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08S06S!
layout by: detonatedlove♥
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Thursday, April 06, 2006
•
quoth mr. wong,
people are like balloons
"Balloons, balloons, balloons...
Balloons come in different sizes and have different capacities - the
maximum air which a balloon can have differs from balloon to balloon.
Now some balloons know their limits. Balloons like this have a feedback
mechanism - when there's too much air they let some out. So they remain
intact.
Then there are some balloons who may think that they can stretch
indefinitely and prefer to keep the air to themselves. Whatever comes they keep
to themselves. Eventually they burst.
And then there are the balloons who want to release air but have no one to
release to. And so they burst as well.
Yep, I think people are like balloons."
a lot of things have changed.. more than can even be thought about. and knowing that doesn't really help.. there are things left out for too long.. i don't know why i allowed myself to forget. or how. but i did. and i feel so left behind.. stuck in time. people have crossed new boundaries, achieved cool stuff. it's demoralizing, to say the least. i started to think about where all my time went some year back, but i never managed to figure out. it's still slipping out the back door of my pocket.
everytime when i begin to say something, or think something, usually end up questioning myself first-is that right? what will people think if they hear that? can't figure if i'm caring too much about what other people think or about myself. but i just can't say stuff, or think stuff. it's in my brain. i need to die.. go to a place where i don't have to care about these stuff. people care about so many things nowadays, and i care about them too, but it's tiring. it seems dumb to care about them when you look at it from eternity's side, but it just doesn't seem that simple. maybe it just has to be. but.. i don't know. i thought about it before.. and.. it's just another bunch of thoughts that i can't just say out here, or to anyone.
okae. leave that behind for a while. actually, it is part of the reason i wanted to do architecture. the solitariness just.. allows one to just stop thinking. not a lot of people allow one to do that.. to just take in nothing. to do nothing. the place becomes part of you.. then there's no distinction what is you and what is that or anything anymore. everything is just everything. nothing matters anymore. haiz. there were a lot of reasons. they're still valid, but i don't know anything anymore. i'm just blank.
i'm just thinking, haiz. this life is pretty disappointing. but maybe i ahve no right to be disappointed, because i'm not really working very hard. i'm nto working hard at all. and besides, i'm not devoted to the cause that makes the most sense. and that makes no sense at all. i make no sense. hahahaha.. i make no sense. hunhh.
the general feeling inside is, i'm tired, Lord. i want to go home. a lot. i know there are people i love here who won't be with me if i go to you now, and my mind doesn't want that to happen, but my soul is just so tired. tired tired tired. everything on this earth is just not worth working for, and i'm so hopeless. can't even figure things out, can't find a way to do the things that need doing, and do all sorts of useless things, trying to bluff myself that these will be the means to the ends. no. they won't be. not really. haiz.. tired. want to.. sleep now. then wake up next time.. then think about it. wish there was just some simple solution.. because i'm tired of thinking. been tired of thinking for a long time now.. because everyone around is always telling what to think about, what not to think about, and i end up doing the opposite of what they say, and start thinking again; is this right? who's right? what should i do? i don't want to think, or anything anymore.. why can't people just be together, and enjoy one another? people are the most beautiful things on this earth, and as people make themself uglier, the world becomes uglier with them..
i'm dead serious. and i'm also dead tired.
please, just be with me. i can't do anything anymore.
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8:09 pm
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