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Saturday, March 03, 2007
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i don't know what to say, so i'll just be ranting, if ye not be minding it too much.
i should never have hoped so much, if i couldn't take no for answer, i guess. things are the same everywhere. everyone seems resigned to the same thing, same ideas that are placed before our eyes and minds. if you think, nobody can go everywhere and be close to loads of people, then fine. but still, why? why is it so? and can you be close to even one person? truly close?
to look at it in a very broad manner, all it means that i haven't met anyone who sees the world that could be like i do. there's post-modernism for you. since KI i realized that the whole world that i constructed and believed to be related to tribalism is really part of that much bigger structure. pah well. it's not a solution; it's only another thing to resign yourself to. i don't wanna.
that's what it's all about, isn't it. for me, anyway. to find some people, or someone who lives in the same universe as me. but there's so much more.. others exist, inside or out, and when they ask questions that mean something, questions that are important, that need to be asked and aren't asked enough(particularly by the people whom i wish would think to ask them), i don't know what to say. i don't know what the answers are, all i can say is, we're searching, and maybe there is no answer. the lesson is in the search. the real goal is to find the perfect way of carrying out the process. that the thing to strive for is not a a destination, but the perfect way to travel. because it would seem that we'll always be travelling.. so how should we?
but that's another question without an answer. one cannot always be searching.. otherwise i'd be searching for the perfect way to live life, then searching for the perfet way to search for the perfect way to live life, etc.. in the end, ggxx. mental blowout, emotional demolition. but there can't just be no answer..
that's the whole thing, really. i just can't accept things that i somehow come to think about, or realize. things that people would, or may find insulting, insulting to their way of living life. i really dont know what to do anymore.. so often i find that i'm somehow stepping on so many people's toes, and i don't know what to do. i don't want to just go away.. but do i have to?
living life as if waiting, waiting for something to change, for everything to be all right, because a change that will bring relief is just around the corner. soon the As will be over, soon NS will be over, soon i'd have graduated, soon i'll retire. but there really is no respite.. the journey, the journey. but living the journey as it is now just seems so pointless, because i am only one, and there is noone else.
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9:41 pm
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