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Monday, February 19, 2007
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the man i constructed in somewhat obscure prose on deviantart is, actually, something of a dream from youth, of what i might, in a perfect, or semi-perfect world, hope to become.. but then again, i would have to try it to truly know if it would be any good, for me or others. one imagines it t'would be terribly convenient, to pop up into people's lives: people whom one does, in actual reality, have an inexplicable concern for; and to help, to be there, to advice, to do whatever's neccessary. but to pop into people's lives is such an uncomely thing to do, one imagines that one could never really develop a friendship or any relationship this way, so, how convenient it would be to vanish away after aid, but always being able to visit back unseen ever so often and again, and to see people whom one concerns himself with, happy.
but to actually take such a course of action requires a great deal more courage than to imagine.. giving up the possibility of a friendship, relationship, without any awkwardness.. it's something that one cannot decide to do so simply. yes, it is selfish, in a way.. your happiness or my closeness to you. something that people so often embellish upon in love stories, but in a slightly more down-to-earth sense, if one might venture to say as much..
such sudden acts of what i must denounce as personal stupidity at the moment itself, as well as in the face of passing allusion, have crumbled upon me before: i am, after all, but a careless youth who hopes too much of people around him, as so pointedly pronounced by a respected elder, if she not be overly insulted to be referred to as such.. but upon occasion they have surprised me, and the quiet delight is more than can be told to any man on life; perhaps it is such that keeps one from giving up altogether on such a seemingly apparent childish dream.
at this point there are too many trains of thought emerging, and it scatters my brain, to say the least, haha.. i'd adjourn to meditate.. of my rashness in the face of neccesity of making sudden decisions, of the danger of maintaining such a dream, of courses of action i would of would not take in light of the current situations around me.. and how to fix things gone wrong, be they already known to be, how do you say; screwy, or not known as of yet; be they due to bad choices in the past, or simply retribution for lack of taking action..
there, i think i've sufficiently demolished the english language in that last paragraph. it was somewhat fun typing and thinking in the language as used prior to that, however.. haha.. ciao.
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10:55 am
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