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danne |
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
platonic marriage •
two people telling me to and not to read the great gatsby, haha. and the matters that are entwined with this in my mind are so much lengthier than the vine these things are plucked off from, it's not even funny.now it seems that chorale has actually started again, and it didn't really feel good. i love choral singing, but every time i walk away from one more practice the feelings just add to an overarching heartache that's unutterable. and for as long as i can remember i've walked away from chorale practices feeling like this without quite knowing why. it's pretty disheartening, and it's things like this that make me wonder what it would have been like if i'd developed musically another way. i really appreciate the people, mostly. i could feel a whole lot more, but there's a lot of doubt in me, associated with chorale, somehow. can you tell i'm going down the sinusoidal curve again, ahhahaha. i think, it's due to too many letdowns? and continual draining of hope, from every note sung, but not so much that as the other. disallowing myself to feel so strongly about certain things, because i think i shouldn't be: suppresion, haha. this will supposedly come back and kick me in the ass in the future. Freud would slap me. but then again i never did like Freud, so i'm not supposed to care. mood is a pretty simple thing, actually. it's the little things that happen in life that affect my mood, somehow. every conversation, people i get to see and talk to, how much and what about, every word, every response, every expression. it's a subconscious sort of thing, lol. and it all adds up, at the end of the day, or year. i could write about it in my IS, but i'd just confuse myself.. but yes. it all matters. today finally saw what they were doing with our dear old mini-canteen, sort of. and ideas for how i would do it started popping into my head, haha. and talk on portfolios, and how all my sketchbooks are totally not presentable, and how i don't have the time to properly complete and present nicely every one of those projects, or even a few. make time, she says. when i have to. school is BAD FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH, i want Off to NS. all these people are bad for my mental health, too many possible regrets not to have. maybe it's cause it's too late? waited too long. or maybe i'm really just in the wrong place. what the hell. totally degenerating, haha, forgive me. but yeah. every little thing contributes. it doesn't seem like much to anyone at first, but i'm so grateful to the smile that tips the scale at the end of the day. the conversation that lightened the mood, that didn't remind, that lets me forget. the sun's rays falling, falling like paint upon our collective thoughts and dreams. shouting out- live. live live 10:17 pm |