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danne |
Thursday, January 31, 2008
chorale •
all in all this has been not such a bad day, i think.loads of j1s were streaming into the school as i walked out of the ruddy back gate(that you can no longer climb over on saturdays and sundays when it's locked, darn) today. and as i did i felt unusually energetic, like i do when i recall what i'm working for, why i put up with myself, why i'm holding on, and it's all right again. the thing is, i don't quite know what made me feel that way. i had just been surrendering myself to lé whimsy, or trying to do work like a normal student. art is odd, and ever since yihui dropped i've been questioning myself about it in ways that i never had before. because really, in all ways i should have been the one to drop. and well, when i use the wrong words, or say the wrong answer out loud, or sit speechless, the question shakes my heart like loose change on a laundromat dryer. for some reason or another i'd reconsidered studying architecture in japan just today. i do think it'd be an awesome place to study, technically - the way their minds work, as it seems when you read what they say and see how they design, it's quite mindblowing sometimes. but the culture.. the people. they just don't seem like a very friendly receptive country, one couldn't really fit in and and and.. basically i can imagine myself studying there and those things, it would be so amazing, but when you put in the people.. i grow doubts. and frankly, now, i can't believe i never really gave this serious thought before. i'm giving up on certain things that were to mean a lot to me, from then till a while. so often you don't realize how you really appear to others, or you might just make a change; even looking in the mirror doesn't show you what others see when they look at you. then again, maybe it's just me being oblivious. but either way, some people get all the luck, haha. but i'm going to buck up with just a few things that should matter just because i want them too, for now. i'm going to study, basically. in spare time that i don't waste.. i'm to practice guitar and continue singing and have a proper training schedule. and in all the spare time that i do waste i'm to continue drawing. i've not done a project in more than a year. with reason, but still. chinese new year it here, and the extended family is having tuanyuanfan earlier, for some reason or another. at the old man's side, it's such a tense affair, sigh. on mother's side it's really frivolous, but it's silly enough to make it feel like home, if only we actually spent the time together. but no, we don't, we didn't. i'm missing tuanyuanfan with father's, for it's to be on the 2nd. i don't know whether to be glad or to be sorry. fine, so too close can be a bad thing. it's quite easy for me to believe that i do this thing all wrong, actually, because some things transcend personae. frankly - it may be wrong, but regardless, i'd rather it than too distant. moments that cause us to draw back later.. so long it's a distance only because of too much proximity(giving that there is such a thing), i trust that it can be picked up in the future. like i always say, eternity's a long time. we'll find time. i'm going to quit asking myself what some people mean for a while, because i think i don't really want to know. there just hasn't been enough time yet, or proper. you can tell i'm not a very talky guy, under casual circumstances, but i have my ways of making up for that, hahhaha. but the point is, i've just decided that it can't go on, and i need to stop chasing rainbows and just follow the dotted line. and trust God that there's something worthwhile waiting at the other end. 10:38 pm |