|archives connections journal|
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the continuous chain
Saturday, December 30, 2006
•interesting day.. haha.. it still hasn't really sunk in that it's bye to RV. oh well. questions about the future.. i don't really need the answers now. no point spoiling it for myself.
to know that we cannot know, that only so few things are either right or wrong, but daring to make a decision, to choose a path anyway. every step matters.
i'll skim through. nobody has to understand, it's just, saying it out and forgetting what i can, haha..
changes on the way, or are they really? people don't always agree, of course, but we can't always have our druthers. just play along.. see how things turn out. doesn't mean i have to agree with anyone. i'm just not, actively objecting. may things work for the good that is intended, or otherwise.. haha. of course they will.
connecting with people now, i don't want to lose it as time goes by.. and there are others whom i haven't seen yet. gah.. it makes no difference now, but the way i was brought up is screwing with the life i'm trying to make. my childhood was.. sad. wdv.
despite all that i say, i never stopped hoping, you know. i'm really just talking to myself. the story ended before it had begun. maybe that was just the prelude. to make me who i am today, seeing things in the way that i do. i never forget.. and i won't forget the new promises i made, even though things have changed. there's hope in so many places.. sometimes i can't help but think for a second, that just means more chances for disappointment. empty hopes. but when did hope require reason? only since hopes started getting crushed. oh well. eternity carries on despite us all.
yeah.. many hopes. noone to share them with. i dunno why, i just blurt things out. maybe i'm starting to stretch at the seams.. it doesn't matter to anyone.
i watch and wait..
•ok, i'm sorry. i just forget about the good side, you know? overly agitated. it's not without reason, but i guess it isn't that justifiable also.. i expect more of myself. oh well. living and learning. i'm learning a lot lately, haha.. hm.
praying for the year ahead.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
•yeah, i'm just about ready to leave it all behind. i probably had hoped too much, but they all had to be shattered at the same moment, so what the hey. i don't have to be a part of all this foolishness, as much as i love people, it's become a different sort of relationship, a different sort of emotion. i didn't know what was before, so i just assumed the best; now i know what isn't.
it all lies on a few simple things in the end, and at the bottom of the pile is: common sense. it's all common sense, what to do. it should have been built into you: i believe it was. are you going to blame the Maker now? no. you lost it, of you didn't develop it. it's the talent that everyone was given, and now it's not only buried, but lost.
laughter and fun is all very good, but in the end you have to know. it's the mind over body, thought over action. no matter what you do, you have to be aware, to have the consciousness. otherwise there's no purpose. why do you exist for eternity then?
sigh. i'm sick of it all. i can't turn to elder people that much. it's just something that was built into me along the way. certain things, yes, but it has to be us. i thought girls matured faster.
i can imagine so many ways i could be wrong, or judged, but just stop for a second and think why i'm writing all this. to get people upset? if that's what you think.. i'm sorry.
i'm not a very smart person, as i said. it's a side effect that i can't control. it's a message that you have to understand.
because i care.
•zz. uplifted then kicked in the spleen.
i was wrong. wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.
is there yet any hope?
awesome day. there's probably more to it, but i refuse to consider it first. woke up and 3am messed around on guitar.. i get so many nice melodies and progressions then lose them before i can figure them out and write them down. i seriously need to learn music theory properly.
10am chorale. my voice pwnz today.. muahaha.. high loh. summore wake up early early eat instant jap noodles in the morning. yeah. then went bennett's house learn new song. was quite ok, you know. our batch RV'06 pwnz lah. we own so many batches, muahaha. i think i fell asleep halfway on the bed or sth. anyway, 30th dec farewell to us, relevent people pls come crash add more life to this stoney choir.
then went off to marina south, 6k gathering.. it's been forever. i can't really say everyone's changed a lot.. some people have changed in expectable ways, some in ways that make me glad for no good reason, some are just.. the same, hahaah..
somehow today we managed to connect in some way. unlike all the past gatherings.. and i'd forgotten that we would meet again in RJ, some way or another, haha.. it makes me feel better about the whole thing, somehow.
and ignoring that i could be imagining everything, something, that thing tonight just.. renewed my faith in people. i believe i could be proven wrong about the other thing..
i hope that i am. soon.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
•amanda's covered the night's events.. so i'm not going to repeat, haha.. it was great. but i did stupid things that i can't forget, and some that i couldn't even fix on the spot even thought i knew it was going wrong. everyone seemed to listen when jamie spoke, but.. why but? i get the feeling that nothing's going to change.
and the scary thing of it all is that i know i can live without it all. i make my own dreams. my Father is always there, and i can make a new dream should people come and go, change and turn against me. i can make a new dream with just Him and the physical world, if i must. and i will, if i become convinced that all other options are no longer possible. if i'm turned to believe that there's nothing more in this world, other then the world itself. then people will become abstract, part of the physical world, not the spiritual. i can't say that would be a pretty sad existance then, because should such a thing happen, then it was my own illusion all along that the other world was possible. a world with people who saw, and loved.
i hope i've grown enough in the past two years.. so many things never seem to be enough. but everyone, becky, geoffrey, carlos, have helped me realize something. idealistism becomes an indaquate definition: every opportunity in life that comes along, every situation that forms, there's always the ideal, for each individual. or there was, when we were children.. we saw and we dreamed, what if it were that way? what if it were that perfect? and that's what i work towards. i imagine something to be perfect, then i try to achieve it. and it makes me ignore so many things, disconsider so many possibilities, even as i take the restrictions into consideration. past a certain limit, it gets tedious, and easier and easier to ignore, and just strive..
but is it so wrong? to try to be the best elder brother possible in a given situation, to be the best son possible in a given situation, to be the best friend possible in a given situation? to be the best possible kid brother in a given situation? who are we to one another? why can't we just try to be that of our dreams?
something this season just begin to make me imagine, consider. where all i have to be is the best possible son of my Father. where that's the only relationship that matters at all. sigh.. it's not His intent, the most likely, but it can happen. it could happen.
there's a song about our existence that never ends.
there's a song about our love that we must defend.
there's a song about friends that come and go.
there's a song about hope that seems to flow.. and flow..
i can't imagine a time without hope. from my limited perspective, there always seems to be something that could be better.. even when we live with Him in the heavens.
but it could happen.
Friday, December 22, 2006
•christmas shopping is fun, lol.. hard to choose stuff for some people though =/ and my wallet doesn't agree. he thinks it sucks. well, heck what he thinks, he's getting replaced as soon as i can find someone competent. dumb feller, from white become black.. zz.
talked with chinee wenhao they all during our first chorale prac.. it's a little encouraging, how they describe J1.. haha.. but i'll have fun, but i'll have to work hard too. these two years will be different.. haha.. help me ah arnold.
had dinner with someone from.. way back.. haha.. people change so much. not that i just noticed, but.. those lyrics always start singing themselves in my head at moments like these..
christmas is just symbolic, but i hope that in the time to come, i can really catch these people flying around my world and sit down and talk about things.. important things, trivial things, funny things. remembering the things of our past, dreaming of the things of our future.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
•i'm not pushing it aside, i'm just not mentioning it. cause i'm not going to do anything. that's as must as i know, for now. i got no right to think about it, if i'm not going to do anything. but i can speak about it.
can you imagine having what you dream of appear before you, and everything seems so perfect, and everything seems to be going to be all right from then on, then everything is taken away, you realize that it was all in your mind, you just imagined the beauty, you just saw things in too good a light to be true, you just saw the best when it wasn't? just believed something to be something that it was not, simply because you just desired it that much, and the slightest appearance that that something is what you've been waiting for, just sets off all the bells?
but in the end it's just a scam, and you can't blame anyone, because no matter what others tried to make you believe, or didn't, it was your own fault for falling for it, for believed what wasn't, for imagining something to be that which is it not, for dreaming in this world of realism.
nah, you couldn't.
i try to tell myself, you can't afford to dream anymore, to try again, to take chances with these things. it's too much emotional energy, you're only a man, you don't have that kind of capacity to do it again, and yet again. so no more speculation, no more believing, no more seeing if this piece of reality could possibly be that which you dream of. cause there's too much chance that it isn't.
people dispise self-pity, not without reason. i can do without it as well. i don't know what it is, but a part of me just refuses to believe that that's it. because my dreams can't come true ever if the world is such, and people are such. not till the end of eternity. a part says that you're foolish not to try, nobody pities such idiotic behaviour, and besides what would you gain from this anyway? nothing at all.
i gain nothing, but i lose nothing also. isn't there a story in the book warning against such behaviour? grah.
right, this is just making me more confused. i can't try, but i'm not supposed not to. but i can't!
i just can't.
Saturday, December 16, 2006
•i resent that radioblog has only english songs -.-
stuff is coming along.. wenhao gave me a call yesterday night, i'm looking forward to chorale with some measure of hope.. maybe it can be more for me then RV was.. not that i don't love RV, but i always felt that.. we should be so much more. gotta remind myself that every situation is only as much as you make of it.. but you gotta admit, not everything is in our hands. it's not true that any situation can be turned to good if we just look it in the right light. but sometimes it even feels right to fail, to get hurt, to have to get out of the room for a minute.
cause when you try to live life like a drama, with all its beautiful twists and turns, ups and downs that come together to make it so.. it feels good to be aware of the many things going on. on that note.. ignorance isn't innocence. don't degrade the virtue so.. for me, it's to be cherished as humility. haa.. but whatever.
yesterday went out to shoot pool with geof.. just played for a couple hours. its moments like these that make me think about existence as a whole.. and the life we will live before the next in some sort of premonitory retrospect.. the things we can do with it. together with the ideal of architecture, there was.. this purpose, to make a picture.. a place of sorts, on the cliffside, detatched rooms here and there, pathways, hidden nooks and cozy corners in the rocks, and cemented areas of course. if eternity continued as such, and we have the leisure to do the things we can't at the moment, bogged down by neccesity.. to plant a mustard seed and be able to watch it grow into the tree whose greatness we have heard, to divide one's time between contemplation and joyous, joyous company.. those are the only two necessities for me in my existence, i think.. there is no need to wait. eternity has already begun, i already speak with my Lord.. only time is lacking, but what is time to a man who has assurance of a secure future? with someone to watch over him? only a certain uncertainty, the temptation of questioning, the questioning of one's own faith.. it's not easy to just trust, utterly unknowing. innocence.. i don't think it can be regained. but then again, even innocence is relative. i just cherish those who have it, if it can even be measured, more than i do..
yearning for the time when neccesity will truely bring only joy to those it forces itself upon.. yearning for company as dreamed of, as written in stories. now, it is true that everyone is lonely.. we only touch one another briefly, then move apart, because of fear, because of goodness knows what.
two years, then a newer world, and already one in the next.. but in the end is everything always changing, or is it all actually always the same? love less or hate more? kill less or save more? maybe it's all unimportant. in the end the big picture for me remains the same, so i should be concentrating on the things i did 4 years back.. but why can't i have that innocent fervor once more? things have changed.. i feel the difficulty of the task. yet.. the more i force myself to contemplate it, the more i know i have to try.. two years, then a new world.. maybe, then it'll be easier? i doubt it.. but it really is so hard now. it's not about the lapse of time, it's about me. it's about courage, about acceptance, and about love.
fine, things are different now. things need to be done before the world crosses that barrier.. but even that tempts me. to be selfish, to choose. what right have i to choose? yet it seems that it is somehow in my power, and blood will be on my hands.. grah. it's a horrible burden, and now i can guess how it came to be that i gradually came to throw it off, little by little.. but it needs to be done.. even more, i need it to be done..
please, guide me..
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
"unassuming wisdom was never meant to be exalted, only respected.."
tension just has a song for me for most occasions.. haha.. love it. to sing like that.. to have such people to sing with.
geof's back, that noob lost his passport, lol..
time's coming.. things happening. special things.. praying for such, and those to come.. be in the present for a while, and be happy, people.. haha.. it's the occasion.
here's to things better yet to come.. haha.. and those that already are =)
Monday, December 11, 2006
i once was lost
but now i'm found
but now i see
how sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me
i once was lost
but now i'm found
Thursday, December 07, 2006
•nothing major. back to life.. the st. john's aura is still there, thinking about the things i didn't have the opportunity to on the island.. too many things have gone wrong this two months.. i need to meet some people before the new year comes.. haiz..
people.. somehow i feel kinda isolated, haha.. it's just that feeling of, watching you, don't want to intrude and spoil a beautiful thing.. also, people from before that i haven't seen for so long.. visits that are long overdue.. gah.. i keep saying it, but somehow it never happens.
a lot of things that i can't say, cause i don't understand either.. so yeah, nothing much. becky's just amazing.. someday i'll be able to compose like that.. hahaa.. =) count on it.
Monday, December 04, 2006
i'm just at a loss for appropriate words, at this point, like so often.. it goes beyond song and lyric into the need to be present there and then, to feel the wind and sun and hear the voices and touch the people. i did take the opportunity to find some peace regarding matters, but the island just plucked me up and dumped me into new ones =) i really love these people, more than i can ever show.. and i've learnt so much. but beyond it all, i'm grateful for the peace in my soul it has given me for the time.. forgetting long troubles and busying myself with newer, oddly pleasant ones. it's like a part of my mind is amused at me, how i busy myself and become melancholy about the little things that have popped up, from these few days at the island. they'll feel like eternity, and a dream.
some things will stay to worry my at the back of my mind, and i'll be grateful for the chance to brood about these things in the near future, when the old things of the future return to my mind to trouble me again.. but none of that for now =] gah.. there are just so many thoughts, but i just can't bring myself to say it, because that would make me think about them, and spoil the beautiful feeling..
there are certain songs that voices have never shared, words that hang in the air, but aren't words.. people aren't blind. it's a confusing thing to think about, how people pretend to be, but aren't, and sometimes come out and reveal their minds and eyes and what they see. it's heartening somehow. haha.. somehow i'm just diverting to troubled things rather then talking about problems solved. i must be some sort of unconscious sadist or something..
it really felt great to live with my family in the Lord, for these few days.. i'm not very close to anyone, but there is just the shared consciousness there, that we are one.. maybe it's just my imagination, but i like to believe that it isn't.. it's such a wondrous change from life at home. i could continue my eternity there with these people.. maybe one day my Father will give me such a chance. who knows..
there are just so many things to talk about, i simply don't know where to start, for fear that once i begin, i'll lose my grip on others on the edge of my subconsciousness, and forget about them completely.. maybe it's enough that i keep them there for the time..? haha.. or maybe face to face we'll exchange. that's fair, isn't it? haHaaha..
i can sing again. even on the first day, with the advance party, there was some pain, but i went to sleep and tried to believe that it wasn't that old trouble, and when i woke up it was gone, though i was with that headache i get from sleeping too much -.- it came and went, but i doubt it's anything serious.. i can breathe full, and at this point i'm ok, so.. hahaha.. crap, i digressed. i want to serve more.. contribute more, somehow.. in new ways. people do worry about the church growing, and i want to help too.. i will always have the painful remembrance that there are memories that i cannot share with everyone, but there are greater needs.. and i do have the desire.
haa.. it's hard to let some things go; some things go willingly, and i let them, some strain so hard to fly away while i want to keep them close, and some.. just linger, and i don't know how to feel about them.. or how i should feel, or what i should do.
i'll try.. on other things.. fiona's coming back on thursday, we'll be going to get her, haa.. heard they all did just fine in the competition, my raffles voices too =) i'm glad, but i know you all can sing better than that! come on. people without training sing with sweeter voices. haha.. that's the problem with me, i'm just too demanding of everything, or something like that. self included.
geof will be landing on the 12th, and christmas draws near.. the next 2 years of school give me a towering sense of foreboding.. i just got to do better this time.. i've cut too close to the line the past four years. and another new thing is, i'm not so sure what i want to do anymore.. yepp.. doubts have been planted.. maybe design is the way to go instead, or maybe i will take a plunge into music, artiste or not.. i don't know.. but for now i'm staying the path.. i just hope that i'll make the right choice when the time comes..
yeah, i'm done.. there is a lot to say, but somehow this just doesn't seem like the time to say it, and maybe that time is never.. now i just want to live in this peace as long as possible.. because it's starting to fade, and only certain things hold yet.. i just wanna say, you guys made me really happy for a time, and i'm eternally grateful for the things we have shared.. =)
poetry that i can't share
after it all i went to speak to the sea
the island speaks a special message to me
Saturday, December 02, 2006
•so many things to say
so many people in my head
i'll keep this short then;
maybe when you see the photographs
of yesterday and before
maybe there'll be a face
that you'll be looking for
but look it through my eyes-
replay the scenes in your head
the pictures hold more than one tale
after your own is read~