass section copes without me and the sec 4s.. nt to be egoistic.. but.. aiyahh.. no matter what i say ppl will oso think i'm in the wrong one lah, so whateverr..

anyways, next year will be pretty free, hope i can convince the future exco to do some fun stuff.. haha.. i mean, no commitments next year, excpt to do a concert every year, so next year prob won't be a difference.. what this bunch of people need is change and fun.. so stone, so serious all the time.. what to expect with half a place of GEPers, tsky tsky.. hahaah.. but not all are so bad lah. maybe 50-50.

gonna try to try to scope out some minor competitions for small bands and stuff in sg, haha, there shld be something, riight? then we can go and crash.. haha.. not all lah, or even nearly half. jsut the few pro zai dudes =D see how lah.. there's never a lack of things for a singer to do..

God's really placed a path right in front of my face for me to go thus far.. i'm grateful.. but haiz.. it always seems so lonely. aiyahh.. this kinda thing, multiple meaning one, lol, whatever.. it just seems too much to be.. coincidental. to empty. and onyl where i choose to go. fine. whatever.

behh.. school is really becoming pointless.. it's seriously.. homeworks all overdue, stay up late trying to do, can barely do a bit, then go to school, half asleep cause up all nite, then sleep in some/most classes.. then go home, eat, do a bit, drop dead, then wake up just when everyone just went to bed, and repeat.. d'oh. conpletely nonsensical. my grades are getting totally screwed.

recently.. okae, not so recently, there's this thing about da "handicapped" peeps.. in body or in mind.. whatever.. aiyahh. methinks right, so many ppl in this society handicapped in spirit, why nobody cares leh?? haiz.. depression is now a medical situation, no doubt because it is so widespread, and seriously, people of all ages are facing all sorts of spiritual and emotional problems, people i actually know.. well, not really, but you get the point..

there's always this question some will ask; what are we supposed to do with our life in this society.. and seriously, there's nothing much to look forward to.. this society totally restrains ideals and thoughts.. but more importantly, as someone said, it's just plain and simple, difficult times. don't talk to me about war, don't talk to me about your lack of food and clothing or whatever in the past years of your childhood. we face far greater foes in thsi modern society, and you know it.

it's hard to merge realism and the things of our dreams; our destinies. or so i imagine. reality has so many restrictions.. and our imagination and longings can have no limit. how are we to merge these two? which limits may we ignore, that are presented to us by this "real world"?

one thing i took note of, with much thoughts... was the things that Jesus always told his wannabe deciples to do, in the beginning of the gospels. leave everything and follow Him. leave everything. is that so very difficult to do? it is for me.. but in my case, i don't even have to leave everything.. there are friends everywhere, who will always be in my hearrt, and only a plane, train, car, or walk away. that's important to me. at this age.. hah.. what little belongings i have that matter something to me, is because of sentimental value.. haha.. it's true, there are beautiful memories in youth. that's why i never want to leave it until i have to, to take on greater responsibilites. i've really thought it al through.. if my dreams were to become reality, no doubt warped dreams to fit inot this situation i find myself in, it would truely be wonderful enough.. cause in the end my reward lies in heaven =)

ai.. time to get dinner, been surviving on oatmeal squares since i came back from choir, lol. tmr is yf retreat.. can only go for the night.. haiz.. but i've commitments, and i have duties, i guess.. even if i were allowed to, i probably won't leave training for yf either, cause everyone has been working so hard for this, can't afford to make any move to screw it up.. haha.. must monitor all the rest oso, make sure everything is fine.. and of course to get toh of everyone's back. it's actually become fun, cause i guess toh's come to accept it, somehow =) i guess we really are all just humans in the end.. =))

okae.. enuff chit chat for now.. right now.. aiyahh, as usual, loads of stuff to think about once i start putting it all down, one thing leads to another.. but then when i don't it all vanishes to dunno where.. but there has been something i thought about quite seriously to do.. and i haven't done it now. i'm beginnign to think... i think already, it's to late.. i'm not sorry that the trouble's over, but i know it'll come , and even if it doesnt,there are just certain people that one would like to be really, really, really close to, and let's just say, even through all the talk about making relationships work out, and making new ones, i really want to get tha close to you. haah.. toking to someone who's nt here. whatever. sighhx.. whatever whatever.

oh. and i haven't forgotten my promise. that was to only other time in my life i came that close to swearing something, and i didn't, cause i feared i would be taken home sooner than i could fufil it, or that the spirit is truely willing but the flesh is weak.. hahaha.. but what am i talking about, how can God's strength, which is always with me, be not enuff..

i'm still alive. but i don't know why.. for some nonsensical reason, i just can't do it now.. you seem to far away. i just hope that the right time will be shewn to me soon.. before anything bad happens. for too long, i've been worrying, that something will happen. to either of us, before i can do anything.

but i remember my promise. i'll be back.

- friedtunes : Tension - Zhui Hou Yi Fen Zhong -
8:58 pm

Wednesday, June 22, 2005
oh, before i slept, i thought, it's time for a change in template. i like this one.. i think i'll keep it for some time.

oh, and if anyone knows how to push down frames and div layers a few lines so the image isn't hidden, pls, let me know, thx. i can't figure how, cept to stuff everything into a table then push it down, but there's no time to try now. it's past midnight; seriously time to sleep.

okae then. that's done. goodnite for real, now then. =)
12:04 am

Tuesday, June 21, 2005
was just reading the little publication by the juniors in church.. it's interesting really.. there was this article in it, see.. aiyahh.. dowan to quote, later make ppl think i what, so bad.. but..

basically what it's saying is, we should watch what we blog, and that our blogs are public places, so we shouldn't express ourselves completely here.. our anger and frustration, etc etc..

my thoughts when i saw this immediately was.. if it's your thoughts, why can't they be shared? if you have such ugly thoughts, that you are ashamed to show others, such vulgar intentions that cannot be told publicly, then how is it that you even have them? you get it? it's like what we always talk about, knowing a sin and still committing it. just because you don't express it publicly, doesn't make it right.

you might say, at least it doesn't spoil our testimony as Christians, but really, as Christians we really shouldn't harbour such thoughts against people..right? sounds wierd coming from me? well.. it's one one to say, and other thing to do.. and so it is for all of us.. the truth is mine, and i make it a point to let people know.. we're humans, and we always make stupid decisions, or we don't make decisions at all. we just do things without thinking. but what matters is, even if we meant what we did at that time, there's a change in opinion, in heart. cause, isn't that the part of the foundation of our faith? turning away from what's bad, as far as we can? and when we do err, to seek forgiveness and even more, avoid to fall down the same hole?

well.. that's said and done.. haizz.. suddenly, i think, am i being very bad to people ah. it's just that.. it's my habit. no - my belief; my moral standard. if something is wrong, don't do it, or say it, or think it, or whatever. if you are unsure, find out. if you are completely unaware that something might be wrong, pay attention when someone tells you so, and seek evidence to find whether or not it is indeed, something bad. that's it. the truth is mine; there should really be no need to hide. if we have something to hide because it is bad, then something is really wrong with our morality, with our spirit. i really don't think i can take that; and i don't think i want to grow to tolerate it either.

when i hide something from you, despite you persisting, it's because we're not close enough, not close enough for me to feel comfortable telling you those certain stuff. in the real world, i really aren't close to anyone at all. at least not by my measurements of "close". but in my dreams, hah.. you really don't have to know. cause.. well you know.

must two people have the intention of becoming soulmates to even have the oportunity of becoming the truest, closet friends? it's plain to see that even in these circumstances it's not always occuring. but why.. why can't people just, embrace others who are in their lives, and let everyone, this group of people, be as one, close knitted community? perhaps there are things we might not understand of each other, or things that others shouldn't know.. there are such reasons, despite it all. perhaps certain knowledge might make someone do something rash.. or other situation. life is what uncovers all these exceptions in my standards, in my beliefs. it continues on. alone. why? am i not surrounded by people?

ahh. there are too many worries, too many thoughts. it's time to sleep. so i'm going to sleep. g'nite, all...

-friedtunes: Kitaro - An Enchanted Evening -
11:16 pm

Monday, June 20, 2005

Just wanted to let you know; every step you go, every meal you take, someone's
watching from afar. Someone's thinking of you, somewhere, somehow, in a way none
of us might ever understand.

It's always said,there's surely someone out
there who thinking of you before they go to sleep each night, and so many more
who love you without us knowing. But these things never really crossed seriously
passed our minds; it could be true, and i mightn't. But what we do know is,
there are people out there who we care about, in ways that we can't express, or
towards people who we jsut can't approach. Look at it this way; as it is for
you, so is it for others. maybe people from beyond or within our dreams, or
people we never really got to know. But there are only so many people we get to
know in our short existance on this planet, and i don't know about you, but it's
hard not to love.

So in times of trouble and discouragement, when we
feel all alone or so small, remember that there are people out there praying for
you; you just don't know that they are. there are people who would rush to the
scene if ever you needed help; but it's never been told. As we keep so much
inside us so does everyone we know. we're al only humans; we can't be that

Don't fall down; cause you'll only bring people from all
over, who you have probably never even really known, rushing into a great big
mess to catch you.

So don't fall down.

i can't send it. cause even though i know that's how i feel, it's still so hard to believe that there really are people out there.

can it be that i'm not alone. i hate to be ungrateful, but do i really walk alone with Jesus? i hate to be selfish, but is it so wrong to love and care so much that, no matter what else happens, nothing must happen to the ones you care for?

why then can't it be said. why the acting. it's done so much, it's part of me. the switching tempermental masks; i can control them, but for some insane reason i 've lost the desire to anymore. because it'll really affect nobody?

why can't things like this just be said, and expressed.

and so acting is a curse, and in song is there restraint. cause the music of deeper, truer feelings are just to.. deep and true. to be expressed so freely. why; i can't explain. someone, free me of these bonds...

- friedtunes: Lin Jun Jie - Lai Bu Ji Le... -
10:58 pm

Sunday, June 19, 2005
beh... today would have been a perfectly okae dae, actually.. almost a bit nice.. haha.. cause got my chinaman outfit lohh.. hahahah... perfect costume for all those imitations. haha. whatever lorh. aiyah.. basically got screwed up again. lemme rant.

ARGHAGHDSASIDASJNDijnogASPDMKSKDF moksdmfokmo. i have to get outta here. finish this, 'school' thing.. i've got loads to thank God for. i have my eyesight, ignoring that i've got to wear these stupid glasses. i can walk, talk, hear.. no deficiencies in particular, except to chinese medicine, HAH to that. and other stuf which nobody really wants to know about. but i'm a perfectly able bodied guy. maybe too able bodied. behh... seriously. since i'm so perfectly fine and normal, why can't you people just let me be?? let me go chase my dreams. the worst that can happen is i get supremely depressed and stay that way till i meet my death by some series of events that will seem so, natural, when it has happened. if it happens. but that's nothing.. i mean. it's like you people always say, ne? what is death? completely serious now. ugh.. i mean befoer i was worried about stuff. that i need to do. but i'm beginning to think, ugh, i'm alive NOW, why can't i do it now??? so frikkin useless... and you can go on delaying your death cause u have to do these things. and so you don't do them. as an excuse not to die. wt-.

seriously. the thing is, i believe i can acheive these dreams. i'm not stupid, just short of slightly smart. i didn't get into RI by luck. well, not completely anyway. i can work hard; if it's for a cause i believe in. something that i want; someting that's good; something that i believe can be done. i think it's that last requirement that has lead to me "disappointing" so many people. As accused, here i stand. so i disappointed you. but that's because you expected things of me in the first things. you expected normalcy. you expected an average guy. a hopeless, robotic zombie in the crowd. no go, people. there are cool people i know, and all, well mostly. well. some. okae, everyone has his or her downfalls. i should know. i have twice my fair share of them. and that's why it's not fair. but that's diversion, and i should shut up about that.

a guy has dreams, and there are many guys. guys. but this one can't stand being roboted into being an "average, middle-class, working, useful member of society". please. why "at least be this" and "at least do that" when you can be your most? yeesh... all the restrictions, and the blahh, making no sense at all. granted, that's only half of the troubles. a lot of stuff is, as we know it, put in place to stop us from harming ourselves. fine; i'm playing that game. this is a temple of God on the hop, can't get it smashed till it's time to go see my Maker. but that's it. if there's a reason not to do something, we won't do it, once we have the evidence that there is no reason to do it, and that there's something that deters us from doing it in the first place! d'oh.

okae. i'm done. i had other stuff, but they're gone now. whatever lorh. ugh.. gonna have to gather the posse, haha. see how.. wonder if arthur be back in time to catch monday's practice. whatever.

ooh.. blehh. right. the very reason why i came here tonight.

there's this thing see.. and i haven't been doing it. i mean, i haven't done it yet. i told myself, yea, i'll do it before this date, but them pooff, the day came and went before i even knew about it. well, i should have know it would come that fast, but blahblahsplatter and so on. but now i know, and i haven't done it yet. so blehhhh.

and i'm not talking about my homework.

yea well, i haven't done that either, but it's something closer to heart and soul, see. yea, whatever.. sighh. i really make myself hard to approach, don't i.

it's cliche, but i can't help saying it. it's kinda de ja vu that batman returns from my childhood to remind me of this.. how should we say it.. character of mine, again. so much for batman begins.

- friedtunes : Jay - Niang Zi -
10:28 pm

Saturday, June 18, 2005
heyy.. crazy week ahead.. uhm, finish all homework and projects, choir every day from 1 to 6, or something liddat.. beh.. sooner or later, it's gonna be toh or me.. can't take the way he treats ppl no longer. anyways.. then there's still RCS camp, and Youth retreat.. hem yea..

peoples is gone, arthur is going to get *****ed by toh when he comes back monday, hoho.. aiyahh, toh can go and screw himself lah. full of crap. whatever lorh.

eh.. seriously.. teachers nowadays, simply no passion for teaching lorh.. and i'm nt talking about in schools lehh.. schools ah, hopeless liaoz.. cause it's simply a grounds to remove any passion teachers have.. cause of what, teachers' social life with the staff (lol), seriously lah, attitude towards teaching and students, no matter how gd a teacher, sooner or later will kena one... but tt's just majority lah, must say surely have some out there who can ren, then ah, pei fu pei fu lorh..

haiya, in my time ah, teachers still must talk what, is the student worthy of teaching or nt.. if the student has the fervency, da passion, the drive, and furthermore the talent, people all lai bu ji want to sou ta wei tu di ah...budden, now what.. you don't pay me, you go to hell lah.. i teach what teach.. -.-" yea lorh. anyway, whatever lorh.. nt even toking abt payment, anyway.. lol. but seriously.. some people like want to teach dowan to teach liddat.. haiz.. their shi fu seriously choose wrong person to chuan sou their talents liaoz..

my heart pi chaa

aii, whatever. headache, headache.. ow. bye.

5:33 pm

Wednesday, June 15, 2005
yea well.. back again..

feeling better just now.. lol, if you catch my drift. hanging out with those guys always oes me some good. gets me to lighten up and stuff.. haha.. whatever lorh..

hm.. the trip details are getting more solid. yay for that. hate having so much stuff that we can't just decide now, just cause some people are being selfish and holding everyone back.. ah whatever.

* * *

eh, whatever. lol, nothing much to say, really.. it's quite messy. i can't think. blah.. there's an email i really should send.. should have sent it as soon as i thought of it. aya... but i just know it'll screw things up. just know it. blargh... how how how, what to do.. kae, fine. nth.

eh. aiyahh. i'll go now. before i say more stupid, vague stuff to make you people think funny stuff about me. and i don't meen funny as in, funny, lol. nope nope nope~

- friedtunes: Tension - Tell Me Why -
7:44 pm

ayy. headache lah. loads of crappy stuff, putting me in situations i really dunno what to do lah. aiyahh.. whatever lorh..

my homework is ready to kill me... every time i go into my room, they go, DO ME!!!!! so i'm doing my jap thing outside on the dining table >.<

anyways.. random thots, results of reading too many random blogs.. see lah! whatever lorh.. anyway during holidays people really blog more often. lol. human blogging habits; what, documentary ah. aiyahh.. it's true lah. nobody really falls in love and stays that way. whether we realise it at first or nt, it's really a process.. then we realize we've loved ever since da beginning.

whatever. okae. now i have to get off, so soon, cause evelyn is back from one of her friend's house from doing some project thingamadoody. ciao then..

- friedtunes: - Wang Li Hung - Xing Zhuo -
4:16 pm

Tuesday, June 14, 2005
where do i start.. ugh.. don't want to start griping about the general stupidity of ppl.. mustn't.. ah anyway.. what. hm.

a lot of poeple are going away... yes i know you know.. or maybe you don't. whatever. well, let's count, shall we? joel, arthur, valerie's gone to taiwan, danitza's going to korea. hahaha.. it's temporary, for the latter two, d'oh, or i'd be a lot more pissed of with myself for no particular reason. yea well..

but that's just in the physical sense.. wwell maybe there's dual departure for some, but then there are other conditions and implications.. blah blah. nobody wants to hear that. yeesh. that's something about blogging. there's things you want to say, then there's things that you can bear to write somewhere that anyone who'd actually bother would come and read, then there's things that you can't let anyone know, ya know? not just anyone, anyway, but you didn't want to hear that either, did you?

blargh.. been trying to get a way to buy stuff online. my stubborn, 19th century parents refuse to let me use their credit cards to purchase stuff that's only available locally online, then repay them in cash, and obviously there's nothing much i can do about that. yeesh. been sourcing for ways.. and it seems that the only possibility is getting some job ad getting paid online through paypal, so i can use the transfered credit immediately.. hahahah... who's gonna want to hire a 15 year old, to do what? i can't bring myself to do those click-for-cash things, like some of my classmates were/are doing.. it's ridiculous, really. click a link, and get one ten thousandth of a cent. so all ya gotta do it click it ten million times for a dollar! and you can only click it once a day! but there are loads of such links, you just have to find them! woo! ugh. seriously. that is for people who have got no life, and are totally useless bums who haven't got a talent to their name, or are simply to lazy to use them.

but then again, who's gonna hire a 15 year old. lol.

sigh.. going to wenigerode on the fifth, coming back.. when? think it's 14th..huh.. ten days.. will be fun, i guess, but tiring.. tiringly fun. blah, who cares, so long it's fun. to many worries back here.. wanna drop them for a while. music is such a temporary solace. friends last longer.. as long as they're with you. haha....

aya, just.. remembering things. reminiscing. haya, it's just.. dunno how to describe. just tt feeling, ya know? nobody will ever coin a word for that feeling...

always lose all thots when i sit down to type. stupid people preventing me from using com. it's not like i use it for hours on end, or something.. just once in a while, and still, gotta block me.. sheesh. whatever.

thinking about the trip.. haha.. it's a convenient way to avoid the troublesome things at hand.. wondering how i'm gonna use my shuffle, i need a com to rechare it, and it lasts 12 hours.. haha.. guess i'm gonna have to use the DCube.. 128 mb only.. but at least it runs on rechargable AAs..
hm.. it's summer over there, or something.. haiz.. and thot i cld have some nice weather, for the while i am overseas... haiz.. but at least there will be long days.. everyone will be dead tired by the time the sun goes down.. i'll have some privacy, or just a few guys to hang wif..

hm.. what else. eh, yf.. guess i'm going for the nite. just see how it turns out, i guess.. but i'll stay the nite. haha.. if you're reading, pardon me if i seem really tired.. haha.. people really underestimate singing. it's really tiring.. physically. and mentally. really. so i might just drop. haha.. better sleep i bit i guess.

been listening to Tension's Story again. haha.. been a while, i guess. but it brings back memories, the heck. nostalgia is good. better than all the other feelings i'm feeling now, anyway...

buaiz for now then.

-friedtunes album spotlight: Tension - Story -
10:54 pm

Monday, June 13, 2005
it's over.. what can i say. fine, it's done your way. and this is the result.. blehh.. i shld never have turned away.. there are things i've learnt. whatever made me ignore them... ugh..

anyway. fine. it's done. it's through. nothing more, nothing less to say.. argh.. everything is falling apart.

month back it was like...arthur and joel were like sudenly, oh, i'm migrating to sydney in the middle of the year. permanantly. until further notice. and it's like, wt-!!! and like, then arthur goes, oh, not going already, parents changed their mind. then joel was gone. yeesh... was so sick tt time cldn't even go to send him off. what a friend i am. heck, when will we ever meet again.. hahahahhahhahhahaa... ridiculous... hm.. then now... arthur suddenly announces to everyone, bye guys, i'm leaving after i come back from the germany competition.. it's like he never even mentioned before that his aprents had changed their minds about going over... and like, poof~, he's going again. and never told nobody, never told me. hahahahahhahaha.... why shld he. i mean, we're only just friends. hahahahahaahha..........

blam blamblam. everything falls down. haha... reminds me of that toy soldiers song. lemme find it...

sighh.. nth can happen for real anymore nowadays. choir's gonna be a real drag with arthur gone.. but i guess two of em were going sooner or later. but it was going to be just next door.. hahaha.. somewhere where we could still meet and go hang out somewhere together, see.. but then, wadya know. God's mysterious ways, eh eh. sighh... what i am doing..

anyway.. i thought about it, and i can't quit choir. seems i'll even have to take it in JC, and stuff.. i need motivation, man. i need something to keep me doing something. otherwise i just stop dead. it has to be of use in mah life.. it's like.. english. i tok kok all the time, as johnny says.. it helps my english, haha.. to and extent. and i write, and i think. haahahaah... in english. subconciously, i guess.. my chinese ain't near good enough for me to put across all my thoughts. of course, there's stuff tt can't be put into words of any language.. not any tt i know, anyway.. but then i only know two. huh.

i need choir man.. or something. some people.. some people who love music just like that, ya know? i don't care if you like classical music, or country, or jazz, or da blues, or any other stuff. i can dig it, lets make music. 'cept hard rock, but that's not the point. i need something happening, something to keep me doing, man.. i'm afraid, that if i quit, there won't be nothing much left... i would have da freedom to stop singing. to stop making music, any time i wanted.. freedom can be scary, man. i can't let that happen. i can't survive in this world alone.. i need people. that's what motivates me, doing anything.

so it seems i'm stuck with ban toh for another 3 years. unless, some miracle appears.. i really hope, ya know? there's a lot of miracles in mah life already, but.. heck. i pray, about stuff, ya know? i believe in dreams. but there are things i don't know, so i pray.

ah. there's nothing left in emto say right now. there's just thing way with it, it just comes and goes whenever. but now there's nothing. so bye..

- friedtunes: - Eminem - Like Toy Soldiers -
12:51 pm

Thursday, June 09, 2005
i don't know where to start. maybe i'm wrong. i think i've been lazing around. but there's really been a lot to think about.. things to sort out. relationships are so screwed, i've left them; all of them, just stuck there, at the beginning. it's so stupid.. i feel horrible.

then when they start to work out, i screw it up.. i don't know what i do. maybe, it's cause i don't do anything. huh. how in the name of applesauce am i supposed to know, if you don't say?

but that brings to the issue at hand.. there are so many things, that i try to handle all of them at once, fail, then take each of them and try to solve them one by one, keep failing to solve each one, but i tried again, hey? but there is always stuff that i forget.. and so life goes on, i hop here and there from situation to situtation.. then suddenly i remember someone i've neglected.. and i find out what i missed.. as best i can, but that's not saying a lot, is it? no, i haven't been doing my best. cause i'm afraid. but i shan't undertake to discuss my failures and cowardice in that aspect again.

"everything is very simple if we just, OPEN OUR MOUTHS and ASK.ask
whatever you wanna know. and you don't need to suffer such agony. ASK. such a
simple thing. but i don't know how to do fact, lots of people don't know
how to do it."

it's true, it's so infinitely true.. i can't open my mouth and speak, and ask. heck, i can't even confront you, if i have to say it in such a serious manner.. i can't even confront you, and talk to you. i can't even say your name, huuh. that's how pathetic it is. i know that i should just give up all this hiding behind shadows right now, if i really have learnt anything at all, but it's just this thing.. like the same reason that people will still commit crimes despite the fact that they know the consequences, and besides it all, that it's just wrong.

i know there's really nothing much for me to lose... or i think so. and i know that i only think so. that's just the trouble, maybe. no, it's only one of the troubles. i know that there's a chance, the smallest chance, that perhaps you think more of me. maybe you've been thinking about me in some similiar way, but how am i to know.. without putting everything on the end, and asking? just by asking, by talking.. everything that is now would change.

this is the situation. i don't hardly know you. what i do know, it's all guesses. really. i read your blog, hahh. what crap i am. i try to understand, pathetic me. but i don't want to understand in this way.. but i have no other means that i have had the courage to undertake. i don't know what's happening, in short. because i can't see things though my eyes, that can't be too reliable, simply cause you're not me. btu i don't dare to ask you. cause this is the situation. i hardly know you, and chances are you not only hardly know me, but hardly care at all. this is the situation: we don't hardly know each other. i can watch from afar, and do what i want. restricted to that. until i rake up the courage to do something that actually involves both of us, it means nothing. nothing to you, or anyone else, simple because i have nobody.

i don't know what the situation is. i don't know how i feel, how i'm supposed to feel, let alone how you feel, simply cause i haven't asked, and you haven't told without me asking, huhh, why should you. i'm an idiot. it's nothing like a crush. don't look at me like that, all of you, i just *ugh* tear out my hair. i'm losing hair this way. i read, and think, and think, and think too much perhaps.. and i run my hand through my hair so many times.. and it's *ugh*.. what in the name of lemon pie shall i do... and my tabletop, my bed is covered in hair. hha.. sounds gross, maybe.

by whipped potatoes, nobody even knows who i'm talking about, not even myself. of course nobody knows, not even you, unless you are reading this.. then perhaps you might guess, from that extract i took out from your very mouth.. or fingers. simple because i never said your name. it's absurd.. i can't. i don't know why, really. i thought i did, when i started writing this stuff, right from the top of this page. but i don't. blargh...

yes, the truth does hurt. if it hurts. but how can we know? unless we find out? but i won't find out.. because it might hurt.. so i can't bear to.. it's such a stupid thing.. it's like Scarborough Fair all over again... *ugh*... it's like... the incident in Seoul.. except maybe not so.. sentimental. but maybe it is. it's like those last days in BPPS. huh, but that was just a crush, and it crushed. it's over, but other feelings remain - what am i doing, that's beside the point. it's all so familiar, it's like deja vu... all over again.. everything is going to be taken to a pinnacle, then i'll be tossed down, and i'll hurt someone, or disappoint, or something bad.. and i'll be crushed for a period again.. and then i'll be in remembrance.. it's all so familiar.. i don't want it to happen again.

i tried to make myself send that email before. to someone else. saying something different. hahh. but in essence it's the same: to someone whom i don't know, yet.. met. somehow, met and didn't know. i don't kow how i do it, it quite amazes sometimes. to have met, so many times, for such periods of time, yet not knowing each other.. blehh.

but i knew frmo then start that i am going to send that email. to you. frmo the beginning of this whole matter. now, when was that? all the way back in P4, in 4J? perhaps.. or maybe it was just months ago.. when i started taking notice of you again.. because there was soemthing perculiar going on, or so it seemed to me.. now it's not that perculiar as before, but still.. i don't understand it. that's just it. that's it. i don't understand it. but i want to. i do. blehh. because i care. i don't have to write anything.. it just can't be written. it's not something that can simple be written out like that. i can't believe it... it's just.. unbelievable..

but then something you wrote, and i wonder again.. if this whole thing is such a good idea. mailing you. maybe i won't. maybe i shouldn't. maybe you'll think it's fake.. maybe you won't care at all. maybe you've see too many other frauds.. i can't do anything about that. can i? i gotta try.. i guess i gotta. there's not much i have to sacrifice.. yet this little bit of a relationship, this pathetic relationship i can strike a claim to, that i know you and you know me, and you can say something about me, and i guess, i can say something about you, though it's not much, it's not something bad.. i don't see any reason for you to see me that way. not excessively. but only because you don't see me a lot, i don't butt into your life so much, to put it in such a negative way. that's why we have this relationship we have now, and as pathetic and inexcusable it is, i cherish it.. it pains me to have to put it on end, though there's the smallest chance that things might become better.. but i don't know what society is going to.. people have seent o many things,, things that hurt.. and don't want to try any more. i can't say anything: i'm one and the same. there are things that i'm adverse to, now, for all these painful experiences i've gone through. maybe, just maybe, this is one of them. after all, this will be the one true time i'll do such a thing.. if ever i do it. i've tried it before.. but i've always lost courage. what if you think i'm being sarcastic, or overly emotional, or fake, or something? i don't dare. cause i'll screw up our acquaintanceship. or might.

it's true. that's what i'm afraid of.

blehh. what can i say. i have to try sometime... not on you? of everyone.. i don't want to lose what little we have between us. there are people, who i thought i could love insomuch, but there are always beliefs, such firm beliefs, that i can't accept.. i can't undertake to change. it's not my position, i have no right. that's what they would say, and that's probably the truth. what am i saying.. it is the truth. i can't but into their lives like that. there's no excuse. just jerklike behavious. but.. i wish we could be pulled closer.. somehow.. sighhx.

is it hopeless afterall. is it??

i don't know.

i don't know if i can even bring myself to try.

haiz. i guess.. just have to see. but i can't wait much longer. after what i saw, and i heard, what i read from what you wrote, i can't wait too much logner.. i'm going to have to make a decision.. blehhz...


oh, and i get this feeling that my sentence construction is getting haywire, with all this cheem, long sentences i find myself using when i try to express my feelings..? is it? all this writing is only making my english, my thinking-language, worse? hmm.. shall have to switch to another language then. oh well. lol... just joking.. i think it's alright. i'll live. but thinking does develop language.. to think in another language. hm i shall have to do that. start with chinese, perhaps... then once i can even grasp the japanese "alphabet", if i may call it that, all the a i u e o, then i shall try.. haiz. stupidpeoplewhoarealreadyproatjapanese. i shall be a master of languages... i shall!!!! i declare.. i can't play music, i can't be a scholar, i can't be an artist, i can't be a sportsman.. then i shall speak. if i can at least speak a person's language.. only then is there the possibility of reaching into a person's heart, isn't that right? but language is such a deep thing.. it almost goes right to the soul. maybe it does. shall have to immerse myself in it.. once i'm ready, though.. perhaps that's right. i have to start where i am, then go where i want to go.. perhaps i should go to china. there are people i know there.. nice people.. kind people with whom i have made... accquaintance.. haiz. but the environment, and the people.. it is what i dream of. so i shall achieve it.

nothing will stop me yet. what, every step of the way, if i believe, and i desire, ignoring all logic and only listening to my heart, i have got there. well.. perhaps logic has taken a side role in all these situations.. that's why i can lay claim to what i have now.. but perhaps i wanted wrongly. i don't really want all these things. but then other people would claim that that's my inappreciation speaking.. bleahh.. all you you, your opinions, they tear me not into twain, but so many, so many pieces..

oh well. i have to stop now, of nonsense will come forth... i guess that all there is left to do is, think, and act..

haiz. does anyone even read through all this stuff? lol.. why do i care? i don't know.. but i do. hahh. tag there

- friedtunes: Scorpions - More than words -
7:14 pm

Wednesday, June 08, 2005
well, everything is as it was.. just as bad - or good, however you want to see it.

there's not much left.. everyone's busy. nothing to do nowadays.. i mean, sure, there's a lot of crap that's got to be done. work, and projects, and stuff i have to do sooner or later.a lot of stuff. i mean, i need a job, need to get some competitions settled out, then there's project work, and to top it off there's school competitions and crap.. what the. but i just can't get anything done. i can take out that whole dang pile of homework, and sort through every single piece. every one, i tell you.. and there's a reason not to do each piece now. what the.

everything that's left seems to be piled up at the end of this whole period of crap. crappier than the normal, i don't know. but it's pretty bad, whatever. there's cyberstudios camp from wednesday to saturday of the last week of the holidays, and there's intensive training that week too, cause Toh has some other overseas competition with RCJ chorale right about now, so he's not in singapore.. for pretty much the entire holidays. huh. lucky buggers, all of them. he's coming back in time for the last week though, so it's full-day stuff all week except sunday. i wldn't go on sunday even if there were any, anyway...

then there's that youth gathering... to tell the truth, i don't know if i should go at all... there's no way i can get out of choir practices, not these few.. not until the competition and ceremony is over. what with all the, grooming the next batch of leaders crap/stuff. i don't even know if i want to stay here. there's other stuff i want to persue, that's for sure, and it would probably be for the best if i got started before going to JC, unless i want to make a fool of myself over there - and i don't. but it's provbably more because i don't want to get stuck with this "leader" thing..

maybe it really started since the beginning.. i try not to say much about it, but where else can i say it but to myself down here, lol. clifford and the gang.. whatever. they were really supportive, and blah blah blah, going on about all the stuff, future chairman leader crap/stuff. whatever. it's always cool when they do that, ya know, feels good. how could it not, lol. but really, the weight of the responsibility is coming down... or rather, the realization of the responsibility it's going to be..

i'm not going to be chairman.. not because i don't want to, which i probably don't knowing the circumstances and Toh and everything. i'm not going to become student conductor either, cause i can't match up in terms of musical education when it comes down to that, in comparison to all the MEP (geeks). it's bad to say that of people i know.. but i'm jealous, really. but i never could settle down to music lessons that way.. i mean, it was fun at the start, but after it all, they just made it all to complicated.. haah.. i guess i'm too simplistic, huh. but that's the way i see the world. the only things that are complicated are the things that go on inside our hearts and our minds.

either way, i don't know what those guys have in store for me, even aurthur won't say, but i bet he just doesn't know, lol. haiz..

yea, suddenly i started reading books again, like, actually. lol. sitting down and reading. ya know, just to escape the homework.. it sorta makes it feel better to be doing something else.. hm now that i think of it, there's some assignment in that i gotta read some certain books... can choose frmo a list or something, i better check that out, i guess.. haiz.

just minor stuff.. i went and whoop, totally cleaned out my itunes library. lol. and so like, my music is all over in all sorts of wierd places in my directory on this computor.. lol.. realy messy. but it's cool, gives me something to do, searching around and listening to old music. it's nice, actually. mostly old songs, even all the way back from P5/6, when we did all the multimedia stuff that was needed around the place.. haha.. not that i was in PA, but the CD's that were BBQed and sent out were done good by our guys and gals.. haha.. real nice stuff. not that i did a lot though.. lol. haha.. not very helpful that time. but haiz, i wasn't quite the person i am now back then, was i? that society was.. quite different. yet somehow it bring back sweet memories.. lol. but they're going.. yea..

"More Than Words"... "That Thing You Do".. and stuff.. haha.. mp3s we just plonked around. BPPS is a dying place now.. in the light of the spirit i saw in the school in the past.. but then again, it started dying when the few batches before mine left.. and i guess us leaving finished it. though, to older eyes, it may seem that the spirit was lost even before we left.. haiz.

oh well.. just browse around the web now.. artistes are everywhere now.. in all forms.. stand up comedians, singers, music programmers, etc.. the works.. mediocre, but so much better than myself.. haha..

then there are the elite... people so good, so good.. yet lurking around online.. haha.. but it's a personal thing. but oh, to have such talent.. haiz. megatokyo, applegeeks, all these artists.. just so good at what they do. and it's something i would dearly love to do, had i the gift, or even the capability to produce anything close to what they could.. haha..

then, needless to say, there are people around me who rise above even in the thing i have the smallest claim to. i hear a girl of 17, just burned an album. chinese, i say, haha.. there are so many of them, who just go and burn albums.. the most horrible sounding, there are so many spoofs that i hear about certain unfortunate, foolish people.. haha.. but this girl, just like that, she's going somewhere big. and she's good, too.. haha.. i heard one song of hers. even came up with the words, tho of the tune, i'm not sure.. there we have it, a singaporean high school graduate, just barely, with such capability, with such talet, with such grooming... it's encouraging to see society growing so, yet it disheartens me.. discourages me from my own little path which i tread..

oh well. it's getting late, so says my parents. getting exceedingly annoying.. i can only honor them so much.. haiz. oh, the schedule.. i haven't settled yet. oh well, i guess i'll have to go for training, then i guess i'll go for the youth retreat thing.. but i can only stay till the next morning, so i hope i make something of the night.. then i'll have to leave early for breakfast, then leave for bishan.. training again, then go and conclude cyberstudios camp, which ends third day morning, 10 am, no less..

or i could do something else.

enough now, i have to force myself to stop.. my mother personally irritates me mow, her presence in such a form in which she presents it now is ever so irritating, i can't think straight.

chow then.
10:52 pm

Saturday, June 04, 2005
blargh.. things are so screwed.

i've dug up all the old jap books and stuff i had. links and stuff. some real nice stuff. but i don't know whether i can do it. i only know that i have to.

feeling more useless thatn ever.. if that's possible.. everything i've tried to achieve has only fallen over on top of me, buried me under a mountain of crap.. completely hopeless.. how can there be people i know who are so nearly exactly what i want to be? that if just two people combined their skills, tt wld be exactly what i want to be?

i've got no perseverence.. no guts to do stuff tt ppl will redicule. well, if i knew it was something right, i wld do it definitely. i don't have to back tt, you people know me. but i'm not talking about sense of justice, i'm talking about thick-skin-ness, guts to just go and do it.. cause the consuquence is i change the way how people think about me. heck, i probably would be even more upset than i am if i actually knew how people really thought about me, but change is, for some reason, even worse. i don't know. nothing makes sense anymore.

reading my old material, stuff from friends, or rather aqquaintances whom i somehow managed to 'borrow' stuff from, stuff online frm people i barely have met and spoken to and with.. everywhere it's just meet and that's it. nothing more. why..

comepletely losing hope liaoz. even if i manage all this, where is it going to put me. i was forced to ask that question, in the end. and the answer was what i always knew, in my subconciousness; most probably nowhere anyway.

last nite i dreamt again. i don't know what is it, there's something i have to know, or encouragement, or just.. dreams.. my dreamworld.. it was someone's birthday. yea, i know it's danne's bdae, but tt doesn't fit in.. everyoen was there.. almost.. arnold.. the 6k gang.. geof? for some reason.. even liying was there. i don't know what's the connection, lol, why liying after so long haven't seen her. but certain people weren't there.. and i was going to get something. buy something. haha. last minute, it seemed. but it was fine and okae, everyone was there, cheering me on. just there, for me, ya know? like can never happen.. but there were some people not there. and it didn't feel like they were missing. i don't know. it's like they were not there for a purpose, and i knew it, and it was fine. how could it have been? there were people i loved who weren't there..

anyway, i woke up, of course. it's always the best scenarios. it was this, rediculous dream void deck. lol, against a slope, like one i got my scar from when i was P1, and those typical stone round tables with stools around them, and stuff.. just atmosphere. just like those days. that i forgot. in my dreams, they came back.

but.. blinding heartache. everything is fake. i can imagine all i want. it could have been anything i can dream of, someone's birthday, or something bigger in our lives. so many people, two special people, so many two special people..

blinding heartache.
11:49 pm

Friday, June 03, 2005
i'm not so sure i want what i already have anymore... people stun me.. how can you do such things? then before me, you go, "huh? no big deal what.."

i never was anyone. i don't know if i wanted to be; want to be now, or every will be. but what i think i know is that i never was anyone, and i aren't now. i appear in so many people's lives, just barely more than a passer-by, then i'm gone and the memory is faint. don't you people feel that way? of course not, because by the time there is reason for you to, you are victim of this ploy... this scheme i did not hatch, but for some reason manipulate.. or am manipulated by..

i can't say it. cause that would only make it even more true. but there are people.. people who i long to hold close and comfort, only to comfort myself, who feel the same. 6K is.. not quite there anymore. i can't quite remember those times anymore. i just trust in the knowledge that there was once a time, when i remembered, so there must have been such good times, there must have been peace at heart. but what good is that. i can't even recall those times anymore. they can no longer bring me comfort. even the days of reminiscing are over. we are no more. not so long ago, we spoke of a great gathering. we would have been strengthened, all of us by the presence of one another. but before anything could happen, we are no more. we were stopped in the midst of our dreaming.

don't you remember? if any of you even come by here? you kept a link, a sliver of a memory, but you never checked it, you never looked at it again. it's no longer valid. you spring clean your life, your mind, of all unwanted memories. no; you didn't throw out my memory. i'll give you that. but you did nothing more. that memory is with you, but it is dead. if you don't believe me, check it. it's been dead for so long... so long... ... only you never checked it, and just kept it. the world changes; even i am forced to change. and so the memory you thought you could keep without cherishing is dead.

i remember. if i spoke of it, you would remember. the last few times, the few of us who were really the ones. the heart of the group. simple gatherings, at orchard, or at our own plaza, where we spoke of such great things we would do together. not with words, not always. it's the language of the world, that which is always being spoken, which everyone can speak, and everyone will understand, if they listen. laughter for no reason, purposeless walks. no: there was definitely a reason. our souls, for those moments, were held closer together. we can't be split up now. i can't accept it.

i have had many dreams in my life thus far. i've had dreams in the day and dreams given at night, recurring dreams, and dreams that were so special to me; dreams that brought fear, dreams that encourage me, and dreams that i try to remember from when i dreamt them, just to get that warm feeling, that can only be gotten from.. what is it? that emotion of pure joy and comfort.. but it always leaves me. i forget. beautiful dreams, but the memory leaves me, no matter how hard i hang on, and i have nothing left to draw that emotional comfort from.

when i was a child, i dreamt my parents' dream. i admit; they brought me up with the intention of being a normal person; a relatively great one, no doubt, but a normal man. i dreamt of becoming a lawyer, for what reason, i know not. no; it was for money. because they taught me, if only i had enough education, if i did well in school, i would have all the money i would ever need. they never said what the deal was with money, but it was all they ever spoke of. i was a child; so i strove for it.

but that was so long ago, and quite soon i lost that dream, because only the best of earthly parents know what is the best for their children, and mine do not. i dreamt of getting just enough money, enough to live like a normal middle-low class man. then i would do as i liked, i would travel and go where i pleased. but soon i forsook that dream too, for the world told me that we must work. if there were such an easy escape, many would have taken it. but they work, and i knew i must work.

so i dreamt. i would be an architect; or a teacher. i would create. i longed to express myself, everything that i felt, and i had to make everything exactly how i could dream it to be. so i had to be the one. i had to create. it was the natural route. or so it felt.

then i remembered, and i knew i didnt' really want that. i could fashion my world, but just outside whatever thin shell i could make, everything would rage on, and i would know it. there had to be somewhere which was already fine. i had to find it. i would work, because man must work. but i would work just enough in one place to get me to another, then i would work again, to go to another, until i found my place.

but now, i don't know if that plan was feasible. such an existence.. who would have anything to do with me? a man who seemed to wander around aimlessly? i cannot.. i need people. if i sought, i sought for people who were good. a community which was good to my eye, and to my health. but as i type, i realise that such places must be made, because there aren't enough of them. there will never be enough, because our world is governed by such a system that does not allow for enough. but i can't create such societies.. i can't even make myself as one with others.. others must embrace me, so tightly, or i would float away. so hopeless am i, so apparently empty, that after a short while with no response to satisfy, even the warmest wonder. who am i to do such a thing?

no. i cannot stay here. not in Singapore. i can't stay here yet. i have to get out of here. maybe i'll decide that i have to return as soon as i set foot out, but i have to get out. there has been too much pain here. too many things i regret. maybe it's hopeless. maybe i will go everywhere and i'll make every country i set foot in as i have made Singapore. a place which only holds painful memories for me.

right now, i don't know what i'll do. but for starters, i guess, if i am to go away, i must learn to speak. maybe i cannot communicate truly with others, because i do not know them, as they do not know me; but i can learn their language. so i'll learn languages.

it's true. nothing is simple to me anymore. because nothing that this world has told me i could have is simple. so nothing i have in this world is simple, and nothing i do in this world is simple, and nothing i see, or experience, or feel in this world is simple.

only my salvation through Jesus was simple. so there i'll go when whatever i must do is done.

nothing here is simple anymore. but i don't belong here.
10:19 pm

it's been a while. accursed body, i've got this chronic weakness to bronchitis or something. i never fall sick with anything but it. and it taunts me with the same afflictions each time. afflictions that i am helpless to overcome. only God heal me in time. time that is not mine.

it's been a while, and i've been hesitating. whether or not to say anything. and i've decided not to. it will help nothing for others to know so much. not at such.. random choosing. for once, i've dreamt of someone specific. telling of specific things. but i know not this person in this life.

why does God give us such dreams. not those where we imagine of what our future, our presence on this earth may be, but those given in sleep. some say they are our innermost desires, our darkest secrets, some even claim divine messages. i don't know what to believe, so i'll just believe what i know i can believe. these dreams may be true, or they may be false. if they be true; so glad am i. God would have blessed me in a way which i have dreamed of. both in sleep and in consciousness, after i knew what i dreamt in sleep. if not.. then it was just a dream. or God has blessed me in a way i know not. maybe i will in time; maybe i won't. maybe it matters not.

i don't know what i hope for, by saying all this here. not for too many people, or certain people to see. but there is.. uncertainty. a tearing of spirit. what to hope for. this way or the other, or yet another.


there was a specific person. you know that now. one person, whom i met first. conversation was casual, then we parted. for no particular reason, it seemed. then somehow, my family, as of now and blood, comes in. money and goods change hands, as can be imagined, what of the nature of my unfortunate bloodlines. somehow, that person is involved. yet not as the main protagonist, to them, but to the side, with me. i overhear a telephone number being passed, and my family leaves. afterward.. we speak. i'm to get that number.. some things cannot be said at all. then i leave. and i wake. before i can get the number again.

i'm torn to delete all that. it simply isn't how it happened. but it's as much i can bear to tell just anyone, in as crude and rough a fashion as i can. but it was not. the nature was only the opposite.

enough. one thing i know is that i don't want to stay here. perhaps what i seek is here, in Singapore. but i cannot find it. i have to get out of here. then perhaps, when i have to return, some time... but perhaps it is not here at all.

i have motives and things to accomplish. but i've failed to get anything done.. what am i to do with myself. i fear my body will fail before i can accomplish what i want. yes, i don't know if it's what God wants. i only know that it's not something that God has told me that He does not want for me, yet. so i'll go for it. He said He will never forsake me. i'll live as long as i have to, i guess.

i think i've been saying too much. since long ago, when i started speaking of what i thought were omens. i didn't. no- i don't even know if i did or i didn't. i don't know what i thought they were. all of you.. you think you can read into my world. you make claims, professors try to analyze student behavior. i don't want to know if you think that it's a phase that i'm passing through, or if you think i'm infatuated with someone, or that you have no idea what i'm speaking of. i don't want to know. because i know that only what God sees, what God wants counts, but i can't keep myself to striving for only that. because i am human. everything that anyone does, thinks, looks like they are thinking, anything that i think others are thinking, it affects me. my imagination tortures me, i don't know if i want to find out if my mind fools me, or not. my actions are cause by such a chain of events that i can no longer recall that which started it all.

i would like to say i've dreamt as a child. but i haven't. i blame it on my environment; why not? it is easy to blame others. especially when it may seem true that, as a child, when i was of such tender age, i was really hopeless to control which direction i went. was i?

there are too many distractions; my body is the greatest. physical appearance before others will harass me, bodily health threatens me, as it does now. how can i reach my goal, when i know not what my final goal on this earth is? all i can do is go where i feel i must now, reach for what i want now, and hope that it will aid me in reaching my final destination, if i will ever know where that is. but even now, i fail in reaching out for my short-term goal. so pathetic, how can i reach for greater things? i have not even the concentration of a fly, which may bother the horse for so long, despite everything the horse may do to brush it off..

i have nothing left in me to say now. except things that i still cannot say. because there is no one who i can bring myself to say to. i'll just keep trying myself, because there is yet hope, with Jesus by my side.
1:23 pm

  • i'm done!
  • erstwhile acquaintances to lifelong friends
  • so we all behave like we're that shallow
  • we told each other there is no other way
  • laying the wash
  • these are our personal wars; do we face them alone...
  • treasuring her for all it's worth
  • compose yourself
  • i have a theory
  • don't know what to do

  • please leave a message, after the post.