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danne |
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
special people •
5 days of distance begin to-day.it's quite ironic. i can't really just come out and say it, you know, haha. but it's something that i'm sure some folks can see. anyway, i'm hurt, because. i'm angry because, i'm irrationally angry. deep breaths. folks have been unwell. physically, emotionally. i can still say, take care, friends.. haha. two empty benches on monday afternoon were a testament to the school on that.. the way they are of something else, every other day. and every time i take a deep breath i'm reminded of the decision to be made. oh, it's a small matter, comparatively. mm, i've decided to wait. these five days were meant to be for catching up with all those tutorials and studying. plus it's on and off, i can still lie to myself that i may just be imagining things and being paranoid, so i'm just going to wait till after, then i'll see how. this will NOT affect trip. whatever my course of actions must be.. i only pray that i'll get to go, and sing. today everyone vanished, then everyone appeared, then vanished. it was nice, but i'm plagued by doubt when i allow myself to think, hahhaha, tell me not to think. a nice concept popped into my head, a solution to a imaginary problem. i took the time to draw it out nicely: it actually felt good, haha.. i never have the time for these things, to do random reading and research and document special little pictures that pop into mind. another special thing about architecture is how every once in a while, oh such a long while, there are a few things that pop in and, are actually beautiful forever. it's a unique kind of beautful: the scene is unfulfilled, misty and full of uncertainty, what color is it, where does it begin or end? it's a vague sort of beauty that is only when you are actually there, then you stop to examine the surface that you sit on and everyone around you, everyone there with you vanishes and oh, you're not there anymore. but there's no doubt about it, though you don't know what it was or how it was like in any way but the most dreamy and leaf-like. the built form.. can only give this sort of emotion if you linger, and if there are people. and the very introduction of people introduces so much.. of such a different beauty, you wonder how they co-exist and amplify one another so. i can't really call so many people anymore. now that my head is a little more clear, now, this year when the cloud of trauma has settled into the dust layer of pseudo-indifference, aching quasi-acceptance. how one year could be so devastating. all the time, all the distance. it's just been too long? what can i say. people change. no, actually. it's probably just revelation. we never treasured anything we had enough - that's what i believe. and the most important thing, now, could just fall prey. i refuse to predict anything. the self-fulfilling prophecy is in our hearts, or it isn't. bleargh. why can't i believe that actually, every word could be just as sincere? wasn't i once that way. 8:29 pm |