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danne |
Friday, April 11, 2008
the spaces in between •
 because i love the sight of it, and it's been pushed to the bottom - doesn't it just look pristinely luscious? i think i should hiatus.  i am lost, and i do not like the feeling. In the past, it was once big chaotic disarray and often i didn't know what the heck i was doing and why, and then there would be some parts that would keep me sane, that fed dreams that grew and changed; going to the army, studying and learning things like greek and latin, french and japanese, modeling part time after taking the effort to make myself proper. graduating, becoming a pilot, a chef, opening a restaurant cafe for real, curating art exhibitions and speaking with great people in all sorts of fields. i imagined walking from the louvre in grey and white suits, what is life but a fleeting vision of loveliness. becoming an architect. working on the forex, flying ever so often for international projects for a foreign firm(i'd junior overseas then charm them into setting up a place in singapore, hah!) entrenching myself in tanglin for what little sweet reminiscence and sentimental beauty; at least the physical environment carried a facade of peace, i can live in the backyard if the world is my home and the former is at least pretty, the world itself is not even sometimes. etcetera retarded dreams. so many more.. must less idealistic(in the financial sense, but otherwise no), just as retarded. life was so. as idealistic and romanticized as it could be, grit your teeth and block out the uglier parts of life even if they take up so many of the hours when the sun shines. nothing made sense, but there was the sense that i'm doing something, that will get me somewhere, somehow, eventually. somewhere that wouldn't be too bad. now, not so. i lost a little peace, and my great peace feels empty without a family - with a family so separated, so sparse. i stopped everything, i stopped doing retarded things, things that wasted time. things that ate away at my soul, i thought it would help me feel less broadly and with depth. well, obviously i didn't know what the hell i was getting myself into. maybe putting up facades is essential to meaningful living, and i missed the memo. trying to condense myself into one coherent personality which i can appreciate is a long and tiring process, but as i find myself getting somewhere with it i wonder if it's a good idea. siiiiigh. i need to slow down and go out and think. like really think about this whole deal for a few days. a week or more. a) i feel like i am still not communicating with the people in my world. it could never be more than one or two or three. i don't really mind that it only works between individuals, just grateful that it could at all. i find it hard to describe the kind of language that i use today, with whatever few people i see in my daily life. it's like.. false closeness. so false, such a lie. a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with white bread that's far too thin and all you taste is the jam and butter, cloyingly sweet and plastic. life that is neither well balanced with both a few close and a good many peripheral, nor life on the brink with one big electron cloud and just one. just.. in between, the (not few not many) who exist are stuck in limbo between close and peripheral which is basically endlessly painful, like the rice paper of hope being torn a-part slowly, slowly, the large sheet as tall as a girl torn straight down the middle in the span of ten hours. b) i'm less sure of where i'm going/how i am at all, and it's different from not knowing before. when i had the mind to think about such things in the past(and now upon remembering the past seems so much shorter than it seemed then. sigh.) there was just irrational feeling of it'll-be-fine-ness. well, irrational is as irrational does, and now it's not here. i can take guesses as to why, but they'd be to no end. not being socially schizo means not being able to artistically experience different paradigms and savour them in full intensity while they lasted. also, not only does life not taste bland(which in itself is an intense archetype), it's just a warbly coagulation of soury emotions. there's something there, but you're think you're pretty sure it's not art, or think you'd like to say that it isn't. the long and short of it is that it feels like i'm not living meaningfully. i feel anger that i don't have really really really close friends like i romaticize(what is it with girls this age and thinking that every guy who walks up to speak to them is looking to get attached? or that's how it seems), angry at irrational little things like caring and birthdays and anniversaries and words, sigh they're all just meaningless mememtos, symbols, right? not really.. c) i'm tempted to regress, and i'm hungering for some development. the time spent and sentimental value mean something. yet paradigm shifts are always painful experiences and you wonder if it would have been worth living in ignorance. nahhhh.. but gah. help! connect us. i am tempted to regress. gosh darn it. i will not. but it's so painful, the idea that what i'd chosen in place of so much else(or what was actually worth nothing at all) is just a sophisticated, educated pretense. and it makes me SO ANGRY and grit teeth walk away look up breath, the little things that make it seem like, damn it's not worth it it's not worth it. i am grateful. there are beautiful things, but this is the root of the sine curve that's going down, down; where i feel i need to sort things out, before i crash into the troughs of impassioned mid-Atlantic tempest waves. things like understanding terms of (unwritten unspoken)contracts, really coming to terms with how people are. trying to figure out how to be a better person. i don't spend much time balanced it seems, but i am trying to reduce the amplitude and frequency of these offensive swings, during the time i'm stable enough to, haha. maybe one way to put it is, i'm not so worried about who i'm turning out to be yet(because i haven't allowed myself to let go and run wild, hope i don't) but i am worried about how i'm turning out. i didn't like being empty and everywhere, i don't like being stuck in stasis, lagging in limbo. can i move on now please? i guess.. i'll just wait here till you decide. knock knock. open up..? 9:04 pm |