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Friday, March 03, 2006
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last monday in the Lt. with the fluorescents off and the exit light glowing.. blasting nanquan and jay frm e minispeaks w/ geof.. life is seriously quite scrwed. can't even start thinking about it all now.. just too many things. thinking of perm hiatusing sch choir, it's so scrwed and i can't teach, all i'm doing is contributing to music that isn't even there.. but it wld be pretty irresponsible. gotta talk to toh.. but i don't think it'll happen. then of course there's church choir, but that issue is pretty much out of my hands. but then my weekends are all gone, 100%..
other sch stuff is just waay to confusing. reggie produced too much oestrogen, exploded, and she's taking it out on me, not to mention like ten other guys. all was trying to do was bring her back to the real world.. seriously. she's just scrwed. teaching is so not her kind of job. she's trying to force herself to be serious but can't, then yogi brought booboo along that day and booboo kept going wah mam, can u be my teacher, ur class so slack, hahahahahhahaha. stupid booboo. tink bear won't bring him in next time, lol, but damage done. but there's really no reasoning with reggie, cause she's just one of those people, like my parents, who just go illogical once the logical debate starts turning against them. just can't face up to the truth. and she calls herself and lawyer and a journalist.
those aside, 18 hrs a day, 7 days a week, all my time is really gone lorh. nt to mention sleeping. which is really why i'm thinking about sch choir and church choir.. cause i just feel i'm not really accomplishing anything then, i'm not really moving towards something. i want to be more proactive, i want to be doing something real. and if it's at all possible, i've told the birds and the sky, someone to push me on, to encourage me, for me to just be with when things are tough. but then life comes back and tells me i have waay bigger problems. but there's just that little part inside that says, i just can't put full heart and spirit and do my absolute best if not. so i keep praying.
the lights are bright, my head is throbbing. could you really love a person from now till forever? could you? cause i think about the things i've heard, and history seems to betray my trust.
composing is really hard. since you had to go and remind me, been dreaming too much about the possibilities, at the back in bio lessons, on the last carriage, under those void decks where i once was with her, somehow. pls lah, all the tests are on now. besides, they're just dreams. i don't know why i even let you realize. i much have been mad. bah. i'm not really in turmoil and self conflict over it. i don't know. maybe it's cause it's just another scenario too perfect, and i don't know if i could be that way, and i don't know if you are that way. because it would probably change the way all you see me, cause it would be right before you.
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10:39 pm
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