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danne |
Friday, June 03, 2005
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i'm not so sure i want what i already have anymore... people stun me.. how can you do such things? then before me, you go, "huh? no big deal what.."i never was anyone. i don't know if i wanted to be; want to be now, or every will be. but what i think i know is that i never was anyone, and i aren't now. i appear in so many people's lives, just barely more than a passer-by, then i'm gone and the memory is faint. don't you people feel that way? of course not, because by the time there is reason for you to, you are victim of this ploy... this scheme i did not hatch, but for some reason manipulate.. or am manipulated by.. i can't say it. cause that would only make it even more true. but there are people.. people who i long to hold close and comfort, only to comfort myself, who feel the same. 6K is.. not quite there anymore. i can't quite remember those times anymore. i just trust in the knowledge that there was once a time, when i remembered, so there must have been such good times, there must have been peace at heart. but what good is that. i can't even recall those times anymore. they can no longer bring me comfort. even the days of reminiscing are over. we are no more. not so long ago, we spoke of a great gathering. we would have been strengthened, all of us by the presence of one another. but before anything could happen, we are no more. we were stopped in the midst of our dreaming. don't you remember? if any of you even come by here? you kept a link, a sliver of a memory, but you never checked it, you never looked at it again. it's no longer valid. you spring clean your life, your mind, of all unwanted memories. no; you didn't throw out my memory. i'll give you that. but you did nothing more. that memory is with you, but it is dead. if you don't believe me, check it. it's been dead for so long... so long... ... only you never checked it, and just kept it. the world changes; even i am forced to change. and so the memory you thought you could keep without cherishing is dead. i remember. if i spoke of it, you would remember. the last few times, the few of us who were really the ones. the heart of the group. simple gatherings, at orchard, or at our own plaza, where we spoke of such great things we would do together. not with words, not always. it's the language of the world, that which is always being spoken, which everyone can speak, and everyone will understand, if they listen. laughter for no reason, purposeless walks. no: there was definitely a reason. our souls, for those moments, were held closer together. we can't be split up now. i can't accept it. i have had many dreams in my life thus far. i've had dreams in the day and dreams given at night, recurring dreams, and dreams that were so special to me; dreams that brought fear, dreams that encourage me, and dreams that i try to remember from when i dreamt them, just to get that warm feeling, that can only be gotten from.. what is it? that emotion of pure joy and comfort.. but it always leaves me. i forget. beautiful dreams, but the memory leaves me, no matter how hard i hang on, and i have nothing left to draw that emotional comfort from. when i was a child, i dreamt my parents' dream. i admit; they brought me up with the intention of being a normal person; a relatively great one, no doubt, but a normal man. i dreamt of becoming a lawyer, for what reason, i know not. no; it was for money. because they taught me, if only i had enough education, if i did well in school, i would have all the money i would ever need. they never said what the deal was with money, but it was all they ever spoke of. i was a child; so i strove for it. but that was so long ago, and quite soon i lost that dream, because only the best of earthly parents know what is the best for their children, and mine do not. i dreamt of getting just enough money, enough to live like a normal middle-low class man. then i would do as i liked, i would travel and go where i pleased. but soon i forsook that dream too, for the world told me that we must work. if there were such an easy escape, many would have taken it. but they work, and i knew i must work. so i dreamt. i would be an architect; or a teacher. i would create. i longed to express myself, everything that i felt, and i had to make everything exactly how i could dream it to be. so i had to be the one. i had to create. it was the natural route. or so it felt. then i remembered, and i knew i didnt' really want that. i could fashion my world, but just outside whatever thin shell i could make, everything would rage on, and i would know it. there had to be somewhere which was already fine. i had to find it. i would work, because man must work. but i would work just enough in one place to get me to another, then i would work again, to go to another, until i found my place. but now, i don't know if that plan was feasible. such an existence.. who would have anything to do with me? a man who seemed to wander around aimlessly? i cannot.. i need people. if i sought, i sought for people who were good. a community which was good to my eye, and to my health. but as i type, i realise that such places must be made, because there aren't enough of them. there will never be enough, because our world is governed by such a system that does not allow for enough. but i can't create such societies.. i can't even make myself as one with others.. others must embrace me, so tightly, or i would float away. so hopeless am i, so apparently empty, that after a short while with no response to satisfy, even the warmest wonder. who am i to do such a thing? no. i cannot stay here. not in Singapore. i can't stay here yet. i have to get out of here. maybe i'll decide that i have to return as soon as i set foot out, but i have to get out. there has been too much pain here. too many things i regret. maybe it's hopeless. maybe i will go everywhere and i'll make every country i set foot in as i have made Singapore. a place which only holds painful memories for me. right now, i don't know what i'll do. but for starters, i guess, if i am to go away, i must learn to speak. maybe i cannot communicate truly with others, because i do not know them, as they do not know me; but i can learn their language. so i'll learn languages. it's true. nothing is simple to me anymore. because nothing that this world has told me i could have is simple. so nothing i have in this world is simple, and nothing i do in this world is simple, and nothing i see, or experience, or feel in this world is simple. only my salvation through Jesus was simple. so there i'll go when whatever i must do is done. nothing here is simple anymore. but i don't belong here. 10:19 pm |