| archives connections journal |
 recently
|
please leave a message, after the post. |
archives
|
the continuous chain
danne |
Thursday, June 09, 2005
•
i don't know where to start. maybe i'm wrong. i think i've been lazing around. but there's really been a lot to think about.. things to sort out. relationships are so screwed, i've left them; all of them, just stuck there, at the beginning. it's so stupid.. i feel horrible.then when they start to work out, i screw it up.. i don't know what i do. maybe, it's cause i don't do anything. huh. how in the name of applesauce am i supposed to know, if you don't say? but that brings to the issue at hand.. there are so many things, that i try to handle all of them at once, fail, then take each of them and try to solve them one by one, keep failing to solve each one, but i tried again, hey? but there is always stuff that i forget.. and so life goes on, i hop here and there from situation to situtation.. then suddenly i remember someone i've neglected.. and i find out what i missed.. as best i can, but that's not saying a lot, is it? no, i haven't been doing my best. cause i'm afraid. but i shan't undertake to discuss my failures and cowardice in that aspect again. it's true, it's so infinitely true.. i can't open my mouth and speak, and ask. heck, i can't even confront you, if i have to say it in such a serious manner.. i can't even confront you, and talk to you. i can't even say your name, huuh. that's how pathetic it is. i know that i should just give up all this hiding behind shadows right now, if i really have learnt anything at all, but it's just this thing.. like the same reason that people will still commit crimes despite the fact that they know the consequences, and besides it all, that it's just wrong. i know there's really nothing much for me to lose... or i think so. and i know that i only think so. that's just the trouble, maybe. no, it's only one of the troubles. i know that there's a chance, the smallest chance, that perhaps you think more of me. maybe you've been thinking about me in some similiar way, but how am i to know.. without putting everything on the end, and asking? just by asking, by talking.. everything that is now would change. this is the situation. i don't hardly know you. what i do know, it's all guesses. really. i read your blog, hahh. what crap i am. i try to understand, pathetic me. but i don't want to understand in this way.. but i have no other means that i have had the courage to undertake. i don't know what's happening, in short. because i can't see things though my eyes, that can't be too reliable, simply cause you're not me. btu i don't dare to ask you. cause this is the situation. i hardly know you, and chances are you not only hardly know me, but hardly care at all. this is the situation: we don't hardly know each other. i can watch from afar, and do what i want. restricted to that. until i rake up the courage to do something that actually involves both of us, it means nothing. nothing to you, or anyone else, simple because i have nobody. i don't know what the situation is. i don't know how i feel, how i'm supposed to feel, let alone how you feel, simply cause i haven't asked, and you haven't told without me asking, huhh, why should you. i'm an idiot. it's nothing like a crush. don't look at me like that, all of you, i just *ugh* tear out my hair. i'm losing hair this way. i read, and think, and think, and think too much perhaps.. and i run my hand through my hair so many times.. and it's *ugh*.. what in the name of lemon pie shall i do... and my tabletop, my bed is covered in hair. hha.. sounds gross, maybe. by whipped potatoes, nobody even knows who i'm talking about, not even myself. of course nobody knows, not even you, unless you are reading this.. then perhaps you might guess, from that extract i took out from your very mouth.. or fingers. simple because i never said your name. it's absurd.. i can't. i don't know why, really. i thought i did, when i started writing this stuff, right from the top of this page. but i don't. blargh... yes, the truth does hurt. if it hurts. but how can we know? unless we find out? but i won't find out.. because it might hurt.. so i can't bear to.. it's such a stupid thing.. it's like Scarborough Fair all over again... *ugh*... it's like... the incident in Seoul.. except maybe not so.. sentimental. but maybe it is. it's like those last days in BPPS. huh, but that was just a crush, and it crushed. it's over, but other feelings remain - what am i doing, that's beside the point. it's all so familiar, it's like deja vu... all over again.. everything is going to be taken to a pinnacle, then i'll be tossed down, and i'll hurt someone, or disappoint, or something bad.. and i'll be crushed for a period again.. and then i'll be in remembrance.. it's all so familiar.. i don't want it to happen again. i tried to make myself send that email before. to someone else. saying something different. hahh. but in essence it's the same: to someone whom i don't know, yet.. met. somehow, met and didn't know. i don't kow how i do it, it quite amazes sometimes. to have met, so many times, for such periods of time, yet not knowing each other.. blehh. but i knew frmo then start that i am going to send that email. to you. frmo the beginning of this whole matter. now, when was that? all the way back in P4, in 4J? perhaps.. or maybe it was just months ago.. when i started taking notice of you again.. because there was soemthing perculiar going on, or so it seemed to me.. now it's not that perculiar as before, but still.. i don't understand it. that's just it. that's it. i don't understand it. but i want to. i do. blehh. because i care. i don't have to write anything.. it just can't be written. it's not something that can simple be written out like that. i can't believe it... it's just.. unbelievable.. but then something you wrote, and i wonder again.. if this whole thing is such a good idea. mailing you. maybe i won't. maybe i shouldn't. maybe you'll think it's fake.. maybe you won't care at all. maybe you've see too many other frauds.. i can't do anything about that. can i? i gotta try.. i guess i gotta. there's not much i have to sacrifice.. yet this little bit of a relationship, this pathetic relationship i can strike a claim to, that i know you and you know me, and you can say something about me, and i guess, i can say something about you, though it's not much, it's not something bad.. i don't see any reason for you to see me that way. not excessively. but only because you don't see me a lot, i don't butt into your life so much, to put it in such a negative way. that's why we have this relationship we have now, and as pathetic and inexcusable it is, i cherish it.. it pains me to have to put it on end, though there's the smallest chance that things might become better.. but i don't know what society is going to.. people have seent o many things,, things that hurt.. and don't want to try any more. i can't say anything: i'm one and the same. there are things that i'm adverse to, now, for all these painful experiences i've gone through. maybe, just maybe, this is one of them. after all, this will be the one true time i'll do such a thing.. if ever i do it. i've tried it before.. but i've always lost courage. what if you think i'm being sarcastic, or overly emotional, or fake, or something? i don't dare. cause i'll screw up our acquaintanceship. or might. it's true. that's what i'm afraid of. blehh. what can i say. i have to try sometime... not on you? of everyone.. i don't want to lose what little we have between us. there are people, who i thought i could love insomuch, but there are always beliefs, such firm beliefs, that i can't accept.. i can't undertake to change. it's not my position, i have no right. that's what they would say, and that's probably the truth. what am i saying.. it is the truth. i can't but into their lives like that. there's no excuse. just jerklike behavious. but.. i wish we could be pulled closer.. somehow.. sighhx. is it hopeless afterall. is it?? i don't know. i don't know if i can even bring myself to try. haiz. i guess.. just have to see. but i can't wait much longer. after what i saw, and i heard, what i read from what you wrote, i can't wait too much logner.. i'm going to have to make a decision.. blehhz... fine. oh, and i get this feeling that my sentence construction is getting haywire, with all this cheem, long sentences i find myself using when i try to express my feelings..? is it? all this writing is only making my english, my thinking-language, worse? hmm.. shall have to switch to another language then. oh well. lol... just joking.. i think it's alright. i'll live. but thinking does develop language.. to think in another language. hm i shall have to do that. start with chinese, perhaps... then once i can even grasp the japanese "alphabet", if i may call it that, all the a i u e o, then i shall try.. haiz. stupidpeoplewhoarealreadyproatjapanese. i shall be a master of languages... i shall!!!! i declare.. i can't play music, i can't be a scholar, i can't be an artist, i can't be a sportsman.. then i shall speak. if i can at least speak a person's language.. only then is there the possibility of reaching into a person's heart, isn't that right? but language is such a deep thing.. it almost goes right to the soul. maybe it does. shall have to immerse myself in it.. once i'm ready, though.. perhaps that's right. i have to start where i am, then go where i want to go.. perhaps i should go to china. there are people i know there.. nice people.. kind people with whom i have made... accquaintance.. haiz. but the environment, and the people.. it is what i dream of. so i shall achieve it. nothing will stop me yet. what, every step of the way, if i believe, and i desire, ignoring all logic and only listening to my heart, i have got there. well.. perhaps logic has taken a side role in all these situations.. that's why i can lay claim to what i have now.. but perhaps i wanted wrongly. i don't really want all these things. but then other people would claim that that's my inappreciation speaking.. bleahh.. all you you, your opinions, they tear me not into twain, but so many, so many pieces.. oh well. i have to stop now, of nonsense will come forth... i guess that all there is left to do is, think, and act.. haiz. does anyone even read through all this stuff? lol.. why do i care? i don't know.. but i do. hahh. tag there - friedtunes: Scorpions - More than words - 7:14 pm |