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Sunday, September 30, 2007
blue suede shoes - •
well, it's been some time. promos aren't QUITE over yet, and i'm horribly scared for art, cause i really haven't been keeping up, what with trying to fix my problem with other subjects, to the extent of totally embarrassing myself in class by confusing one movement with another completely, zz.. i really begin to regret not going the humans path, taken geog, art, ki and math and h3 geog or h1jap, hahhaha, but it's kinda too late for this sort of regret. we'll get where we're going, somehow, hmm..
yeah, so i'm.. wasting time here, lol no lah, just trying to destress. woke up at 9.35 this morning and like zzz grope about the sheets for specs, then see the time on handphone WHOMP fly out of bed to shower, hahhaha.. but really tired, i think i'm reading a lot of unnecessary stuff for art, somehow, cause there's just sooooo much i read till 4am, i think i'm going to die. i borrow phrase: ttm.
i don't talk much about my church or God here, you'll realize.. i don't know, sometimes i ask myself what's going on too, why i am where i am, hahhaha. it's convoluted, but sometimes people can be frustrating, and i'm starting to babble. it's just that sometimes i wish things were just, better, too, but they can't be, and i can't walk away again, not like others can or might. it's like wishing to help, but this boy's already waist deep in other smelly crap called studies, and sinking..
and to top it off, it's that same feeling. every time i get the itch to do something about stuff, to organize stuff, to get things happening, i just get overcome by this horrible whatchamacallit. fear, or depression, whatever. i guess it's fear. so many times things don't work out because people don't have the vision, don't think they can do it. well if you don't do anything, of course you can't! sigh, i stop, yes.
but then again i've been through this, so i begin to ask myself, so what. if someone's got to try it might as well be you, you've somehow managed to bounce back so many times with only a broken heart and injured spirit that refuses to die despite having it's arms and legs lopped off a la black knight. what can i do, i guess i'll try if some part of me wants to. tired is as tired does, i'll try whatever i can convince myself to..
so yeah, big ole project yay ! i asked my dad, do you know what he's doing..? is he for real, but he wouldn't answer me. i'll just have to try and see i guess. in the end it's not about him anyway, it's about the people. i guess i won't die from one more awesome project being turned into farce by skeptical folks. it's just that.. it's such an incredibly disgusting waste.
it's most definitely not just there either. chorale's starting up, and i'm getting the blues again as you can tell, HAH ! it's no fun, i hate it. i need to do other things, i need to learn to live with extended failure. cause failure isn't a destination, it's a way of doing things that undermines the dreams that we had as little children and ran around on pebble beaches while your parents are waiting patiently in the car around the clump of connifers with your sis grumbling about it being late and wanting to go home, but you just have to find the biggest, smoothest, roundest "pebble" that you can pick up to bring back and nestle into your luggage midst the little red and white and blue polos with odd designs that all little boys have at some point in their lives, bring back home on the plane and then forget about it, only to have it put with so many other smaller pebbles from the gardener's in the little garden with the clipped grass and squat black light sitting alone. my dad used to call it "that 金枕头", which i never got, cause i'd go, but it's not gold! and he would have this lack of any sort of expression on his face when you looked at it. blank. come back to today, to 2007, these times are blank.
i don't like this, but heck, it's too long already. i'm not in the mood to take the effort to mess with aesthetics, art is cramping my mind up, why am i such an incompetent ***************** grah. i'll get this over with, fingers crossed and leave the rest up to Him, go shoot pool and spend money money money, run and hit and throw, bake something nice and ridiculous, start calling people, do PW, study for chinese and mug my ass off. i just refuse to believe that i couldn't do it even when i tried so hard. i must not have tried hard enough.
oh, and about Him. it's because it's a very personal relationship, that's the way relationships go with me, hahhaha. and because really, it should all be in your heart already, or someone's planted the seed, and singing to it too much may or may not encourage it to grow =)
Saturday, September 15, 2007
sweatdrop × "The Answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything" •is that what you're feeling? tell me the truth, tell me what you think, before the ink r
Post-exam list to end all post-exam lists:
✔finish all the TYS secretly!
✔juggle a ball longer than Gabriel
✔find a better place to resume squashing
✔pick up skating
✔redraw and digitize portfolio! (yeah right)
✔arrange a heck lot of super songs
✔whip magic up with Royce and Eugene
✔play more guitar
✔finally write that pseudo-tribalism paper
✔write and submit KI-IS proposal, write final paper(early!)
✔play loads and loads of tennis with chorale peeps
✔start running loads again
✔splurge on music CDs and wardrobe and books and gadgets and and and and and and and and and and and and and and
✔mug stuff in advance (that how afraid i am of falling behind next year..)
✔see huiqi again, finally
✔ultra pool marathon with amos and beeleng!
hopefully ask some people out/call some people talk to folks whom i should have a long time ago..
yeah, actually that's all.. i'm a pretty happy boy with my stuff now, little on-loan tablet and my smacksy watch, hahha i love it. it's like, beginning to understand adults' obsession with shiny things. shiny ! i still don't get the deal with cars though.
but it's also partly because it really feels like the year ahead is like no time at all, i can almost begin to panic about A levels. now with the promos i can say, ok, i'm pretty ready, i haven't gone over everything three and a half times till i can't get them out of my mind and randomly say scientific stuff in casual conversation, but i think i can get by better than in midyears.. but that isn't going to cut it for the As. i really feel the need to be so ready i start making people who are way more pro than me wonder why the heck i'm mugging so much, hahhaha..
yeah, well, all that for after. as for now, mug.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
raindrops on kittens •excuse me whilst i get out my chair and stretch a bit.. i'm drawing a little too much nonsense as someone has already very pointedly er, pointed out.. ahhahaha.. but it's been horribly fun, and i'm immensely proud of the one i did for my PW, hehh (: well, somethings will come when they will, huhh. i guess it's just better late than never..
twas amusing to chat about, what else, the future, even for a little while with a friend not seen for so long. =) somehow people like to talk about the future with me. or maybe it's just me, my fault. ah crud. ah well, but jokes, truly, imagine landing in the United States to begin your tertiary education and you go, like the typical Rafflesian, "wah! this place is some bomb!" then you can begin your stay there with er, very uncomfortable examinations of your body to check you're not some psychotic Asian terrorist, hahhahah !
most interesting puns, unpolished gem/gen/jans, they say it's good to teach the little children, to mingle with the more seasoned folks, good to have a mix of that good clean youthful humor all round that just puts a sparkle into the air and a laugh in our eyes every moment and step of the way.. dark blue jaguars vrooming menacingly around chinatown at night and the mission is, guide your Ahma to eat when really she's the one lugging you around the place. this is living, but why does the time have to be so wrong now.. Confucius say, listen to your mama! Einstein say, you learn from tests, not learn for tests !
but seriously folks, architecture just has no permanence nowadays. people are always messing with it, changing it, no timeless architecture is being designed, built anywhere anymore, everyone is just tearing things up, and building stuff so that it can be torn down in ten and a half years. there are no more heroes, i love Ito's work even though he's the top dog of these buggers.. where are the homes? where are the second homes at work, the solid libraries with the nice librarians where kids have studied since they were in the third grade, malls with their huge endless carparks where the older kids hung out. there are no more dreams, not since we drove up the west coast from navy preschool and home, away from that thing they called the Dream, the days when it was i who would fall asleep with my cheek resting against the seatbelt strap in the back when my parents fell silent on the roads and i'd watched my sister drop off eating raisins.
i'd make a dreamcatcher and see if it could catch yours or mine. wanna be a pilot, don't have the eyesight. want to be a DJ, don't have the gab. and there's disillusionment; law, journalism, entrepreneurship. and there are the undeveloped dreams too, art critic and curating, graphic design and advertising, music, interior design. whatever the reasons, the cost is too high, we cannot, will not take this flight because we've decided, decided..
this is the game: you give first, then we'll give you so much more.. it's the last chance, the last bit of time together before the crunch, the last opportunity to make the move before we're all shipped off to Nevada and other things that start with N and S and U and niversity. then the joke will be on us and fallen angels, who will enjoy our pain? the picture's from Sunday, brothers run and little girls and boys we all fall down. we sing,
your ways are mightier, oh mightier than my ways..
alright. i've bought my crisp brown paper, a sexy new watch is mine and scratched glasses can go in the closet soon. it's back to work once again, and seriously, i need a comfier chair, umph.
and so we bounce along.
Saturday, September 08, 2007
i just want a hug, eh. •frankly, she takes all the attention away from the building, for me.
There's no time for anything, folks.. it's the same old teenage angst, shucks i hate school i suck at this darn. and in my case it's horribly real to boot, shut up smart persons. in someone's words, i'm not on speaking terms with Chemical Energetics. darn molecules. i invoke Pyrrhonian skepticism and cast doubt in their existence !
the wonder that is Monty Python !
Also, whilst certain people play with Facebook, i while the little moments of time in between calculating the lattice energy of lithium chloride and drawing radioactive sulphite ions messing around on Deviantart like a sophomoric little adolescent. ugh, resists urge to mess with smelly old sketchbooks but still ends up wasting time doing random stuff. On another not-entirely separate note, sheesh why can't i concentrate and stop bumbling off to do other stuff. ok, actually that was pretty much absolutely related.
But seriously it seems like i've got loads left to cover, and it's saturday but i've no idea how i'm going to do my mini ki-is, it just halted when the holidays and mugging began. i'm really quite afraid, you can tell. studying alone begins to suck, and after going here and there since sunday i've been staying at home from thursday and getting gradually more and more distracted.
coming back online, various temptations, as you can tell.. Pythonian comedy, and now that i've finally got sound been listening to clips of song folks have been sending me for a hear, and watch that potter puppet pal thing -.- somehow snape reminds me of julian. or maybe it's the other way around. also, seeing as it was two in the morning, talking to some people was amusing and comforting and a rest from boring old papers and notes.. also doodled around(lousily) and discovered Corel Graphigo! cripes i'm damn slow. but yeah, it's nice, and it's motivated me to finally install photoshop on my little tablet, so yay after promos shall have loads of fun. this should make converting sketches a little easier.
alright, that's it. on hindsight the second paragraph seems quite huilin-esque, so it shall be my official huilin-imitation post! hahhaha maybe we'll spark off a trend. but darn, yongfeng will be credited as the idea guy xD
*cue poorly drawn anime*
Sunday, September 02, 2007
amusing trinket from bennett •
results repeat themselves. hm, that gives it points for consistency. no need to repeat experiment.
also, this page has 189 errors in the syntax according to Firebug. i wonder if it's a world record. i might get a prize.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
what are you looking for, miss? •been a pretty fine saturday staying home and sleeping in after that.. week, blasting music all day off the hi-fi, hahhaha, nobody can complain. hit the showers then the books, feels odd having the sky all bright already. actually got bunches of stuff done, with a little help, phone line is awesome, you gotta switch from top-up card to appreciate it truly, hehh. super overdue books sitting on my desk, papers waiting for dividers to be filed on the carpet, cross-legged in the corner on the bed with da bear waiting for water to boil. it's times like this when i'm glad i'm still here, that i've survived all this. it'll be an ok world, hey. people just gotta do stuff.
much work to be done, gotta ace the promos, haven't flipped through half my new japarchi book, hahha. ex-lit student here, so i'm entitled to coin a new word :D in between work riffled through old sketchbooks, ugh some of my stuff is really horrible.. but there's good stuff in there, messy, i'll get round to compiling my portfolio someday. there's plenty of stuff to do.. one thing at a time.
and somehow through all that managed to feel somewhat accomplished as i sit here tonight. need to get out a bit though.. will later on. also need to eat real food. oh well, that would probably have to wait till tomorrow. but already it feels like JC life is running out.. people don't really want to seize all these opportunities, to really know people. ahh.. not tonight.
but it's funny sometimes, the inversions a guy gets when somehow something from some dreamland or old photograph of memory pokes him in the head. then i really wonder if that's really how you see me, and how you think i see you. maybe it's just an illusion and we're just scary scared people, heyy.
and i realize there are really more relationships, shallow or deep, that i consider pretty private than just that. a lot of times things don't take off, and most of the time it's probably my fault. and for sweeping things under the rug too, when things just go wrong. but then i realize if i didn't think that it was all my fault i wouldn't be complaining and griping and wishing that it was otherwise. it's cause i believe that i could have done something..
but hey, the sands of time, the sands of time, poke me cleopatra, am i really asleep? elder sis and little boy don't all play with little tin cars and exchange ribbons and kisses at the same time or forever, they say hips don't lie but your pristine face is clearly telling me, now. now or never, and the music, hey the music makes me feel all your psychic vibrations and then whoa poof we're starting all over again, it's all about bouncing back from one fall, fall, tumble after the other, even though it's my greatest fear, to be stabbed.
but after all the ins and outs and ups and downs from close ones, what's a guy to do. they say, when the one i love isn't near, what can i but love the ones i'm near.