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danne |
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
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there are a lot of love stories out there.. so many are all dandied up, enough to make anyone cry. i don't know. it's beautiful, and it is doing the story justice, but.. begin to wonder if it's real. if it's just a mockery.. because when the story ends and someone dies.. it just.. it's a reminder.there are a lot of things people can make fun of.. so nobody will ever hear of it again after this. but there are a lot of people in this world.. i do believe that somewhere there's a perfect match. there are only so many people in the world at any one time. the perfect pair for that lifetime.. it's surely somewhere. but what happens when it's lost? today i had just wanted to talk about some other things.. things also about the past. but i received the mail.. i think i owe this to all the choristers who are true to life and friends. the choir really is a great people.. i know i put a lot of pressure and diss you guys a lot, but i do put a lot of trust and respect on you also.. the camp really proved that it's not misplaced. not everyone knows what i do, and not everyone needs to know, but i'm also happy that for the ways things had turned out that night. it's just goes to show that you can really be that mature. i really appreciate that in people.. i just want to say, i should have figured that it's not right to just diss some people that way, but i'm really not generalizing.. i'm just saying, you know who you are. what matters to me really is the passion, and everything that is embodied in the relationship between people. trust, respect, fair judgement and understanding. we are really a good bunch.. it's just that sometimes some people, who might almost make the majority if they tried hard enough just piss me off. but most of the time you guys really don't give them that chance. so i'm thankful. i'm not one to apologize, but.. i have to say, i'm sorry to certain people for the way things turned out because of me, just then and before. i'm just that kind of rash emo kind of person.. i hope you can understand. i do try.. but i'll try harder. i do a lot of dumb things around, but i'm just naturally a dumb sort of guy. maybe that's why i don't really deserve to be part of the big picture, but give me a chance, eh? haiz.. i know this is late. today, i'd been thinking suddenly of that second option thing.. and of course i started thinking about the past again.. doh'.. haha.. beginning to try to remember.. hmm.. what did i want to do after i dumped the garbageman idea in california and before i went arch-mad? remembering.. those days since we came back, every day was like.. haha.. come back from sch, would start reading all sorts of books.. those kind of kids novels on just about every topic you could imagine, and those kind of "1001 things you didn't know" and picture encyclopedias and stuff.. and of course, like most CA kids at that age i was quite animal crazy.. actually, not until maybe 6-7 years back then it died down.. haha.. those days any job to do with animals was really glorified all over the place.. and i remembered. evelyn had always wanted to do stuff like that as well, before she went all arty on me, but there was some point i was caught up with marine biology and marine mammals and the like, and evelyn was all, yeah i want to do that too.. haha.. but thinking about it, it really is a nice thing to be doing. yeah i know, i just can't find the right word to put in there to describe it. but it does fit into the ideal, and is something that i could really throw myself into.. i just never put any thought into it during these years. i don't know.. another funny thing is, i always found teaching a cool job, but just not something that i could pull off for too long.. haha.. that period of age when kids are kind of trying to act cool, but really they're grabbing everything and chucking it into their heads, and coming up with all sorts of dreamy ideas.. it's really cool, to be part of the picture there. like it is to be designing the environment, just in a different way. but it's always fun to be with people that age, and to kind of watch them grow a little and learn a little. there's always a lot to learn from there too.. and i have to believe that that really wound feel like the most rewarding things ever. it's just that.. haha.. it's not really my personality to be that kind of always-serious mentor kind of person. maybe in a pair.. haha.. but things are always more relaxed that way, at least as i imagine myself doing it, and anyways it doesn't work out that way in the education system. but it really is a cool thing. so really.. i'm just finding that there are a lot of things that i used to do that i need to start doing again. in some things, i've been hiding for too long. it hurts, but i always thought it would hurt more if i tried again to fail. maybe i should see if it's true.. and in other things.. i just left them, somehow, along the way. i need to pick them up again. to mature in the right things.. and to remain childlike in others =) i hope i can do that. i'm still praying.. it's always much nicer with someone else, but i've experienced the worst, as i imagine, before, and i don't want to ever experience another kind that i've heard of sometimes from friends.. that way, maybe i can tell my kids, yeah. as far as this life is concerned, we're the original deal. 10:52 pm |