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the continuous chain
Saturday, July 29, 2006
•i'm done. chucked everything out of my room, wiped the whole place down with dettol and put everything back.. now it's a picture =] not the best i could do, but with what i have.. haha..
going through everything for the millionth time to see what's worth keeping or not, this time i opened the boxes of stuff i always kept. i have this.. thing, of keeping certain things in this way.. i'd arrange them; messages from loved ones and distant acquaintances, treasures and mementos from journeys to faraway places with friends and (family). individually, they tell me stories, of the past i had, the friends out there, and how many more places in this world hold memories for me. all sorts of memories, good or bad, now that they're over, they give me this fuzzy feeling. neither good nor bad.
so i take the things i love because of the memories they hold, and i hide them away. i arrange them into a picture, in a little frame that i hide under the bed, or in some inconspicuous place. i treasure them the most of my belongings, but i don't want to see them too often. familiarity breeds contempt, they say, and in this case i really am afraid that it may be true. that i may end up taking certain memories for granted, and lose them. these are times that i loved; i want to be able to call them up when i want to, even if it means i forget sometimes.
the reason is.. i thrive on these things. i lose myself in days present.. too many thoughts, counterthoughts, arguments with oneself, within myself. it's a war i fight with myself; what i believe. these things.. they remind me of lessons i've learnt in times past, and i learn new lessons that i never could have. and sometimes i pick up things that i've missed, a little picture of my past teaches me that much. and its significance is because, it is mine. they are a part of me, that i try to become more aware of.
a couple years back, i was younger and full of emotive writings, when even i myself wasn't sure what i meant. i chose to dwell on certain subjects, make myself moody over certain memories i wouldn't let go into the box. during that time, i'd already learnt bunches of stuff. i learnt that love cannot be confined, but i didn't really know what it meant. up till today, i'm still not entirely sure, but i feel when it means, somehow, when i go out into the world and see the people walking too and fro in the city, and the clouds going by above the trees by the highways.
i was given the burden even earlier than that, of the thing that i must do. it was because of love, and i thought, could love be a burden because of this? now i think not; but there is nothing to blame it on. it's only mankind's fault; but there's no point discussing that, because i'm too weak and useless to do this thing. He told me that He's giving me the strength to do it, but i don't know how to do it right. i don't have the courage. i'm afraid that i'll get it wrong, that i'll lose the ones i love forever. forever is a scary concept, when it comings to losing and love.
it's hard to believe, only four years ago, music came to me. now we're in love, and i'll never let it go. music has taken me everywhere, its taught me as many lessons as people could, and more. but it taught me because it was music. i never learnt from its mistakes, and it never taught unwittingly. it's a part of so many memories that i keep. quite simply put, i wouldn't be me today without it.
she didn't even stop there. music brought me out, gave me this veil that was confidence, and showed me lives that were touched by her too. i had already met people touched by others like her.. by love, by nature, by passion. i learnt that as much as music could do for a person, there were places where she couldn't help, where we have to find our own way. but there is always someone else who can bring us along the way, and there's Someone who is there all the while.
whilst i walked this earth, i never really got to know a lot of people insanely well; deeply and intricately. but lately a lesson tried to teach me; not to think too deeply, because our heart reads and doesn't tell. we just feel it, and we know. and we can trust our heart, because it has proven itself to us countless times. then the lesson went on to show me how my heart treated me.. and i feel like i betrayed her, despite the times we're had. because i never trusted her enough.
even though i've learnt to somehow look into people's pasts, it really all depends on whether or not the person is willing to show it.. and sometimes, for all my ignorance, i just don't understand. for all my experiences, there are multitudes others that i haven't felt, and others i will never know. i thought and thought, and really, words just don't do it for me sometimes. in the past i could turn to other things.. but now there are so many commitments that i never chose. ahh.
but even now, as i try not to judge, i see things behind faces and actions and words. as studies began to stress me, and other things adding to it all, i see things that make me irritated at how immature people can be, i get upset over how much people are trying but still can't see.. i see how people refuse to grow, and most recently i see how there are other people who feel and think and grow.
it's.. heartening, something powerful.
•so many misunderstandings. oi PAP, we DON't want you to be hip and cool. we have one another for that. we just want someone in charge who we can trust. trust to keep things right.
of late i've been in some sort of daze, neglecting so many things.. i dunno when it started, dunno when it's going to end. too many blessings.. haha.. but there are issues that i haven't settled also, and issues that i haven't thought about. or rather, that i've avoided thus far.. i'll have to face them someday. better if it were someday sooner than later.
well, now i know who geri and ann are. better to know your prospective sister in law sooner, eh? zz.. anyway ytd everyone ran off so fast. wdv loh. wonder what the chalet will be like. dropthefork has *click*ed, but choirfour.. nt yet bah.
missed yinC ytd too.. haiz. bet you all had fun.. zz.
the rain suddenly started, and now it's coming down extra hard..
you made me think again of how thoughts arise.. about how i want to help so often, but i really don't know what to do, what's going on. how to react, when i'm standing there and you're crying. it's quite dumb.
ah nvmind. it all stops suddenly. the rain has, but water's still dripping down the roofs. i'm talking bull now. i should go.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
•i keNa-ed from xiNyi.. who was in a happily random mood, i'm guessing. ppl. learn from her. but don't tag me. =]
"Once you've been tagged, you have to write an entry with 6 weirdone. yeah, i filled this in backwards.
two. except singing. i'm glad.
three. for some reason i develop interests in stuff that i suck at. like drawing. and math. and chinese.
four. i'm somehow getting through four years of school without really doing stuff with people in my class(es). dunno. just.. something about certain people.
five. i sing. where i come from(wierdcrapland) people seem to think that's pretty wierd.
six. i hate anchovies. -.- the way they put it on pizza.. it's pure evil.
"INSTRUCTIONS:1. Do the following without complaining.2. Choose 5 people to doFAVOURITES:
color: white and brown. and green. and black.
food: is hot chocolate counted? pie.. and pastries. haah. i'm a fat crap. soup. pasta. korean-style bbq =D
song: bossa nova, similiar jazzy stuff. quality choral, chinese pop.
sport: beach soccer, bball. pool isn't a sport right? lol
day of the week: depends on what's the schedule for the day, duhh.. every day is different =]
season: all of them. every blinking second.
ice-cream: i'll be cheap and say chocolate chip
mood: sick of waiting for stuff and pissed at school
clothes: yellow OBS and diesel shorts
desktop: some tropical scene.. where i wanna be.. zzz..
surroundings: shoulder high stack of cartons behind, yet to be unpacked.. desktop to my right, papers thrown everywhere. this is not my room -.-
annoyance: stupid teachers, stupid ppl in sch, stupid school. argh, why did choralfest end.
thoughts: i need to graduate(to lose all these dumb projects), and suddenly become a math and physics genius. a nice bonus would be finding a vocal teacher, and nice ppl to sing with =D the last just may come true
best friend: hm. danny i guess. HCI now. lol.. we never really talked after graduating.
crush: can i say i forgot her name? lol.. i was 6. well, u asked for the first.
movie: some wierd sci thing @ omni
lie: like i can remember something like that.. can't even remember first crush's name -.-
music: must have been some piano thing.
cigarette: not in this life or the next
drink: ribena. lol..
crush: zzz.. u say first.
movie: oh. long time. let's see.. do u count high school musical? lol..
phone call: to geof.
CD: Audiophile Bossa Voice Compilation II!
HAVE YOU EVER:
dated one of your best friends: nope. best friend is a very.. restricted position.. haha..
been arrested: nope.
skinny-dipped: when i was a kid Xp
been on tv: not purposely.
kissed someone you don't know: nope. i'm boring u aren't i, lol..
4 things you did today: breath, finally file my stuff, be pissed about all the projects and my class, think abt random stuff, like this friday and tomorrow and running away to st. johns and rj and designing the toilet
4 sounds you can hear right now: my sighing repeatedly to myself, spasmodic typing here and on msn, noisy ancient fan, silence everywhere else..
the Chosen Five to do this!
5. zzz.. sokyin, but i bet she will just dao again -.-
Saturday, July 22, 2006
•post-choralfest, and one day of school.. really a lot of things to catch up with, things that have become overdue without even being given.. pah. screwed makeup tests, and mr beng hong isn't very encouraging with news on how our senior batch is reacting to raffles programme.. they should have listened to us in the first place. it was a dumb idea. like i said; in the end, who suffers because of their error? the students.
choralfest had the odd beauty to it.. sort of like after our concert, but more.. warm, more all-encompassing. yet kind of distant. new words could be coined every day for feelings.. never really got to know ppl properly, which is always my regret, but faces will stick. it's like.. somehow, we've met before. but we haven't. not really.
but the essense of the whole idea is what i really like.. random bunches of people getting together to sing good music. and we all really love the music; you can just feel it, simply being amongst us. besides, we wouldn't have signed up and affected our studies if we didn't, would we. it's sort of like how i somehow signed up for RJChorale. i can't control it.. i don't want to be subject to certain restrictions, but i've got no choice. i can't resist it; i need to sing this way. that's the addictive effect of singing in a group.. it must feel lonely to be a solo singer in the music scene, if you've ever experienced this kind of music before.
anyway, choralex, as they call it, won't be a failure.. in our individual, unique ways, i believe we'll all keep some sorts of contacts, develop certain relationships with one another. acquaintances, friends, perhaps close groups if we dare take our acquaintanceship that far. but if nothing else, there will always be faces who stick in our minds for periods of time.. i can't speak for anyone else, but myself.. there will be certain faces that will pop up, whenever you mention choralfest 2006 to me again. it's like korea. and many other things. faces that tell stories to me, just appear.
* * *
kae, suddenly remembered about the forum, haha.. a lot of (spamming) action now.. lol.. well, really waiting till the next time we meet. online we can talk, but i want to put a face to words, you know.. haha.. perhaps you would too? hmm..
yeah, i lost the momentum. people have that way of doing that.. well. kinda regret this.. should i turn up for choralfest 2008, it wouldn't be the same experience, cause the JC choir would feel so out of place, what with all the sec sch ppl playing around.. haha.. but perhaps we would meet old friends, eh? so.. gotta try for it. till next time..
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
•i'd forgotten what it was like.
..this isn't supposed to happen at this age.
it's been a few years.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
•i thought i kicked u outta my life? why do u suddenly appear?
it was always my own inadequacy, and will continue to be until i cease to fail.
i remember what i swore.
supposed to be designing class t-shirt.. rather, supposed to be doing hw, but would rather do class t-shirt, so was doing to do that. internet's down, using wireless now, so gotta thumbdrive it all over to my PC. a couple trips. found some nice brushes.. gives me ideas for christmas this year.. haha..
choralfest continues tmr, and it's coming to an end.. sadd. performace is on thursday, but not missing sch. major math test on thurs, plus physics test dunno when. three full days of choralfest - missing sch. math and bio and chem.. missing a lot.
taking a risk with dmps.. illegal activity. a split second decision to take the risk to get the other courses that i want.. but i'll be found out. it's a sure thing.. the question is what the penalty will be.
thinking of.. joining drama in RJ. don't know.. just a thought. don't know what it wld be like. wonder if toh wld be desperate enough to let me do both. and i need to find a teacher.. wld wenjun know? awkward to ask.. haiz.
you never bothered about the music
years back i'd let you go
you never heard a single note
why then does my heart beat faster?
Saturday, July 15, 2006
•i want to get my bridges up. watched HSM today. i want the range, i want the experience, a teacher, the involvement. the confidence.
and the other person.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
•i'm really tired just now, came back from the cdc's annual performance.. was quite good, but i learnt something else.. which is kind of why i'm feeling so tired now.
i don't know if i want to talk about it.. it just seems so futile.. pah.
just before the concert got me some bossa nova music.. didn't really choose properly, from that CD shop in tanglin.. hmm.. i'll probably end up going there more often. just like how it's so quiet..
got interested because of revived interest in the girl from ipanema, which we did for ensemble, and i remembered from this guitar track i had somewhere.. and now i'm lost in the music. it's my new love, you could say.. haha.. yes.. a fickle heart, but i somehow can't help falling in love with this music.
recently saw Herbert Grönemeyer's music video of Demo(Letzter Tag), on danne's blog.. and i love it too. the song, the dance, the music, it's all so exquisite. it's beauty, something i've loved all my life. isn't it natural for man to love beauty? for the same reason i fell to architecture.. because it's all part of the same thing.. beautifying every part of our lives. the things we hear, the things we see and the things we touch; the place where we live.
the pain of tonight's performance was.. something i somehow connected to all this..
an actor in an amatuer drama, has to pluck up the courage to throw himself, heart and soul, into the emotions which the scriptwriter devoted him/herself to, and such is the vunerability of an actor. one choice is indifference, which, i believe, cannot last long. and of course, there is the straitforward acceptance of who one is, how one appears. coming to terms with oneself, being comfortable with oneself, however one is.
i'm too arrogant to cheat myself with the former, for all my obsession with beauty, and so incapable of the latter. they say, one's greatest critic is oneself, and i can only hope that it's true.. friends give me so much hope. you alone can make me feel, what am i thinking about, this is all temporary. i'm really, too flattered by u guys.. but when i'm not drunk with inconsequential emotional blankness, i just get lost in all the things this world has. i realize that beauty doesn't bring happiness either.
that's what i learnt tonight. i've dreamt, imagined, how life might be like, if i got "lucky". i would graduate, and get a job in some architecture company, eventually become an independant designer somehow, throwing myself into making such environments as i can dream of, travel and see all the arts and cultures, learning and teaching as i lack and have, passing my life. but what happiness can one gain from such a life?
suddenly, the feeling that none of these can bring any real satisfaction. friends will leave me, mostly, for work, for marriage; my works will be distorted and mauled by this brutish race, and i'll watch as the world's most beautiful cultures succumb to globalization. nothing we can do on this earth can bring true happiness for long.. and beyond that, somehow i feel so uncertain.. for some reason i just lack that blind faith.
it's that dreadful foreboding, that grim feeling, like the ghosts of christmas past, present and future.. except that i am they, and i'm telling myself. and there is no reprieve for me.. at least none that i know of.
*deep breaths* kae.. feeling better now.. lol.. contrary huhh.. well.. now somehow it's clearer to me, in another step, and it's pretty scary. i'm not exactly the epitome of selfconfidence either, so i really don't know how to react. well.. just go along with whatever He sees fit to reveal to me.. and see what i am meant to do with what i learn..
Saturday, July 08, 2006
and so it's over. freaky short, lousy repertoire in general, scrwy many many, but i almost forgot what gives one that stupid grin after a performance like this. spastic jokes about one another, laughing and cheering, clasping hands and many a slap on the back(and chop to the chest =] )
toh was only half correct. the music is one thing, but then there is the people. in the artistic sense, the concert was pretty much a flop. but i think i can forget about such things for a while.. esp since ensemble did kinda better than expected. we all stayed in, just fumbled a bit in guaya but got back pretty fast. and the solos were too soft.. okae. wdv.. but it was okae.
it'll probably be my last concert ever, as far as i can see now.. hope to do more of such stuff with geof and other guys, maybe we could get an act together ourselves. but you never know.. haiz. well. still laughing over all the "go xiaotian! go ansai!".. lol.. luckily most people only know about xianchen as ansai..
now that it's over, toh has realized that he's got to be with us more if he wants to get anything done. well, duh. came back to work with us so shortly before concert.. haiz.. wdv. so he's demanding we start next wednesday already, for the year end trip. the verdict on my presence/absence is still uncertain.
欠钱还钱! broke from paying for the concert tickets.. >=]
done with gulliver's travels, ridiculous book. no lit for me in RJ. philo is discussing the legality of firearms and "drug abuse" under the american democratic legal system.. finding it hard to get into the discussion because the american model of democracy is so nonsensical. but then again, most are in their own little ways. in the end, every debate that touches on something specific always makes me think about my tribalism model again, and how it would so simply solve such specific problems.
yeah, and so life goes on. we're supposed to do our own music after the concert, but seeing as geof is already confirmed going for the eoy trip, there will just have to be some allowances made.. and still hoping to find one more guitarist, and drummer if kwok decides he doesn't want in.
ah. it's all just talk. i want to start doing.. blasted sch and its nonsensical redundant project work. thankfully we'll still have the oriantation months.. by 2008, no more.. haha.. so sad.
okae.. i've run out. on monday i shall claim back my youth day, but there's RE and english biography crap to do.. argh.. still haven't got the photos, video and biography from daryl. how'm i going to make the trailer like this..
well. i talk a lot of crap, and i'm still a few people. but i'm trying. you're probably right, adrian. but what about the courage to try to be even more mature that you think you are? the humility to see that there is always room for bettering oneself?
i'm still trying, but through it all, i always loved you guys, and always will.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
•i'm happy =]
i really don't have anything more to say.. or at least that i want me to say right now. i'm willing to forget about other things for now =)
oh, and i'm bushed too. man.. no dinner.. plus sch tmr..
ah. more tmr.
tell me quando, quando, quando
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
•after today, finally realized i don't play enough of the beautiful game.. haha.. took me long enough. never did too much in sch, and now i shall put the blame on my perpectually lousy shoes. did barefoot today, which explains some.
other than that, nth much. gotta buy some stuff for sch, but otherwise, just gotta somehow force myself to do some real work. project is screwy again, so that's one. waiting for the interview video to come in from daryl, then that'll be another. two tests before concert, even though the math was postponed for us. oh well.
yeah. maybe i'll get a ball.
may be moving back on the 22nd. pah. i like this place. moving back to uluville sucks.
Monday, July 03, 2006
•somehow in this life we've made, we're always trying to do so many things. we say, i gotta make the most of this life, i have to do this thing and that thing before i die. it just made me stop and think, we can't even come to understand what's going to happen after this life, so shouldn't we be trying to secure the things we do know of the life that will last for eternity?
kids don't think about life before their born. but after we are, wouldn't it be good to consider what to make of it, as soon as we can? but.. at the same time, we don't know what it really is like out there in the big, big world, and it could change anytime. in fact, almost definitely it would.. so nobody knows what it would be like. not now, not ever, until the time is come.
so what can we do? if we could only trust in our memory.. but i really can't. i can't trust anything that is now. the only thing i can trust, at least to some extent, is the presence of certain people, and the hope that i can bring my loved ones.
bah. today, youth day, nothing. sch as per normal, plus choir until 8pm. always come away starving from choir. i have to commit. gotta promise myself, i won't join chorale, or i will. as tiring as it is, i love to sing like this. i see how artistes do it for a living, and i could cry. in the end, the satisfaction is indescribable. it's in the music itself, in making it.
but all people aren't made equal, physically, as much as certain people like to advocate. we only deserve to be of equal social status, but we're all different, in talents. certain people have many talents, certain people have fewer, certain people have greater, and other have lesser. it's not something we can rightfully complain about, is it. we're just the creation.
pastor's message yesterday made me remember a few things again. a certain line of thought i had, and kept me down for a while. i think i tried to say it before.. maybe sometime i will, on the yinc side or something.
for some reason, just got this really sad feeling, like before. having to lose someone or something you love. i just feel that this music i've build for the last four years will go from me. that great feeling, of having the vocal chords all warmed up and giving me that voice.. and building on it, doing it with other people who feel that way too.
getting hopeful about EOY trip.. 250 bucks in edusave. i thik i can use that. so that'll be 750. should i spend that money.. the final run? i'm suddenly tempted to go quietly.. i don't know.
haha.. nowadays write less of my nonsense and kope more song lyrics and just copy paste.. hmm.. should i change back? haha.. never did like ppl who would copy and past the whole english song down there on the blog.. but somehow certain songs are able to show certain feelings. or maybe it's just me..
maybe i'll stop being lazy again. after this year.. this stretch of the journey will be over quickly.. only getting more tired.
冰块 还没融化 你在看表 我 笑的尴尬
你说 最近很忙 改天聊吧
那天 我在楼下 想了很久 想 你说的话
你说 爱情很窄 世界很大 (而我们应该长大)
我想我 听懂你 话中的话
微笑 紧紧咬牙 给你祝福 你 自由飞吧
你说 温室没有 灿烂的花 (你总是很有想法)
就这样吧 就这样吧我同意 可是我 泪如雨下*