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Monday, March 31, 2008

the sweeter it grows •

i just, read it at totally the wrong time, i guess. it put a lump in my throat and that tearing sensation within me. how are we lonely when we're surrounded by people?

they used to joke that it was my perfect birthday present, and we took some small quiet pride in how it was the most unique and special of coincidences: for do not so many things seem to happen by chance, or nature's course trimmed by the Lord? we shared nothing but ourselves and the world. no institution brought us together, so none could take us apart. and so none did.

i can't quite say i've nothing against institutions, somehow. though i've seen the world through them, the world made up of individuals, and it's taught me a lot.. what strikes me is just, how we cling precariously by our fingertips to things that we know would come to an end, so fleetingly! should we turn our backs for but a moment to touch someone else. the things never last; i take Very Strong Offence at their penchant to melt in your hand, indeed.

they hold so much of our lives together, and i wonder if i'm wasting my time. the thing that always amazed me in the past was time, and time. the more time spent.. really, the richer the relationship. it's as simple as that. against all the odds of institution, we would invest the time, just like that. maybe it was a miracle, maybe it was just reaching the stage, and from then on it was easy. but whatever it was, i'll always believe in the power of time.

and time, we have so little of. or so it would seem. i question my decision to do architecture so often because of this; where would it leave me? do i really give up hope on finding people who can understand the need to spend the time as well.

there's got to be another reason, really. sometimes we don't know how far we ought to go, perhaps. and often we don't express by our behavior and speech clearly enough, how far others ought to go, and we all tiptoe around one another's shattered hopefulnesses. or perhaps we were just caught up in ourselves or something else and failed to notice, in time.

but what the time comes, it's too late, and that will forever be my greatest fear, through all the mortal hopes and dreams. that the day is come when it's too late, and i'm even more hopeless to just be there, and help, than i was before.
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10:15 pm