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Tuesday, December 25, 2007
o holy night •
i quite nearly went - and started writing a little while ago. it's a good thing i waited, though. i'd rather not do anything foolish tonight.yesterday night i would have said, it'd been a good Christmas eve, considering the circumstances. backspace backspace. not being able to do anything about it is still a new concept to me.. and you should be surprised, it's been so long. or it has felt like it. i just realized that my pen's nib has unblocked.. i thought it had been out of ink, even though i'd so seldom used it. that was not a special occasion.. say it like you believe it. i'm getting disoriented again, give me a minute.. there are just so many feelings falling like stars this season that sometimes i think i'm forgetting what it's all about. * * * i'll forget the other things for now. let's talk about what's special. truth is, i don't know what to say. this is so unlike before. i'm not very experienced, haha. asdkajshf. i'll be perfectly honest. i suck at waiting. i'm like a drainpipe or something, from when you pull the plug, you know all the hope starts to flow out, slowly but surely, but you never know when the emotional gunk is going to give way and the rate is gonna woosh. i can't believe i'm saying this, haha. it'd been so long, but it's also been very long. this sort of thing is relative. damn, am i giving excuses? can i just say, it's not rational, then. it's a feeling too. i believe it's a commitment, but how do you commit to someone who isn't there? i'm not going to go into all the speculations i've had. - i can't believe i'm even writing this. i know it could be this and it could be that, it could be that hey, i'm dense, i'm stubborn, i've been taking too long as it is. or it could be the exact opposite. I DON'T KNOW, dammit. gah. how did i even begin talking about this? to justify what's going on inside now? to whom? i'm going to stop here. this is just one thing. get me agitated, there other things going on that get me into the family's heirloom mood. don't need reminders, mail. how did the good feeling become this? sigh. it's very simple. i suck at waiting. so i make myself wait. i'll wait a month, i'll wait ten if i still don't believe me. i'm very good at lying to myself, so that's a necessary test, i figure. i've waited myself out before, i could and did make myself give up hope on things that probably could have been. there were always reasons. i'd take any to walk away, just to make sure that i wouldn't commit again until nothing in the damn universe would make me change my mind. not even giving up eternity. these aren't results, but there isn't supposed to be a switch that's there to be flicked. did i just grow up a little? why can i see a future here? this has been a year. i don't want to believe me yet, but i can't help it, and it doesn't help that i almost know that the time isn't right yet, not at all. i can't even ask the question. it's hard to be neutral about this, but for some insane stupid reason you're out there, go ahead and laugh at me, if you can. i would. who would have thought i'd become the tool lying in bed pining on christmas, with this record. you know it, hah. jealous? ashamed, maybe. all this thought and taking up space in my mind and all i've achieved is my near-transformation into a full-fledged woman. when do i get breasts? yeah. you'd probably never have expected it before this, but here's to wishing maybe you've a clue now. what then? i don't know, haha. yup. i'm nuts on christmas. so much for the true meaning of Christmas. 8:41 pm |