finding the strength

April showers bring May flowers.
what do these raindrops mean, then?
fifth month clouds do more than glower;
troubles that come, then come again.

they are playing with me. my feelings. my instincts. my interpretations. suddenly they come, and tell me something, then they're gone. they tease me; they call upon their other friends. the sky is darkened now, for all of us.. i wouldn't wish my fate upon anyone. maybe it's cause you don't deserve it, or it's because you deserve so much more. i'll just say it's probably the latter. but no matter. the sky is darkened now, not for me only, but for us all. take shelter my friends. it is available to you. me, i have business out in the rain. with the rain. with the sky. i have things that i must settle with them.

"Dear God, I pray that e weather would b cold and windy w/o the sound of
thunder n lightning... "

i wish that too. who wouldn't. it's only reality. or is it. sunny days are so far away, rain is.. welcomed. even when the sun does shine, it all seems so... fake. shallow. and so i find it is; the very next day, it's all gone, faded to nothing. so i've come to embrace the rain. perhaps there is really a good day ahead; but i don't dare to hope. not anymore. not till the final day is here, when that promise is ready to be fufiled..

but while i'm, we are on this earth.. everything that happens, it all just seems so.. fitting. maybe not to you; but then the omens don't always speak to you, tho there is always something to be learnt. perhaps it is to another. but there really isn't any way to find out. not that i know of. the rain, and the storms, and the lightning and thunder. it all means something to me. maybe i was wrong. you can know, if it is speaking to you. but then, there are times when i just don't know. just don't know...

"duno. i really feel like dying. the flu, the school, everything. i wish tml i wake
up, have high fever or sth. i really wana die le. really, i wana play. i wanna
play. i feel like exploding. i duno. miserable feeling."

i'm sure all of us feel that way. hm. or not. people areound can be so fake, so toy-like at times.. you wonder if they're just some NPCs in this game world of ours, in which everything is turning out so screwed.. but life goes on for them, and we can only fall to our knees under the strain and stare, and wonder. and fantasize.

but i'm digressing.

there are so many people around me, who i really care about. i don't know if that's how it is for other people, or if anyone feels that way about me, but that's not the point now. sometimes... no, most times. i can only watch from afar. there are things i just don't understand, maybe, but mostly i just don't know how i can get closer to you now. at this stage. before it's too late, and there's no way, no how i can ever see you again, no matter what i sacrifice. i know, someday something like that will come. call it a premonition; i just know.

how can you not want to be happy? i want you to be happy.. doesn't that matter? maybe i'm being selfish.. but seeing you upset all the time, it really tears, you know. shreds. haiz.. perhaps it's the same for me. i really should understand. towards other people.. perhaps it's the same feeling. but i don't understand. i still don't understand..

once in a while, as i look on from my little spot afar from your life, i catch a glimpse of something. something different; something special. are you happier? i don't know.. i don't know so many things about you, no matter what i may try to convince myself. but i sit down, and think. i have to face the reality. it's not because of me; i did nothing. and it's not for me; it can't be, cause you don't even know i'm here..

and that's what rends. someone else. selfishness.. is it that bad? in this sense..? is it so wrong.. i don't know. but i know it's not for me. but i'm still here.

"Someone told me that when guys don't say anything, it means they're thinking a
lot. why? if you have things that you're thinking about, why don't you say it
out?"

i don't know. i hate to repeat something so many times, but it's just so.. persistant. so conspicuous. people are so.. unlogical. how did we even coin the term, 'logic'. nothing makes sense; nothing that we do. nothing that matters. yet we can survice in a world that goes around based on logic. or does it.. whatever it is, it's happening. and it confuses me. how can that be? i'm part of this whole conspiracy...

i don't know. i guess.. i guess it's cause we think. too much. i think i do. ..? things just aren't what they seem.. maybe all of you, you think we don't care. we don't notice anything. i don't know.. but i do. too much? perhaps not, or there really wouldn't be any way for you to think that i don't notice. but i do notice things. haha. perhaps, things that you don't notice that i notice. hm.. on that note, i haven't really been paying attention if people notice.. haha...

the thing is, we can only guess. i can only.. guess your reaction, guess how you will feel. there are so many negative possibilities. so silence seems to be such a favourable option. well... i supposed that at the most, after a short experiece it's possible to tell that it really isn't... just taking a chance may be better, but i don't want to lose any more relationships. maybe i'm complacent.. willing to just hang on. but i don't want to lose any more people. in any way. in any way.

i don't want to hurt you.
cause then i'd get hurt too.
these feelings, i know they're true;
but all i can remember is: i musn't hurt you~

but then, sometimes i get the feeling you don't really care either. some people. do you even have the ability to. are you just an NPC. please don't bluff me anymore.

"I have to tell you something. It's not true. That. What they say. It's
not true."

everything feels so.. incomplete. i'm starting to believe that it's not possible to complete anything; after all, eternity will go on for... eternity. well.. maybe that's just a very human point of view. but hey. i'm only human.

"Connecting... Please do not unplug synchronization wire..."

It's really all so fragile. it is, it is... all just held together by a single thread. what will happen next? who knows.. i just pray that everything works out, between us.. it just has to. or i don't know how i'm going to continue living.. i don't think it'll be possible to be happy again.

i don't want to live in the storms all the time. i don't want to come to tolerate the tempest.

what can i say. what can i say. that's what we always say, and it's all i can say now.

please come. back. please come.
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