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Thursday, January 25, 2007
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last sunday. hurtling along the road in that creaky old bus to church, nothing outside the window when i opened my eyes but the road rushing past, greenery and brush, endlesss sky and the occasional passing car. i just.. felt like falling into someone's arms. it makes no sense at all, yet all the sense in the world. just tired.. not just mentally, or emotionally, or physically. just, tired.. don't know how to describe it. and i turned my eyes upon Him and asked, now what? then i prayed a desperate prayer. i don't care what people will say now or in the future. i need.
notes from the week: when i'm not there, i imagine, i seem to remember that it's great; when i am there, it sometimes gives that warm feeling. but then i realize we're just strangers sharing a special moment, like she said. we don't share a real relationship, as friends, as brothers and sisters, as far as i understand the terms. i don't think i want this sort of thing.. i want something real, that isn't just imagination, that doesn't just last for a while sometimes, that isn't so superficial. i don't want to just be strangers sharing a special moment, however often. i want brothers and sisters.
i want to say, i have no family: you are my family. but you already have your own family, i can't be a part. whose fault is it? i want to say, how can i get to know you, without people hearing anything else, perceiving anything else than what i'm trying to say.
i'm sick of people playing me out. i can climb to the top and ask, why? but i can't take any action. it's forbidden, and it's pointless. i said, i'm not playing with people anymore. how long can it last.
* * *
the whole problem is that people don't dream enough. all it takes is to think: with these circumstances, with these people, with these things given to me, what is the best that could be? what would be the perfection that could be wrought with this? and then to go for it. but people are obsessed with the past, with themselves, with people who don't deserve it simply cause they aren't interested in living the examined,perfect life even though they know why they should, could. doing every other thing but trying for perfection.
i'm trying too. i still won't plan for failure, because every time failure hurts less i'll shun it less. so take away everything i wanted, loved, planned for.. it's meant to hurt. all i can do is do all i can to prevent it happening again, and i will.
i'm not saying i deserve anything. i'm just saying, i want it more then you do.
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11:47 pm
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