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danne |
Sunday, February 03, 2008
that certain night •
feeling really lethargic now. have not had an appetite all day. grr. camp is over. so many thing happened that i'm not saying, it'd been the usual roller-coaster ride of mixed feelings, but in the end sitting at the bottom of the stairs, waiting for our rides, with whoever was there too - deb, kialiang, suet, julian, quanquan - made it alright. this will be a happy post, haha. i declare it so. i learned about people, things that i didn't know before. it was the little things. isaac, suet, julian, bennett. i blame the distance, and how i am. but i'm really thankful for how we are, can i say we? it's quiet scary to declare how beautiful a people is after a while. but i have to say i feel a lot, even though i shouldn't really dare to. chorale really is the only thing in my life now. which comes pretty hard, because i doubt affiliations; they're so much more tenuous than personal relationships, which in themselves are already so fragile unless well-used. i'm grateful for geoffrey, for all this time, really. i thank God, and circumstances, and commitment. other than that, all my personal relationships now feel so useless all of a sudden. all of them others now. so tender and wisp-like, like if someone drew a breath out of turn it all wouldn't really matter. which totally sucks. i blame who i am, dammit. (food for thought, wenyi, hahhaha). i'm running too many processes at once at any one time, and they're all core programs that support the system. the whole system engine's coding is very poorly written, from trial and error, resulting in this convoluted mess that just begins to overheat handling the most mundane affairs(they must be) the cooling system must be really God-given or something. i googled local student psychiatric help just a while ago, hahha. damn. i'm not some wilting stalk. i don't really want a shrink. this really was the first of the lasts. past half a year with just our batch was amazing. we've had last practice with just us, we've had our last camp. i refuse to begin listing the other lasts - but this whole experience carries undertones of the experience i get every time after a particularly good concert, or after that special camp at st.johns'. it's a more recent thing, but events associate themselves with songs. events that matter so much, they're quite surreal to recall - There's plenty of time left tonightahh. yeah, i think that's all that can be said here. 'night. 9:55 pm |