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danne |
Monday, March 27, 2006
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getting to sec 4.. really start to feel that time is passing by really quickly.. i mean, couple years time and pooff, off to ns, then after tt it's time to slog.. i guess the impt thing now is to get into the course tt i want in JC, then in uni.. hurhur.. but don't really like thinking about it. dunno why.time is seriously going by at a damn irresponsible rate lah. zoomm, then months, years have passed and still don't know people that well.. i dunno. before maybe is too hum already.. and dun dare to talk abt stuff. i'm still learning.. ahaha.. today Toh was like, friedemann this year u seem happier. i was like, er yeah, now i realize tt it's pointless bothering myself too much with your way of doing things.. lol.. it took me long enough. yeah. i grown up some now. haha. right now gotta chiong for some projects, but the worst for this term is almost over i think.. in a couple weeks will be. but then after that is the CTs.. so while rushing last minute project things must also start mugging.. lol.. this year i better start doing more about bio.. and rly buck up on math and physics.. haha.. feeling colder and colder. sianz talking with kwok yeong.. take physics and bio in JC, then become physician.. =/ feeling quite dead in terms of sch nowadays.. nv really bonded with class properly. we just have different values.. haha.. i dunno. maybe it's wrong to be this way, but.. sometimes certain things seem so pointless and vain. dunno. how many times have i said dunno already. 6k.. i dunno. things never turned out as dreamt.. haha.. but one can see that there wasn't too much basis on believing.. i don't know. maybe it was just a dream. there was this rift.. i wish i could close it up somehow. or somebody would close it up. we just don't talk properly.. just such mundane topics if at all. but it's not easy to really just say certain things.. i guess it goes back to both sides being afraid to talk about certain things, afraid to tell too much. for some reason.. people say that it's wrong to live an isolated life. they clamour and yell, they say you can't hide from it. not for long, not forever. it'll always be in your conscience, your subconsciousness, in your heart and on your mind. you can't take everyone you love with you. and leaving parts of you behind can't make for the perfect lifestyle. but i don't mean fleeing physically. i don't have to, i don't want to. it's like you already know. i want to be with these people. i can reside in the same places them, in the messed up cities. i will be aware of the troubles around. but i'll be conscious of what i can do and what i should do. it's a mental state; it doesn't seem easy to attain, but i hope i'll manage. i think i will. my sanity will depend on it.. i'm expecting it, and i'm moving towards it. i did say that i had remembered that childhood dream.. to work with dolphins and the like. such a simple-minded, dream, but childishly beautiful.. and it makes me begin to wonder about architecture. would it be a better ideal? it does seem an easier escape.. i begin to plot; if architecture fails me somehow, i'll be glad to submit to that kind of work.. and age wouldn't be a barrier. only money to study again. and as they say, education is the best investment.. and mine in this is so much more. it would be an investment of some simple happiness of my life on this earth. but in the end, i have to get me to shut up.. if i decide on it, i'll make me fail at architecture.. i've done it before. backup plans.. then i decide that it's easier to just give up now. to take teh easy way out. i always regret it. backup plans just don't work for me. i must never give myself to option of failure.. or i will, because i will come to want to fail, and i'll regret it in the end.. i'm certain i will in this case. it would mean leaving my friends here.. for another place. and i wouldn't be able to come back too often.. or move around the place. i don't want that to happen. i think. but it'll be in the back of my mind, no matter what i do.. perhaps it's a good thing. introspective? perhaps.. but isn't the purpose of this place? i don't know.. call me naive, but i do learn some things from such online thingamajigs. about people. it's not always possible to talk.. these sort of things give people a comfortable annonimity. i enjoy it myself.. watchin people from afar, fraid to talk properly.. haha.. it's not healthy, nono, but it's a start. but even besides it all, it's a place to let all sorts of thinsg out of my head. it's like i say, my head, only got 5mb memory space.. then processor speed incredible and alot of ram.. haha.. reason and think about things so quickly i don't even know what i'm thinking sometimes. jstu from one thing to another.. sometimes i come here with nothing much to say, just a minor event or two, but i end up writing a huge bunch of crap.. it's just to get stuff off mind. helps to express myself.. maybe it's wrong of me to be doing it this way? but maybe there's no real right or wrong about it.. because in the end such places are only blogs by name. what does that word even mean? hahaha.. it could be a sports commentory, or some spoof newspage like me friend's Rotters International, or whatever.. it's just a website. one that's easily manipulated. just glad that i can make some use out of it.. haha. hm. that sounded wrong. butter factory was in the papers today. hahh. cool. okae. getting mental block liaoz, cause start reading other stuff.. haha.. here's a sudden chow.. mebbe u'll let me know tt ur out there eh? haha.. ah kai is bored stiff. choir peeps damn dead, 6k all got they're damn busy lives now, and and.. other stuff lah. point is frieds is bored. call me someday when you'r feeling sianz and also feeling lucky, then frieds will treat u to a cuppa at sum cafe somewhere to get u talking, when frieds is feeling rich.. haha.. which means u have to be really lucky. =/ yeah. nitez all.. 10:10 pm |