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danne |
Saturday, February 09, 2008
如果妳确定，那我也确定。 •
i'm quite blown over, i think. but then again i don't really care. people changing.. isn't important. in the end if people don't care anyway, i'd be better off giving up caring as well. the feeling, as usual, is quite inexpressible, but ok. deep breaths. yeah, i think i can not really care.today was, nice in the way it is when you pull down the dusty gray curtains and the sunlight comes streaming through the stale, stale air, illuminating the tiny floating particles, coughing and squinting. something inside went quite hard and numb, and i could spare a few laughs, haha.. i'm quite sorry. i have most awesome friends x) always a few things to think about. the whole thing about social life and the people you don't really know is, a guy wants to make himself look good for his friends and to these people, when he goes out with said friends, so that in the end nobody looks down on us; so the whole atmosphere of the travelling party isn't affected negatively and everyone generally has a good time and we go home feeling, gosh, what a beautifully quaint people we are. this morning i woke up late, and i forgot to switch on the water heater before going to do the sets, so when i got back i just had a cold shower with little lather and a hurried towel off; thus the post-WWII-student hair. ugh to that >< the irony lies in the slow didn't-really-eat-anything breakfast when i talked with my mom over hot chocolate. i'm liking where family life is going, and i would have been quite happy over these times, if not for missing things in the other parts of proposed idealized lifestyle and certain occurences and reminders. i swear everything that could, reminds me now; as in, right now. i'd say it's irritating, but rather, it numbs. for the record: today we went visiting! it was fun, and it really makes me miss childhood. and by that i mean the times when we visited gramma and grampa every sunday for lunch, would look forward so much to going all the way across the island whenever we could to see granny and frolic in general old-time family living. geoffrey, jorel, royce, wenyi. so things bothered me, but some things are usually bothering me anyway, haha. i think i had a good time (: Music: The War - Melee It's so soft to the see the glow from the city up aheadi took a good half hour walk the long way round to get home, after dropping off the bus by the railway tracks to malaysia. and well, i think i've sorted most things out. a pained part of me will always, always be waiting and praying for the opportunity to make things go back to how they were, but my conscious, constant self can't believe in that all the time. it's too rending to the sight and faith. i need to keep believing in people, so this all never happened. don't even talk to me about denial, friend. this never happened. oh, and all this except the last few lines apply to more than just one thing. they are very recent, not so recent, feels-recent-to-me-but-i-guess-it-isn't-really. haha, this is so pathetically cheesy and melodramatic, but this is the world i live in. we all live in our own worlds, don't we, haha. maybe it's true that the real world is just a proxy. like how i was a proxy in your life, to others. a proxy of experience. i'm going to, stop thinking about it. yes, i have vision, i'm not a aimless drifting character in the story, haha. so let me forget that this was part of the story and continue with things immaterial until i can bear it again. i have essays to write, equations to complete, theses to research for, training schedules to observe, drafts to finish drawing, portfolio to compile. i'll wait for it to come.. i'll wait for it to come. oh and on that note i lie to my constant conscious self that i have snapped out of it, haha. friends are too good. mm yes, in this and only this sort of situation, i give my complete blessing, haha. i'm too deadened to feel so foolishly about this sort of thing now, though i'm not so unconcerned as not to feel happy for anything that can go right, nor so insensate as not to feel a certain tinge of jealousy. i accept the mistaken attribute, hahhaha, i'll gladly do a harry truman if it'll make me a better man. the buck stops here: i have high standards, right? so it is, so it shall be. thank you, friends, for the day (: thank you Lord, for the friends. i'm begging, haha. come talk to me and tell me what's running through your mind, and what was, if you can. i'd really rather it so. otherwise, let me live. 7:10 pm |