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Saturday, February 25, 2006
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i don't know what to think anymore. it's happened before, but please don't let it happen again. don't just let it come full circle again. i don't really understand what's happening to you.. all i can do is pray.
every night, listening to my music on the radio, just get that feeling.. dreaming of the things we could do together. but we can't, because this is the real world. ... i want to make things different for us, if only once in a while for a while, but even if i try, things still may not be that way, because we're just not like that. it's just not that way between us. i don't know what i should do.. do i really just want to desire it? i don't think i'm afraid that it's all just a pretty picture, and that in real life it'll be a disappointment.. but i am afraid that we won't be like that. because we don't have this kind of relationship. music only i can listen in my head, in my space. feelings that nobody can understand, because i fail. i lose; i lost before anything happened.
it's like a design i can make out in my head, but i just can't draw out, can't build, because it's in pieces, it's cloudy dream places, places too perfect. when i try to make them into real places that i can put onto paper, they become all too real, too fabricated.. it's tainted. by me.
it's like how i just pull back. maybe sometimes it's out, but i see and i hear, and i feel and i withdraw. feelings can't be too accurate, or the world would just be too cruel.. but as all of you are laughing and rowderizing and boisterizing over there in your happy place, i just can't enter in. i have to go away, stay another place. it just feels wrong. but then it can't be right to feel sorry for yourself. so i try not to. it's easier to blame without apology anyway.
you and you and you aside, the bunch of you can't be at fault. you're all so happy, and i know i should be happy because of that. and i am; but i'm just not happy in some other way. maybe a bit cause i can't be a part of it, for no real reason, just feelings.. but all of you can't be at fault, so it's me then.
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11:20 pm
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