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Saturday, June 04, 2005
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blargh.. things are so screwed.
i've dug up all the old jap books and stuff i had. links and stuff. some real nice stuff. but i don't know whether i can do it. i only know that i have to.
feeling more useless thatn ever.. if that's possible.. everything i've tried to achieve has only fallen over on top of me, buried me under a mountain of crap.. completely hopeless.. how can there be people i know who are so nearly exactly what i want to be? that if just two people combined their skills, tt wld be exactly what i want to be?
i've got no perseverence.. no guts to do stuff tt ppl will redicule. well, if i knew it was something right, i wld do it definitely. i don't have to back tt, you people know me. but i'm not talking about sense of justice, i'm talking about thick-skin-ness, guts to just go and do it.. cause the consuquence is i change the way how people think about me. heck, i probably would be even more upset than i am if i actually knew how people really thought about me, but change is, for some reason, even worse. i don't know. nothing makes sense anymore.
reading my old material, stuff from friends, or rather aqquaintances whom i somehow managed to 'borrow' stuff from, stuff online frm people i barely have met and spoken to and with.. everywhere it's just meet and that's it. nothing more. why..
comepletely losing hope liaoz. even if i manage all this, where is it going to put me. i was forced to ask that question, in the end. and the answer was what i always knew, in my subconciousness; most probably nowhere anyway.
last nite i dreamt again. i don't know what is it, there's something i have to know, or encouragement, or just.. dreams.. my dreamworld.. it was someone's birthday. yea, i know it's danne's bdae, but tt doesn't fit in.. everyoen was there.. almost.. arnold.. the 6k gang.. geof? for some reason.. even liying was there. i don't know what's the connection, lol, why liying after so long haven't seen her. but certain people weren't there.. and i was going to get something. buy something. haha. last minute, it seemed. but it was fine and okae, everyone was there, cheering me on. just there, for me, ya know? like can never happen.. but there were some people not there. and it didn't feel like they were missing. i don't know. it's like they were not there for a purpose, and i knew it, and it was fine. how could it have been? there were people i loved who weren't there..
anyway, i woke up, of course. it's always the best scenarios. it was this, rediculous dream void deck. lol, against a slope, like one i got my scar from when i was P1, and those typical stone round tables with stools around them, and stuff.. just atmosphere. just like those days. that i forgot. in my dreams, they came back.
but.. blinding heartache. everything is fake. i can imagine all i want. it could have been anything i can dream of, someone's birthday, or something bigger in our lives. so many people, two special people, so many two special people..
blinding heartache.
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11:49 pm
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