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danne |
Sunday, January 27, 2008
rainbow angst and emo •
i'm going to try to write something short to compensate for the convoluted nature of the previous write. i'm sure i'll fail, haha. but hopefully only in the "short" bit.today is be less happy. it's always a combination of things, little little things that.. matter. can i try to write it out and away from my head? it's like walking on smouldering coals: if you don't keep going and going quick enough, the heat will really get to you, and you bet it hurts. was feeling like i was getting sick this morning, and i was late, and there's this other thing, so was generally feeling irritated this morning. did Rash Things, but seems this time it turned out fine. still, j1s give much doubt. but this whole affair has ever been Doubtful, and furthermore my life has been a sea of Doubt with islands of Certainty, oh rainbow emo and angst, hahhaha. i'm not even going to say, what island. friday i did the stupidest thing, also. running away to sort things out was just all at the wrong time, and i went to just the wrong place to think. have i mentioned how long it's been since i sat and tried to figure things out. it didn't work that day, anyway. gosh, i'm trying so hard not to descend into vagueness and abstraction today, hahha. pretty much sucks. the other thing is-is the convoluted thing. basically, i hate gaps in communication that cannot be bridged. there is no beauty in the breakdown, friend. they just say that to make themselves feel better. the beauty is there when people do nothing when actually, they can do something about their problems that afflict their small hearts, small exploding hearts. but they do nothing. i don't think i can believe in that anymore. i still don't believe in provisional arbitrary feelings, but i cannot believe in this sort of beauty anymore. it's just can't really be beautiful. this is what i spent the whole of today on, friend. woke up and groaned and grabbed the sheets to collapse back into cotton polyester navy, woke up and ran and ran and ran late for appointment. had a date where we sat and didn't really say anything meaningful, a 12-hour date with where i can only feel unwanted because of innate stupidity. walked back, walked back on autopilot, woke up to find myself stumbling down the bus at my stop before the highway to the north. went home, ate, pottered about and it's tomorrow. hello, today. i appreciate, i do i do i really do. i appreciate attempts, small talk that yearns for evolution to something bigger and stronger, your countenance native to my eyes, persons that i think i can understand, people whom i'd trust. i appreciate comments and words that my heart understands, long distance communication, silent dependable (flower) buds for mundane matters. i appreciate you. but the truth is, friend, that i'm plagued by doubt, hahha, and to cut a messy aberration right off, i'm bothered in an ineffable way. it cannot be effed and forgotten. not just like that, anyway. just when i was eating dinner and my mother was doing something or another in the room, i just randomly asked if my father and her would consider migrating, like 10+ years down the road. and what surprised me is that she softened her tone to ask why. i don't want the world to bring us apart. but at the mention of this, i could start swearing and swearing, yes i could, oh yes, friend. no effort against this will have any effect at all unless the people concerned can understand and close their eyes and wish, and then act together. to stop being men and women who secretly desire to lead extraordinary lives, but just to live together. and here i presume much, but i don't care, d_____. i repeat myself a lot. yesterday was rescued, though the sun had already set; how will today be? i really really hate feeling like this. the sun may have set and yesterday gone, but i haven't slept yet, so this will not be pleasant. ugh. all i need, is to be occupied with something that, between us, we can make sure won't go wrong. but that brings me back to para.3, you may replay it. sigh. i was happy, friend. what happened? 12:30 am |