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Saturday, March 31, 2007
it's never enough, is it. •
it's time for a review.
a quater of the year is gone, and seriously, i'm sure many of us are already thinking about how quickly the rest will go, and we'll be mugging for A's.. it's troubling, and although in some weird way i want it to come for the brief break NS will give(albeit at a cost), but i also want to live these two years to the fullest.. haha.. and every other year, of course. well.
chorale has been pretty.. weird too, if you'll forgive my poor vocab skills.. i really love these people, i do, but somehow i just feel i'm doing something bad. it just almost has to be the persona problem again. every social situation calls for some sort of persona, and for chorale it has, irritatingly, resulted in me appearing to be more or less what i did in RV; some sort of stupid, impulsive, moody, childish happy-go-lucky freak who can't stay on one thing for more than a day. i could blame it on the seriousness of certain people and say i just become like that natually to act as a counterbalance, but that would be el stupido as well, wouldn't it?
it's just, the first half of the problem. or third. or quarter. in some stupid way i'm just get the feeling i'm not making myself very likable to these people; yes my dear, that people don't like me. and not for reasons that i can't imagine. all the same, i just don't know what to do. ok, i know what i might, but it'd just be so hard. i don't really want to go into it all here; social circles, preconceptions. whatever, ok. i just get the feeling, Scheiße, i've botched it once again. and time is so short. and i really with we could be all that. but how many times have i said it. the difference is, this time i'm just this far from seeing why we absolutely can't. not with me in the picture, anyway.
yeah, that's only a part of it all. sheesh, this is stupid. can't believe i'm going on about this again.
what i really wanna do now is, fill my day so full with appointments that people are willing to make and keep, with people i care about, that ain't nobody else can squeeze in. every time it's, no time, i've got this and that. and i'm like, hm yeah, that's pretty important, you'd better go do that. so we're all yay. childishness, muchly.
there are so many things i could do; i just gotta do it, stupid. i don't spend all that much time doing homework anyway, not serious stuff, cause i just get stuck and mope. so many things that i need to do and don't, want to and don't, i don't even want to start listing. i just don't. i would say, if only there was someone to do it with, but whatever.
i just want stuff to settle down like, now. i mean, ok, change is constant in life. it's good, yepyep, i like it, really. it's what keeps stuff interesting. i just feel, uncomfortable. pah. i know what it means. and i don't know what to think anymore. everything just keeps me guessing, and i don't know if i should. which only comes around to add to the feeling. please, end! i need a constant.
yeah, i'm getting bored at what i'm writing too. basically could be but is not, in so many senses.
so, gripe of the month then. nobody ever has the time. whatever. what am i supposed to say? 'fine, i haven't got the time either.''it's ok, i'll always have time even if you're this way'. screw it all. i am.
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8:29 pm
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