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Wednesday, January 09, 2008
remembering •
i went upstairs to my room at nine thirty planning to do my math(and here all the fears and doubts about studies this year arise from the swash of thoughts pulsing back and forth on the shore of my consciousness). but something made me decide to go search for the old sunday school songbook(which i somehow found this time after so many failed search expeditions in this mess of a house) and pick up and tune my guitar from it's case in the corner, which i have so sadly neglected(for months!) that i could barely say, i can play.
and i sat on my bed and propped the book open with my knee under crossed legs and began playing and singing. i miss this so much, and yet it's like i've never really done it before: singing these simple songs with other children of the Lord. there have had been special moments, but lately i've been chiding myself for romanticising so many memories, impressions, and i wonder if i can trust these, they seem like they're from so far away. why didn't we keep singing?
there are a number of things that sit on my mind, all the time. and this is one of them: to have a real family. this is one aspect of my life in which i do not want to not have an anchor, to not have a home to return to after wrestling with the world. i hope and hope and hope, i do. i just wish that we could all really come home to us and to Him.
and i wish that we could sing. hey, we're choristers, but more importantly we're children also in Christ. i wish also that we could sing, and share, but people have lives and truth be told, i'm afraid. if it doesn't matter enough to you, it won't do any good, however much it could to me, would it. but i do wish we could sing. and if i had given myself a Christmas wish, this is what i would wish. but.. for a way to make it come true..
our time is so short, and i can only hope that silence is because we're all afraid. because then there's some small measure of hope, than if it didn't matter. and i should know that time is short.
and i miss sitting together, two, singing. about God.
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11:38 pm
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