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danne |
Sunday, April 27, 2008
snow in a bottle •
 a dose of reality is, trying to be independent. and living like you are instead of just talking. from now till december - take the SATs, have a good concert, have a good trip, write a good paper for my Independent Study. study super hard. make a good portfolio for interviews and mailing. do well for prelims, do well for As. sort out college admissions, whatever i can now before it's too late.. improve my vocal technique. learn a language, get involved in more large-scale design/enrivonment-related events(like singapore garden festival coming up), try to get involved in a firm. draw more, write more, i can't decide! i used to think that i have already, but i haven't really. what i should do with my future, what i should do with now; whether i want to be serious or not, what to admit and what to forget, what to do when people call my bluff. what to do with the past. i want to ask if the four of us are interested in going to learn golf together, i want for chorale to go up to malaysia after the As to celebrate the end of something that's been beautiful at times but was never meant to be any more no matter how much anyone wished it. i want to give up wanting to talk to people, to these individuals, as if they are individuals; who am i to want? i want to talk with fiona again. i want to empty my life then fill it up again starting with Him, i want to end what needs ending, and settle whatever can't be ended into a continuous, meaningful dialogue with life. i don't know if i want more in my life again, in the old way, but i know that i want more in my life. hard as it sounds, at least then when everything fails and everyone else has other things anyway, i'll have something better to do than going out to the old place or some other in the botanics, gawking at awesome architecture and words in books, and writing rubbish poetry/prose and making rubbish designs. and i don't mean going out with an oversized group of people of whom i don't know the half to talk about nothing and go nowhere. life is empty when everyone's gone and you've become too emotionally drained to feel anything about the past anymore. Even though I'll never need her, 7:40 pm |