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danne |
Friday, June 03, 2005
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it's been a while. accursed body, i've got this chronic weakness to bronchitis or something. i never fall sick with anything but it. and it taunts me with the same afflictions each time. afflictions that i am helpless to overcome. only God heal me in time. time that is not mine.it's been a while, and i've been hesitating. whether or not to say anything. and i've decided not to. it will help nothing for others to know so much. not at such.. random choosing. for once, i've dreamt of someone specific. telling of specific things. but i know not this person in this life. why does God give us such dreams. not those where we imagine of what our future, our presence on this earth may be, but those given in sleep. some say they are our innermost desires, our darkest secrets, some even claim divine messages. i don't know what to believe, so i'll just believe what i know i can believe. these dreams may be true, or they may be false. if they be true; so glad am i. God would have blessed me in a way which i have dreamed of. both in sleep and in consciousness, after i knew what i dreamt in sleep. if not.. then it was just a dream. or God has blessed me in a way i know not. maybe i will in time; maybe i won't. maybe it matters not. i don't know what i hope for, by saying all this here. not for too many people, or certain people to see. but there is.. uncertainty. a tearing of spirit. what to hope for. this way or the other, or yet another. fine. there was a specific person. you know that now. one person, whom i met first. conversation was casual, then we parted. for no particular reason, it seemed. then somehow, my family, as of now and blood, comes in. money and goods change hands, as can be imagined, what of the nature of my unfortunate bloodlines. somehow, that person is involved. yet not as the main protagonist, to them, but to the side, with me. i overhear a telephone number being passed, and my family leaves. afterward.. we speak. i'm to get that number.. some things cannot be said at all. then i leave. and i wake. before i can get the number again. i'm torn to delete all that. it simply isn't how it happened. but it's as much i can bear to tell just anyone, in as crude and rough a fashion as i can. but it was not. the nature was only the opposite. enough. one thing i know is that i don't want to stay here. perhaps what i seek is here, in Singapore. but i cannot find it. i have to get out of here. then perhaps, when i have to return, some time... but perhaps it is not here at all. i have motives and things to accomplish. but i've failed to get anything done.. what am i to do with myself. i fear my body will fail before i can accomplish what i want. yes, i don't know if it's what God wants. i only know that it's not something that God has told me that He does not want for me, yet. so i'll go for it. He said He will never forsake me. i'll live as long as i have to, i guess. i think i've been saying too much. since long ago, when i started speaking of what i thought were omens. i didn't. no- i don't even know if i did or i didn't. i don't know what i thought they were. all of you.. you think you can read into my world. you make claims, professors try to analyze student behavior. i don't want to know if you think that it's a phase that i'm passing through, or if you think i'm infatuated with someone, or that you have no idea what i'm speaking of. i don't want to know. because i know that only what God sees, what God wants counts, but i can't keep myself to striving for only that. because i am human. everything that anyone does, thinks, looks like they are thinking, anything that i think others are thinking, it affects me. my imagination tortures me, i don't know if i want to find out if my mind fools me, or not. my actions are cause by such a chain of events that i can no longer recall that which started it all. i would like to say i've dreamt as a child. but i haven't. i blame it on my environment; why not? it is easy to blame others. especially when it may seem true that, as a child, when i was of such tender age, i was really hopeless to control which direction i went. was i? there are too many distractions; my body is the greatest. physical appearance before others will harass me, bodily health threatens me, as it does now. how can i reach my goal, when i know not what my final goal on this earth is? all i can do is go where i feel i must now, reach for what i want now, and hope that it will aid me in reaching my final destination, if i will ever know where that is. but even now, i fail in reaching out for my short-term goal. so pathetic, how can i reach for greater things? i have not even the concentration of a fly, which may bother the horse for so long, despite everything the horse may do to brush it off.. i have nothing left in me to say now. except things that i still cannot say. because there is no one who i can bring myself to say to. i'll just keep trying myself, because there is yet hope, with Jesus by my side. 1:23 pm |