| archives connections journal |
 recently
|
please leave a message, after the post. |
archives
|
the continuous chain
danne |
Monday, April 21, 2008
really shouldn't do it! •
i wanted to get a new place and start anonymous, but circumstances have made it such that i can only say, i've abused you so and go on writing here. writing has too often been catharsis, careless release and self-expression+discovery of pent up emotion. i don't think it's a responsible thing way to do it, but i've been falling into desperation lately. will have to temper it with sense as best as i can, i guess. also, i'm sorry no-one ever says anything. oh well. perhaps there's nothing to be said. i'll write in short sentences, what happens next. and maybe what i think and feel. (i begin to adore contemporary artists' ways of getting points across. why can't living be an art?) say it with me - the art of living.  a) i'm so tired. b) how did i get here? c) you hit me right there. d) i'm trying to focus, but e) we need to talk. today was as mondays tend to go; long, tumultuous morning. falling back into the company of classmates and lecture-tutorial route, with a sigh of release? that i'm allowed not to think about certain things for a while. living it carelessly. i'm too tired to care about consequences, but i know i can handle them if it comes to that. i'm still a guy in withdrawal, even with iron discipline(haha!) and, His supporting hand. mr lee seemed different today, or maybe i'm being less intolerable. people vanish without even appearing. i was going to just leave then julian appeared. listened and talked with lee-na and tzung about God and parents and faith for a short while, in the dark. then trashed my voice for the afternoon and evening. took the buses back at the worst possible time. wasted time and energy thinking and feeling. decided not to get a haircut, after that long walk down yesterday evening and getting turned away by her, she must have been just as weary. steam-blasted the thoughts down the shower and got into clean clothes to start. the moment the sun sets is the perfect time to begin a new work with a cleansed mind. ran a number of errands at a leisurely pace since i just bathed. got to the part where i fill in birthdays of significant or chance people, from online into the new gray book. got to reading and thinking again. then i got to here. i shall never go into graphic design. i've lost all faith in my capabilities in 2 dimensions and color. the classic feel of crisp 3d form and body comes easier nowadays. have i mentioned i've several projects i wish to attempt? silkscreen, model, holdall(will cost much to get the parts and cloth!) but there's so little time.. how does anyone have the time to make a portfolio. i wanted to get a polaroid and start a scrapbook. but they've taken them off the factory lines since february this year. can you tell, we're losing our sense of nostalgia. i don't really know what i'm going to do yet. i'm really just going it anyhow now. i lost 4kg since i stopped training. no wonder it came down to me not being able to breath when i ran. sigh. basically feel quite fail now, but i know i'll know what to do, and find the strength to do it through Him somehow. just is lousy to feel alone.  really, this is a haiku ! damn. this haiku sucks. 10:28 pm |