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danne |
Thursday, February 21, 2008
working and waiting •
i wanted to write yesterday, but i fell asleep before i did anything useful after the evening ended, zz. recovering from whatever transpired and have almost closed the gap on tutorials, haha. i'm going to be optimistic and say, close the gap by this weekend, then i can go do stuff.it's been lousy, pretty much, but in the end you grow to live with things. each of these things.. like a pin in the shoulder, you get used to them, regardless. like living with tubes up the side of your chest for so long, it's not that it doesn't hurt; it's just that it takes too much energy, too much emotional energy to feel, let alone think, anything about them at all(because you cannot feel only a little if your heart will make you feel a lot), you've just got to be superhuman with a magnesium-iridium blood pump keeping you going to keep it up. in the end the mind does what it does so that you live rather than die; you get accustomed to it. that's what i meant when i said, i'd gotten used to loving. it could well be a bad thing, in certain circumstances. i can name one, right here and now; not treasuring enough, and probably couldn't have without having made people think i was crazy or obsessive. after all, we all would act differently if we had foreknowledge of what was going to happen. but all in all, realistically speaking, a guy can live that that for only a while at a go. when i say gotten accustomed, i don't mean, it matters to me but i have to move on. i mean, i'm working and i'm waiting. i'm patient as long as i have to be.  i'm making a resolution for this weekend! and for the year, if i can and dare, haha. i suddenly realize that i should and do feel horribly stagnant and boring. not that there's anything interesting that i think i could/should be doing, but i'll find it if i can, heh. i'm going to start going out for those city walks again(but now with a bag of papers and books) and settle down at some old haunts again. it's alright already, haha, in that sense at least. it's time i got busy again. some things aren't meant to be talked about in the public domain, and i hope i have enough discretion to lay the appropriate amount of pressure down. but a lot of times there's a lot of fear and doubt that go by other names, when i want to make late night calls or ask someone out for lunch. ohhhhh well. hahhaha. maybe i can blame all that all my year of NATO. then again, it's hard to understand unless you were close by to see it. siigh. hehh. we'll live yet. 9:22 pm |